What do they want, a jammy dodger?

Yes, I saw this, and I love that this is the
story this morning instead of his bullshit.

I'm just taking a little break from rage-blogging about the shitshow that is politics right now. It's not that I'm disengaged, it's just that I think dwelling on it constantly and working myself up into a-huh? Oh, I know you didn't ask, I'm just offering an unsolicited explanation for why I've been talking less about the election and the technical winner of the 2016 electoral college vote and more about nonsense like video games and sci-fi. Speaking of, did you see Doctor Who this week?

Incidentally, the episode had a terrifying
environmental message and we're all
all pretty screwed. So there's that...

If not, bail out now and go get caught up, because I'm going to talk about how the episode ended. Back? I mean I don't have all day...great. Did you think they were going to kill off the astronaut? And yes, I'll explain for those who didn't watch it and are just lying about it. Two of the guest characters in the episode were these these two men, an astronaut and a cop, who were married. The astronaut caught some alien plastic virus that first turns you into a crusty-gross nightmare and then causes you to explode.

Above: Season 12, episode 6's queer
couple seen here, surprisingly not dying.

The astronaut caught it and I was certain he was doomed. Right up until he wasn't. Then the Doctor cures him of exploding plastic-itus or whatever and that's super but then his husband the cop is put into a position wherein he must heroically sacrifice himself to save the Earth and he was definitely going to die. Until he's rescued at the last minute. On the one hand the episode created suspense in a way that the show doesn't often do.

But on the other hand, what do they want, a cookie? Or in the case of Doctor Who, a jammy dodger? What's that? Why it's the British term for those kind of bland crumbly cookies with jam inside. You usually see them out on the table as the last cookie because nobody wants them. Ever. Don't even try.

Above: Some Jammy Dodgers taking up space
that could-nay should be used for other, better cookies.

Holy shit writers of
the show, for real?

But back to Doctor Who's unfortunate love affair with gay-burying. For some background, recent seasons of Doctor Who have been pretty good with representation lately, casting regular and one-off characters of different races, ages and sexuality. They even gave the Twelfth Doctor a companion called Bill Potts. Who is gay! And then they gave her a love interest, whom they promptly killed off. And then later they killed off Bill. They actually turned her into a energy being or something, but same difference.

"To be clear we hate all humans
regardless of sex, race or orientation."

-Some Dalek

The eleventh season-you know, the one with Jodie Whitaker as the Thirteenth (and first female) Doctor, introduced a lesbian couple in episode 4 only to have them murdered by mutated giant spiders. And then in the New Years special, a gay security guard who appears onscreen, tells us about his boyfriend and then is killed by a Dalek. This pattern of-what? Don't look at me like that. I used the Doctor Who Wiki. I don't like, commit these things to memory. Anyway, why does this show hate queer people so much?

Well, I don't think they do. And as shitty as those examples seem, it is a surprisingly violent show to begin with. And there are other non-murdered queer characters throughout the series, so I think I have a bit of a recency bias here, but whatever. I don't think I was off base for assuming a certain bury-your-gays trend. Glad they didn't, and I hope this is the writers making up for it, but still, no jammy dodgers for them yet.

Or maybe yes they get Jammy Dodgers, but I mean, they are the worst cookies.

Napoleon Complexes

Have you ever dreamed of staying in a hotel themed around the most popular video game console of 1979? No, of course you haven't, which makes this move by the company calling itself (but isn't) Atari, and the almost certainly a scam GSD Group, so baffling.

Do you have vague memories of Atari? Great. Wanna stay in a hotel
about it? No? Yeah, me neither. It's weird that this is a thing, right? 

Pictured: Jaguar fighting game
Kasumi Ninja, seen here, sucking.

Ok, some background first. You might remember Atari as a video game company from the 70's whose hubris and stubborn refusal to adapt to the realities of the industry led them to ruin. Twice. The first time by pining all their hopes on a rushed and famously terrible game based on E.T. It was so poorly received that Atari buried the unsold and returned copies in a New Mexico desert. The second time was with the release of the Atari Jaguar console which was objectively terrible, yet shockingly never ended up buried in the desert.

