Time well spent everybody...

A shit-show? Uh...like this, but with shit.

Well that was a shit show. What was a shit show? Why the Peter Strzok hearing Yesterday. He's an FBI agent who was assigned to look into the Hillary Clinton email thing and later the possible collusion between Donald Trump's campaign and Russia, but was kicked off Mueller's investigation when text messages came to light in which he expressed an anti-Trump bias which Republicans in Congress insist proves that this whole thing is just one big witch hunt and remember that time Crooked Hillary did the emails?

Since when do Republicans hold
people accountable for ill-advised
messages sent from a phone?

Strzok says that he never let his personal feelings interfere with work, because you know, professionalism, despite a text exchange between him and a lawyer named Lisa Page. She texted 'Trump's not ever going to become President, right?' to which Strok replied: 'No. No he's not, we'll stop it.' Which admittedly looks pretty bad, so bad that Congressional Republicans spent like ten whole hours today asking him questions about an ongoing investigation which he can't answer. Because you know, ongoing investigations.

According to Strzok, he sent the texts in a fit of anger and disgust towards Trump at the then candidates attack on parents of a U.S. service member killed in Iraq. Trump mocked their grief, saying that he's made sacrifices too. Because he's classy.

Like one time he had pizza with a contestant from The Apprentice, and
she's allergic to olives, so they got olives on half. See? Sacrifices. 

Above: Republicans using Strzok's
texts to discredit Mueller's-wait, holy
shit, is Robert Mueller a psychic?

Also, Strzok said that 'we'll stop it' referred to we, as in Americans, couldn't be so short-sighted and ignorant as to actually elect him. And technically he was right, it was the electoral college that fucked us. But whatever, he, like most Americans, didn't like Trump. And whether or not that's a reason to remove him from the collusion investigation is immaterial since Mueller did so anyway citing what would prove to be pretty valid concerns about Republicans using them to try and discredit the probe which...well, here we are.

So the hearing gets heated, congresspeople throw around a lot of 'point of order' and 'objections.' basically it's that shit show I described earlier. Mostly there's a lot of confusion over the rules of a congressional hearing.

Should we be concerned that a room full of
congresspeople can't agree on how congress works?

"I talked to the other FBI agents, and they all
say you're stupid and they don't like you."

-Gohmert, contributing

 to the conversation

But then Representative Louis Gohmert from Texas brought up Strzok's affair. Yup.

"I've talked to FBI agents around the country. You've embarrassed them. You've embarrassed yourself. And I can't help but wonder when I see you looking there with a little smirk, how many times did you look so innocent into your wife's eye and lie to her about Lisa Page?"

-Rep. Louie Gohmert, shortly before the room 

erupted into a chorus of 'oh no he didn't!'s 

"Point of order! The gentleman from Texas
has invoked the Gingrich rule, which states
that it's only cheating when Democrats do it."

Yes, the same Lisa page. But apart from this having nothing to do with the hearing, and just being an all around dick move, does a member of the House, particularly a Republican member of the House, really want to get on a high horse about marital fidelity? Like, Gohmert insisted that his question goes to Strzok's character, but you kind of have to wonder if he's got the same moral outrage when it comes to Donald Trump and the eleven women who've accused him of sexual assault. But yeah, I mean, let's go all in on character...

Well, investigations into things
Republicans might have done anyway...

Speaking of, why is Gohmert taken at all seriously given that he once accused the Obama administration of being in cahoots with the Muslim Brotherhood. Huh? Weren't we speaking of...oh, well he also once tried to get Robert Mueller's investigation canned saying that he can't be impartial because he was the former head of the FBI, an agency with Investigation right there in the name. You know, maybe Republicans shouldn't be in on the investigation into the investigation since they seem to have a bias against investigations.

Hey, at least they're not throwing punches
like some other legislative bodies I could
name. Taiwan, I'm looking at you...

