Also, it's International Women's Day.

Hey, did you know that today was International Women's Day? You did? So I take it you're either lying or you come from Afghanistan, China, Uzbekistan or one of the 26 other countries that officially observe it and are not the U.S.

Like all the -istans are kicking our ass on this one.

Pfft...the Pirate Lobby practically runs
the country, what have women got?

I mean, sure, you might have heard about it on the internet or something (like I did), but here in the U.S. International Women's Day is an informal observance like Leif Erikson Day despite the fact that there are way the hell more women than Vikings. International Women's Day is as official as Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19th in case you were wondering) or May the 4th (Star Wars Day). Meanwhile, ever hear about National Poison Prevention Week? Well it's officially recognized, lasts a whole week and is coming up soon so I hope you sent out your cards.

Look, I'm not pro-poison or anything, but do we really need an entire week to raise awareness of why we shouldn't drink it (or pour it into a King's ear) when hardly anyone is even aware that there's such a thing as International Women's Day?

Fact: Ear-poison is the #1 killer of Danish Royalty.
(source: fiction)

Above: Jackson's official portrait,
because apparently he was also a
 Dark Wizard. Who knew?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should go and put a woman on the $20-dollar bill, but-wait, that's a great idea, and get this: somebody's working on it. A group called Women on 20's, wants to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment by replacing Andrew 'Trail of Tears' Jackson on the $20 bill with an historically significant woman. Appropriately enough, you can even vote on who you think it should be, and since none of the choices signed the Indian removal Act of 1830, you really can't go wrong. Aside from Jackson being one of history's greatest monsters, Women on 20's also points out that he was opposed to centralized banks, and he probably wouldn't want to be on the 20 anyway. It's win/win.

Pictured: John Adams.

But didn't we already put Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea on the dollar coin? Yes, but the $1 coin kind of sucks, so why not put Elizabeth Caddy Stanton or Rosa Parks on a bill? Sure they weren't presidents, but neither were Benjamin Franklin and Alexander Hamilton and they both get to be on bills. Lincoln and Washington get a coin and a bill each, but women get just the one coin nobody likes and they have to share, and men get all the paper denominations. I assume, I mean who can tell with those ridiculous wigs everyone wore back then?

Anyway, happy International Women's Day. Here's hoping that maybe next year it'll be a real, officially recognized observance on equal footing with Columbus Day or Black History Month and not say, Groundhog Day.

Yeah, Groundhog Day. We value the contributions of women about as much as we value
the weather forecast from a rodent who's right less than half the time. Because America.

Paging Dr. Carson, Gayness Expert

Brace yourselves everybody, the GOP's race to see who can be the most rabid-foam crazy is on as Dr. Ben Carson announced on CNN that being gay is a choice. In fact, he said it is absolutely a choice. His evidence? Why, prison sex of course.

"Because a lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight and when they come out they're gay. So did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question."

-Dr. Ben Carson, in an interview that will 
totally never come back to bite him in the ass

Above: Chris Cumo's face,
kind of saying it all.

Holy shit right? That heady combination of horror and amusement you're feeling right now? That's the realization that there are people out there who will take this man seriously. Here, let me make it worse: he just launched an exploratory committee to gauge his chances if he decides to run for President. Like of America. A man, a gifted neurosurgeon no less, whose understanding of the complex and broad spectrum of human sexuality comes from a joke about not dropping the soap in the shower wants to be the Republican nominee.

The sad part here is that a man who can
successfully separate conjoined twins
can't extract his head from his own ass.

His unassailable logic continues:

"Are you denying that that's true?" asked Carson.

"I am not denying that that's true, but I'm denying that as a basis for understanding homosexuality." replied the bewildered Cuomo.

"If that is the case then it thwarts what you just said." and with that, Carson dropped his body mic dramatically and strode off, confident in his victory.

Unless their key demo is idiots...then
they've got nothing to worry about.