Anyway, it's more likely that you remember them as that logo on t-shirts sold at Hot Topic in the early 00's.The name has been passed around a dozen times since its heyday and Atari is more of a brand than video game company.

It's the Weekend at Bernie's of brands.

"Whoa, I'd better pre-order
one before they sell out."

                                       -no one, ever

In fairness, the company currently wearing the Atari skin-suit did announce a new game console back in 2017. Called the VCS, after the original name for the 2600, this new console will play both classic Atari games, more recent games and will also feature streaming capabilities and a web browser-exactly like every electronic device in your home including whatever you're reading this on. And it costs between two and three hundred dollars, which is how much the current generation of actual game consoles cost. But hey, it's got wood paneling!

Pictured: tech industry people innovating
 and strategizing. Which they assure us
is totally a real job you guys. 100%.

So while exactly zero people from the original company have anything to do with the Atari of 2020, the aforementioned hubris definitely tracks. But what the hell then, is GSD? The group, according to founder Shelly Murphy's Linkedin page "is a leading innovation and strategy group with experience in finance, education, entertainment and creating innovative verticals with legacy brands." So bullshit artists. Wait, no, "artist" suggests creativity. Vultures. They're bullshit vultures.

Napoleon Smith III seen here leaning
on an antique car that definitely goes
"aaooga" when you honk the horn.

Anyway, Murphy and her partner, the extravagantly named producer of the Michael Bay Ninja Turtle movies (really) Napoleon Smith III, worked out a deal with NotAtari to use the game publisher's name on a chain of theme hotels. You know, so they can create some innovative verticals with a legacy brand? In Napoleon's own corporate gibberish words:

"When creating this brand-new hotel concept, we knew that Atari would be the perfect way to give guests the 'nostalgic and retro meets modern' look and feel we were going for. Let's face it, how cool will it be to stay inside an Atari?!"

-Napoleon Smith III, following a
question mark with an exclamation
point-which should be illegal

Pictured: exactly how cool
it is inside an Atari. 

It would not be cool. Not at all. Now admittedly I have a bit of a prejudice towards Atari-era video games owning to their primitiveness and general terribleness, but some people still wax nostalgic for the days of incomprehensible graphics and the shrill screech of what passed for sound effects in the age of disco. Convinced that this synergistic leveraging of brand association (ugh...) will be a hit, they're starting with a hotel in Phoenix, with plans to expand to cities like San Francisco, San Jose and Las Vegas among others.

It's the same insulting logic that suggests
that gamers require gamer-themed soda
 instead of whatever normal humans drink.

Here's some of their questionable reasoning from the Atarihotels website:

"More than 2.5 billion gamers across the world spend more than $152.1 billion (US) on games in 2019 alone; an increase of +9.6% year on year. One of the most distinctive trends in gaming is gamers gravitating toward recognizable intellectual property."

-Atari Hotels laying out thier

specious business plan

Do gamblers stay in hotels with-
oh, right...ok, bad example.

Lots of people buy video games, and they often stick with series they're familiar with. That's all true, but does any of that translate into reasons to stay in a hotel? In Phoenix? Like, I myself am a video game fan, but never have I found myself staying in a hotel and wishing it were more thematically linked to my favorite pass time. Is this a thing people experience? Do say, woodworking enthusiasts go to a Holiday Inn and long for en suite lathe or a complimentary mitre saw on the pillow?

There's not enough Lysol in the world.

According to the announcement, Atari hotels will have usual hotel trappings like meeting rooms, gyms and restaurants as well as in-room entertainment like VR and AR devices in the rooms which-look, I don't like touching the TV remote in a hotel room much less slapping some communal VR gear to my face, but cool, to each their own. And they'd also like to be a venue for esports-which is weird given that it's a sport famously dominated by people way too young to remember Atari.