Just to be clear, today's hearing was an attempt to establish whether or not Peter Strzok had an anti-Trump bias that would make him unfit for the investigation into the Trump campaign's alleged collusion with Russia. An investigation he was already fired from because of the possibility that his texts could suggest an anti-Trump bias. So Congress spent ten hours questioning an FBI agent to see if he's fit for a job he no longer has. Time well spent everybody. Time well spent.

Anyway, this. What's that? Why that's a link to the list of the criminal proceedings initiated by Robert Mueller in his inquiry into those crimes the Trump campaign totally didn't commit because witch hunt...or whatever. 

Well, whatta ya know...

Today in relationship-ending schwag:

Which would be most people.

In many ways, you've got to admire the hutzpah. You heard me, the hutzpah. The unmitigated gall the-huh? Oh, what I'm talking about? Why, asking four hundred dollars of money for a super-duper special edition of Darksiders III. Yeah, that's hundred. With an 'h.' Huh? What's Darksiders? Well, it's a video game series, and not one that warrants a $400 special edition. Mostly you'll have to trust me on that part, but I'll give us the broad strokes for those unfamiliar.

"For the last time, I'm not from Warcraft,
I'm War. From Darksiders? Goddamnit..."

-Some Darksiders fan

Darksiders and Darksiders II were two moderately successful, but kind of forgettable games released by a publisher called THQ. When the company went under back in 2013 it left, I don't know, tens of devoted fans wondering if there would be a Darksiders III. And to be clear I'm not knocking anyone for liking Darksiders. Everyone has their fandom. For some people that fandom just happens to be Darksiders. And that's great, although they probably find themselves having to explain their cosplay at conventions. What I am knocking is the presumptuousness of a $400 edition, which we'll get to in a minute.

Admittedly, corporate acquisitions are
probably somewhat less metal than I'm
 describing. Call it artistic license. 

Anyway, said fans were, I presume, thrilled to hear that THQ Nordic, an Austrian publisher stitched together from the rapidly cooling corpse of the old THQ's intellectual properties and wearing its pelt as a cloak, would be releasing a third game in the series. And to sweeten the deal, this isn't just some IP cash-in as the new game was developed by a team made of members of the original games' development team, presumably taken as captives when THQ Nordic raided the smoking ruins of THQ's fortress. But along with a release date, THQ Nordic has also announced a variety of ways we can give them even more money.

I don't know if it's art but...wait,
no, it's definitely not art.

And this is where things get hutzpah-y. Behold: the special editions, each more expensive and needlessly merchy than the last. You could by just the game, and it will set you back $59.99. But what are you, a chump? I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, you've got to at least go for the collector's edition, right? And for only $149.99. Can you believe it? That one comes with the game, but in a metal box, as well as some DLC, an art book, a sound track and get this: an eleven inch figurine of the game's main character. So I hope you have room for one of these in your house. And that you don't live with anyone.

Speaking of, unless your significant other is a fellow gamer, you might have to choose between them and the $400 'Apocalypse Edition:' the final evolution of pointless gaming schwag and a legitimate relationship ender. You get all the crap from the Collector's Edition, plus three more figurines, a wall hanging advertisement for the game you just overpaid for and an amulet. Yes, an amulet, so like, four hundred bucks well spent.

You'd be an idiot not to blow four-hundred dollars on it
I mean, look at all this shit you get. Did I mention the amulet?

Why yes, there is one other
very likely scenario. See above.

Look, I don't want to yuck your yum if Darksiders is your thing, but yuck. Also, who are you? Like, who is the 'Apocalypse Edition' aimed at? Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I've played Darksiders 1, and it was ok. So I'm having a real hard time imagining anyone getting that into the series that they need four hundred dollars worth of branded Darksiders gear cluttering their home. Like, is there a scenario in which these tchotchkes aren't in a garage sale or up on Craigslist in like two years time?

Or, and maybe I'm just being morbid, but what about decades from now when whatever Darksiders super-fan who shelled out four big ones for this dies. Is some kid going to inherit grandma's complete set of Darksiders III figurines and collectable amulet? Not to get all 'it used to be about the music' here, but has it really come to this?

"Sure, I miss grandma, but what the shit am I supposed to do with these?"

