Today in the snapping of the last lingering thread of the Supreme Court's credibility:

Well, I suppose we all knew this was coming, but still, doesn't make it any less devastating. Like, this will ruin lives. I'm referring, of course, to the leaked draft of a Samuel Alito-penned majority opinion in which the Court strikes down Roe v. Wade.

Holy shit, then don't get one. Don't get one. This isn't hard.

"I lack the part of the brain responsible 
for feeling shame. It comes in handy..."

-the smirking turtle-faced

architect of our misery

And by the Court, I am of course referring to the ultra-right tilted nonsense that is the Supreme Court. You might recall that Neil Gorsuch is only there because Mitch McConnell sat on Obama's last court appointment. At the time he claimed that since Antonin Scalia died eight months before the election, the next President should get to fill the seat. Then, when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died less than two months before the 2020 election, McConnell rushed through Amy Coney Barrett in thirty days, reversing his previous position in what can only be described as the most brazen display of unapologetic hypocrisy in American history.

"And besides, we've recently learned
that women only have abortions because
Satan whispers into their ears so..."

And that's why Mitch McConnell and the entire GOP can go--and I mean this sincerely--fuck themselves. Anyway, here's what a dude who's biologically incapable of ever personally being affected by this ruling has to say:

"It's time to heed the Constitution and return the issue of abortion to the people's elected representatives."

-Samuel Alito enjoying his 

uterusless privilege

His point is that the Constitution doesn't specifically mention the right to an abortion as being a thing. Ok, fine. But it also doesn't mention women at all. Like, at all. Also, it protected enslavers from government interference, so maybe not everything in there is great?

Pictured: The Constitution Convention: one of 
American History's most notable sausage parties. 

What happens when the unelected appoints
the unqualified? Guess we'll find out..

And you know, he bangs that "people's representatives" drum like three times which is weird because the only reason he's hearing Dobbs v. Jackson's Women's Health Organization in the first place is because a guy who won the electoral college but lost the popular vote got to appoint three bat-shit crazy right wing Justices and all the MAGA states started falling over each other to ban abortion. But the issue was left to the people's representatives and the people voted for the Presidents who appointed the Justices who decided Roe. 

So I should mention that this is not yet verified. Like, Politico, who obtained it, says that it could be fake or it could be just a draft and might not reflect the final decision. A decision that's probably still a month or two off. But I mean, does anyone have any doubts that this is legit? And even if it's not real, it's almost certainly going to shake out this way eventually because everything is terrible...

...because of Republicans. I'm sorry to generalize, but everything is terrible
 because of Republicans. Book banning, Don't Say Gay Bills, white nationalism,
and now the likely end of Roe v Wade. Everything. Like, name a thing that sucks. 

Dumb, but not that dumb, k?

Look, I have little difficulty in believing that we--Americans, that is--are bad at geography. So bad in fact that most of us can't even find the countries we invade on a map. But c'mon:

Ok fine, this will be my last "hey lookit this dumb
thing on saw on social media" for a while.

$44 billion could have fed a lot of people,

but sure, a forum for fascists. That'll be nice.

This came up on Twitter this morning and I--what? He hasn't bought it yet. Huh? Yeah, of course I'll delete my account when and if Elon "Everything Wrong with Everything" Musk buys it. But until then, what else am I supposed to scroll through when I wake up for absolutely no reason at three in the morning? Wait, where was I? Right. What I was saying is bullshit. Well, obviously. Rather, what I mean to say is that I am calling bullshit on the idea that ninety percent of Americans can't find Italy on a map. It's a boot. Everyone can find the boot. 

We're dumb, but we're not that dumb, ok? Yes, granted, there are people who will continue to vote for noted insurrectionist Marjory Taylor Greene despite, and in some cases because of, her assertion that Satan--as in, the literal devil--whispers into women's ears and tells them to get abortions. But I don't think that these people are necessarily unintelligent. I just think they're ignorant and disengaged. And gullible. And racist. I could go on.