Look, I'm not a business analyst, but I don't think I'm being a naysayer for naysaying's sake when I predict that this whole thing is doomed. Doomed. I wish Shelly Murphy and Napoleon Smith III all the luck in the world as they innovate their vertical legacies or whatever, but I am gob smacked-like, smacked right in the gob-by how they came to the conclusion that there's enough lingering fondness for Atari to justify a whole chain of hotels.

Finally, you can actually spend the night
 inside a cynical exploitation of your nostalgia!

-Atarihotels' actual slogan*

*no it's not.

Has Star Trek taught them nothing?

I'd like to take this moment to denounce the nonsense that is Space Force's new/not at all new logo. You've probably seen it, the one that looks suspiciously like it was shamelessly copied from the Starfleet emblem from Star Trek?

Suspicious in the sense of blindingly obvious.

Or we could have universal healthcare
like the rest of the developed world...

Anyway, on behalf of Star Trek fans everywhere, I call bullshit. Bullshit. Not on Space Force as a thing but rather on-wait, why is it a thing? I mean, don't we already have the Air Force for that? Not to mention a cripplingly high military budget? So why are we adding a sixth branch to the armed forces? And before you accuse me of limp-wristed liberal hippy-ism, may I remind you that people with injuries and illnesses are turning to GoFundMe campaigns to live? Sorry, was that too dark? Well it's real, so here we are.

I know, I know, settle down there Bernie. Back to Space Force. According to my extensive research of Wikipedia, the organization's duties are 1: To protect the interests of the United States in space, 2: Deter aggression in, from and to space and 3: To conduct space operations. Which, first of all, as anyone at the chronically underfunded NASA will tell you, America is famously disinterested in space.

"We already landed and then played golf on the moon, what else is there to do?"

-America

"Worked for me..."

-basically the President

Secondly it seems like the-wait aggression from space? Like, aliens? Aliens from space? Look, I say this with the utmost support for our uh...Space Troops? But if aggressive aliens ever showed up with an invasion force we will are screwed. Screwed. They have warp drive and probably cloaking devices and phasers or whatever and there is nothing Space Force has or will have that will scratch the paint on their warships much less deter their alien aggression. In fact, they wouldn't even need phasers, they could just use our social media to turn us on each other.

Uh...most of the time...

If the administration had seen a single episode of Star Trek-and clearly someone there has-but you'd think they'd have seen how this is the least appropriate symbol they could have chosen for a space military. Not just because it's a trademark violation, but because Starfleet's all about seeking out strange new worlds and new civilizations. And while it occasionally has to protect the Federation from Borg or Romulans or whatever, it is expressly not a military organization but instead one dedicated to peaceful exploration.

I guess what I'm saying is that the President's vanity project of founding a new branch of the military is off to a great start. It's not even a year old but it's already adopted not only a highly recognizable and trademarked symbol, but one that represents a moneyless utopia that regards aggression, xenophobia and capitalism as barbarous and backwards. So the opposite of everything the administration stands for.

Incidentally, you might be tempted to draw a comparison between the
Ferengi and the President. And while it's true that both are greedy, hyper capitalist
misogynists, bear in mind that the Ferengi are actually good at business.

The rose-tinted VISOR of nostalgia!

Well yes, obviously we're going to talk about Star Trek: Picard. You couldn't possibly think I wasn't going to talk about it.

Oh don't look so shocked.

What's the internet for if not discussing
Star Trek. Huh? Well, sure, porn...

Was it any good? Yes. Will you like it? I don't know if I know how to answer that. Will I ever stop pretending that you're asking questions so that I have something to blog about? Probably not. It's an easy way for me to lead in to a subject, and really I'm nothing if not a lazy writer. Anyway, what were we talking about? Right. Star Trek. Probably a safe bet with me. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not really going to spoil anything important, I'm just musing about what I thought of the episode.

Pictured: Bruce Maddox, winner of the
Arnold J. Rimmer award for excellence
 in the field of resting douche face.

So, my musings. I liked the episode firstly because I'm a huge Star Trek fan and TNG was the one I grew up with and all they had to do to win me over was give me more Picard. Hey look, there's Picard on his vineyard from season four. And did they just name drop Dr. Maddox, the scientist who wanted to dismantle Data in season two's The Measure of a Man? They did! And look, Romulans! And Ten Forward! And holy shit is that the Captain Picard Day banner the kids on the Enterprise made in Chain of Command pt. 1! -it's full of Star Trek references is what I'm saying. Just full of'em.