Wait, what? What thwarts what now? Anyway, one of the members of his newly minted exploratory committee must have pointed out that homophobia and junk science don't test well with the key demo, because Carson later issued a statement apologizing for opening his stupid word-hole:

"I do not pretend to know how every individual came to their sexual orientation. I regret that my words to express that concept were hurtful and divisive. For that I apologize unreservedly to all who were offended."

Well actually what he said was that being gay is absolutely a choice, so yeah, he did pretend to know how every individual came to their sexuality. I suppose all in all it was a decent apology though. Of course he's still a sanctimonious douche who doesn't believe in evolution, and compared the Affordable Health Care Act to slavery, so welcome to field of potential GOP nominees. Next to the other guys, he might almost seem reasonable.

Above: They're a big tent party...a big, angry, batshit insane tent.

Once Moore, with feeling.

Are you gay, engaged and do you live in Alabama? Well then I'm afraid I have some bad news: the wedding's off. Again. In a move sure to hold up in court, the Alabama Supreme Court has just ordered judges to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

Waaah? Conservative feet-dragging and obstructionism on the issue of marriage equality? In the South?

"Sorry about all that gay stuff."

-Gays

Same-sex couples who've already been married immediately turned in their marriage certificates and issued an heartfelt apology to the many Alabamans whose lives were ruined by the State's brief flirtation with marriage equality. LGBT advocacy organizations statewide also agreed to disband and 'quit stirring up so much trouble.' The long, hard fight for gay marriage is finally over, and the people of Alabama can sleep easy knowing that Republican Jesus is smiling on their fair state.

...is what we would be talking about if this were some terrible parallel universe where the South won the Civil War, but since it's not, let's take a moment to roll our eyes at the predictably homophobic horseshit that was today's court order.

Oh please. The Confederates would never have gone to
the moon, unless of course, they were chasing a fugitive slave.

To put it another, more awesome way, Moore is
the Starscream to the Federal Court's Megatron.

If you recall, back in January a federal court threw out Alabama's ban on same-sex marriage and the state was set to start marrying gay couples. But then State Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore decided to threaten civil servants with termination if they complied with the ruling which was not only a tremendously dick move, but also not really a thing he can do since federal rulings trump state rulings. The move caused confusion statewide as some gay couples could get licenses while others could not depending on whether or not local probate offices were afraid of Roy Moore.

Yesterday's order from the Alabama Supreme Court to stop issuing licenses is more clear than Moore's ham-fisted threats, but still seems to miss the point as to which court is the higher court. Spoiler alert: it's not Alabama's, but let's look at what it had to say anyway:

Are the judges riding one of these to
 work every morning? No? Then shut up.

"As it has done for approximately two centuries, Alabama law allows for 'marriage' between only one man and one woman..."

-The Alabama Supreme Court,

before complaining about all the swears on TV

Precedent is great and all, but it's not 1815 anymore and Alabama has cars, the internet and Starbucks. Could they maybe think about getting caught up on marriage equality? Anyway, what else you got?

"...state courts may interpret the United States Constitution independently from, or even contrary to, federal courts..."

-The Alabama Supr-wait, what? No they can't...

Law and ambiguity: two great tastes that taste great together!

"Welcome to Delaware, now
please drop your pants."

-The Honorable Gropey McPerv

Whoa, are they trying to say that states can interpret the constitution to mean whatever they want it to? Wouldn't that lead to, you know, legal chaos? I mean, one state's interpretation of 'no unreasonable search' could be another's 'full body-cavity search on entry.' Look, I'm not unsympathetic towards Alabama and its imaginary judicial sovereignty (well, I'm a little unsympathetic), but this is exactly why we have federal courts: so that when gerrymandering stacks a state's supreme court so full of Republicans that Leviticus suddenly starts caring legal weight, there's a higher authority people can appeal to.

Of course this'll probably shake out, and the State will start issuing licenses to same-sex couples eventually, but holy shit. Do you think that once, just once a ban on gay marriage could get thrown out and stay thrown out without all the legal back and forth? Planning a wedding has got to be hard enough without throwing the appeals process, upper vs. lower court pissing contests and Roy Moore into the mix.