-Some kid, inevitably

Amazon does not deserve a cookie.

Above: one of the many abandoned
husks former known as malls that
dot our pre-dystopian landscape.

Say, are looking for that perfect gift that says: 'I hate you, on a racial level' or 'Despite murdering millions and burning down Europe, Hitler had some good ideas'? Well good news racists, according to a report released on Friday, Amazon is still selling white supremacist music, ebooks and merchandise. Of course, this is bad news for everyone else who probably already feels pretty guilty for contributing to the decline of America's retail economy by shopping online in the first place. Now we can add 'abetting racism' to the list.

Pictured: this adorable onesie is
 perfect for the racist baby in your life.

The report, entitled Delivering Hate, was put together by two non-profit groups, The Partnership for Working Families and The Action Center on Race and the Economy. In it, they found that despite having a policy that prohibits items that ' promote or glorify hatred, violence, racial, sexual or religious intolerance or promotes organizations with such views,' Amazon still sells items that glorify hatred, violence, racial sexual or religious intolerance and totally promotes organizations with such views. So, they've completely and utterly failed to follow the policy they set for themselves. Oh, and did I mention that some of these items are aimed at children? Because some of it them are totally aimed at children.

For some context, and to their (slim) credit Amazon, in its laxly adhered to policy, does rank products that glorify hatred, violence and intolerance up there with-and I'm quoting the policy here: 'crime scene photography, morgue or autopsy photos, human body parts, products retrieved from a disaster or tragedy site.' Which, did...did someone, somewhere try to sell human body parts on goddamn Amazon?

"What's in the box?"

-Some customer just before leaving  

 a very negative customer review

So what, do they want a cookie?

Anyway, the report charges that '[E]ither Amazon does not find the materials...to be offensive or otherwise contrary to its policies, or that it does not consistently enforce its own policies.' And I don't know, I'd tend to believe that this is an example of Amazon being incompetent rather than racist, but still. Early Sunday, after public outcry, Amazon removed a lot of these items, but not all of them. Some of the music and ebooks are still up, so I guess they're cool with a little racism?

'The Internet: why let reason, logic or
 basic human decency stand in your way.'

-The Internet's actual slogan

Now because the internet is a thing, and any idiot with access to it can and will say any old idiot thing that comes to their idiot mind (yes, I see the irony), said idiots are bound to accuse Amazon of impinging on their freedom of speech or whatever. Which they're not. They're a business and can refuse to sell whatever they want. In fact, this wasn't them cracking down on something or taking a moral stand, it was just them getting caught being irresponsible and lazy when it comes to their own policies. Although this does kind of the question of why didn't they crack down or take a moral stand?

Like, in 2017 made $117 billion dollars. One hundred and seventeen. Billion. Of money. And Jeff Bezos personally made $31 billion last year. Leaving aside the fact that no one should be allowed to have that much money and that Amazon criminally underpays its warehouse workers, how can they not be paying-sorry, criminally underpaying- someone to de-Nazi their site? Oh shit, is it just cheaper to wait for public outcry to point them out to them?

"Ahhhh! You got me! Jeff 'Path of Least Resistance' Bezos, that's what they call me!"

-Jeff Bezos, blissfully unaware that

 someday, inevitably, an angry mob of

peasants will come knocking at his door.

Wait, all we had to do was ask?

"Technically, yes, alleged, but I mean,
c'mon, this is me we're talking about."

-Scott Pruitt, allegedly 

I'm sorry, all it takes is for someone to resign is ask? Holy shit, really? Because if that's all we need would someone please ask Donald Trump to resign? And Mike Pence? Oh and Mitch McConnell and you know what? I'm make a list, but I'll need some time. Can you get back to me on that one? Huh? What am I blathering on about? Did you see that Scott Pruitt, the embattled head of the EPA who-wait, embattled isn't the right word. Let's say corrupt and scandal-ridden, now former head of the EPA. Wait, should I say allegedly corrupt?