But wait, am I like a totally hypocrite here? There I go again, asking questions just so I can answer them. But yes, yes I am a hypocrite. One of my criticisms of The Rise of Skywalker was how precious it was about Star Wars. The cameos, the call backs the fact that Rey had to take Luke's old X-Wing to re-kill Emperor Palatine using Luke's old lightsaber with a little help from Lando, Chewie and Wedge.

Sorry to trot out the ol' Trek vs. Wars thing...but hey, since
we're here: phaser, set to wide-beam-end of discussion.

VISOR? See what I did there? Even
my analogies are full of references. 

Yes, Picard is wall to wall fan service. In fact, the titular Picard actually goes to an archive full of props from the old show. Like, he needed to go to the archive to get information he needed to drive the story forward, it wasn't to insert a bunch of references...ok, it wasn't just to insert-look, I might just be wearing the rose-tinted VISOR of nostalgia when it comes to this kind of thing but it felt earned instead of indulgent. The show wasn't about rehashing old storylines, it just happened to contain incidental rehash.

What did you think I meant?

I loved the hash. I'm here for the hash. And I-just to be clear, when I say hash, I'm referring to references to earlier entires in Trek canon and not, you know, some other meaning of hash. But what I'm saying is that I don't think there's anything wrong with building on top of existing story elements. It's a sequel, and by definition based on some kind of source material. I think the problem comes when it becomes all about that source material and I think that's something Picard-at least in episode one-is doing right. But enough about hash and nerd references.

Shaka, when the falls fell: verb.

1. to fail utterly

2. a colossal fuckup

Let's go back to the original question you didn't really ask in the first place, but I pretended you did. Lazy writing, remember? So, will you like Star Trek: Picard? I think so. They would have had to seriously Shaka'd when the walls fell for me not have enjoyed this, and in fact, I think I can't really be objective here. But my sense is that even a casual fan would dig it. You don't need to be familiar with fifty years of Star Trek lore to enjoy it although it helps to have at least a passing familiarity with it.

Don't get me wrong, I like Disco. A lot,
but for real: hold the goddamn camera still.

The cast-at least those introduced so far, are great. The writing still feels Star Trek-y but a bit more natural than it did back on TNG or DS9, and it's light on technobabble. That's probably a good thing, especially for newcomers. Oh, and the pacing is less frenetic than say, Discovery where it sometimes feels like you can't take a breath. That might be down more to personal preference than anything else, but as an old, I appreciate it.

Anyway, it's true I don't like to review things on my blog, and I'm not. Like, I'm not telling you to go watch Picard. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. Think of it as a Prime Directive thing. I'm just telling you what I thought of the first episode, what you do with that information is your own business.

"It's like I always say: fuck the Prime Directive."

-Jean-Luc Picard, off-roading 

on a pre-warp planet

Today in walking right into it:

Walking right into what? You ask. Why the crosshairs of internet ire, of course. What with Mega Man the movie and the recent announcement that it's going to be written by Mattson Tomlin, the screenwriter for the Batman reboot imaginatively titled The Batman. 

Pictured: The Mattson Tomlin, seen here realizing what his life will
be like now that he's now writing two things with fans that have opinions.

This guy has a fan in his chest and so
is vulnerable to leaves. Obviously.

The news is surprisi-wait, you don't suppose they'll call it The Mega Man do you? Usually this is the part where I pretend you don't even know what it is I'm on about and explain. And this time is no different. What's a Mega Man? I pretend you ask. Here, allow me: I reply. So Mega Man, for the uninitiated is a long-running-and I mean, very long running. Like thirty years. They're action/platform games but the key gameplay gimmick is that you can steal the level boss' powers to use against the next boss. It's sort of a rock-paper-scissor thing. Ice Man's weapon defeats Fire Man, Needle Man's defeats Snake Man, and so on. What? Snakes hate needles. Fact.