I'm not a theologian or anything, but if the Devil can trick women into getting
abortions, isn't it hugely irresponsible of God to just let him get away with it? Like,
couldn't God just whisper in the other ear? Or, I don't know, Q snap the Devil away? Wait,
you don't suppose Representative Green is just spouting crazy nonsense, do you?

"Good job finding Italy! Say you strike me as a
savvy shopper, can I interest you in an Alexa?"

-some rich huckster

Anyway, I didn't click on it, but I'm wiling to bet that yes, I can pass this "World Map Quiz." And so can you. So can most people. The marketing department at Bon Voyaged have no interest in making people feel stupid. This site is a "travel entertainment" site, which, I don't know what that means, but mostly it's just links to junk on Amazon. This ad is just designed to make people scrolling through Twitter at--what'd I say? Three?--three a.m. feel like goddamn geniuses. "What? nine out of ten Americans can't find Italy? I can find Italy. I'm smart. I think I'll buy whatever this is. That's what a smart would do!"

I don't know why I take these things so personally. I mean, we've already established that targeted advertising is woefully inaccurate. But I guess I bristle at the increasingly low opinion marketers have of consumers. Oh, also I can't stand the term "consumer." It reduces people to a transaction at best, a mouth at worst, and it's gross. Capitalism is gross.

"We were going to go with "rubes" but the focus group found it insulting."

-some marketing guy

Today in targeted ads with poor aim:

Once again I'm left with the vaguely disappointing impression that the Facebook algorithm doesn't even know me. I mean, look at this ad it threw at me:

Why even watch? For the lavish costumes and sumptuous set design?

I assume they're paid? For all I know,
they could just be people with far, 
far too much time on their hands

Yeah, it's an app that edits streaming TV for you. I'd never heard about this so I had to investigate and it's exactly you'd think it is: a service that you subscribe to, which, once you've plugged in your streaming accounts, cuts out all the naughty bits. What constitutes a naughty-bit you might reasonable ask? Violence, sex, nudity, you know, all the "won't someone please think of the children?" stuff. You can adjust the settings and even eliminate specific swears. I guess it does this by paying people to preview and then flag material someone might find objectionable. But that's censorship! you exclaim.

I honestly mean no offense when I say
this, but you guys kind of stand out...

Ok, maybe you didn't exclaim that. Which is good, because it's not. Censorship I mean. I think that word gets thrown around a lot. Usually by politicians who want to say racist shit on twitter and not be called out on it. I think for something to qualify as censorship, it has to be carried out some kind of authority, or institution, like a government or a school or something. This is just a bunch of Mormons trying to sell an app. Sorry, I just assumed they're Mormons. Which is unfair. Correct, but unfair.

They're from Utah and run a business that bleeps swears out of movies. I was just doing the math. Oh, and also they produce a series called The Chosen. It's about Jesus...who's looking remarkably white for a first century Judean. 

Although, incidentally, did they think this all the way through?
I don't want to spoil anything, but some viewers might want to 
fire up that filter for the series finale...

Like a GameGenie for movies.
Except it makes them less fun...

Speaking of Jesus, neither the Bible nor the Book of Mormon have any specific rules against pirating intellectual property, so VidAngel's--that's the company--original business model was to rip DVD's, edit them, and then stream them to customers. And this worked great until Disney and Warner Bros. sued the ever-living swearword out of them. They settled, and now they just insert themselves between the streaming services and the customer.

According to their site they're pro-free expression and their app lets customers control what they watch. Which, I mean, I feel like if you don't want to see Regency-era rich people bone down, then maybe Bridgerton isn't for you? But whatever. What I do want to know is why Facebook even bothers tracking my internet behavior and gathering my personal information if the best they can do is to try and sell me a Mormon dick-bluring app.

There are other ways to control what you watch. Ways that don't cost $9.99 per month.

We're not made of Gil you know...

So, couple of things. First, twelve thousand dollars for this thing is preposterous. Secondly, capitalism is gross. And yes, I will get to why I say this, but first behold this thing:

Bet you don't have one of these...uh...things?

