Wow, he definetly earned this chairmanship.

Not content with destroying healthcare, the separation of church and state, our international standing, and the Notre Dame reopening ceremony, the President has now decided ruin the arts. Which is weird, because, I mean, shouldn't he be letting Elon ruin it for him?

Pictured: The new chairman of the board of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts,
seen here shaving WWE CEO Vince McMahon's head. Incidentally, Federal Prosecutors have
just dropped their investigation into the sexual misconduct charges against McMahon.*

Look out! I think she's loaded!

So why the sudden interest in the arts? Apparently the Center had been doing drag shows that targeted young people. Which, ok, couple of things. Firstly, no they weren't. Secondly, how do you target a drag show at young people? What does that even mean? Thirdly, no they weren't. It's nonsense, just utter nonsense. Poppycock, even. Anyway, so Trump had a dream or something that the Kennedy Center was doing drag at children, so he decided to take the only reasonable course of action: ousted the chairman.

I also read he plans to give himself
a retroactive Oscar for his performance.

Yeah, so the Kennedy Center obviously already had a chairman of the board. Specifically David Rubenstein who, along with the rest of the board were fired when noted patron of the arts Donald "Home Alone 2 Cameo" Trump fired them and replaced them with a bunch of MAGA sycophants--who then, in turn, elected him the chairman. Or something, look, I don't know how boards work, but it's enough to know that there're are bound to be some changes.

Pictured: the Kennedy Center, seen
here radiating woke gay rays upon
an unsuspecting populace.

Presumably. Donald himself has never actually been to the Kennedy Center, but he's pretty sure that it was like, super gay, and has promised that it will be "not woke." Which is a term he can define, and not a word conservatives have adopted as a byword for that frightens and angers. Sorry, did I say byword? I meant hetero-word. Speaking of, can he even do this? Now-former president of the now-formerly prestigious institution isn't even sure. According to Deborah Rutter, the bylaws--heterolaws--are unclear. 

But I mean, vast swathes of the President's actions these past few weeks have been legal but that has phased him not at all, nor has it stopped the quivering pile of compliance and acquiescence that is the current GOP. So what now? Artists have already begun pulling out, so I suspect they'll soon be down to Rob Schneider and newly minted board member Lee "God Bless the U.S.A." Greenwood.

Pictured: so it's just this from here on out, isn't it?
Is it me, or does this picture look like a Slim Jim tastes?

*probably because he's like super-innocent, and not because his buddy and fellow sexual misconduct enthusiast is the President again.  

What if the kid's on to something?

"Aaaand cut. Ok everyone, that's a wrap
and remember, take this to your graves."

-Some director

Ok, so, to be clear, I'm not one for conspiracy theories. Like, I can't believe and don't believe that 9/11 was an inside job or that the moon landing was a hoax because I don't believe that the number of people required to pull either of these off would, over time, keep quite about it. Someone will inevitably break. For fame, or for a guilty conscious, or whatever. If there's a conspiracy of more than one person, someone will spill. It's a law of nature. But conspiracy theories are all the rage now, so I thought I'd offer one of my own. And to be clear, I don't subscribe to this, I'm just putting it out there for entertainment value only. So don't like, send in the goons or whatever.

Aww...isn't it cute? He's playing 
unelected strongman. Just like daddy!

The other day, there was a hot mic moment in which the First Buddy was delivering a press conference from the Oval Office because that's what the kind of nation we are now. In it, the...I don't know, First Toddler? Can be heard telling the President that he's not the President and needs to go away. Which, preach. Oh, and all that he needs to, and I quote, "I want you too shush your mouth." Ok, I had to clean that up a bit. Can you believe the mouth on kids these days?

Pictured: Musk offering advice
to the President earlier today.

So the question is where does he get ideas like this? It would suggest that this is how Elon talks either to or about the President. That the comment about the President not being the real President and needing to go away is drawn from Musk playing big man and telling his child that he's the real power behind the throne. But here's where I'm going to wildly speculate: what if he's talking about the election and Trump really isn't the really real President?

Remember that weird comment Trump made back in January when he was still campaigning for some reason? When he said:

Did anyone, you know look into this?
Like, because of the voter fraud he's
evidently admitting to in front of everyone?

"He journeyed to Pennsylvania, where he spent a month and a half campaigning for me in Pennsylvania, and he's a popular guy. He was very effective. And he knows computers better than anybody. All those computers. Those vote-counting computers. And we ended up winning Pennsylvania by a landslide. So it was pretty good, pretty good. So thank you Elon."

