So much for my career selling stolen jeans...

Above: Parliament. Disappointingly,
they no longer were the wigs.

Yes, Nick Clegg, that's because it's stealing. Who's Nick Clegg, and what is he stealing? Ok, he isn't necessarily a thief, Clegg, an ex-politician and former Meta--that's Facebook for those of us who don't know what NASDAQ stands for--said that Britain shouldn't force AI companies to ask permission from artists before using their work to train AI, because it would ruin the AI industry. I guess there's a piece of legislation in Parliament that would require AI companies to disclose what work was fed into their software for training purposes.

I suspect it would look something
like this, only somewhat more twee.

AI, I am given to understand, needs to be trained and it does this by consuming massive quantities of information. Like, if you ask ChatGPT or whatever to show you what the Defenestration of Prague would look like if it were a movie directed by Wes Anderson, shot entirely in Cantonese it can do that. But how well it does that depends on how many history books, Wes Anderson movies, and Cantonese-language dictionaries it's already consumed. So, kind of like people I suppose.

"You shall not pass this bill."

-Ian McKellen, milking it

But what if Wes Anderson doesn't want your robot crewing up his entire body of work and spitting it back out as a "new" creation. One for which he sees not a dime, nor receives any credit?  Well, he's not from the UK, so Parliament doesn't care what he thinks. They may however care what Sir Ian McKellen, Kate Bush, and the Royal Shakespeare Company alongside hundreds of other artist think, because they all signed an open letter opposing it.

Pictured: the awfully specific result
of my internet image search.

If I were to say, break into The Gap, steal a stack of men's slim fit jeans and sell them out of my trunk at the local flea market, that's a crime. I couldn't then argue in front of the judge that I shouldn't be convicted on the grounds that it would put a damper on my stolen jeans-selling operation. That's dumb, and so's this argument that AI companies should be allowed to steal artists work. Don't be too hard on Clegg however. Technically he was talking about the specific bill in question, and saying that Britain alone shouldn't outlaw AI training-related IP theft. 

He may have been arguing that Parliament shouldn't tie Britain's hands when it comes to AI, which I sort of get. But he was also kind of arguing that artists shouldn't own their intellectual property, at least when it comes to the needs of tech companies who need grist for their AI mills, which, is indefensible. 

"If you can think of a better way to create art than to feed the work
of human artists into a machine that reduces it to data, then generates content
derived from the artists work, but is no longer owned by them, I'd love to hear it."

-OpenAI CEO, Sam Altman, evidently 

unaware that you can just hire actual artists*

*and admittedly, he's never said any such thing, but that's what this technology does, right?

What? We olds love Muppets.

I do't think it's a hot take to suggest that anyone, anyone who would have a problem with Kermit the Frog giving a commencement speech must be broken inside. 

Above: Kermit, dressed as Galileo for some reason,
and giving the 2025 commencement speech.

Pictured: a puppeteer's hand, wrapped
in felt, bringing joy to thousands. 

I bring this up because Kermit the Frog gave the speech at University of Maryland this year. Kermit's creator and original voice, Jim Henson was an alum, so while it is unusual to have a puppet--or Muppet, in this case--deliver a commencement speech, it's not unwarranted. The speech itself was heartfelt, and moving, and emphasized the importance of human (and by extension, Muppet) connection. He ended it by leading all in attendance in a sing along of Rainbow Connection, which I am listening to now and don't mind telling you that I am in literal tears. 

You know, people who grew up with
The Muppet Show, and Muppet Babies...
fine, old people. I'm talking about olds.

It's the purest, most positive thing I've seen in the news in some time, and I cannot fathom why this upsets people. Sure, those in attendance were more interested in seeing themselves on the Jumbotron, and I mean, it's their graduation, that's fine. And in fairness, Kermit hits differently with, shall we say, people like me. That is, people of a certain age. These kids grew up playing Minecraft and to them Jim Henson is probably little more than an alum they're only vague aware of. I couldn't tell you who gave my commencement speech, but then mine wasn't given by a Muppet. But outrage? Backlash?