It works out to 1,485,000 yen which
just seems unwieldy, but who am I to
tell Japan how to currency?

What even is that? Is a completely reasonable question. That is a SquareEnix Final Fantasy VI Masterline one sixth scale figure of Terra riding her Magitek Armor--and I'll have to explain like every word in that sentence, won't I? SquareEnix is a video game developer and Final Fantasy VI is a video game. Masterline is a word they made up to justify an outrageous asking price. One sixth is the scale, but one sixth of what? I mean, it's a video game. Terra is the protagonist of Final Fantasy VI, and Magitek Armor is...well it's, um, like a steampunk mech suit? The point is it costs twelve thousand dollars.

Pictured: What Terra (on right with
the green hair) looks like in the game.

Yes, of money. Can you believe it? No, you can't. No one can, although the figure is, admittedly, very detailed if you're into whatever someone has to be into to want one of these things badly enough to take out a loan or a mortgage or whatever. The design is based on the work of Amano Yoshitaka who did the art for the first six Final Fantasy games, although some of his style was lost in the translation to sprites. Like, it's not even close (see left) so instead this thing is based more closely on the game's cover art. 

It's the opposite of Funko Pops
which literally nobody wants.

Anyway, if you want one, you'd better hurry because SquareEnix is only going to manufacture six hundred of them. Why? One might reasonably ask. Because scarcity, that's why. Again, the thing certainly looks detailed, so I'm sure a lot of time and resources are going into them, but at twelve thousand dollars a piece, you'd think they'd want to make as many as they could. In fact, screw making games. If fans will pay that much for tchotchkes based on games why even bother with games? Look, no one actually needs a one sixth scale Terra riding Magitek figure. Every single one of these that sells will do so because someone thinks they're scarce. SquareEnix is baking on the collector mentality. Which is gross.

Both the mentality and the exploitation of it. I mean, look at the crazy amount of money people have paid for rare game cartridges over the last couple of years. Super Mario 64 is by no means scarce, but a sealed, in-box first copy is (kinda). It's in no useful way different from the your copy sitting in a box in your parent's attic, other than the fact that someone paid $1.56 million for it. Since SquareEnix can't manufacture more rare, sealed games from the 1990's, they're just going to do the next best thing.

Sorry, second best thing. The best thing they could do is put the Pixel Remasters
on Switch because playing retro games on smart phones is nonsense. And if you
don't know what I'm talking about, good for you. You have your priorities straight.

Halo? More like Ha-long...

"Twenty-three-skidoo!"

-me, playing video games

In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that I've been playing Halo for like, twenty years. Twenty. Years. Goddamn. Anyway, I mention this because it's a fairly violent shooter full of guns and I hate guns. I think the Second Amendment was talking about hanging on to our muskets in case the British come back, and since we have like an actual military now, there's absolutely no justification for putting up with forty-thousand gun-related deaths every year because a bunch of goons collect assault rifles. I mean, get a new hobby. But still, Halo.

Actual people are going through this
kind of horror right now. It just seems a
little, you know, gross?

I think it's because the violence in the game is sci-fi nonsense. That is, you're shooting aliens and not, you know, people. It's not something like Call of Duty or those Tom Clancy games which just simulate conflicts that are actually happening in the world, but I admit it's a dubious distinction at best. Whatever, where I'm going with this is that I'm familiar with the Halo games and therefore have a reasonably informed opinion of the streaming series based on them. Which, yeah, there's Halo TV show now.

Video game adaptations are--as we talked about recently--historically pretty awful. Sometimes it was because the games being adapted didn't always have much in the way of stories to work with. Take the Super Mario Bros. movie for example. Or, it might be because those producing it didn't think much of the built-in audience that comes along with the fandom. See Mortal Kombat Annihilation. 

I mean refer to it was an example. To be clear, do not see Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. 

Although Cortana is a bit more Polar Express
when everyone else around her isn't CG.