-Noted chaos agent Donald Trump

suggesting that he stole the election

"Yeah, we're...we're pretty corrupt."

-Two-thirds of the Court

I mean look, obviously this is me wanting to believe this. Wanting to believe that America didn't really fall for the most obvious Trojan Horse since, uh, the Trojan Horse. Wanting to believe that some whistleblower will step forward with incontrovertible proof that the election was rigged, Harris won, and everything will be right with the world. Of course, this pre-supposes that one: the kid's on to something and two: that the Trump-appointees on the Supreme Court wouldn't just shrug.

Pictured: the guy who named his kid X.

Both of which are unlikely. It's probably just that Elon talks smack to sound big in front of his toddler. But what if it is real and what if my theory about the inevitability of the weak link bears out. What if Donald Trump, in an uncharacteristically noble moment--and in exchange for immunity--puts country ahead of party and self and outs the conspiracy. Yes, unlikely bordering on impossible, but understand that I personally would be happy to let him walk away scot-free if he would just, you know, walk away. 

Seriously. I would trade any comeuppance or justice or whatever for him in exchange for never having to see his smirking face again…oh, and for democracy and a healthy prison sentence for the guy who bought the election for him. Allegedly. And again, I don't believe in conspiracy theories. This is just a conspiracy supposition? Hypothesis?

Once more, let me just reiterate that I think lighting-wielding
space-wizards are more likely to than the scenario outlined
above and way more likely than a DJT hero turn.

No one ever called them Freedom Fries.

You suck, Google! He exclaims, typing on a Google blog. But I mean for real. I want it known that I have taken time out of my life to tell them so:

Pictured: me screaming into the void.

Persian Gulf? Hmmm...three stars?
I guess it's now the front runner.

I have never before left a review of an entire Gulf, but here we are and in a sense I didn't leave the review in the first place. That is, when I searched later in the day for one star reviews, I didn't see mine. It's like, it never even happened. Tears in the rain. Maybe I did something wrong when searching, or maybe Google just doesn't show posts newer than a month ago because they don't like people pointing out their pandering? Toadying? I don't know what the precise phrase is, but--oh! Shameful capitulation! They don't like people pointing out their shameful capitulation.  

I also gave feedback on the Google search result that has the President's dumb re-name coming up rather than the actual name of the gulf that's been used since the Age of Sail, but I mean, I know it's not going to change anything. 

"One of our users has expressed disappointment in our move to appease
our nation's many racists. What are we going to do? He even blogged about it!"

-Google's...I don't know, board?

Interestingly enough, Presidents Day
is still on the Google's calendar...

Cynical? Yes, I've defiantly become more so. But did you see that the company has removed Pride Month, Black History Month, Indigenous People Month, Jewish Heritage Month, and Holocaust Remembrance Day. Back in mid 2024...ok, so it's not part of the Trumpy revisionist nonsense that's happening now, but it is a disturbing trajectory. The company insists that it's scaling back becuase the number of observances has become unwieldy, but I mean, do you notice any commonalities between the observances on the list?

You know, the genocide guy?

If you said that they all seem to be holidays and observances that call attention to marginalized people, you'd be correct. Did Google also purge other holidays? Ice Cream Day? Talk Like a Pirate Day? No idea. That's a just degree of research you don't pay me enough to do. But I can open my Google calendar and look: Ok, so Juneteenth is still standing, but I suspect that's just because the average MAGA goon doesn't know it's a thing yet. Also intact are Tax Day, Flag Day, and Columbus Day. Yeah, goddamn Columbus Day made the cut.

You know what else did? Black Friday. Which, last I checked, isn't a holiday but rather something businesses made up for marketing purposes. Yes, someone or some someones sat down and made the call: Black Friday is in, Holocaust Remembrance Day is out.

Black Friday, our highest of holy days when Americans, still reeling from
ourThanksgiving gluttony, dutifully march down to Walmart and Target
to get into fist fights over Harry Potter Lego Sets and flatscreens.

Really, entirely, outstandingly sick of this.

I left a voicemail this morning for Representative Mary Miller and you can too. Call (202) 225-5271. Huh? What about? I'm glad I pretended you asked.

Just wait until she comes in on Monday and sees that blinking red light.