Because unsurprisingly, there has been such a reaction. "But who would be upset by these sixteen minutes of pure magic" you might reasonably ask? Behold:

Huh? Yeah, I guess they
all have that hair now...

"Instead of honoring entrepreneurs, or veterans, or innovators, they picked Kermit <pauses for emphasis> the Frog. We have students who are drowning in debt, who are struggling to find jobs, and universities are handing the mic to puppets. Not puppets like many Democratic elected leaders. Like a real puppet."

-Riley Gaines, evidently butt-hurt

that Elon or whoever didn't get the gig.

That's Riley Gaines, conservative podcaster, transphobe, and now, Muppetphobe. So, couple of things. First, are commencement speeches supposed to honor the speaker or the students? Also, students drowing in debt and struggling to find jobs? Really? But isn't the economy like, so good right now? Like, so good, you wouldn't believe? People are saying. Oh, and sick burn with the Democrat line. Really love how organically she worked in the bit about how they're like puppets...somehow. 

But since we're on the topic, Kermit (left) was behind an oversized podium to
disguise the puppeteers. What I want to know is what was with Trump's thigh-height
screen attached to his podium while he was hawking crypto being the Presidential seal?

"To the class of 2025, I say this:
being rich is the best. You should try it."

-Some rich guy's speech

And look, if you don't care for the Muppets, fine. If you think the Muppets are too old, or too irrelevant, that's also fine. Admittedly, for people my age, it would probably be like having Captain Kangaroo. But I find the bit about who she'd rather see up there awfully telling. To be clear, I have no problem with veterans. They're cool. But entrepreneurs? Innovators? What even is that? Don't entrepreneurs just accumulate money for themselves? What's their advice going to be, get rich? Because no one born after the Reagan administration will ever be able to retire. She bemoaned student debt and the tough job market, but whose fault is that?

Above: the President, seen here whinging
on about Sleepy Joe or something.

And look, I am sick of the tactic where we go "well so-and-so did this" every time we disagree with someone, but the President recently gave the Westpoin commencement speech and just blathered on about his grievances. He complained about drag shows, and trans people, and about how nobody joined the military under Biden. Which is a weird thing to say in a commencement speech for a class of people who enrolled during the Biden administration. 

The point is, it wasn't meant to inspire, it was just a narcissist talking about himself. Kermit's speech, whether you like Muppets or not, was about growing up, and remembering the people in your live who are important to you, and staying true to yourself and following your dreams. He didn't once complain about Fozzie Bear, or annihilating our enemies. It was an honest, inspirational commencement speech, given in honor of an artist who brought joy to millions. But Riley Gaines I guess, would rather listen to some tech bro drone on about crypto or AI or whatever.

Pictured: Henson, who was never once convicted of falsifying documents 

to cover up a hush money payment, seen here with some of his beloved creations.

The Vanilla Ice of politics

Jill and the family? Even the family
members he hounded over shady business
deals, without evidence or a whiff of irony?

Literally no one in the world believes that the President actually wrote the tweet he posted on his made up social media platform, right? "Melania and I are saddened to hear about Joe Biden's recent medical diagnosis. We extend our warmest and best wishes to Jill and the family, and we wish Joe a fast and successful recovery." First, no caps. Second, he doesn't call him sleepy Joe (or President for that matter). Third, he absolutely doesn't wish them warm anything. 

They say it's the thought that counts here, and I'm sure whichever of his handlers drew the short straw and was forced to ask Chat GPT to mimic human compassion on behalf of a leathery bag of grievances, thought that this perfunctory gesture would count for something. What that could be, we may never know. 

"Write a heartfelt tweet from President Trump to President Biden, expressing
heartfelt wishes for a speedy reco--wait, Chat GPT...are you laughing at me?"

-Someone at the Whitehouse, 

earning their paycheck

This, but filled with grievances.

Anyway, it was like a day before Grievance Bag Actual started dog whistling some conspiracy theories into existence, suggesting that the former President had been diagnosed some time ago and hid his diagnosis. His evidence for this very serious claim? Right next to Obama's Kenyan birth certificate and Hillary Clinton's illegal ballots she so cleverly used to not win the 2016 election. Doesn't matter, it's not like he wrote the thing about, or expressed warm wishes for President Biden's recovery. 

