It can be two things!

In addition to being Federation Day, today is also National Coming Out Day!  Let's celebrate both holidays by looking back on all the gay characters from Star Trek:

Behold: The gayest moment in Star Trek.

Huh...um...well, I guess the closest thing to a gay character was Dax from Deep Space 9. Dax wasn't really gay, so much as occasionally bi-curious. She once made eyes at Vanessa Williams and that was pretty gay. Oh, and there was an episode where she kissed a woman to whom she was married in a previous incarnation (Trills are a little like Time Lords). Yup, Dax was like the gayest thing to happen to Star Trek, and then she married Worf. So much for that.

"Mm-hmm."

                                     -Guinan 

That's it really. Yeah, Crusher dated that guy who became a woman ('nother Trill, and then she dumped him/her) and Riker hooked up with an alien from a planet with no sexes but he'll bang anyone (see?). In 45 years there hasn't been an actual gay character on Star Trek. I guess that somehow on a show about space commies who have sex with aliens, androids and holograms, it would have been going too far to show two dudes having a drink together in Ten Forward. I'm a big nerd and I love me some Trek, but they kind of dropped the ball on this. To make up for it, here's a picture from George Takei's wedding:

Maybe we'll see some diversity on Star Trek: The Next, Next Generation.

Newt Gingrich: The GOP isn't racist. Homophobic yes, but racist, no.

"The GOP? Racist? What? Some of our
best party chairs were Afro-merican!"

-Newt Gingrich

According to Newt Gingrich, the Republican party isn't racist, so that's a relief. But is his opinion really the most reliable and unbiased? I'm not saying this because he's an adulterous hypocrite (although he is), but he's not likely to trash his own party, right? It's sort of like how William Shatner said that Star Trek is better than Star Wars. Sure, in this case Shatner is correct, Star Trek is better. Shut up, it is. But here's the thing, he most famous for playing Captain Kirk. Can we really take his remarks as anything other than dramatic pause-ridden cheerleading?


Without Star Trek, Shatner might just be some doughy Canadian guy who played T.J. Hooker and starred in the world's only all-Esperanto movie. Don't get me wrong, he is one of the greatest actors of our time, but he's hardly going to knock the thing that made him.

"Mi...havi...sufica...da vi!"

-Star Trek III, Act. V Sc. 4

Pictured: That totally not racist time
Mitt Romney asked who let the dogs out.

So back to how the GOP is not at all racist. Maybe there's some truth to this. The Republicans I know aren't racists and most of the ones on TV probably aren't. In my experience they're otherwise reasonable people who just happen to love the death penalty and believe that corporations should be treated like people...people who should never pay taxes and sit above the laws of man and reason. Oh and guns, they like guns. Health care? Tough shit, we've got drones to build. And a lot of them think gay people are an abomination...What was I talking about?


Oh, right, not all Republicans are racists. I'd buy that, but I'm not really sure the racist Republicans even know when they're being racist. Sort of like how old people say 'chinamen.' Remember that time Bill O'Reilly* went to a restaurant in Harlem and walked out pontificating on how well behaved the other customers were? It's like that.

"There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, M.F.-er, I want some more iced tea."

-Bill O'Reilly

(hand to god, he really said this)

It's like this.

I'm not saying that the party is racist, I mean, what do I know? Yeah, it does seem to be the party racists are more apt to join and racists sure like to vote for them. And sometimes they seem to pull some pretty racist crap designed to show the rest of us how reverse-racist we are. But I guess it's not entirely fair to call the GOP racist. Fine. Granted. They're totally the party of Lincoln. But is it just me or is the GOP totally cool with homophobia? Fighting to keep gays and lesbians from getting married is part of the goddamn Republican platform in a lot of states and they're ok with that. So can I call them homophobes?

Above: Berkeley College Republicans strike a blow for white people with a bake sale.
To criticize college admissions practices, cupcakes for white people cost $2.00, hispanics paid $1.50
and black people were disproportionately arrested and served longer prison terms.

*Bill O'Reilly is an Independent and not technically a Republican. I'm only using him as an example of people who say totally racist things, without knowing how racist they sound. But for real.

Hey people on bikes, just a heads up: I'm probably going to kill you.

I don't want to kill you, I really don't, but if you keep veering in front of my car, no amount of 'right of way' is going to save you from a skull fracture.

The city streets are filled with the chalk outlines of cyclists who didn't obey the rules.

Pictured: jerks.

I am a super careful driver but whilst driving in San Francisco last weekend I nearly killed like 20 bicyclists (rough estimate). Look, I don't have anything against bikes, in fact, I think we should all ditch our cars and become a society of insufferable, zero-emission bike commuters who roll their eyes at those planet-hating losers who can't afford to live within biking distance of their jobs. Psscht...they probably don't even have ironic facial hair or shop at Whole Foods.

Yeah, that's the one.
Thanks Johnny Cash!

