Unashadened Freude

Maybe your parents should make more
ethical choices when it comes to shopping?

To be clear, my schadenfreude--about which I don't actually feel particularly ashadened--is aimed at Amazon the company and not say, people who work for Amazon (everybody's gotta eat), or even the people who buy from Amazon (although, you 100% don't have to do that). Although I suppose I feel a little badly for folks who bought their kids' Christmas gifts on Amazon, and now they're delayed, but then that's on the company's management and not the workers.

"You want to negoti--what? Sorry,
I can't hear you over all this money."

-Amazon

Like, maybe they should have agreed to bargain with the workers? But you, know, something something capitalism I guess. And now nine thousand Amazon employees walked off their jobs. Not because of the unsafe working conditions or inadequate pay--well, ok, kind of because of that--but because the company declined to even negotiate with them. And nine thousand workers are like, you know, .6% of the company's one and a half million workforce, but then it's enough to grind Christmas to a halt. 

Is it true? I don't know.
But people are saying...

Alarmingly, the former CEO and noted rich guy Jeff Bezos is hanging out with Trump and is handing him a million dollars for his dumb inauguration. Because the last one went so well. I say alarmingly both because of what he did at Notre Dame, and because billionaires are just straight up buying the presidential access now. Which isn't new, but the tit for tat feels particularly blatant, and I have a not unreasonable conspiracy suspicion that he'll pull a Reagan and send in scabs shortly after being sworn in. 

Or, easier still, he could pack the National Labor Relations Board. You might have heard that the Amazon/Trader Joe's/Tesla lawsuit to get rid of the NLRB isn't going so well at the moment, so like they say, if you can't beat'em, throw your money behind a populist autocrat, and let him fill it with billionaire-friendly puppets who will take your side when your underpaid staff complain about unsafe working conditions...you know, Republicans.  

Breaking News: the President has appointed a number of nineteenth-century
robber barons to the National Labor Relations Board in a move critics say not
only undermines labor protections, but violated the laws of nature by resurrecting
their corpses and giving them powerful positions in a federal agency.

Is it cynical if it's true?

Yeah, but they said that their warehouses were like super safe, and like why would they lie?

Oh, right.

Above: a typical day at an
Amazon fulfilment center.

An eighteen month Senate investigation chaired by Bernie Sanders found that the rate of worker injuries at Amazon is twice that of the industry average. Evidently, the company's Dickensian warehouses where workers frantically rush to fulfill orders are veritable death traps--or at least injury traps--where safety procedures are routinely ignored. Then, when someone is injured, company representatives pressure them return to work before they're fully recovered. Which, super.

The report is pretty damning. Or at least the summary is. I don't get paid for this you know. The committee conducted a hundred and thirty-five interviews, collected first hand accounts, and documents from hundreds of workers, and it all paints a picture both horrifying yet, you know, on-brand for the company. 

"Oh-wee-ohh-wee-oooo-ohhh."

-An Amazon worker who

preferred to stay anonymous

"But your honor, people should be
grateful that they even have a job."

-Amazon's lawyer

Amazon, for their part, is disputing the findings. In a statement hilariously attributed to "Amazon Staff," the company portrays itself as a tireless champion both of worker safety and customer satisfaction, which is a bold claim from a company famous for having to be pressured into giving their employees enough time to use the bathroom. And for a company which is also trying to get the courts to rule that the National Labor Relations Board is unconstitutional and always has been. I guess their contention is that no one has noticed in the past ninety years.

Pictured: Sanders at Biden's inauguration.
Remember? Back when we had hope? Fun.

Now, I should be upfront and say that in addition to working in a bookstore, an industry Amazon specifically set out to destroy first before moving on to gutting brick and mortal retail in America, I've also become increasingly skeptical of corporations in general over my forty-some years of life. In my view, ours is a bleak, hyper capitalist wasteland. so to some extent when I read a story like this, one that aligns so easily with my worldview, I'm inclined to believe it. I'm biased. I have no trouble believing that Senator Sanders is on to something here. 

To be clear, you have to
provide your own bag.

But biases don't mean that the committee isn't correct, or that we need to give the company that popularized poop bags for their drivers the benefit of the doubt. Of course the committee's findings are real, and of course Amazon is putting profit ahead of people. Milton Friedman, noted economist and cause of everything wrong with everything, argued that corporations have a social responsibility to increase its profit, and that's it. So Amazon will keep doing what they're doing it until they're forced to stop either through government action or until public disgust makes it unprofitable to continue. 