Whatever, he resigned and yes, it's going to be another one of those posts, and yes, I'm as sick of the political things as you are, but, well, here we are. Next time we'll talk about Star Trek or something. Promise. Anyway, like I was saying, Scott Pruitt quit today. A fact we learned through the official channel of Donald Trump thumbing out a tweet.

Wait, but wasn't he terrible at his job? And didn't he resign under a
cloud of scandal and accusations of malfeasance and-oh never mind...

Absurd? Perhaps, but you've got to
admit, this would explain a few things.

According to Pruitt's resignation letter, he's stepping down because of "...the unrelenting attacks on me personally, my family are unprecedented and have taken a sizable toll on all of us" and not because D.C. area teacher Kristen Mink asked him to, but I don't know, she said 'please resign' and blamo, three days letter a resignation letter is on Donald Trump's desk. Maybe she was the final straw, maybe Pruitt looked into Mink's kid's eyes and felt some reptilian analogue to what humans would call shame. 

We may never know. But either way, I think we should just go ahead and give Kristen Mink the credit. She may have just proven that calling these people out on their shit is an effective protest tactic. Or at the very least she got to ruin his lunch.

Pictured: one of the unrelenting and unprecedented attacks on Scott Pruitt.

Just kidding. He's rich, well-connected
and white. Prison's not even on the table.

Look, I know that he is innocent until proven guilty but holy shit, just this morning he became the subject of a another investigation into his shady doings, this one for possibly violating Federal Law for destroying records. Throwing that onto the pile of investigations makes nineteen. Nineteen! Like, statistically at least three or four of these are going to pan out, right? He could spend the rest of his life in prison assuming he doesn't have powerful friends in a position to...goddamnit.

I think most of us took the 2016 election
as evidence against the existence of a
benevolent God, but to each their own.

Perhaps most galling, and I say this as a not terribly religious person, is the last part of his resignation letter where he explains that he believes that Donald Trump, former host of The Apprentice and the guy from the Billy Bush tape who bragged about sexually assaulting women, was chosen by God to be President. Really, lookit:

"I believe that you are serving as President today because of God's providence. I believe that the same providence brought me into your service."

-Scott Pruitt, noted sleeze, and
instrument of the divine plan

Oh shit, suddenly his terrible
performance as head of the EPA
makes a lot more sense.

So God chose Donald Trump and then went on to choose Scott to head the EPA. Cool, but that's crazy, right? Like, I'm not suggesting that he's crazy for believing in God or whatever, but isn't telling everyone that you're chosen by the almighty to perform some task here on Earth usually the kind of thing someone says before climbing up a clock tower with a high-powered rifle on their back? Or at least like the kind of person who doesn't give a shit about the environment since the Rapture could happen any minute.

Like I mentioned before, I'm no theologian, but if Pruitt's professed faith bears any resemblance to what I half-remember from Sunday School, isn't he in deep shit right now? Like, doesn't the God frown on things like the misappropriation of public funds, nepotism and the destruction of public records to conceal a crime? And even if those things are not explicitly forbidden in the Bible, I think it's implied.

"No stealing, no killing, no using tax payer money on personal expenses...
whoa, whoa, God? God...slow down, I'm running out of Dead Sea Scroll here,
could we maybe condense it down to, I don't know, ten commandments?"

-Some dude in a cave,

circa 3,000 B.C.

Powder your wig and polish that fife!

"Yup, you got us Donald, we
just hate America so much..."

-Some Democrat

So what'd you do today? Did you maybe go to a barbecue? Or maybe a picnic? Maybe you're going to go see some fire works tonight? That's cool. So this woman climbed up onto the base of the Statue of Liberty and refused to come down until the government releases all the children they've detained as part of the President's Zero Tolerance, Lots of Racism immigration policy that he insists is somehow because Democrats hate America or whatever. Yeah, don't ask me to draw the flow chart of how that works.

So whatever you this Fourth of July, this woman, whose name hasn't been released yet, did it better. In fact, I think it's safe to say that she won the Fourth of July.

"Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you-without a hint of
 irony-to please stop protesting unfair immigration policies
from atop the most visible symbol of immigration imaginable."