Or how we say Cybertruck for hideous,
stainless-steel, fascist wagon whose
owners we freely, and publicly shame.

So why even bother to pretend to write a tweet? And yes, I know tweets aren't called tweets anymore, but I feel that in abandoning the word with the brand, X has opened it up to genericization. Like saying q-tip for a cotton swab, it's just moved into the common parlance stripped of any specific, or commercial meaning. And besides, I'll be cold in the grave before I refer to the noise on the ironically named Truth Social as Truths. But, that brings us back to my question: why the tweet? 

I suppose it's so we're talking about him. When the Pope died, we had to do a whole thing about his dumb AI-generated image of him as the new Pope, and then when we got a new Pope, we had to hear about him again. It's relentless. He's relentless. 

The consensus seems to be that Pope Leo XIV was selected as a repudiation
of Trumpism. The Church is so sick of our President, they chose a Pope about it.

I hear he knows those computers better
than anybody, all those computers,
those vote counting computers.

After we voted him out--and he was subsequently convicted of a felony, which you'd think would be disqualifying but isn't--we thought we'd never have to hear about him again. And then the unthinkable, the unfathomable happened. People, presumably those suffering from some kind of brain injury that deleted the years 2017-2020 from their memory, voted for him. I mean, not everybody, less than half of us, but enough. That or Elon Musk rigged some voting machines, which, honestly would restore my faith in my fellow Americans. Either way, here we are. 

The former President is facing a serious health crisis, but for some reason we're talking about the former host of The Apprentice's dumb tweet, and not his defiance of court orders, catastrophic Big Beautiful Bill, or his Kim Jong Un-style birthday military parade. 

There was a time when couldn't get Vanilla Ice to go way. He was everywhere.
Then, we all stopped paying attention to him, and he just disappeared. It was great.

Fraughtnite

First of all, this thing about a Fortnite player tricking Dark Vader into swearing? Hilarious. I'm sorry if that makes me low brow, or a bad person or whatever, but it's hilarious. Huh? Yeah, Darth Vader's in Fortnite. What a time to be alive, eh?

Above: pop culture eating itself.

Audiences also wondered what they
themselves were doing in Rise of Skywalker.

Yes, I'm talking about Star Wars again, but look, it's just a coincidence. I do have other interests. Star Trek for example. Anyway, so Fortnite, if you recall, has had Star Wars content for sometime. Back in 2019 players were treated to an in-universe broadcast in which Ian McDiarmid, as The Emperor, announced his return from the dead in the game. Leaving those of us over the age of say, twenty-two, to wonder what he was doing in Rise of Skywalker. It was...dumb.

Occasionally the universe gives someone
who deserves it ninety-three years.  

Anyway, back to Dark Potty Mouth. James Earl Jones is, lamentably, dead, taking with him the voice of Darth Vader, Mufasa from The Lion King, and the King of Zamunda. Enter AI. Before his passing, Jones signed over his vocal likeness to Disney, feeling that he shouldn't rob the world of Darth Vader. Which, I mean, laudable. What a guy. Normally, I might suggest that an actor doing something like this is, in a sense, robbing a fellow actor of the opportunity of taking over that role, but I mean, literally no one on earth has that voice, so super. Great. Except that somehow no one Fortnite this coming. 

I argued that this was job training,
and no one listened. Thanks Mom...

Now, I am old enough that the suggestion that playing a video game professionally fills me with no small amount of anger, but please understand that it's based in jealously. My decades of video gaming amounted to time I should have spent learning a trade, while a Fortnite player called Loserfruit turned it into a career. Darth Vader showed up in her game while she was streaming, and she said something like "What freaking, fucking food is that Darth Vader?" Huh? I don't know, maybe it's a Fortnite thing?

He's the coolest. I hear he smokes too.