Basically they'll keep doing it forever. You see, the incoming administration is almost certainly going to be on team poop bag, so government action seems unlikely. And America is addicted to free shipping despite the fact that it's in no way free, so a boycott is equally out of the question. Cynical? Maybe. But not wrong.

What? It's not free. It's called Prime and it's $135 year.
Amazon's not your friend, it's your dealer.

It's the Schrodinger's cat of pie videos

Kids also swear more, but unlike
Rooney, that never bothered me.

Honestly, thought I'd be older before the world became a confusing, baffling nightmare, but in fairness, I am in my forties. On the bright side, it's not like I'm all Andy Rooney about it, complaining about how things used to cost less and that customer service is dead. Of course, they did cost less, and customer service is dead, don't misunderstand. We're just used to it. I've seen a precipitous decline in the quality of life in America just in my lifetime. It's just that that thing with the Enron CEO and the pie lady happened yesterday, and I'm just...I can't even.

Hooray. We, the powerless and downtrodden millions have found a way to protest the system that sets corporate America above the law, above morality, and above consequences without resorting to murder. The answer is, as I suppose it was always meant to be, pie. 

Yeah, but hold your applause, I'm about to ruin it for you.

I don't mean to victim blame here, but
it kind of feels like they should have seen
the French Revolution coming.

And sure, there are those who will bemoan the fact that assault with pie is still assault, and it is. But as so many have pointed out, people can only be pushed so far. People have to set up GoFundMe's every time they need a kidney or get a cancer diagnosis. Yeah, Luigi Mangione is being charged with murder, of course he is. And I mean, assuming that's him in the video (and we're all pretty sure it is, right?), he's super guilty. The fact that we're not all as horrified as we should be--and a lot of people are actually cheering him on--speaks to the frustration and powerlessness we all feel. 

Pictured: America's 1%, seen here 
blissfully unaware that this is not
a sustainable situation.

There's a finite amount of money and resources in the world. Probably enough to go around, but with each passing day those resources are increasingly sucked up by a wealthy few. Like, we should have universal healthcare like every other wealthy nation on the planet, but we don't because money is speech and health insurance companies basically own lawmakers. We should be able to afford housing, but speculators and developers have made it impossible for most of us. We live in a democracy and should be able to do something about it, but, well, you saw what happened last month.

And afterwards, Gates gave away all
his money and has become a tireless
crusader for social justice...right?

But then comes this hero and her pie. Was it assault? Maybe. Insanely, pie, unlike money, is not considered protected speech. But who can blame her? She's just chucking what we're all feeling...or is she? Because it sounds like this hilarious and satisfying example of baked justice was staged. Evidently, Connor Gaydos, the CEO in question is the same Connor Gaydos who, along with Peter McIndoe wrote Birds Aren't Real, a satire about an equally satirical conspiracy theory. Also, Enron doesn't exist anymore having folded in 2007 and perhaps this was a reference to the real-life pie-ing of Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, and actual Enron CEO Jeff Skilling. 

Which, ok, that's actually funny, but is it real or not? Or is it actually just viral marketing for crypto currency? All I can find about that is articles passive voice-edly saying "it is speculated" that it's just a crypto ad. So maybe it's not. Or is. I don't know, because we live now in a world where nothing is real, and nothing matters, but everything is prohibitively expensive and they're about to swear in a convicted felon in a few weeks.

Pictured: adult diapers for concerts so you don't have to get up.
It's a joke, but it also sold out immediately, so it's not a joke? But it is?

 

An algorithm of perpetual failure

So, couple of things...

It's not just me. It can't be. Can it?

In fairness, kids are terrible artists.
I mean, look at this. That's just awful.

Someone on the DivvUp marketing team had to have known what they were doing, right? It's not impossible that an actual child drew this, but someone had to look at this and make the conscious decision to say: "Yes, that is exactly the image to use. That's what human necks look like. Perfect. No notes." Which is weird considering the general wholesomeness of the company--if anything in this end-stage capitalism hellscape we find ourselves suffering through can be called wholesome--but I mean, they provide socks to homeless people. And dick jokes to Facebook.

"More food? Where are the socks?
Just--just throw this all away..."

-Shelters, evidently?

