Friday, September 5, 2014

Ten things I hate about Furk

"What part of 'gay people made me
hire a prostitute' don't you understand?"
Sorry marriage equality fans, it's time to pack it in. It turns out that the increasing social and legal acceptance of same-sex marriage is actually going to "...undercut the norm of sexual fidelity in marriage..." Yup, that's right, gay marriage will make married straight people cheat on their partners. Science says so. This comes as welcome news for people in opposite-sex relationships who have been having unprotected, anonymous sex for years with multiple partners and don't quite know how to explain the open sores and persistent crotch itch to their spouses.

"You just had to have marriage
equality, didn't you?"
And that's just one of the Family Research Council's (or FRC, remember the Furks?) Ten Arguments from Social Sciences Against Same-Sex Marriage. Of course, they're not so much arguments as they are unsupported homophobic assertions that letting gay people get married will cause the collapse of civilization and the extinction of the human race, but tomato to-mah-to, right? On the surface, it all sounds pretty cockamamie, but if anyone's got their finger on the pulse of the social sciences it's the Family Research Council. After all, research is their middle name.

What? They said a number
of studies. Zero is a number.
I mean, it's not like they'd just make up a bunch of bullshit and call it research, right? Here's what either Mat Staver or possibly Matt Barber (co-hosts of the Faith and Freedom Radio) show have to say:

"...we know this to be the case...a number of studies have shown that uh, same-sex, particularly homosexual males, simply monogamy isn't part of the equation."

-I don't know which Matt that is,
but they both sound like dicks

See? There you have it, a number of studies have shown that gay people ruin everything. We just can't argue with facts like that...

Or can notn't we? I'm going to say yes...I think. I'm not really sure can notn't means, but I am fairly certain we can argue with a couple of douches whose only experience with the social sciences comes from Leviticus.
"Yeah, listen Nicole, the guys that wrote this were a bunch of misogynistic old men living in the bronze age.
Do you think maybe you could stop holding this up as justification for treating gay people like shit?
"How else are we supposed to back up
our ridiculous claims? With 'facts'?"

-The Family Research Council
If you haven't already, check out their list. It's totally supported by scientific research. Well, except when said research disagrees with the point they want to make. Here's what Dr. Kyle Pruett from Yale had to say about anti-gay groups using his research:

"They were cherry picking research for their own purposes--they would have seen that my research doesn't support their conclusions at all."

-Dr. Kyle Pruett, calling bullshit on groups
like FRC for misusing his research

Scholarly research is a long, painstaking
process. So like, why bother when you
can just make shit up about gay people?
Also, Eleanor MacCoby's book, The Two Sexes: Growing Up Apart, Coming Together, is cited as supporting the assertion that children need both a mother and a father to be healthy. But this amicus brief prepared by the American Sociological Association in support of the Supreme Court's decision to throw out DOMA, specifically calls out the use of MacCoby's work as disingenuous as her research only dealt with opposite-sex parents and has nothing to do with same-sex couples. Turns out research isn't so hard after all. 

Look, I'm not a social scientist or a law student or anything, I'm just some jerk with a blog about sci-fi and jizz-wailing who spent 10 minutes Googling the FRC's bibliography. Whoever wrote their list is like a college student who just copy/pastes their term paper off of Wikipedia and assumes their professor's too stupid to figure it out. Scooby and the Mystery Gang could have cracked this case. Without Velma.
My research indicates that Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, 
can only become sexually aroused by starving kittens and them forcing them to fight.
(Source: Dr. Smarty McResearchington, University of Your Mom's House Press, 1997)

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