Doesn't matter. What does matter is that Vader, in James Earl Jones's AI-approximated voice replaced: "Freaking? Fucking? Suck vulgarity does not become you, Padme." I guess Loserfruit was playing as Padmé? Again, I'm too old to understand Fortnite. Anyway, everyone lost their minds because Darth Vader said a swear. Amazing. Less amazing is other instances of players mentioned in the article intentionally or unintentionally getting Vader to say racist or homophobic things. Which...ugh. 

"#$%!-off you @$#-eating, %#$@!"

-kids, online

Epic Games, the publisher, has evidently patched out Vader's swearing, and is asking the community to report things like this in the future, and that's good. I mean, responsible, I guess. It kind of feels like someone at Epic should have foreseen players getting the AI to say such things given that kids playing online games are kind of famous for inappropriate language? I don't know, I'm not a programer, but like literally everyone in the world, regardless of expertise, or lack thereof, I have opinions about AI.

I guess what I'm wondering is, if the I in AI is intelligence, and it's meant to replace human intelligence, isn't it by definition replacing people? I mean no disrespect to the AI's themselves. But I do mean disrespect to the people, corporations really, who use them to replace artists because it's cheaper. Look, Jones's gift will ensure that future generations can enjoy his cyborg space wizard, and that's super. But it also means that Disney can keep cranking out new Darth Vader material without having to hire a new actor or, God forbid, create new characters. And I'm just weary of where that will lead.

Pictured: Disney exploiting AI to keep making money off of--you see,
the cow is Star Wars, but also a symbol of--look, it's a metaphor, ok?

The banality of General Grievous

"Violence and lesbians kissing?
Oh no! My fragile worldview!"

-basement trolls

I'm sorry, is Star Wars great now or is each new streaming series terrible because lesbian spec witches or whatever the incels were on about awhile back? I ask because I just finished watching the new, and evidently final, season of Andor and it was great. Like, really, really great. Also, there were women and queers and latino men in it, so it was also super woke, and has got to be absolutely short circuiting the aforementioned internet trolls. Oh, and did I mention that it's 100% about resisting a totalitarian government? Which, I mean, obviously because it's Star Wars, and George Lucas basically invented fighting space fascists. 

But it sure does hit differently when cops in masks are hauling people away on Instagram. Anyway, it's always been allegory, it's just that this show has been more explicit about it. From the occupied planet full of faux-french resistance fighters to Mon Mothma all but turning to the camera to call out MAGA on their bullshit, the veil has gone from thin to transparent and I am here for it. 

The people of planet Ghorman are like a two more barrettes
away bursting into "Do You Hear The People Sing?"

Absolutely not. 

In fact, the only criticism I have for it is all previous Star Wars stuff. That is, it's a little hard to reconcile Anakin Skywalker whining about sand, or that Temu ALF guy croning in Jabba's palace with the banality of evil of this series' Imperials. That is, in the real world, one person's monster is another person's champion of the people. In Star Wars, the Emperor is a yellow-eyed sorcerer who shoots lightning from his fingertips while shrieking about unlimited power. 

That anyone has to be convinced that Palpatine is evil feels a little awkward, although we live in a world where the press secretary tells us to our faces that a Qatari jumbo jet is not a bribe and someone has to be buying that one, right? 

"The unlimited power the Emperor was referring to is his unlimited power to
make the galaxy great again. Bantha milk and hyper-fuel prices are way down.

-Ka Roline L'Vitt, Imperial Press Secretary

Did you even stop to consider what this
means for people who edit Wookiepedia?

I suppose this isn't really the fault of this show though. I mean, is it the job of the writers to tell a good story or is it to tell a story that fits within the overall narrative of the Star Wars canon? Huh? Both? Well, I mean, you're not wrong. But you may have also read that the writers retconned the story of how Andor and K-2SO met. No? Well, there was a story of their first encounter in a comic book tie-in for Rogue One a few years ago, and Andor season 2 offers a different, contradictory first meeting. And I guess the question is, who cares?

Canon: it's whatever the marketing
department needs it to be.

