Spaaaaaace Ghooooooost!

"We stuck a flag in it, it's ours."

-Newt Gingrich

I'm beginning to think that NASA wants to have their budget cut. The shuttles have all been handed out to museums, they're arguing with Congress over the 2013 budget and their only supporter in Washington is Newt Frelling Gingrich and he wants the Moon to be the fifty-first state. Yet every time one of their multi-billion dollar probes spot something interesting in space they're like falling all over themselves to explain how it's not aliens. Look at this crazy smoke monster thing on the surface of Mars. Life on Mars right? Nope. Before you could say 'we come in peace' the space agency dismissed the thing as the martian equivalent of a dust devil. Sigh.

Even Mac knew when to quit
and just use a damned Stargate.

I mean does NASA hate funding? Are they made up entirely of rugged MacGyver-types who enjoy the challenge of exploring space with little more than a Swiss Army Knife, rubber bands and a mullet? I'm not saying that they should lie about Martian vapor-based life forms, I'm just saying that if they left open the possibility that maybe there's something other than rocks and rocks that look like (but aren't) Bigfoot on the red planet they might find themselves on the receiving end of some much needed space credits. Besides, while it's true that the image below does kind of look like a dust storm (or Galacticus mating with Mars), it also looks like it could be one of those dragon puppets from a Chinese New Year parade seen from above. Can we really afford not to check it out?

"It might be a dust storm. It might also be the disembodied spirit of an ancient Martian 
haunting the barren remains of its once verdant world. Maybe we should take a look?"

-What NASA probably should have said

Photo glitch or ancient Mayan teleport?
If you said teleport, you're an idiot. 

Look at that photo! How can they turn down an opportunity like this? People believe in a far more ridiculous things with a lot less evidence. Mayan Doomsday prophecies, Creationism, the rabid-foam nonsense that falls out of Rick Santorum's mouth-it's not like we Americans are hard to put one over on. How many people think Tupac is still alive? Here, a picture of what could easily be a Martian ghost-dragon lands in NASA's lap and what do they do? They chalk it up to a goddamned dust storm. We would have a manned colony on Mars by Tuesday if someone at the space agency had the wherewithal to call this amorphous blob a Martian angel. Tuesday.

"I think it's still a little early, but we're going to go with space angel. Steve, Jeff want to weigh in?"
"Oh, yeah, definitely. Angels on Mars."
"Space angel, all the way. Praise the uh...Jesus."

-Some NASA guys

Grandpa needs to be alone with the coin.

 The Justice Coin: For every one sold,
God kills a terrorist.

I didn't think it was possible to win at 9/11, but then I saw an ad for the The Justice Coin on the TV at the bar. The sound was off, but the flags and slowly rotating coins said all that needed to be said. When I got home I googled it and nearly choked to death on glee (the emotion, not the TV show). The Justice Coin is quite possibly the greatest, worst thing ever sold on TV. Better than Shamwow, better than that belt that electric shocks your abs.* If you haven't clicked, do so now. Right now, there's no time to waste.

"Remember when we all savored the
 taste of justice? That was awesome.
So how many can I put you down for?"

"A Historic Event Commemorated-

September 11, 2001 -  the terrible events of that day will live in infamy, but the United States would ensure that those responsible would pay the ultimate price. Finally, after 10 years our nation savored the taste of justice."

-From the Justice Coin website

(someone got paid to write that)

"Say Kevin, why don't you go watch TV.
Grandpa needs to be alone with the coin."

Gross, right? So why was I choking on glee and not say, my own vomit? Because never before has there been a commercial venture so wrong, so nakedly cynical and exploitative in its very premise that it actually folds in on itself and becomes amazing. It's a coin about killing bin Laden. And holy shit, the looped TV spot is a masterpiece. The stirring music, the 9/11 imagery, the satisfied customers sitting at their kitchen tables turning the coins over and over again like Gollum with the one ring. If you're not sexually aroused by this coin it's because you are a terrorist.

Above: The International Board of
Retail Price Suggesters absolutely
 loosing their shit over this.

Check this out: even though the suggested retail price is $100, the people at the Historic Coin Mint® have set the price at $49.99 over the strong objection of the people who suggest retail prices. But wait, there's more. Remember how I just said the Historic Coin Mint® was offering the Justice Coin at half price? Yeah well you also get a second, silver coin for free, not to mention 2 (two) acrylic display cases. Oh, and a gold lapel pin. And a military briefing pack including maps, photos and operational details. It's like being a Navy Seal without getting off the couch.

