Saturday, September 20, 2014

Let's Celebrate Dependence Day!

Turns out breaking up is harder tae dae than anybody in Scotland thought. Yesterday, voters in the United Kingdom's hat decided to continue under the iron-fisted rule of the British Parliament instead of going it alone. And that's cool I guess.
Above: Hat in blue. 
Pictured: British camouflage, late 1700's.
If you look carefully, you might
be able to spot the soldiers.
The whole process was way the hell more civilized than say, dumping tea in the harbor and taking up arms against garishly dressed English troops, but now that it's over, aren't things going to be a bit awkward? I mean, the vote was 55-45. That's a lot of bummed out Scots who came within caber tossing distance of an independent Scotland only to have their bag-pipes deflated at the last possible moment by-wow, hey sorry about all the tired stereotypes, I'm an American who went to public school, so my understanding of places that aren't the U.S. is kind of limited. I'll stop.

"Hey, just to show there's no hard feelings,
I'm taking everyone out for Fro-yo."

-Ulysses S. Grant, 1865
What I'm trying to say is that no matter where you come down on the whole independence thing, you've got to admit that this was a close vote between two completely understandable points of view, and it's not going to be easy going back to work next week with people who didn't vote your way. Like here in America, we flip out at each other over stupid shit like Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays, or how many guns people should be allowed to take to Chipotle. Thursday's referendum was about whether or not their country should be its own country. So now what do they do?

For the time being, Scottish people can look forward to a hilariously named consolation prize, devo-max (a bunch of expanded powers for the Scottish Parliament), but it's not quite the same thing as blue-faced freedom (sorry, last one, I promise).
For the winners: delicious cupcakes.
For the losers: cupcakes, but they'll
taste kind of like defeat. Also vanilla.
What? Have you ever even tasted chicken
 tikka masala? God save the Queen, man.
On the other hand, being part of Great Britain can't be all that bad. They have a democratic system of government, decent schools and a high standard of living. Of course self determination is always going to win out over-oh, also they have healthcare, a strong currency and are well respected on the international stage. But still, being in charge of one's own destiny is certainly preferable to-did I mention that they have amazing Indian food and Doctor Who? Um, is it too late to sign up?

Anyway, hang tight Scotland. You've waited 300 years, a few more won't hurt. Until then, smile, pretend to enjoy whatever the hell Branston Pickle is supposed to be and then, when the time is right, blamo: tea in the harbor. They never see it coming, trust us.
Um, but maybe you could skip the racist disguises... 

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