Today in ill-conceived marketing pitches:

What do professionals have that I don't?
Pie charts and a man-bun, evidently.

So I'm not dead or anything. I usually do a bunch of these every month, and only like one so far in July. I guess I'm calling it a sabbatical from blogging. You know, like the rest of the world did in 2010 or whenever it was people stopped doing these. Although, can I even take a sabbatical? Professional people with serious jobs take sabbaticals, for the rest of us, it's just not showing up at work. Which this isn't. Nobody's paying me to do this. And that's fine, I wouldn't pay me for this either.

Now I'm reading my mail at you.
That's how out of ideas I am.

Anyway, the point is I thought you should know that I'm not dead. That's not however stopping a local funeral parlor from advertising at me. And at some point, I  can't help but feel that this constitutes a threat, albeit one that comes with a meal at a Mexican restaurant. Oh, didn't I mention? Here, let me back up. The mailing was addressed to my family or "Current Resident," which I found somewhat impersonal. It's almost as if they don't care about me, only the possibility that I or a loved one might die. Hey, you don't suppose...

Pictured: why more Americans are
pre-planning for their imminent deaths.

Ok, so one side of the enclosed flyer extols the virtues of pre-planing for one's demise, which is, I'm sure this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but it's not something one necessarily wants to think about, so in many ways, the good people at Benita & Azzaro have their work cut out for them. They approach it as any good rhetorician would: with a list. In their case, a list of reasons "...more Americans are pre-planning." They don't provide any evidence that we're doing more preplanning than previously, but I'm not really prepared to do research here.

Be sure to check the "bloated corpse
loaded into a catapult and flung over
the enemy's wall" box on the form.

The reasons given include #1: not being a financial burden on those left behind. Because worrying about money should haunt you to your grave. #2: Making sure the wishes of the deceased are carried out. Because dead people defiantly care about such things. And #3 "Creating contingency plans." Which isn't a reason, and completely breaks the rhythm established by the first two items, but since lists need a minimum of three things for some reason, there it is. Is it weird that that's what bothers me the most about this funeral home's marking push? It is, isn't it?  

But, and I'm sure you were wondering the same thing I was: what does Benjamin Franklin have to say on the matter of planing one's own funeral:

"Ow...it burns when I pee."

-Franklin, in one of his 

lesser known aphorisms

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail."

-Benjamin Franklin, according 

to Benita & Azzaro's flyer

Great advice. And who better to advise us than Benjamin Franklin? He is, after all, dead. Of course, he was famously riddled with STIs, so maybe he wasn't the best at thinking ahead?

Which brings us to the dinner for two at El Jardín Restaurant. Or does it? No. But the pre-deceased and a guest are cordially invited to an exclusive complimentary meal and seminar...yes, and seminar. Uh-huh, there's the catch. I'm out, but if you and a guest are free on Wednesday, August 6th in the middle of the day--like, noon on a weekday--and would like to sit through a sales pitch about how to plan for your inevitable non-existence, hit me up for a QR code. I am, of course, only joking. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

Ironically, the release death brings would be preferable to the luncheon seminar.

Not a Scoop!

I know journalism has long since died, but it's long frustrated me that Prime Day is somehow worthy of news. But this:

Pictured: the kind of heard-hitting journalism we've come to expect in the 2020's.

Look, I'm not business guy, but why'd he
bother buying the Washington Post when
news sites will cover his sales for free? 

So the "article"--and I hesitate to use the word--covers which sales the writer feels are worth taking advantage of and which are not, and which ones are worth jumping on before the official start of Prime Day on July 8th. None of which is news. And sure, I get that there has long been a tradition of things like Consumer Reports which cover things of importance to people trying to save money, but this feels not like that. And I don't mean to criticize the writer of the NBC piece linked above as a person, just the existence of their job. 

But first, I feel obligated to voice my traditional concerns about how dumb Prime Day, as a thing, is. Not because Amazon is the economic equivalent of a malignant polyp, nor because the "sale" follows subtle price increases in the lead up, but because Prime Day is multiple days. Four days this year. And it's confusing because Prime means first, "day" is singular, and this "sale" lasts ninety-six hours. 

"I rented Venice, do you think I can't redefine time itself?"

-Jeff Bezos,* evidently

Click here for great deals on transatlantic
cruises, life jackets, and deckchairs!

While the article does make a passing reference to some of the items on sale are not worth buying, the writer doesn't say which ones. Instead, what follows is just a list of items whose Prime Day sale prices are highlighted, along with direct links to the online retailer, as well as bullet points about the Prime Day sales. None of which seems like something honest journalism, even journalism that purports to be helping consumers make purchasing decisions, should ever, ever do. The writer even includes personal testimonials for some of them. 

Pictured: literally anyone explaining
how this isn't seriously compromised.

That's not news. And I know it's carried under the label "NBC Select," but what even is that? I asked AI--well, I didn't ask AI, I searched the question and Google made an assumption, but, I mean, look at this: "NBC Select is a section of NBC News and CNBC that focuses on providing high-quality, editorially independent content, including deals, tips, and product reviews, to help readers make informed decisions about various aspects of their lives..."

That's just an example, I'm sure that
Ninja Air Fryers are great at making
dried out food that last like plastic.

What? I mean, what? It's high quality, editorially independent content about deals? That's oxymoronic. The explanation wraps back in on itself and explodes in a cloud of its own rhetorical impossibility. The actual NBC Select site includes an advertiser disclosure that claims that while they receive a commission, said commission doesn't influence what they say about the products. Which, ok, but if they say, for example, that they feel a new Ninja Air Fryer is garbage, they have to know that Ninja Air Fryer commissions will dry up. So, how is it possible for them to be independent and accept commissions?

Again, not blaming the writer here, they're just doing their job. I'm not even blaming NBC. I think all the news sites have something similar to this. They are not responsible for the hyper-capitalist, dystopian nightmare we find ourselves in. But they're not, you know, helping, and sooner or later the wheels are coming off.

"Here's to endless growth with no consequences!"

-Rich people

*I'm aware that he's no longer in charge of the day to day operations, but he still like, is the largest shareholder so...