-The cops today

Opposing, disrupting and defeating
through the power of handstands!

The mystery climber is a member of Rise and Resist NYC, an organization dedicated to supporting President Trump and the entire Administration through this difficult time of fake news and witch hunts. Yeah, just kidding, they hate the shit out of this administration and describe themselves as a 'direct action group committed to opposing, disrupting, and defeating any government act that threatens democracy, equality and our civil liberties.' So everything the Trump administration has said and done up to this point.

I don't want to tell them how to protest
or anything, but how about 'Crush ICE?'
 I mean, it's kind of a missed opportunity.

The group had gone to the Statue of Liberty to call for the abolishment of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency by unfurling a banner reading: ABOLISH ICE. Which, I know, but in their defense the President can only read in all caps. I guess one of their members had some doubts that the banner alone would be enough, so she climbed the base, sat and resisted. In response the monument was evacuated and police spent the next two hours alternating between trying to talk her down and chasing her around the statue, in humid, 90 degree weather.

Anyway, spoiler alert: the cops eventually managed to grab her, there are still kids being held apart from their parents and ICE is still un-aboloshed. Also, if you're a tourist who thought they'd spend the day at the Statue of Liberty, I guess this woman probably ruined your vacation and I suppose that sucks. But if it makes you feel any better, she was protesting intolerable and oppressive actions taken by an out of touch leader not elected by the people, so like, Happy Fourth!

In a way, the only things separating this woman's protest today and what
 these guys were doing during the revolution is some powdered wigs and a fife.

Anyone else sick of buying Scott Pruitt lunch?

Hey lookit! A teacher from D.C. just confronted Scott Pruitt, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, about how terrible he is at his job and how he is basically ruining the planet for her child and would he please resign?

"Resign? Um, let me think about it....uh...welllll...no."

-The climate change denier the 

President picked to run the EPA-huh? 

Why? I don't know, as a prank maybe?

N-n-n-no, don't even, you are on tape
 bragging about assaulting women.

The encounter comes as the question of whether or not it's ok to confront public officials on how much we loath them and everything they stand for, is very much on our minds. Recent examples of this trend include Sarah Sanders Huckabee getting booted from a restaurant for being a shitheel and the Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen getting balled out at a Mexican restaurant. Oh, and there's also the fact that no one wants to date White House staffers because they work for a sexual assault enthusiast.

I mean sure, the teacher, Kristen Mink, did interrupt Scott Pruitt's lunch, but in her defense the man is human garbage.

Sorry Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock...that was uncalled for.

"Emails huh? Better call
the FBI in on this one."

-That woman we voted for

Yeah, I know, that was harsh. Let me walk that back a bit: he's acting like human garbage. Currently under investigation for spending tax payer money on personal things like travel to his home state, and a phone booth for some insane reason, and for hanging out with the lobbyists, getting put up in a condo by a lobbyist, using secret email addresses so as to avoid there being a public record of all the terrible things he's totally not doing you guys. Anyway, the list goes on. He's currently the subject of like thirteen investigations.

Oh, and all this is in addition to doing the exact opposite of what the 'P' in EPA stands for. He is, in short, the worst EPA administrator since Walter Peck.

You remember, the asshole who shut down the containment grid in Ghostbusters?

"Apps? Sure we can get apps!
This one's on Uncle Sam."

-Scott Pruitt, earlier today

Anyway, like I said when we talked about the Red Hen thing with Sarah Sanders, I don't know how I feel about this. Mink posted video of her encounter on Facebook today and no one can fault her for being rude. Apart from the fact that she's accosting Pruitt during a meal-which, now that I think about it, we probably paid for-she's polite, articulate and not wrong about anything she's saying. So while I don't know how I feel about this, I do know that this is really the only recourse we have left.

Hey, it's nothing personal, Wyoming.
Oh, and hey, love the hat.