Trans women=women. The math
on this really isn't that hard.

On Thursday, Miller, a representative from Illinois and--you guessed it, a Republican--referred to recently elected congresswoman Sarah McBride as "...the gentleman from Delaware, Mr. McBride." Hang on, what' wrong with that? Welp, McBride is a trans woman, the first out trans woman elected to congress, so the proper mode of address would be "...the gentlewoman from Delaware, Ms. McBride." But why would Representative Miller refer to Representative McBride as--oh.

Representative Miller, seen here not
being affected by trans people at all.

Yeah, because Miller is being a shitty, petty, aggressively rude jerk face. She is of the opinion that McBride and all other trans people for that matter are, I don't know, faking it? Her opinion is objectively incorrect, and it shouldn't be on us to explain why, I mean, she could like, look it up. She'd then see that the American Medical Association recognizes that gender is a social construct and isn't the same thing as sex. She could also look up the data on how many sexual predators are straight cis men. She could even just accept the fact that trans people existing doesn't affect her life at all. But instead she chooses to join the alarmingly vocal ranks of trolls scapegoating perhaps the most vulnerable of Americans. Because something something the economy? Because last I checked nothing the administration has done this far has made groceries any more affordable.

Turns out being a decent human
being isn't like, all that hard. 

McBride, for her part and being made of sterner stuff that I would be, didn't take the bate, but instead laid into the President for his twenty-one day and count assault on democracy, the separation of powers, trans people, immigrants, people of color, good taste, the English language, and generally everything he said over the past decade and a half. She did it without misgendering anyone, calling anyone names (something I'm incapable of doing, see above) or saying anything that isn't true. She's a rockstar. 

And I don't know about you, but I'm so sick of this nonsense. I mean, I've been sick of it for some time, but I've just recently become really, entirely, outstandingly sick of this. And I know Representative Miller is going to get a thousand other messages from people upset by her behavior, and it's not going to phase her, but it felt good to call. Really, try it sometime. That number again is (202) 225-5271. Tell your friends. 

"Hello there, Representative Miller? We just wanted to give you a ring and
let you know that we're really quite fed up with your transphobic horseshit and that
if you don't knock it off, you're going to find yourself out of a job, you MAGA heel."

-America

Today in Capitulating to Mediocrity:

Look, I'm not a sports person and I never was. For me, football was just that thing that ran over and made the local affiliates join Star Trek: The Next Generation already in progress.

"Wait...is that...is that supposed to be Mark Twain? How did this
even happen? I guess I'll just have to wait until someone invents DVD's."

-me, age thirteen

We had a Black President once, so
racism is over forever, right?

But this is 2025, and if there's one take away from the times in which we find ourselves, it's that everybody should feel free to chime in with opinions about how other people should live their lives. In that spirit, I'm going to say that I find it telling that the NFL has decided to remove the "End Racism" signs from the end zones at the Caesars Superdome in Las Vegas; the site of Super Bowl LIX. Oh, and did I mention that noted felon and President Donald Trump is planning to attend? I didn't? Hey, you don't suppose one thing has anything to do with another, do you?

Hmm...maybe we shouldn't have
cut back on staffing, Elon...

Sorry, was I being coy? What I mean to say is that in a further capitulation to the delicate sensibilities of the MAGA folks, the NFL has agreed to change the sign to "Choose Love." A cloying and meaningless expression they're trying to pass off as a message of healing in the wake of the fires in Southern California, and all those planes that keep falling out of the sky. For some reason. And is it me, or is "Choose Love" strikingly similar to the anti-choice "Choose Life" slogan. You know, the one people write on signs before they harass women outside of clinics. 

Guess who these tools voted for?
No, really, go on. Guess.

Back when there were clinics, I mean. Sorry, got a little dark there. Of course, can you blame me? The thing is, "Choose Love" strikes me as a shitty thing to replace "End Racism" with given how not ended racism is. I suppose one could make the case that it's an exhortation to the President in hopes that he'll choose love and back away from spreading fear and misery, but I don't think so. I seriously doubt the American Right understands love.

"Wah! Everything's woke and DEI makes planes
crash and something about imigrants. Waaaah!"

-the American Right

What? Remember when he demanded an apology from the Bishop of DC for having the temerity to ask him to show mercy? Or just yesterday the President took time away from his busy schedule of reigniting the Crusades to ban trans women and girls from female sports. Is there a problem with trans women playing sports with other women? No. But that's what they're loosing their minds about. The fact that this is red meat for his most fervent fans says to me that love has no place in their lives. 