You are cordially invited to Alan and Steve's wedding...uh, unless the State Supreme Court appeals
the Federal Court ruling that overturned the ban, in which case it's off. But if the appeal is denied then
we're back on, except if the Chief Justice orders probate judges not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex
couples, then it's off again, unless the Supreme court-you know what? Fuck this, we're moving to New York.

Today in Tales of Local Interest:

If you live here you know why that's funny,
everyone else will just have to take my word for it.

Hey, remember when you were young and felt ways about things? Yeah, me neither, but today some University of California Santa Cruz students felt ways about a lot of things and let everybody know through a peaceful, if annoying, demonstration. Six students chained themselves to cement-filled trash cans and blocked part of Highway 1 for five hours before police managed to clear the road. It should have only taken three hours, but it was a while before someone noticed that the traffic on Highway 1 had ground to a halt for an actual reason this time.

Awesome right? Well, in theory yes, but it was probably less awesome if you had to be somewhere and don't have the mutant ability to control metal.

Traffic: yet another minor inconvenience that would
totally not be a problem if I was Magneto.

...so basically America. 

The protest was organized by a group called Liberate our Education as part of their 96 Hours of Action. You're probably wondering what exactly they were protesting. Well, as it happens, they're kind of against everything. The most commonly cited reason for today's demonstration was tuition hikes at the University, but according to the group's banners and their Facebook page, they're also calling on students to "to shut down the racist, classist, corporate, militarized police state." 

The six protestors, after having been crowbar-ed and jackhammered out of their human roadblock, were hauled away to jail where, as I write this, even more student protesters have gathered. They're protesting the arrest of the original student protesters who were arrested for protesting (and also blocking the freeway). Still with me?

If the protesters protesting the arrest of the protesters get arrested and
someone protests that, we'd have an activism matryoshka! 

"Cheryl, I'd like to propose a toast.
To human misery! Salut!"

Sure, a lot of people are probably pissed off at Liberate our Education right now, and that's valid. I mean, comparatively few of the people who were stuck in traffic today are actually in a position to do something about UCSC's tuition, but you've got to admire the student's willingness to risk arrest to draw attention to a good cause. You know, even if those directly responsible for the crushing debt and indentured servitude graduates can look forward to simply flew over the gridlock on their private jets, sipping brandy and trading insider stock tips.

Hey Internet, cut the Shat some slack!

He's had a rough couple of days...

So can we maybe like be nicer to William Shatner? Don't know what am I talking about? Well, you see the internets are alight right now with outrage directed at the actor for missing the funeral of his friend and co-star Leonard Nimoy who passed away on Friday. And it's not like a: 'hey, it's weird he wasn't there' or even a 'what's up with that?' kind of thing. It's been pretty brutal. He spent much of Sunday defending himself on Twitter from people who are seriously pissed at him for not being there, but I think a very good question is who the hell are these people exactly? They're not like, Nimoy's family or anything, they're just people with internet access, Twitter accounts and strong opinions about other people's lives. And that's some bullshit.*

Although unlike real voting there's no
electoral college involved, so your vote
 actually counts. Like, mathematically.

Having an opinion about whether or not William Shatner should have shown up to Leonard Nimoy's funeral, isn't exactly the same thing as having a valid opinion about it. It's not like it's up for a vote...oh, wait, I guess it sort of is up for a vote, but the point is, it shouldn't be. Sure, we all love internet polls, but this isn't a vote to pick the next Dorito flavor, this is people passing judgement on shit that's none of their business. I don't mean to sound undemocratic here, but our opinions here are meaningless. Nobody involved cares what we think, nor should they.

You see, Kirk rhymes with jerk,
so it's like, you know, wordplay.

And it's not just random schlubs either, news outlets are chiming in. Check out this story from Daily News. It's a newspaper. Kind of. Anyway, don't feel like clicking on the link? No problem, I'll sum it up with some of the hacky quotes which cleverly reference Star Trek:

"Claims night event in Florida means he can't 'beam up' to L.A. in Time" 

"Captain Kirk did transport himself to Los Angeles on Sunday...but did not make it to the ceremony...would have needed to hit warp speed."