But recently video game adaptations have been taken more seriously and some of them have been pretty decent. And Halo is just that, decent. The cast is good, the special effects and CG aren't as overwhelming as one might expect, and if it matters, the production design is spot on. Like, the world in which it is set feels very Halo-ish. I don't review things on this blog, but let's say it's a B. Like, second tier sci-fi television. But what I can't understand is the pacing. The slow, deliberate pacing.

I mean, it's not Shakespeare, but
at least something's happening.

I just watched episode five and there was a very-Halo-ish extended action scene the likes of which I don't think we've seen since maybe the pilot. And I'm not like, an action person. That is, I tend to lose interest when movies or TV turn into a gratuitously violent series of barely comprehensible jump cuts and explosions, but this was faithful to the game series. And coming as it did in the midst of so much slow burn world-building, it was kind of jarring.

"Oh so that's what Master Chief's
childhood home looked like..."

-no one, ever

So many of Halo's episodes up to this point have been spent following a revolution on some random planet, and the Halsey/Keys' family drama, and delving into Master Chief's childhood, you kind of forget what you're watching. And this would be fine if the games lacked any kind of story, but they don't. Sure, some fleshing out needed to be done. And yeah, I get why the writers needed to humanize Master Chief, but it seems like they could, I don't know, pick up the pace?

In a surprising twist, it wasn't aliens
who built Halo, but ancient Egyptians.

Bail now if you don't want anything from the games spoiled, but the first entry in the series has Master Chief being taken out of stasis to defend a spaceship against an invasion of aliens. The ship then crashes on--wait for it--Halo: a vast ring in space so large that it has an atmosphere and a habitat on the interior surface. The reveal of the ring comes maybe twenty minutes in, and the rest of the story is built on uncovering the mystery of who built it and why. Oh, and running around shooting stuff. It is, after all, a video game.

But five episodes in, we've not even been to the ring. At this point, I'm thinking it's the big reveal for the season finale. A reveal that's spoiled by the source material and in a sense, the title. And I guess that's fine for people unfamiliar with the game, but for the built-in fanbase it's kind of a frustrating game of wondering when are are going to see the titular Halo.

"Ah, now, eventually, you do plan on going to Halo
on your, on you Halo TV show, right? Hello?"

-Dr. Ian Malcom

Today in tantrums with tax implications:

Look, I don't live in Florida, because if I did, I'd move. I mention this because despite not living in Florida, I have opinions about Florida. You may have noticed.

"Booooooooo!"

-Me, pretty much any time 

Florida makes the news

Is it me or is there something a little
North Korea-ish about Disney World?

Anyway, I mention this because one of those opinions is that it's pretty screwed up that Disney has an arrangement where Disney World somehow exists in some kind of weird self-governing business-topia. According to my extensive research of Wikipedia, the Walt Disney company manages it's own infrastructure and emergency services and is immune from land-use bills passed by county and state land-use bills. And other than having to pay property taxes and submit to elevator inspections, Disney World is its own government entity.

Unsurprisingly, it's an arrangement signed into law by a Republican. I mean, it's city run entirely by a corporation. It's the most Republican-y thing that ever Republicaned and yet now it's all coming to an end because of Republicans. 

Disney Worlds Special District Status, American credibility on the world stage,
democracy...a lot of things are coming to an end because of Republicans. 

"I'll ban math books, LGBTQ topics, criticism, 
anything. If you don't understand it, I'll ban it!"

-DeSantis, to his base

The Florida State House and Senate have both passed a bill to end Disney's special status and you might be forgiven for thinking that maybe conservative politicians have finally seen the folly in letting a company run its own fiefdom but no, this has nothing to do with business. Wait, hand on, Republicans? Not caring about money? Impossible! you might say, but no, there's only one thing they love more than money and that's pandering to their base. And the pandering-er the better, even if it means cutting off their tax revenue to spite their dumb, smirking, Trump-worshiping faces.

I wouldn't have thought rejecting those textbooks
would come back to bite them so quickly but...

