Today in unsolicited advice:

Sorry, I'm being ridiculous. This is America,
they've almost certainly got a gun.

Hey, do you want my advice? Whatever you do, don't--huh? What do you mean, no? I mean, of course you don't want my advice. Who wants unsolicited advice about a mystery topic from a blog? Do people even do blogs anymore? But my point is you should at least feign interest. For all you know, my advice could be "watch out behind you, he's got a knife." It's not, he doesn't, and settle down, I can't actually see you, but you didn't know that. Although I suppose there is a non-zero posability of someone with a knife behind you right now, so maybe check?

Anyway, my advice? Don't get COVID. I managed to so far into this nonsense without getting it and it finally looked like maybe it was on i's way out, or at least turning into something like a cold or the flu. But then, smack. Saturday morning. The ol' pink stripe. 

Three years of avoiding social interaction for nothing.
Now I'm going to need a whole new excuse.

Then I remembered that that's not really
a thing and people who think they are immune
are kind of dumb. And possibly dead now.

Now, I know what you're thinking: grout kitchen countertops? Those are the worst. And you'd be correct. But secondarily, what made me think I was so special? Exceptionalism, I guess? I am an American. But mostly I thought that if I went above and beyond the CDC recommendations, I could avoid it. I mean, I don't work in a particularly high risk environment, I masked longer than almost everyone else, and I went in for every shot and booster shot they'd give me. I was even beginning to think I was just naturally immune or something.

But here we are, or rather, here I am: day four on the couch, and rapidly running out of YouTube and patience for YouTube. I'm not complaining mind you, far too many people had it way worse that I do. Boredom is hardly the worst part of being sick, but goddamn, there are only so many times I can skip that State Farm flower shop ad. 

YouTube uses a kind of extortion business model:
pay us and we'll stop making you watch ads.

*Incidentally, while finding the shot above, I somehow managed to capture a moment where the flower shop owner is making the same face I make whenever this ad comes on:

"Say businesses is blooming one more time..."

Was it something I said?

Or typed? I ask because a couple of posts I wrote--one from 2016 and another from 2019--now have one of these in front of them:

Yeah, a sensative content warning. You know, that thing blogs
get if they regularly post porn. I mean, that's what I heard.

Pictured: basically me. 

I've been doing this for like twelve years now and I've never had one of these before. Evidently someone flagged me? I guess I don't know how this works, and finding out seems to involve a lot of reading of end user agreements and guidelines, so really there's no way to know. According to the email they sent me I can update the sensitive content and then re-publish or something and that's fine, whatever, but I'm not actually sure how this happened in the first place. For one, I think like maybe, at most, five people actually read my blog and I know all of them. Have I been betrayed? Has someone close to me ratted me out?

Singer Bryan Adams also pulled out--
let me finish--of some shows in the State.

I'm not saying I don't deserve it, but I'm not super clear on precisely what in the posts in question warranted the flagging. The 2016 post is about how the website, XHamster, which I understand to deal in adult content suspended operations in North Carolina in response to law that allowed business to discriminate against queer people. A spokesperson for the site called out North Carolinian's robustly diverse pornographic preferences (as evidenced by XHamster's each history) as evidence of hypocrisy in passing their bigoted laws. That is, for a State with homophobic laws, they sure do love gay porn.

Above: the hill the American Right
is willing to die on this week.

I suppose my admittedly obvious jokes about Sodom and Gomorrah could conceivably be considered adult, but I mean, the definition seems a little squidgy. The 2019 post on the other hand was about the (first) impeachment of Donald Trump, and how maybe he wasn't on the up and up. I don't think it rises to the level of bullying as outlined in the community guidelines, but conservatives are threatened by M&M's so who can even say with these people?

It looks like I can request a review or something but I don't know, is it even worth it? On the one hand I just don't like the idea that some rando can, without offering a specific criticism or complaint, get my blog slapped with a Sensitive Content Warning. On the other hand, that all seems like a lot of work when I could just move on with my day.