Worried about counterfeit Justice Coins? Don't be. Certificates of Authenticity
are included. Framed, they make a great addition to any subterranean rapture-shelter.

"Cindy Tan of Raleigh, NC just saw
the commercial, start the clock."

Still not convinced? The coins, lapel pin and military briefing pack? A $260 dollar value? Well, call in the next ten minutes and if you're among the first 500 callers you can have it for $19.95. Let that sink in. Oh, and if you're thinking about waiting, maybe talking it over with the family, keep in mind that The Historic Coin Mint® uses special internet technology to detect exactly when you heard about this incredible offer. Your 10 minutes has already started and not taking advantage of this incredible offer is basically the same as flying a plane into an office building. 

Hurricane Katrina? I'm afraid I'm
unfamiliar-if there was a coin or a plate...

Look, commemorative coins are literally the only way to record history. World War II, The Moon Landing, John F. Kennedy-if it wasn't for the Franklin Mint these people and events would have slipped into mists of history. Thank God for collectibles and the people who buy them. How else could we possibly be expected to remember that 9/11 even happened without a commemorative coin layered in 24 karat gold? That's right, I said layered in gold, precious gold.

You see, not only is the Justice Coin an important piece of American history, it's also an investment. There's never been a better time for paranoid white people to buy gold. You owe it to your family to act now, while supplies last. Unless of course you don't love your children. Is that it? You hate your own kids? You're a monster, you know that?

In the bleak future where President Santorum is left to deal with the fallout of Obama's global
 economic crisis and gay marriage, The Justice Coin will be the only legal tender, so stock up.

*While the coin itself is not better than the Forever Lazy, the advertising is.

I think we owe dogs an apology.

"Carbon dating? Fossils? Strata?
It was all my doing! Mwa ha ha ha!"

-The Prince of Darkness

Paleontologists (you know, the people who lie to us about the dinosaur bones the Devil buried to trick us) have made a kick ass discovery in the field of giant-god-damn-penguins. They've named it Kairuku.* It stood 4 feet 2 inches tall and lived 26 million years ago (or 25,994,000 years before Kirk Cameron thinks the universe blinked into existence). The ramifications of this find could take years to sink and will undoubtedly revolu-oh, wait, they just sunk in: there used to be really big penguins in New Zealand. Ok, well. It's still kind of interesting though. Big penguins and all. Oh and now New Zealand is famous for two things.

Only one extant species, the rare Rogue's Gallery Penguin
(o. cobblepotus), comes even close to Kairuku at just under 4' tall.

Still pretty deadly though...

When we humans look back on our ancestors we find smaller, less threatening ape-like creatures who spent most of their lives outrunning saber-toothed tigers and selling car insurance. You might say, we've come a long way (then again you might not). But with birds the evolutionary process that transformed us from cave man to the be-thumbed inventors of internet porn took the terrible thunder lizards of the cretaceous period and reduced them in size, ferocity and awesomeness. Now, when you trace the once proud lineage of creatures like the Spinosaurus, Velociraptors and Tyrannosaurus Rex down through the eons it ends up in a bucket full of their progeny baked in 11 herbs and spices. 

Sucks to be birds right? And don't even get me started on dogs. What about about dogs? Fine. Get me started. I like dogs and all, but when you stop to think about it they started out as grey wolves but thanks to human interference many now exist as docile, purse-sized abominations. It's a good thing we bred them stupid, because they should HATE us.  

*Fun fact: Kairuku is startlingly close to the word 'kakairu' which I accidentally googled instead. Turns out 'kakairu' is Japanese for gay-manga porn or something. Now you know.

All's fair in love and ham.

Above: Governor Chris Christie.
Not pictured: neck.

Yeah, ok, so California is somehow still slogging through Prop. 8 douchebaggary, this terrible woman still has her job and the Governor of New Jersey looked up from his honey-glazed ham* just long enough to veto a same-sex marriage bill. But despite all this, February wasn't all bad news when it comes to equality. Maryland is about to pass their own bill legalizing same-sex marriage thus bringing the total to 7 states and D.C. which is pretty good in a country where hating gay people can be an official part of a your political platform.