"(fans) thought it highly illogical the 83-year-old actor did not hustle back..."

The ship was fake, but those pecs?
Pure Shatner. Fact.

Holy shit Daily News, for real? Warp speed? Highly illogical? First of all, and I can't stress this enough, William Shatner isn't really a space captain. He's an actor and as such doesn't actually have access to a transporter or a warp drive. If he did, then this would be a fair criticism, but since he doesn't, shut up. Secondly, the guy was appearing at a charity ball for the Red Cross in Florida, it's not like he skipped Nimoy's funeral so he could stay at home and binge-watch season three of House of Cards, so also, shut up. And while we're on the subject, Florida to L.A.? Kind of a schlep.

Oh, and just so we're clear, I'm not leaping to the defense of William Shatner just because I'm a huge nerd. I am, for obvious reasons, a Picard-guy, but seriously, maybe we should keep our opinions to ourselves on this one.

"As the Tamarians say: 'the river Temarc, in winter.'
Which, roughly translated, means shut the hell up."

-Captain Jean-Luc Picard,

demonstrating his awesome

Is that good?

*Yeah, I suppose voicing an opinion on the internet about other how people shouldn't voice an opinion on the internet is itself a little, you know, bullshit, but hey hypocrisy is what made the internet great. Well, that and quizzes that tell you which character from Girls you are. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I got Jessa. I've never actually seen the show so I'm not sure what that says about me.

So long and thanks for all the Spock...

Sorry, it's a terrible title, I know, but today is a sad, sad day for sci-fi fans everywhere. Actor and nerd legend Leonard Nimoy has died at age 83.

I sure hope he put his katra someplace safe...

The real mystery of course, is why did he
ever shave off that handsome mustache?

Nimoy, as I'm sure you're aware, was an accomplished poet, musician, author, director and actor. He is probably most famous for his role in the television series Mission: Impossible as well as a reoccurring part on the more recent Fringe. Back in the 70's, Nimoy also hosted In Search Of, a documentary series in which he went looking for things like Atlantis and the Loch Ness Monster. Of course, these things are imaginary and he was totally wasting our time, but if anyone was going to solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, it would be Leonard goddamn Nimoy.

Nice try Leonard, but there is no escape.

In other, more obscure work, Nimoy played the half-alien Mr. Spock on Star Trek for three seasons before the series became popular and went on to consume his existence like V'Ger on Epsilon IX (nerd points!). Fearing that type-casting might damage his credibility as an actor, Nimoy for a time tried escape the affections of his legions of fans. He branched out into poetry and music and even wrote a book about how Spock he isn't. In the end however, he decided to embrace his position in the hierarchy of nerdom, writing I Am Spock and throwing himself back into the role.

Pictured: Spock nerve-pinching a
giant green panther because cartoons.

First, he voiced Spock on the Star Trek animated series (yup, it's a thing) and later revived the character again (figuratively and literally) for the first six Trek movies. Behind the scenes he directed Star Treks III and IV and produced part VI (part V of course, was all Shatner's fault). Spock returned to TV in a two-parter episode of the The Next Generation, in which he foiled the schemes of an alternate timeline version of Tasha Yar's half-romulan daughter (if you followed that, you're a nerd. Congrats). Nimoy was also the only original cast member to survive the J. J. Abrams reboot and appear in the new Trek movies.

For everyone who's ever felt like an outsider, or the lone voice of reason on a starship full of lunatics, Spock was a role model and for that we are forever in Leonard Nimoy's debt.

Leonard Nimoy showed us all that the future's so bright,
we've got to wear dorky plastic shades. He will be missed.

Oh, and incidentally, if you went on wikipedia this morning you may have gotten the impression that Leonard Nimoy also played John Munch on Law and Order. This is not true, and probably a good reason to lock the pages of famous people who have died.