But whatever. I don't care what the end zone at the Super Bowl says, I really don't. I didn't know end zone slogans were a thing until today, and honestly I couldn't name the teams that are playing. I'm just disheartened to see how ok an organization like the NFL is with appeasing a man and a movement dedicated to hatred and division. 

Again, not a football fan so maybe I'm missing
something here, but this is irony, isn't it?

Today in Birthday Schadenfreude:

Well, my birthday wish would be to switch over to the timeline where voter apathy and rabid-foam madness didn't condemn the country to the caprices of a deranged toddler and the wrecking ball of a privileged nepo-baby, but I mean, here we are.

Pictured: The President fewer than half of all Americans voted for, seen here
with a guy literally nobody voted for yet, somehow runs the country now.
Not pictured: anybody doing anything about this.

"It turns out he's really bad at negotiating.
Like, how is he even in business?"

-President Sheinbaum

It seems there's no amount of candles I can blow out that's going to alter the space-time continuum or even help break the hate-driven spell noted felon and winner of the 2024 Grover Cleveland Award for Non-Consecutive Presidential Terms has cast over the rubes of the red states. I can however enjoy some schadenfreude. Like Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum rolling her eyes at Trump demanding the deployment of troops she deployed years ago and then pretending that he outmaneuvered her, or the Premier of BC banning liquor from red states only.

Above: Hillary Clinton giving a concession
speech after getting more votes than Trump.

While this shameless shameful joy is all I have to get by on, it's not really helping. Like, my trans friends are still being systematically erased. Anyone who isn't white is under threat of harassment and possible deportation, and an unelected tech bro and some sycophantic teens are accessing Americans' private data while cutting vital government services through an agency he just made up. Oh, and the Republican party is just sort of shrugging and going yeah, it's illegal, but something something mandate.*

Anyway, I know you know and I'm shrieking to the choir here, but I just wanted to say these things aloud...or type them aloud? Doesn't matter. I'm sure it'll be evidence at my trial someday before the House Un-Elon Activities Committee. 

"Have you no sense of decency...oh...or,
sorry, right. I forgot who I was talking to."

-the ghost of Joseph Welch

*it's not a mandate, it was never a mandate, and they clearly, literally don't know the meaning of the word "mandate."

We all know who the Chunk is.

Pictured: an allegory for 21st century
international relations...evidently.

There's this scene in the Goonies where the kids come across a framed old map among Mikey and Brand's Dad's artifacts. They decide to take it with them, but doing so would involve removing it from the frame. So rather than violate Dad's "don't touch my artifacts edict," Mikey, Sean Astin's character, hands it off to Chunk played by Jeff Cohen. Chunk, whose role in the movie is essentially that of the lovable klutz, immediately drops it, thus giving the other Goonies plausible deniability.

Because American Presidents have 
a great history with forced relocations...

Yesterday, Benjamin Netanyahu met with--and typing this will never get easier--President Trump in the White House. This coming on the cusp of further talks to extend the cease fire that has brought a temporary halt to over a year of brutal warfare the former has been waging on the Palestinian people. After the meeting, the US President held a press conference in which he suggested that the Palestinians in Gaza be relocated. You know, somewhere else. He wasn't terribly clear on that point, and something tells me he doesn't so much care.

The UN of course was quick to point out that forcible transfer or deportation of people is a violation of international law, but you know, he ran a campaign on promises of forcible transfer and deportation of people, so...oh, and also the US would take over the Gaza Strip.

Because foreign intrusion into the region has, historically, worked out so well.

It's a little like seeing OJ Simpson in the
Naked Gun movies...but way, way worse.

Which, ok, to be clear, this is a real-estate developer turned gameshow host turned President turned felon turned, absurdly, President again. Also, he was in Home Alone 2, but that's not really relevant beyond my point that he's not exactly versed in international diplomacy. Or good at business. And did I mention that he's a convicted felon? So in many ways we probably shouldn't be surprised that in the midst of these delicate times he did and said something profoundly dumb and dangerous.

And with all respect to Jeff Cohen and Sean Astin, I can't help but feel that the Israeli leader is, in this analogy Mikey to Trump's Chunk.

Of course, instead of this moment being the inciting incident to an
adventure, it's probably the inciting indecent to a global war.