DivvyUp is a Florida-based--wait, hear me out. Not everything from Florida is terrible. There's uh...oranges? You don't have scurvy, do you? Thanks Florida. So DivvyUp is sock manufacturer whose thing is that for every pair of socks you buy, they donate a pair to a homeless shelter. No, not like one at a time, I guess they let them build up and then do it monthly? Which, cool. According to their site, that was the thing the shelters say they need, even more than food. But, also food, right?

They also sell custom socks, so if you--for some reason--want your face or that of your pet on a pair of socks, or any number of products, it can be yours. Blankets, drink cozies, you name it. If you want your baby's face on an air freshener, they'll do that for you too. The possibilities are limitless. And baffling. 

They are curiously silent on exactly what this smells like,
but baby's aren't really famous for pleasant odors.

Ugh, we get it. You're fecund.

A similar company appeared on my social media feed a few years ago, leaving me to seriously doubt the competency of the algorithm as I have no pets and even if I did, I wouldn't want them on socks. Look, I'm not judging you if this is your thing, but the practice of putting photos of your kids or your dog on socks, hats, and t-shirts (always ill-fitting t-shirts at that) or whatever is a yum I have no problem yucking. For one thing, I find it kind of tacky. For another, like Marty McFly's siblings, these images must surely fade with each passing trip through the laundry. It just seems like an ever-present reminder of death. A crass memento mori in 100% polyester.

More like a tsu-not-mi...

So, I just want to be clear that I'm not mad that there wasn't a tsunami. I'm really not. I do however want to talk a bit about the Santa Cruz County Office of Response, Recovery & Resilience. Which, no really that's what it's called, because Santa Cruz is going to Santa Cruz. But back to the cataclysmic death wave: 

Uh-huh: "until local officials say it is safe to return."
Remember that bit, it will come in handy later...

The red is the possible tsunami danger
zone, the yellow is us, and the whole
thing is in the unaffordable rent zone.

First we got the above warning accompanied by every phone in earshot blaring that alarm sound. Ok, fair enough: flee the city. At this moment I and everyone with a screeching iPhone, was in Santa Cruz, California, about a mile from the shore. As it happens, Santa Cruz is on the north end of Monterey Bay, and we're kind of used to these things not really applying to us, as the bay sort of shields us a bit, but part of the county is on the coast and was included in the warning. Maybe the notification technology isn't sophisticated enough to parse out which parts of a county are affected, so they just tell everyone to head for the high ground and sort it out later. Whatever, a quick map check says we're not in the zone. Super.

Oh, so we are going to die? 
Make up your minds, would you? 

Around noon the National Weather Service gave the all clear for the entire California coast and we all went back to living our lives of pleasant weather and clinging to the knowledge that at least we voted for Kamala. But ten minutes after the all clear from the NWS, we get a whole other warning from the County Office of Response, Recovery & Resilience--which is the most Santa Cruz name for a thing ever--telling us "get away from the coasts because tsunami." Look, I don't want to tell the SCORR&R how to do their jobs, but this back and forth is seriously affecting my resilience. 

Another trip to the NWS site confirms that this is nonsense, but I mean, someone had to push the send button, and they probably also have access to the NWS site. So maybe check it out before sending us all back into panic mode? It was another half an hour before the Santa Cruz Office of Response, Resilience and Manifesting Positive Vibes called their warning off, and I just need them to get it together next time, you know?

Oh, and if they could look into getting an Oxford
comma while they're at it, I'd be much obliged.

It's only injustice when Democrats do it.

My favorite was when the president-elect (who again, is a felon, like an actual convicted felon who sexually assaulted like twenty-five women) outraged performed on the doubly ironically named Truth Social about the injustice of it all.

"Pwa hahahahahahahahahahaha <sharp intake of air> hhahahahahahaha!"

-literally everyone who read this

"Politically motivated? Us? Never!"

-Jim Jordan, suddenly 

caring about crime

The injustice of what? Joe Biden's pardon for his son Hunter over the weekend. Hunter Biden was convicted of purchasing a gun while using and being addicted to illegal drugs, and some felony tax offenses. Previously the President had said, promised even that his son would not receive a presidential pardon and that he'd be treated no differently than anyone else, even though the zeal with which the younger Biden had been prosecuted seemed to be more about hurting the President than anything else. I mean, Republicans routinely run on guns and not paying taxes, so what are they even mad about?

Pictured: Hunter Biden, seen
here not being the President.