There are so many other reasons to take issue with my blog: frequent
spelling errors, incorrect use of punctuation, an over-reliance on images
with joke captions. Why are you even reading this? I mean, I wouldn't.

Yes, it's exactly like getting E. coli.

Could we all just...I don't know, maybe not shop on Amazon? Or at the very least, if you're going to do it, maybe don't tell me? You know, the guy working at the bookstore? 

Pictured: Jeff Bezos, a man with a dream. A dream to undercut small, independent
booksellers, drive them out of business, and then consume the rest of American brick
and mortar retail until there's just one, giant, anticompetitive mega corporation. 

Super, I'm sure they need the business.

I work at a bookstore as I may or may not have mentioned before, and the other day I was helping a customer who as looking for a book. She didn't have a specific title in mind, just a topic. We didn't have one precisely fitting what she wanted, but I did a little digging and found one we could order for her in a couple days. Cool, right? No. She said: "forget it, I'll just go home and order it on Amazon." Then she went on to let me know that the shipping will be free, and they'll get it to her in just a couple of days.

Remember when Amazon just let their
drivers shit in bags? Because they do.

Which, couple of things. First. I actually know how Amazon works, but thanks. Secondly, a couple of days? That's like the same time frame I gave her. Admittedly, it's possible, nay, likely that the book would get to her faster coming from Amazon. Fine. And yes, I know the shipping is free, but I mean, at what cost? Do...do people not know that Amazon is bad? Yeah, we all love things delivered quickly and cheaply, but they're a terrible company and engage in shitty business practices.

I guess I just can't possibly fathom what would have made this person think that after I'd just done all the work of coming up with a title of a book for her, I'd want to hear how about she's going to go buy it on freaking Amazon, a company that's been doing it's level best to drive us and bookstores like us out of business for over twenty years. That's like...it's like...it's like this actually:

"Hmm...you know what? Just scratch the whole order. I'm going to go home and order
Chipotle from Uber Eats. It might give me E. coli, but they'll bring it right to my house so."

-Not my best analogy

Is it though? Shocking and insane?

He knows what "shocking and insane" mean, right? George Santos, I mean. I ask because that's what he called reports that he stole money raised through a GoFundMe campaign. 

"Yeah, that tracks..."

-literally everyone

Pictured: Santos, flashing a white
power symbol. because of course he is.

Wait? What do you mean, that tracks? I mean, it does, it absolutely does, but I haven't even gotten to the best, worst part: the GoFundMe campaign was for a dog. A veteran's dog. Who had cancer. The dog, that is, not the veteran. Oh, and the dog died. I mean, holy shit, only a monster would even be capable of thinking about pulling such an Omega-Level dick move. A stone cold sociopath. Not the kind of person you elect to the House of Representatives much less give two committee seats to. Except he is, and they did and did I mentioned the dog died?

And why not lie? It's not like anyone 
could possibly verify his claims.

As if being a member of the Republican Party in 2023 isn't enough to cement ones status as an absolute, rabid foam nutter, Santos has: lied about having a college degree, lied about his employment history, lied about being Jewish, lied about his mother dying in the 9/11 attacks, lied about having lost employees to the Pulse nightclub shooting, is wanted for check fraud in Brazil, and lied about being endorsed by Trump in 2020 and then contested his and Trump's election losses in that year.

What? I don't know, it's just an example.
Why would someone lie about raising money
to save a dog? I'm not the one on trial here.

So when a veteran called Rich Osthoff said that Santos offered to help them raise funds to save his dog, and then when the time came to hand over the three thousand dollars raised, gave a bunch of nonsense excuses and ultimately kept the money for himself, we believe him. Osthoff that is. Because at this point there is nothing George Santos can say, not the color of the sky or the melting point of water, that anyone, anywhere, would, at the very least, take with an enormous quantity of salt. Because that's how reputations work. 

Above: Santos, earlier today.