I'm not saying anyone is wrong to care. Disney has definitely presented the comics and novels as being canon, and in fact generally treats them as such, except in cases where they need to modify established elements to serve a story they care more about (i.e. a very expense streaming TV show). I suppose if canon doesn't matter, or at least isn't the primary concern, then maybe tone shouldn't either? And look, I'm not telling you to go watch Andor. Watch it, don't, it's not going to change your life, I just thought it was neat. 

What I do want to do is consider the question of how weird is it that that asthmatic cyborg lizard General Grievous inhabits the same fictional universe as a complex villain like Denise Gough's Imperial stooge Dedra Meera? 

The answer, of course, is incredibly weird. 
Like, bananas foster weird. That's bananas on fire.

Poperty Value

"Well, for the first time in the Church's two-thousand year history Allison and Stephen, the Pope is not only from the United States, but also a Chicagoan."

-Jenn Schanz, NBC 5 News, reminding 

us all why we love local news

Above: A medieval papal conclave, seen here once again passing
over the good people of Chicago just because the city didn't exist yet and
the Cardinals were unaware of the existence of North America. Shameful.

Sorry, pope who?

Local news loves finding a local connection to whatever the big story is. Loves it. And, to be fair, local boy makes Pope is a legitimate story. They're interviewing his brother, every school he ever attended is putting him in the brochure. I get it. It's news. The most interesting thing to happen here in Santa Cruz was back in December when part of the wharf collapsed and the bathroom washed up about a mile down the beach.

"And over here is the jacuzzi tub with built 
in jets and, it is said, the power to blindness"

I'm sure if instead of watching local infrastructure fall into Monterrey Bay, a Santa Cruzian was catapulted to the head of a major religion, it'd be a big deal here too. But did anyone stop to think about how this would affect his childhood home's Zestimate? Yeah, I thought not. For those unfamiliar, a Zestimate is what the website Zillow, and I presume some kind of real estate algorithm thinks your house is worth. And we learned recently that being the former address of God's infallible mouthpiece on Earth can bring a place real curb appeal.

This is a 826 square foot house for sale near
my apartment. 1.4 million dollars. Of money.

Two days ago, the three bedroom, one and a half bath house was $245,000. Today, it's off the market. There was about a three day window between when it went on the market and where a hundred and thirty-three celibate guys in robes voted Pope Bob in which you could have owned a piece of papal history, but alas. Good news for the owners I suppose. When they bought it last year, they only paid--if you live where I live, you'll want to sit down for this--$66,000 for the seven hundred and fifty square foot cape cod. 

Location, location, location! Unless
we're talking South Chicago Suburbs,
then it's all Pope, Pope, Pope.

So how much will this piece of Leo-nalia ultimately cost? The owners pulled it to consider their options. I guess if you just found out a famous grew up in your flip, you pump the breaks. After all, in the Middle Ages, pilgrims would travel hundreds of miles, sometimes thousands of miles to see a relic, and usually those were of questionable provenance. All these folks are doing is pulling their fixer-upped off the market to consider whether or not a little papal sur charge is in order. Shady? Ehh...maybe a little, but the couple is expecting a child, so maybe we can cut them some slack?

Still though, I hope whoever buys it bears in mind that the Pope is still just some guy, and that the house isn't magic.  

"Well, our must-haves are good schools, a walk-in closet in the
master bedroom, and plenary indulgence. Oh! And an open floor plan."

-someone, inevitably

We're all pretty misérable...

Pictured: Trump holding an obviously
photoshopped picture of Valjean's knuckles.

Too my first question is why is the president attending a production of Les Misérables in the first place? I myself have never seen it, but I'm passingly familiar with the plot and I understand it to be a story about redemption and the triumph of the human spirit set against the background of class struggle and turmoil and--oh, wait, do you suppose he thinks Javert is the good guy? Like, maybe he's under the impression that we're supposed to root for the psychotic authoritarian police inspector doggedly pursues a guy who once stole bread to feed his starving family? 

I bring this up because evidently ten cast members from the touring production of Les Misérables have decided to boycott the performance at the Kennedy Center the night the president will be attending. 

I know actors. I've worked with actors. It takes a
lot to make them not want to be on stage. Like, a lot.