The move is--and I'm sure when Ron DeSantis signs it, he'll say it's not, but it is--retaliation for Disney's opposition to his Don't Say Gay bill (yes it does) and it's apparently going to cost--according to CNBC--Florida Tax payers one billion--that's billion with a "B" dollars--in bond liability. Which, yeah, I don't know what bond liability is, but I'm pretty sure you don't want a billion dollars of it. That's in addition to the burden of providing services (fire, emergency, et cetera), that Disney is currently providing, but now will be on the county to cough up.

All this because an insecure, angry, Trumplet is butt-hurt that Disney (eventually) sided against him in his bullshit culture war. 

Hey, remember that time he yelled at those kids for wearing masks? God, he's the worst.

Make Altered Beast, you cowards!

I appreciate that Sonic The Hedgehog: The Movie wasn't total trash. I mean, it wasn't good by any objective measure, it was just, I don't know, inoffensive? 

Well, once they fixed whatever is going on here on the left anyway...

"Harumph."

-Andy Rooney

It promised one and a half hours of Ben Schwartz quipping and Jim Carey mugging and gave us exactly that. Cool. And it probably didn't hurt that it released during the pandemic when the only other thing to do was hope you didn't catch a respiratory disease. Oh, or catch up on the thirty of forty billion other things on streaming television right now. Which, I mean, doesn't anyone read anymore? And whatever happened to big band music? And have you noticed that everything costs more than--shit, sorry, I was Rooney-ing. Yes again. Where was I?

Right, Sonic the Hedgehog. It made a ton of money and so now there's a sequel with Idris Elba as Knuckles. On the surface it sounds ridiculous that some nonsense kids movie would get someone of Elba's caliber, but Orson Wells once played Unicron so nothing, nothing should surprise us anymore.

Pictured: The guy that gave us Citizen Kane, seen
here voicing a cartoon robot who eats planets. 

Above: the tower of hubris that marked the
beginning of Sega's downward spiral.

Anyway, I guess the sequel has done quite well, and now Sega is planning--you remember Sega, right? The video game company that once broke Nintendo's monopoly of the U.S. video game market and then through an almost comical series of dumb decisions slowly collapsed in on itself? Yeah, that's them. And now they're so drunk on the Sonic film's success, they've hired John Wick screen writer Derek Kolstad to adapt Streets of Rage as a movie. Yeah, Streets of Rage.

Incidentally, on behalf of all kids in the 90's,
I'd like to apologize for the clothes and haircuts.

"What's Streets of Rage?" you might ask? Why it's a series of side scrolling beat'em ups that was super popular among Sega fans in the 90's. "What's a beat'em up?" You might further inquire? It's a genre of video game where players move from one side of the screen to the other fighting wave after wave of foes--usually street thugs. Think Double Dragon or Final Fight, although Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Simpsons were pretty famous examples of these. Chances are if you were a kid in the 90's, you played one of these in an arcade at some point.

Oh right. Money. Money gave them the idea.

They're not exactly known for their in-depth story lines. Like, the plot of Streets of Rage is that a crime syndicate led by Mr. X--no, really--has taken over and three ex-cops absurdly named Adam Hunter, Axel Stone, and Blaze Fielding must walk slowly to the left for like eight levels. That's it. Now, I was surprised at how much I liked John Wick despite kind of hating that kind of movie, so if anyone can turn that poppycock into a ninety-minute summer movie, Derek Kolstad can, but what even gave Sega's executives the idea that anyone should have to try?

For every Detective Pikachu there's a Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Video game adaptations are more often miss than hit and I'm not sure the success of Sonic necessarily translates into success for anything based on the Sega name alone. Like, with Marvel movies, the logic was if people liked Ironman, maybe they'll like Thor, and yeah, sure, we did. But there's a long walk from funny CG hedgehog to gritty crime movie about three martial artists with porn names beating up goons. 

Admittedly Sonic wasn't exactly Hamlet, but are
we ready for an hour and a half of this?