But of course, he did commit crimes. And honestly, the guys sounds like kind of a mess. The fact that he was prosecuted for them solely because Republicans were butt hurt that their coup failed is irrelevant to his guilt. It's not irrelevant to his pardon though and the President cited that in his comments saying that "It is clear that Hunter was treated differently." And he was. The Biden Presidency was four years of Republicans railing about his son, which is weird, because literally no one voted for Hunter. That's just all they had.

Above: the smarmy, walking, talking
embodiment of the death of irony.

That that justify Biden's reversal? I don't know. And at this point, I don't think I care. Hunter is the President's son. Of course he's going to pardon him. Trump gave his kids like every job they've ever had. Remember that time Don Jr. accused Hunter of being the recipient of nepotism? 

"When you're the father and your son's entire career is dependent on that, they own you."

-Don Junior, no really

Trump's Truth Social post connecting the insurrectionists (hostages? really dude?) with Biden the younger is the kind of insane, infuriating nonsense we're going have to endure for the next four years. He already promised to pardon those guys on day one, and they did a treason. I suspect the next few days are going to be about Republicans gnashing their teeth and tsk tsk-ing the sorry state of affairs when a President can just overturn a conviction, but just bear in mind who's doing the tsk-tsking.

I guess what I'm saying is: get it Joe. Get it. Nothing matters.

Capitalism, amiright?

Above: Milton Friedman, the guy
who is a large part of the reason we use
cancer terminology to describe capitalism.

I'm a renter, and have been my entire adult life. And last night I was sitting here in my rented apartment when one of the vertical blinds just sort of fell off. Like, broke and fell off. And this isn't a woe is me post. I mean, I live in Santa Cruz California, and everyday on my way to work I pass by people who have it far, far worse than I. That is, they don't even have crappy plastic vertical blinds to disappoint them in the first place. What this is is a bemoaning of the general shittiness of twenty-first century, end-stage capitalistic America.

This is in fact the third set of these blinds I've lived with over the years, and over several apartments, and in all three cases they simply fell apart. They're cheap, and rather than replace them with something that lasts, the building management just replaces them with the same thing. Because cheap. Because profit margin. I don't know, I'm not a business guy.

This is not a picture of my apartment, but it might as well be.

Pictured: consumerism. We do this to
ourselves on purpose, if you can believe it.

But I'm not here to complain about blinds, but I am here to complain. For the umpteenth time, I opened my laptop and found the battery nearly dead despite being freshly charged. I thought enough is enough, drove to the store and participated in the only human activity actively rewarded by our civilization: consumerism. I pointed to the very computer I am now typing this on, said "that one!" and handed over my credit card. Done. Right? Capitalism: achieved. 

It's been used as a verb since the
sixteenth century and is perfectly
correct, but I don't have to like it.

A few days later, I got an email explaining to me that my credit score had been "impacted." Setting aside any questions I might have had about using "impact" as a verb I logged into the site I use to track such things, and sure enough I was ten points down. The horror! Ten points? What did I do? How have I disappointed the credit bureaus? It turns out I had committed the grievous error of actually using my credit card, and while I carried that balance for exactly three days (only two of which were business days), I have been forever marked as a credit risk. Well, at lest for a few months or whatever.

I suppose I should have
seen that coming. 

But how did this come to pass? Evidently, I spent a greater percentage of my limit than they were comfortable with, so ten points. There's no appeals process, I have no recourse. The credit lords have spoken. Woe is me. But for real, what even do they want from us? They who? I don't know, whoever stands to gain from a system that's increasingly stacked against those making fewer than six figures? Whoever stands to gain from preventing us from ever being able to get ahead. Whoever stands to gain from--oh, right, rich people.

I mean, it's probably not an actual table. They
probably all get on a zoom call or something.

And it's not like I think there's some secret cabal of rich, shadowy figures who sit around a conference table thinking up ways to screw over the rest of us. It's just a system that over time has gone from being indifferent to the best interests of most of us, to openly hostile. I'm not an economist or a political scientist, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb by suggesting that allowing money to mix with politics has some pretty foreseeable consequences we rarely seem to be able to foresee. 

And look, I know it's just a dumb credit score, and I'm far, far from the biggest victim of this system. Like I said, I have a place to live (albeit one with cheap vertical blinds), which is more than an alarming number of Americans can say. But at some point this becomes unsustainable, right? Like, if something doesn't change, at some point we're all going to get tired of being judged by Equifax, and grab some pitchforks and torches?

"Bad consumer! Bad! You're doing it wrong. I deduct ten points."

-Whomever's in charge of credit, as a thing