Other failed casinos and an ever-
increasing number of lawsuits.

You might recall that after his landslide victory in November when most people voted for somebody else (it's a loose definition of landslide), he appointed himself the President of the Board of the Kennedy Center. He then proceeded to appoint a bunch of sycophants to the board, and cancel anything he deemed woke, which, still waiting for a definition on that. Anyway, The move was, as you can imagine, not received well, and there's just a general sense that he doesn't give a shit about the Kennedy Center, he just wants his name on things. 

Trolled him. Right to his
scowling, felonious face. 

But whatever, he's got an ego, and we're all suffering for it. Which brings us back to the question of why he's even going. It's ostensibly a fund raiser for the Center, but I can't imagine his being there is going to help. Add to this the inevitable disruptions of protestors, and the fact that half the cast is refusing to go on. Oh, and remember that time the Army Chorus trolled him by singing "Do You Hear the People Sing?" Well that's from this show. So you can throw in a reminder of that public humiliation. And, I mean, if nothing else I just don't see him as a theatre guy.

This is someone who nodded off at the Pope's funeral. Are we really to believe that he'll be able to sit through three hours of people singing about things that aren't him? Three hours where he isn't the center of attention? Unless...damnit, he's going to make himself the center of attention, isn't he?

And the less said about what he did at Notre Dame, the better.

Popefuls!

What's latin for "whomp whomp?"

It's a black smoke day institutional continuity fans, a black smoke day. Yup, no pope. Sede vacante. But that's evidently not a surprise, as according to my extensive research of some stuff I saw on Youtube, the first round of pope voting is usually taken up with the cardinals just voting for their colleagues as a sort of honorable mention. Tomorrow the real popularity contest begins. But did you know that anyone can be pope? Ok, not anyone, you have to be a baptized Catholic man, which is, bananas.

That's some chutzpah demanding tithes when
 you own a golden horse-drawn carriage.

There are nearly one point four billion Catholics in the--huh? No, I'm not. I'm more of a secular humanist agnostic? I don't know. Doens't matter. Although my parents were both raised Catholic, so I've inherited both a fascination with the Catholic Church as an organization, and the crushing guilt. I mean, it's basically a medieval holdover--the church, not the guilt--that one in six humans on Earth look to for spiritual guidance for the low, low price of a tenth of their income. Oh, and they can look to it for a new job. Half of them anyway.

It also took them a couple centuries to
admit that Gallileo was on to something.

Which brings me back to the thing I found bananas: the idea that half of the 1.4 billion adherents are, technically eligible to don the pointiest of hats. I say technically because the college of cardinals hasn't looked outside their weird old guys in robes club for over five hundred years. Still though, the fact that any rando as long as he's a man and got dunked in a font as an infant can shoot all the way to the top, but a woman can't be a priest is, well, it's actually pretty on brand for pretty much any job, isn't it?

He would spontaneously
combust. Like, burst into flames.

If you're anything like me, you're interested, but not invested. What I'm sure is a time of heightened emotions for hundreds of millions of people around the world is, for us, a welcome distraction from having to think about that clown sitting in the White Ho--oh, and did you see that picture he tweeted? Of him dressed up as the pope? Ugn, even when it's not about him, he makes it about him. Obviously they'd never pick him. First, he's not a Catholic. Second, he's you know, a fundamentally terrible person. That's not to say all popes have been saints. Well, ok, a lot of them ended up as literal saints, but John XII had an incestuous relationship with his own neice. Alexander VI was famous for nepotism, philandering, and corruption. And Leo X sold indulgences, which are basically pardons--dang, he might fit right in.

Anyway, enough about him. Now is the time to stream Conclave with Ralph Finnes, check the AP for updates and not think about the goon or his dumb pleas for attention, or how he nodded off at the last Pope's funeral or--damint! He's doing it again.

Conclave means "with key" referring to how the cardinals lock themselves up to choose the
next pope in total secrecy. This means they could be doing anything in there. Literally anything.
They could flip a coin and spend the next few days catching up on Andor for all we know.