I'm not saying the internet rage was
misplaced, I'm just saying it happened,
and now Sonic is a cartoon again.

Anyway, look, I like Mega Man and all, and I'm sure Mattson Tomlin is a great screenwriter, but still, is this a good idea? Video game movies are, traditionally, terrible. And even more unnerving is the fact that the last time anyone was talking about a Mega Man movie, it was going to be live action. Is that still the case? Because I'm just not sure the world is ready for photo realistic takes on video game characters. Remember that time realistic Sonic was instantly murdered by internet-based nerd rage? And all we saw was one trailer. One.

And when did playing the Joker
become everybody's Hamlet?

And is this going to be a serious take on Mega Man? I mean, Tomlin doesn't have a ton of credits yet but he is co-writing The Batman. And I have no idea if it's another grounded grim dark interpretation á la the Christopher Nolan films, but given that series success and the fact Joaquin Phoenix is being nominated for all awards ever for playing the Joker as a grounded grim dark serial killer/clown, I'd say the likelihood is high. So is Tomlin is working on a gritty and grounded version of Mega Man?

The mind reels. Whatever the approach, the movie is almost certainly going to attract the attention of Mega Man fans and I just hope Mattson Tomlin is ready for the inevitable criticism that comes with adapting something that has a fan base. After all, the story of a scientist who builds a robot son to battle some other scientist and his evil, yet adorable robots is a tale that must be-oh, and sometimes the robots play soccer together. Is that going to be in the movie?

Because if it's not, I'm starting an internet petition.

Finally, a job I'm qualified for...

That scene where they ride horses on a
Star Destroyer? Actually I kind of liked that.
Just when you think you've got me sussed...

I...I uh, want to apologize in advance for this one. Partly because I'm about to rag on The Rise of Skywalker again even though I said I wouldn't and partly because the thing I'm about to bring up is dumb. Even by nit-picky nerd standards. I'll understand if you want to-huh? No, it's not about the exposition Hobbit again. Anyway, I'll understand if you want to bail out on-what's that? No, it's not about Ochi of Bestoon's Sith hood ornament although, c'mon, Sith hood ornament? Anyway, it's about Palpatine's skylight. See? Dumb.

Dang, you got me...

Like I was saying, if you want to bail, now's probably the time. No one will think less of you. In fact, they might think more. Still there? Super. So I think a reasonable question here is what's my beef with Palpatine's skylight and why do I even care about it? Well, the answer is I don't. Care that is. Not really. I'm an adult with a job and responsibilities. Sure, sometimes I like a good deep dive into plot holes and inconsistancies, but I'm not loosing sleep over it. And if we're being honest here, half the time I'm just writing about things like this to pad out my nerd blog.

Speaking of padding, the movie opens with Kylo Ren finding his way to Palpatine's planet where he walks under this hovering trapezoidal thing and on to a floating platform elevator that he rides down into the temple proper past looming statues of ancient Sith lords or whatever. Anyway, the operative word here is down, establishing that the room we see Palpatine and his henchmonkies in is underground.

Pictured: The Sith Temple. I think. A lot of this
 movie was blue and kind of hard to see.

This elevator gets more screen
time than Kelly Marie Tran.

Later, Rey goes down there as well to confront Palpatine about the preposterous retcon that is the big twist in the movie and Kylo follows shortly there after. We watch as both characters again take this elevator down into thrown room/amphitheater where Palpatine is hanging out, surrounded by thousands of-I don't know, robed Sith fans? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that Palpatine steals Rey and Kylo's wonder twin powers which restore his incredibly shitty age make-up and grows his fingers back.

You heard me. Newly fingered.

Newly fingered and shriveled, Palpatine then opens up the skylight so he can force-lightning the rebel fleet from the comfort of the Iron Throne. Not enough to wipe them out, just enough to drag out the scene and build dramatic tension. But again, that's not important. What I want to know is how does that skylight open to the sky and not say, to the underside of the trapezoid? Or, better yet, more rock? Because they are like, way underground.