Pruitt, like Sanders and Nielsen work for Trump and I know I keep coming back to this, but most of us voted for Hillary Clinton. Over the last year and a half we've had to sit back and watch Pruitt dismantle the EPA, Sarah Sanders be a dick to the press, and now we get to watch Donald Trump choose another Supreme Court Justice. Sure, interrupting someone's lunch might seem uncivil, but I'm not sure I give a shit when my vote counts a third as much as someones from Wyoming and that's why everything sucks right now.

Weirdly, one of the things he's under investigation for is his twenty-agent, 24-hour security detail. The largest in EPA history. According to the Inspector General's office, during Pruitt's first year in office, he spent $3.5 million paying these agents. Three and a half million dollars. Of money. Our money to be precise. So like, I have a question, how useless are they when a concerned citizen with a child in tow can just confront Pruitt over an arugula and goat cheese salad?

Not included in the video is the part where Kristin Mink, with a toddler on her hip,
 overpowers a twenty-strong security team to confront noted asshole, Scott Pruitt.

Make America Canada Again!

Sorry in advance. I plan to get a lot of
mileage out of 'Canadians are polite'
in this one. Wait, sorry, kilometerage?

Hey everyone, it's Canada Day again and-huh? Yes again. It happens every year. That's how holidays work, it's part of the cyclic nature of our existence. Anyway, it's Canada Day and because I'm one-quarter Canadian, I'd like to-wait, what? Yes that's a thing. My grandmother was Canadian, so I'm one quarter. How dare you. Three quarters of me me is outraged, and the other quarter of me is sorry to have upset you. But like I was saying, Happy Canada Day. This year I'd like to share with you this editorial from the Toronto Star.

Pictured: Canadian history.

You should read it, but because you're almost certainly too busy with your own celebrations marking the 151st anniversary of the Canadian Mounties' victory over The Night King and his armies of undead from beyond the wall, I'll give you the gist. So like I was-uh? Oh what now? Yes, Mounties battled the Night King's army. I'm pretty sure I would know how Canada was founded. Look, if you don't believe me, go look it up.

"So fucking exceptional!"

-Us, like all the time

Where was I? Oh, right. This year's Canada Day theme is about celebrating how not American Canada is...well, how not United States-ian they are. Canadians are also North Americans. Classic us, right? The editorial points out how well Canadians govern themselves without:

"...shock and awe, or fire and fury, or chest-thumping about our own exceptionalism. But with a becoming rationality, decency and a sense of generosity."

Of course they call this a toque, so
I guess we have a language gap too.

Hey, do you think they're talking about us? Or is that just my American exceptionalism making me assume they are? I mean, we are after all, you know, like really exceptional. But rationality? Decency? Generosity? Sounds pretty gay if you ask me. You know, George Bernard Shaw (or someone) was supposed to have said once that the 'United States and Great Britain are two countries separated by a common language.' And I think something like that applies in this situation, except instead of little things like calling an elevator a lift and eating Branston Pickle, the U.S. and Canada seem to have fundamental differences about how countries should work.

Canada's trying to be a responsible member of the global community while we, on the other hand, are rapidly turning into a reality show with nuclear first strike capability.

There's a reason Bravo doesn't give the cast of
The Real Housewives of Atlanta with ICBM's. 

Pretty sure 'The Donald' would never go
for it, although the ratings would be huge...

Of course the Star's editorial board isn't blind to Canada's problems, they call out the political fighting over oil pipelines and the treatment of indigenous peoples-which, we have no room to judge here. But they did praise how Canadians have come together in support of Prime Minister Trudeau in the face of Donald Trump's economic attacks on trade and his personal attacks on Trudeau himself. Verbal attacks I mean. I'm pretty sure Trudeau, twenty-six years younger and an ex-boxer would totally win in a physical fight. Holy shit, could you imagine?

Anyway, check out the editorial if you have a chance, maybe between curling matches or after you get home from Canada Day caroling around the neighborhood. Oh, and if it seems a little out of character for Canadians-who are famously modest and self-deprecating-to suggest that Canada is in some way superior to another country, just remind yourself who an electoral, but not popular, majority put in charge of our country.

Perhaps Donald Trump's greatest contribution will
be as a reminder of how great it is to be a Canadian.