Oh, and there was this bit of kick-ass justice in Texas about a gay judge who is refusing to perform weddings until such a time as everyone is treated equally under Texas law. I mean, she's basically on strike, how brilliant is that?

Pictured: An artist's rendition of a time when everyone is treated equally under Texas law.

-right in the coiffure.

Speaking of strikes, it's not just the Maryland state legislature and Texan judges that are sick of the bullshit, the Governor of New Mexico's hairdresser has been refusing to see her until she reverses her position on same-sex marriage. He's even been getting calls from other stylists around the world saying they're also going to refuse anti-equality customers. I really hope this catches on. Like, what if every anti-gay Republican's (what? Like it's not almost entirely a Republican thing?) hairdresser did this? Hit'em where it hurts. I don't think anyone's ever stopped to calculate the political pressure stylists can bring to bear.

It reminds me of this ancient Greek play called Lysistrata (yeah, I majored in Theatre). It's a comedy wherein the women of Greece withold sex until the menfolk end the Peloponnesian war. Since it's the ancient world and there's no such thing as porn or Xbox, the men give in and the play ends with peace and lots of boning.

Although it occurs to me now that Lysistrata might actually suffer from a major
plot hole. Ancient Greece, no women, oiled pecs, do I need to do the math?

Above: 6 mustache-based industries
 that would grind to a halt.  

I think everyone (gay, straight, bi, robot) who supports equality should join in. And not just people in stereotypically gay professions like hairdressers, waiters and Indian Chiefs, but everybody. Imagine a world where the guy at Dunkin' Donuts refuses to give Newt Gingrich his customary box of lunch Munchkins or where Rick Perry can't get his face re-Lexol'ed. Think of it as non-voilent demonstration; like the Occupy movement, but with clearer goals and better hygiene. Just a gentle reminder that gay people are entitled to equal rights and protections under the law and if you don't like it you can do your own goddamn hair.

*What? I'm not sorry. Chris Christie is an awful person and in all likelihood was eating ham when the bill came across his desk.

The Prince of Lies and Waffles

Like they could have come up with
these without selling their souls.

Here's the thing: there is no Devil. I'm not trying to be a dick or tell other people that their beliefs are stupid, but it's just not a thing. At least not in a literal, relevant sense that everyone can be expected to agree with. So when someone who's running for President and whose chances aren't nil starts in with the Prince of Darkness talk I get a little nervous. Like what if this guy is in charge of U.S. foreign policy someday and declares war on Belgium or something because he thinks they're in league with the Lord of Flies?

This is approximately 87% more
likely than the Devil. That's math.

So am I being a jerk when it comes to the religious worldview of 70% of Americans including Rick Santorum? Maybe. But while I can't prove there isn't a Devil, I also can't prove that Santorum isn't some kind of elaborate man-puppet operated by leprechauns or aliens or something. He appears to behave (somewhat) like a human so we accept him at face value. Similarly, since the universe appears to operate on a (somewhat) rational, scientifically explainable level, so as far as public discourse goes shouldn't we be treating claims of devilry with an appropriate level of derision and anti-psychotics?

I like to be respectful of other people's beliefs, but this guy seems to be saying that he's the only thing standing between us and a tangible and malevolent supernatural force orchestrating the downfall of America through the cunning use of gay marriage and free health care. That's certifiably insane, right?

"Curse those social conservatives! Their family values and
supply-side economics have foiled my plans once again!"

Prop 8-Ball

Holy shit, again with the feet dragging? I hope you weren't planning to get gay married in California anytime soon because lawyers for Prop. 8 have asked for a mulligan. Yeah, because that's what you do when you don't get your way, you take a do-over. It's like they didn't like what the magic 8-ball said so they're shaking it again and again in hopes of getting an 'Outlook Good.'

I mean that metaphorically of course as most Prop. 8 supporters consider the

Magic 8-Ball a form of sorcery along with fortune cookies and the Weather Channel.

Hey Andy, if 7 million Californians told you
to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?

Andy Pugno, the head lawyer for the Project Marriage Coalition (an anti-equality group with a lot of time on its hands and a seemingly inexhaustible legal fund) said this (possibly even with a straight face):

"This gives the entire 9th Circuit a chance to correct this anomalous decision by just two judges overturning the vote of seven million Californians."