How I ask you? And, again, I don't care, but the movie doesn't either and that's a problem. Don't they have someone to point these things out? Someone to catch plot holes and inconsistencies before the film comes out and jerks on the internet tear it apart? Because if they don't, I'd be happy to offer my services. At a reasonable, yet extravagant salary of course. I mean, c'mon, they've got Disney money now.

Plot holes and inconsistencies like how come the plan Palpatine came up with
after he died was better than anything he came up with while alive? That was a freebie.

Theme parks have trailers now?

"Remember, this wand chose you...just
like it chose all the other three hundred kids
today. Go on, give it a swish or whatever."

-Some wand seller

Look, I'm not a theme park person. I just...it seems like walking around in a Truman Show based on Star Wars or Harry Potter or whatever-and I can't stand this word- franchise, seems kind of commercial. Overpriced food, screaming children whose parents treat the staff like unpaid babysitters and costumed actors who probably wish they were, you know, acting and not posing for selfies with fans. It all kind of sounds like where terrible people go when they die. I'm not yum yucking, at least I'm not trying to, but yuck. It don't know, i's just not for me and that's fine.

"Hey! I'm right here..."

-Thwomp

But there's one opening later this year in Japan that almost comes close to being in range of the possibly of maybe being something I wouldn't flat out refuse immediately if someone absolutely forced me to go. It's based on Super Mario Bros. and is part of Universal Studios in Osaka. It's the result of two corporations leveraging and synergizing  their IP's. Or in layman's terms, business sex. Anyway, I'm not going to it. It's just that I could see myself being talked into it even though I have no delusions about it it being little more than a cynical cash grab. Does that make me a big hypocrite? Sure, but look, I grew up with video games and they're going to have live action Mario Kart and c'mon, I mean, I'm not made of stone, ok?

Pictured: an office worker leaping over
a railing and into a magic pipe only she
can see...holy shit, this just got dark.

That said, did you see the trailer for this place? Yeah, amusement parks have trailers now. Everything has trailers now. It's a bleak world in which we live. Anyway, it starts out kind of obvious, regular people from all over the globe are sitting around in public playing on their handhelds instead of, you know, talking and storming healthy human relationships when suddenly green warp pipes from the Mario games start to crop up all over the place. And in typical commercial logic, everyone just dives in instead of assuming, as you or I would, that they're having a psychotic episode.

"Sure, climb in kids! It's probably safe."

-Some terrible parents

Like, say you're a parent and enjoying some quality quiet time while your kids stare at a video game for a few hours. Sounds harsh, but at least it shuts them up for a while, right? But then out of nowhere a gigantic pipe materializes in the middle of your living room. Now, is your first instinct to let the kids explore what's down there? When I see pipes, I think sewage, not adventure. A wise parent gather up the kids, put them in the car and call the city to send someone to come take a look at it.

Ok, but this is an advertisement, so the warp pipes just Malcovich them out in Nintendo World and family fun ensues. But the one person I'd really like to have a chat with is the astronaut who's playing his goddamn Switch on the space station.

Where...where is he going? Doesn't someone
have to keep this thing in orbit? I mean, is he
 the one in charge of the air? We don't know!

"Hey, is that flaming debris re-
entering the atmosphere?"

This astronaut has been to space. Space! Yet somehow the magic of Nintendo's IP's have coaxed him away from the peerless experience of seeing the entire planet from the Himalayas to the coast of South America all at once and down to Earth for some rides and, one assumes ice cream shaped like Mario's face. He just hops down a magic pipe and back into the surly bonds faster than you can say "dereliction of duty," that's how amazing this place must be, right? Well that's hard to say. Most of the trailer is CG.

Unless Nintendo has perfected holograms or Westworld-style androids, I suspect that what we're seeing here is an "interpretation" of the kind of experience fans can expect. Which is probably for the best given that so much of the game involves smashing bricks with your hands and stomping on living creatures and surely that's not going to make it into a park aimed at family entertainm-oh...oh, no...

Pictured: park guests slaughtering the defenseless Goombas which, yikes.