I'm only being half-sarcastic, cyclists totally have the right idea. We really should all ride bikes if we can. The problem is that they seem to be following traffic laws they make up as they go along. When we drive cars, we have to do things like stop at red lights, stay within the lines, use turn signals, things like that. Wrapped smugly in their spandex and eco-superiority they weave in and out of bike lanes, on to the sidewalks and straight through red lights. Hand signals? They only know one and use it freely whenever you have the audacity to be driving in your car on the road when they want to careen suddenly in front of you.

I don't know, I guess I feel like bikes are either vehicles on the road or they're pedestrians with wheels and should stay on the sidewalk. Pick one, I don't care which. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but the rules are there so we're all on the same page. If people on bikes insist on surprising me with exciting new maneuvers, someone's gonna die and it's not the guy wrapped in one and a half tons of metal and plastic.

Also, do people on bikes really need to dress like Power Rangers?
I get it when they're on the Tour De France, but do aerodynamics really come
into play between one's apartment and Starbucks?

iHate my Phone

Can we talk a little about my stupid phone? I hate it. Like I realize that this tiny little brick of advanced South Korean technology allows me to contact anyone anywhere at any time and that's great and all, but how come it sucks so hard?

What's the deal Martin?

Of course I could also sell rides on my time
 machine, you know, as a side thing.

Sure, if I ever get my hands on a time machine, the first thing I'm going to do is go back to the 1970's, patent my cell and make billions. I mean those pre-internet savages will have never seen such an amazing piece of high-tech sorcery. Hell, they'll probably make me their king. To make some extra cash, I'll start placing bets on historical events. One million dollars each on Jesse 'The Body' Ventura being elected Governor and the Star Wars prequels totally sucking. What? Don't judge me, the economy sucks. What else am I going to do with a time machine?


Anyway, back to my phone. Observe this fatal design flaw:

Observe it!
Do you see the problem here? What the hell LG?

The Druidians had better
security on the air-shield.

Almost every flat surface on my phone is covered in buttons making accidental button-presses inevitable. But it's locked! You say, totally and more than a little rudely interrupting my rant. Yes. Yes it is locked, but to unlock it you just press the 'OK' button. You don't have to hit a sequence of keys, there's no code, just this big, raised button on the face of the phone. That's it. It's not so much a lock as it is a broken screen door.


Did it never occur to LG R&D that I might sit on my phone someday? Don't people in South Korea ever put their phones in their pockets? Could it be that in 3000 years of Korean history there's never been a single butt-dial? There. I said what I needed to say. I feel better, don't you?

Maybe South Korea should stick to what it does best: replacing us with robots.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate this human emotion you call 'love.'"

-Father X2-01

Stop...Judah Hammer Time.

I guess it's a coincidence,

but what do I know?

Hey, did you see that Mel Gibson is making a movie about Judah Maccabee? I know, right? Who? Yeah, I had no idea but, in a scholarly examination of this wikipedia page, I discovered that he (Maccabee, not Mel Gibson) was an ancient Jewish hero who led a revolt against the Seleucid Empire and later went on to invent Hanukkah (the Jewish festival of lights made famous by Adam Sandler). Oh, and also his name means 'Hammer' in ancient Hebrew. Judah Hammer. Rad, huh? Although I guess it does sound a little like a porn name. Anyway, I know what you're thinking: just what the hell is a Seleucid Empire? Who cares? (But if you must know, here) It was an empire and Judah 'the Hammer' Maccabee took it on in the 160's BC which means he did it with like knives and slingshots. Bad ass.

In Star Wars terms, Judah Maccabee falls somewhere between
Mon Mothma and Admiral Akbar.

Ah the good 'ole days, right Mel?

So a member of a persecuted underclass stands up to a powerful, imperialistic foe with greater numbers and military superiority? Sounds pretty Gibsonian. But doesn't Mel kinda hate people who believe differently from or who are not, him? What's the deal? Did he get over his anti-Semitism? Or is he just Semitic-neutral now? Doubt it. He's a member of this super orthodox Catholic sect that thinks the Vatican II reforms were too liberal and that everyone else (including his own wife) is going to hell.


Could it be that he's just trying to restore his public image after so many public homophobic, sexist, anti-Semitic, racist ravings? Am I being cynical? Like, more so than usual? Maybe, but what else could explain his recent mega-flop The Beaver? And before you get all excited it's just a movie where he plays a depressed guy with a beaver puppet. I think it was supposed to endear him to us again, but I think it just pissed people off with its misleading title.

"Remember back when Mel did Lethal Weapon? And Thunderdome?
Those were fun right? Anyone up for Payback 2? He's available!"

-Beavey McBeaverton

Mel Gibson's Stuffed Beaver and Agent

Holy Crap!

Did you know that there's a War in Heaven? And that it's today?! I had no idea so it's a good thing this postcard/flyer thing showed up in the mail:

In other startling junk mail: there's an anniversary sale at Kohl's.

Take an additional 30% off everything!

Yeah, Satan still has better cover art.

