The Patron Saint of Trickle-Down

Well, as you may or not be aware, today is Ronald Reagan Day. At least in California, where he was the governor, and Wisconsin which is full of Republicans. Anyway, it also happens to be my birthday which I have the misfortune to share with our most arms-sellingist, AIDS-crisis-ignoringest, ex-chimp co-star president ever. 

Aww...that chimp is so adorable, I've completely
forgotten about the Iran Contra affair.

I'd like to extend my apologies
to the Sámi people of Finland...

So not only will I pretend that I didn't have to remind you of that, I'll also help you find the perfect gift. I would like February 6th to be a day of observance for something else. Which, ok, it's already Waitangi Day: a celebration of the founding of New Zealand and that's great but I'm not from New Zealand. I wish I were, but I'm not. And it's also Sami National Day, which recognizes the Sami people of Finland, but then I'm not Finnish either. In fact, I've barely begun. Yeah, I know, but I'm actually not better than that.

Anyway, all this to say, I'm going to make some suggestions, and then it's up to you, my loyal readers--yes, both of you--to use your powerful influence to get one of these things declared a holiday. Preferably one that gets people a day off. 

"Yeah, but education and rehabilitation are hard and
expensive, so draconian sentencing and sitcoms"?

-The Reagan Administration

So the first possibility that came up in my extensive research of Wikipedia, is that February 6th is Natalie Cole's Birthday. Now, I know what you're thinking, and it's true, I've never mentioned being a fan of R&B and pop. In fact, my musical interests are largely limited to video game sound tracks, and I'm fairly certain she never covered the theme to Dr. Wily's Castle from Mega Man 2, but she is a beloved recording artist and a way better choice to share a birthday with than Ronald "War on Drugs" Reagan. Speaking of, remind me again? How'd that turn out? Ineffectually? 

February 6th 2005 was the date of Super Bowl XXXIX, which saw the New England Patriots defeat the-look, I didn't care then and I don't care now. Was this maybe a significant Super Bowl? Like, was it a stunning upset or did anyone parachute on to the field in the middle of the game? Was this the one with the nipple? Look, I'm grasping at straws here, that's how much I don't want to share a birthday with Reagan.

Hey, remember when this was the biggest controversy facing the American
people and not say, should we give the President a pass for trying to incite a coup?

Incidentally, we should 100% revive
the custom of Senate rap battles.

Another option is that on February 6th, 1952, King George VI died, making his daughter Elizabeth Queen of England as well as a number of other countries Britain kind of stole over the centuries. Which, ok, it's problematic, sure, but the Queen's pretty great, right? And while it would be kind of weird to have a holiday for the descendant of the porphyria addled tyrant our founding fathers waged both a war and at least two rap battles trying to get rid of, I'd still vastly prefer Queen Elizabeth II Day.

Anyway, there're three options for you to consider as we sit among the consequences of Reagan's economic policies, suffocating under student and medical debt, while Jeff Bezos takes some time off to be alone with his $185 billion, and while rich hospital donors cut in line for COVID vaccines. So like, happy Ronald Reagan Day...I guess.

"Happy Ronald Reagan Day, dah-ling!
Here's to unbridled capitalism!"

-Rich people, soaring majestically

over the starving masses