Santos, in a now deleted tweeted that 

"[t]he report that I would let a dog die is shocking and insane...my work in animal advocacy was the labor of love and hard work." 

-Representative George Santos

That's evidently a reference to a charitable organization he claims to have founded called, imaginatively, Friends of Pets. 

Which doesn't exist. Because of course it doesn't exist. He referenced a fraud to back up his defense of himself against accusations of lying, so either he's either elevated self-delusion to an art form, or thinks we're all dumb. 

Pictured: George Santos and Matt Gaetz taking the oath of office
which I'm sure they both took seriously. Like, super-seriously.

Swiss Laser Lightning Shield!

You may have noticed that the future--that is the future of the past, so now--has been somewhat disappointing. We love to harp on how we were promised hoverboards and robots, and instead we have Segways without handles and glorified vacuum cleaners. It's a tired sentiment, but a fair one.

These things don't hover and describing them boards is generous at best.

Above: Ron DeSantis bloviating
about some nonsense.

And those are just material examples of the twenty-first centuries utter failure as the world of tomorrow. Sociologically speaking, we shouldn't have to still be arguing over whether or not it's ok to ban Nazis from social media or explaining to goons why it's none of their business what bathroom people use. All in all, the past couple of decades have been a tailspin of a debacle of a shit show. So I'm going to take the wins where I can get them and controlling lightning with lasers is a win.

Yeah, you heard me, controlling lightning. With lasers. And get this it's science. The kind of science you might see air-brushed on the side of a van in the 70's.

Pictured: science, evidently.

Finally, idiots will be able to golf
in the middle of a storm.

Researchers working on a mountaintop in Switzerland have successfully diverted lightning strikes by firing lasers at clouds. If I'm understanding this--and I'm not--the laser beams, thanks to a principle called filament propagation can, when shot into a cloud, causes the bolt to follow the direction of the beams filament (again, I have no idea how this works) rather than just striking the ground all willy-nilly. And while the how is making my ears bleed, the what is that this discovery could actually protect people from being struck by lightning.

Benjamin Franklin: America's
horniest renaissance man.

Which, I mean, big deal, right? Like, getting struck by lightning is a phrase used to describe something incredibly unlikely. But lightning does pose a risk to aircraft in flight and can start wild fires, so maybe don't dismiss this Swiss Laser Lighting Shield out of hand, ok? Of course, the obvious question here is why go through all the trouble of using expensive lasers when a Franklin Rod--that's a lightning rod invented by Benjamin Franklin who also, incidentally, discovered lightning. Huh...that sounds a little suspicious now that I say it out loud.

Anyway, it's true that lightning rods have been getting the job done for over two centuries, this approach does more than just attract lightning, it induces it. It doesn't wait for lighting to strike, but tells it when and where. Awesome is the word I think you're looking for. And if reaching into the sky and ripping lighting from the very clenched fist of Zeus himself isn't a win for the twenty-first century, I don't know what is.

"Is that so? Well, we're just asking for a smiting, aren't we?"

-The Greek Pantheon's horniest lightning god

Today in jobs that are not real jobs:

If you see it and don't like it, you
have no one to blame but these guys.

So I just wanted Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery and--yes, I agree the title is dumb. Not just because it assumes that audiences can't draw a line between two movies starting Daniel Craig as a detective with the same name without some lame subtitle. It's inappropriate as well, since the movie's story is, beyond Craig's character, unrelated to Knives Out. Oh, and to be clear I don't review movies, that's not what this is. I don't want to hear about it if you watch it and don't like it.

Idle rich, debonair, and often
a high functioning alcoholic.

Where were we? Right, Glass Onion. I liked it. Knives Out was better, but whatever, it was good. Watch it, don't watch it. You do you. Anyway, in the movie--and don't worry, I'm not spoiling anything here--Daniel Craig's character, Benoit Blanc, is referred to by both himself and others as "the world's greatest detective." As though that's just a thing someone can be: A rich, debonair socialite who just solves crimes in their ample free time. Like it's a job or something, and the question occurred to me: is it? A job that is. And for a brief moment I thought: sure, it's got to be, right? 