It's an invitation to 'an amazing journey with Presenter Otavio McKenzie.' I don't really know who this person is (a google search turned up surprisingly little useful info) or what his amazing journey is all about but the topics of discussion (God on Trial, Jesus: Legend or Legacy, The Anatomy of Sin) leads me to suspect that this is not, as the postcard art might imply, a kick-ass metal concert. In fact, it smells pretty churchy. Also, judging by Otavio's title of 'Presenter' I think we can be pretty sure the dude is packing some serious PowerPoint. Out of morbid curiosity, I investigated further.

Maybe it doesn't violate copyright
if you frame it with a tiny TV?

I went to the website, but most of it is 'under construction' which is kind of disappointing because the war is like, today. You'd think they'd be more on top of what is surely one of the most important imaginary events ever. One thing that is up and running* (not anymore, see below) is this little trailer for the apocalypse which seems to be stitched together from '2012,' 'The Day After Tomorrow' and the Tom Cruise version of 'War of the Worlds.' So either we need to be on the lookout for an end-times trifecta of sudden ice ages, earthquakes and Martian Tripods or armageddon is going to be a clip show.


And then there's this newsletter thing, which I've tried to read a couple of times now, but can't seem to make it through. It's got something to do with dragons and the Ark of the Covenant, which according to that documentary, Raiders of the Lost Ark, is a golden box with the power to melt any Nazi foolish enough to crack it open.

"Ach! Mein Gott! I vas hoping for einen nice surprise or maybe some chocolate, 
but instead mine face ist melting. Vat a disappointment."

-Some Nazi who opened the wrong magic box

Now there's a lunatic you can get behind.
His bullshit ruined lives.

So a broken website, intellectual copyright infringement and some murky biblical fanfic? I love a good crazy doomsday prediction as much as the next guy, but this War in Heaven thing is pretty disappointing. Remember Harold Camping and the 5-21-11 people? Billboards, ads on the sides of buses, a functional website. They had people selling their homes and giving away their savings, and Camping had already incorrectly predicted the end like twice already. That's dedication. What's Otavio got? A slide show and some folding chairs?

Maybe next time think about using dry erase markers?

*Update! It looks like the awesome trailer has been removed. If you click on the video section you just get a message saying: 'Under Construction.' Bummer.

Those spoony bards!

So Final Fantasy X is getting an HD remake and I have an issue with this which I'll explain, but first a warning for people with lives: I'm about to get a little (ok, a lot) nerdy here so if you need to, bail out now. Anyway, seriously? Final Fantasy X?

If this reference is lost on you, congratulations. Chances are you didn't waste your childhood sitting
indoors playing poorly translated JRPG's, or your young adulthood trying to get them to work on emulators.

Psscht...What is this, Colecovison?

If you know what I'm talking about you're probably joining me in saying 'remake?' in that sort of rising tone we geeks use to express incredulity. The game only came out 10 years ago and the graphics have held up pretty damn well. Maybe in another ten or twenty years they can do a holodeck version or something, but in the meantime why not give us the Final Fantasy VII remake they totally teased us with a few years back? Sure, when it came out it looked amazing, but time has not been kind to FFVII.

Holy crap, realistic FFVII cosplay
is the stuff of nightmares.

In fact, the earlier games have held up much better if only for their quaint retro-look. Back in the NES and SNES days they weren't really going for accuracy, just consistency. The characters in Final Fantasy IV for example were kind of short, squat anime kids. They didn't really look especially realistic but neither did the 2D 16-bit world in which they lived, so it worked. FFVII on the other hand used almost photo realistic pre-rendered backgrounds and then dropped these creepy, mouth-less, polygonal Popeye dolls into them. The result, to our sophisticated HD-spoiled minds, is unnerving at best (see right).



Well, I guess it's only a matter of time before they crank out a FFVII re-make. I mean it's not like Square-Enix has ever missed a chance to sell us some nostalgia-laden piece of our childhood. They're the Hot Topic of gaming. They've done ports, re-releases and re-makes for every game in the series, sometimes several times over. I think I have like 4 versions of FFIV alone.

Final Fantasy VII: Special Chronicles Hyper Turbo Anniversary Edition
This time, Aerith shoots first!

And another thing...

Behold Vaan, the Yoko of Final Fantasy.

On a side note, I'd like to mention that I'm a little biased against the latter day Finals Fantasy (Final Fantasies?). Maybe it's just me, but the series kinda feels like a band that went all experimental and left its older fans behind. Most of the games past part VII lost me. It wasn't the emo-heavy character rosters, confusing story lines or complicated card-games although these things really didn't help. For me it was the the level-ups.

No, for real, what the hell Square?

Crap like Junctioning, Sphere Grids and the License Board ruined Final Fantasy forever. What the hell is wrong with a straightforward leveling system? Do they really have to dress it up with bizarro flow-charts full of crystals and orbs and shit? What ever happened to 'Level Up! Learned Lit2"? I'm all for trying new things, but why does each new game in the series require us to learn some crazy skill-set Ouija-board thing every time we hit a new level?

"Every time you win a fight, you'll receive XP, AP, JP and Gil. You can then Junction AP and JP to your GF thereby allowing you to...Squall? Squall are you listening to me? Are...are your ears bleeding?"