Above: not Richard Belzer...although I can kind of see the resemblance. 

And just like that, ye'r Scottish!

Brace yourselves everybody, I'm about to get nerdy, and not sci-fi nerdy. This time I'm going to get geography nerdy. It's one of my lesser nerdoms. Still with me? Because it's ok if you're not, I would completely understand.

If you ever spent free period harnessing the power of geography facts in order to track down an
international monument thief who managed to steal the goddamn Sydney Opera House, then you get it.
Incidentally, was Carmen Sandiego supposed to be like a wizard or something? I mean, what was her deal?

Above: Winner of Superbowl XLIX,
this guy. Final score, uh, 15-love?

Remember when Scottish separatists had their hopes for a free and independent Scotland crushed by last fall's referendum? They decided, (45%-55%) to remain part of the United Kingdom? While the issue is far from-what? Yes, I remember the outcome of the Scottish referendum, what of it? You know, if I just rattled off the final score of the Superbowl, no one would think that was weird. Anyway, now some guy called Andrew Gray has filed a petition that would make a piece of northern England into a piece of southern Scotland.

Gray, a member of the U.K.'s Green party, wants to move the Scottish border south, back to Hadrian's Wall putting several English cities in Scotland. I say back because the wall, built by the Romans in 122, was originally put up to keep the Scots out of the rest of Britain. Under Gray's proposal, it would be doing kind of the opposite. Taste that? That's historical irony.

The wall ultimately proved ineffective when Pictish raiders
discovered that they could, you know, just step over it.

One country's national dish is another country's
early indicator of serial killer tendencies.

So why the hell does Gray and the 340 or so other people who've signed the petition want to live in Scotland anyway? Like, it's cold, rainy and holy shit, the food, right? Look, I know everyone makes fun of haggis, but it is a sheep's organs, ground up and then boiled in the animal's own intestines, I mean, Jesus Christ Scotland. Well, according to his petition, Gray believes that Scotland has a better healthcare system, cheaper education and is against nuclear weapons. Opponents on the other hand, point out that Scottish accents are fairly ridiculous, and wait, aren't they kind of the same country already?

Sort of? Maybe? The distinction between the countries that make up the United Kingdom is incredibly confusing to outsiders, and there really is no good analogy, but I guess it'd be kind of like if one of our States, say Pennsylvania, wanted to merge with New York because seriously, there's like nothing to do in Pennsylvania.

Or if Spain wanted Florida back. Well, ok, it'd be nothing
like that, but I really think we should look into selling Florida.

Let's Ask British People!

Pictured: The Middle East...for no reason.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just some random American chiming in about a contentious and complex relationship between two peoples that goes back centuries. It's one in which I have no stake and one whose nuances I can't even begin to understand. None of which of course, has never stopped us before. Anyway, BBC News has interviewed some actual British people who live in the north and have a clue about what we're talking about to see what they have to say the petition:

"No."

-This lady

"Yes."

-Someone else

Well that was uninformative. Let's hear from some local politicians:

"Tyne and Wear is a single conurbation, putting a border down the middle is just barmy."

-Nick Brown, MP, 

Newcastle East

I, uh...I think he's against it? Fortunately for us, British journalism is fair and unbiased, so the BBC also sought out opinions from both sides of the issue. Here's what Nick Brown's political opponent thinks about it:

"Does that mean Newcastle United will leave the English Premier League, stop playing the likes of Sunderland, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, join the Scottish Premier League and play the likes of Inverness, Caledonia and Thistle?"

-Duncan Crute

Conservative Candidate, Newcastle East

Oh come on, are those even words? Seriously, watch the video. Can you follow them? Oscar Wilde once wrote "We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language" and that's hilarious and all, but nothing these two guys just said could possibly have been in english. I mean, I've seen every episode of Are You Being Served? so I should be able to understand English people, but these guys could be reciting Beowulf for all I know. No wonder Gray wants to give up and join Scotland...

Mrs. Slocumbe is actually referring to her cat,
but some double entendres cross cultural lines.