Pictured: the tedious, thankless
reality of detective work.

Sure, police detectives are a thing and I suspect the reality of the profession is way less exciting than say, Law and Order or those weird Scandinavian crime shows would have us believe. Private detectives exist as well, although it's a profession that conjures a certain image. Right? Like that of a slovenly, middle aged man chain smoking in 1988 Cutlass Supreme whilst taking photos of someone's cheating spouse with a telescopic lens. But either way, solving crime is almost certainly 99% paperwork and research and 0% inviting suspects into the parlor to dramatically reveal who the real killer is.

"J'accuse!"

-like, no one ever

The consulting detective who, as a hobby, unravels elaborate murders perpetrated by criminal masterminds on a weekly basis is nonsense. And I suppose if you were to have asked me before this realization if there was such a profession, I would genuinely have had to think about it for a minute. We're all so soaked in crime fiction, the idea of detective as job description (at least in the way it's portrayed on TV or in movies) seems totally normal, you know until you scrutinize it in any way. 

And look, this is in no way a criticism of Glass Onion, or detective stories in general, but it's objectively weird that we all just kind of accept these characters without question. Also, it's kind of disappointing that they don't really exist.

On the other hand, the sheer number of murders needed to keep a single
consulting detective busy, much less enough to warrant an entire profession
would leave the world dangerously underpopulated so, maybe it's for the best?

America's Most Punchable Face

I am 100% not advocating violence. Not on the House floor and not even towards the worst people who work there. Nor am I suggesting that Alabama Representative Mike Rodgers is anything but a homophobic, anti-choice, racist shit heel. The guy even wants us to withdraw from the U.N. He's a loon. That said, I kind of know how he feels:

That's Representative Richard Hudson holding Mike Rodgers
back from clocking Florida Republican Matt Gaetz.

It's getting harder to keep track of
them all, just look for the rabid foam.

And look, again, I'm not defending Rodgers. At all. But in his defense--yes, I know what I just said--but in his defense, Matt Gaetz of Florida, one of the more barking mad lunatics the party has to offer, had just for the fourteenth time voted against Kevin McCarthy for Speaker of the House. Which, I mean, that is his right and whatever, that's how democracy works, but Gaetz was only doing this in order to extort committee seats and who knows what else. Also, he sucks. He's just one of the worst.

And also also, is it me of does Matt Gaetz have America's most punchable faces?

I mean, look at him. Punchable, right?

The House of Representatives really
could have used an Olenna Tyroll this week

Like, you know I'm not a terribly religious person, and I realize that what I'm about to suggest is possibly pretty offensive to those who are, but if Jesus Christ himself were to return in our lifetimes just so he could punch Matt Gaetz in the face, I'd believe it. And to be clear, lots of people have a punchable face but are decent human beings. Take Jack Gleeson from Game of Thrones. Punchable face, but you never would because he's probably a perfectly pleasant in real life.

Above: the law and order party, seen
here not experiencing consequences.

And besides, what kind of jerk goes around punch people? Again, I'm not advocating punching anyone. Although one might reasonably ask what kind of people interpret a narrow majority achieved only through naked gerrymandering as some kind of mandate from the people to investigate their political enemies, to pass transphobic and racist legislation, and to do their level best to obstruct the agenda of a President most of us voted against. Oh, and by the way, shouldn't some of these Representatives be in jail what with the whole insurrection thing?

Where was I? Right. The take away here is don't go punching people. Not even Matt Gaetz, even though he has both the punchable face and punchable personality/worldview that would make punching so richly satisfying. In fact, I propose we begin a tradition in the mode of Britain's Guy Fawkes Day where we all make effigies of Matt Gaetz and punch them in the face every January 6th.

No, I'm serious, let's make this a thing.