"Reconsider? Alright, fine: Prop 8 is
unconstitutional and you're all dicks."

-Some Judges

Hmm. So the PMC is giving the 9th Circuit a chance to reconsider their reconsideration. How thoughtful of them. Hasn't Prop 8. been thrown out twice now? At what point does this stop being just legal maneuvering and start to qualify as harassment? Like could I maybe have a list of people who are members of the Protect Marriage Coalition and then get a judge to put their marriages on hold? I can say that marriage between homophobes offends Lloth* the Spider Queen. Then when my case gets thrown out for being stupid and crazy, I can appeal and throw up legal obstacles for years. How's that sound?

What? Legally, the wishes of the Dark Goddess of the Drow should carry as much
weight as that 'definition of marriage' horseshit the Prop. 8 people are peddling.

*I'm opting for 'Lloth' as opposed to 'Lolth' as the this is the (admittedly archaic) spelling preferred by the Dark Elves of Menzoberranzan. That's a +2 to my nerd roll.

All faiths lead to Batman.

Remember when tea-bagging didn't
have such a negative connotation?
Like when it referred to balls?

You know what? Screw this guy. Seriously. Look, as I've had to mention far too many times, I'm no scholar of theology, but who gave Rick Santorum the 'legitimate religion' stamp? Like, is he some kind of authority on doctrine? I mean who got nailed to what and left him in charge? (Too soon?) What the hell am I talking about? Well, in his most recent 'Vote for Me, I hate everyone you hate' plea to Tea-Baggers, Santorum complained that President Obama isn't the right kind of Christian. What the shit does that even mean? Since when is there a religious requirement for office in this country? Ok, if you said 'since always,' you'd be kind of be correct, but it's bullshit.

"Listen, I'm just trying to bring everyone together, you know,
in common hatred of women, gays and people who don't
 agree with me. I don't see what your problem is."

-Rick Santorum

Can we please just take religion off the table? Not just when it comes to politics, but with everything. I think everyone from the most devout Pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic Mel-Gibsonian to the douchiest of hard core everyone's-stupid-but-me-atheists can agree that anyone with a different belief system from their own is rabid-foam crazy to some degree.

Except for Raelians. They believe in cloning, nudity
and aliens so I'm pretty sure they're on to something.*

Oh, like this is any crazier
than 98% of the Bible.

For example, if you tell me that the Earth is 6000 years old and that any minute now, all the true believers are going to get raptured away leaving the rest of us to battle the anti-christ and monsters in a post-apocalyptic nightmare, I'm going to tell you that you're an idiot. Similarly, you'd probably say that I'm wasting my time waiting for aliens to land in their mothership. But does this really mean we can't be friends? Kirk and Spock, Riggs and Murtaugh, Mulder and Scully-it's our differences that make us stronger, so suck on that Rick Santorum.

Although I think it
should be fairly obvious.

Everyone's got a different take on the nature of the universe and that's cool. Subscribing to one system or another doesn't really make you better qualified to be president. All religions are equally provable in so far as you can't prove or disprove anything to anyone else about god or the afterlife or anything just by believing in it really hard and shouting down people who disagree. I know, it seems like fun at first, but wait until you die and discover that god is in fact a spaghetti monster or doesn't exist or something and that you've wasted your short time on this planet in an argument with as much relevance as which The Fast and the Furious movies was the least waste of your time. Embarrassing, right?

Religion is a lot like Batman, really. Over the last 70-odd years there's been like a ton of different versions, re-boots and re-imaginings of Batman. Behold:

"Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-
na-na-na-na-na-na-na- Batman!"

-A traditional Batman hymn

Many faces, one Batman, yet they can all coexist peacefully side by side. Batman is still Batman whether he's kicking the shit out of the Riddler or solving haunted amusement park crime with Scooby-Doo. Trying to reconcile these different Bat-Universes would only drive us insane, so we don't. Choosing a Batman is a deeply personal decision that everyone must make for themselves. There is no right or wrong answer, we simply accept that all are a path to Batman.

*I swear to Xenu,** I'm not making fun of them. The Raelian worldview is no more or less crazy than anyone else's and has, to date, resulted in zero crusades.

**Ok, so I am making fun Scientologists, just a little.†

†But that doesn't mean they're not right.