Monday, September 8, 2014

Yes, Telepathy!

So if you're anything like me, you enjoy communicating with others but are sick of having to form words with your mouth like some kind of caveman. Well that's all about to change. Scientists from Harvard University have invented telepathy. Yes, goddamn telepathy.
Pictured: two hyper-evolved energy beings fighting a mind-war with
psionic lightning bolts. Not pictured: what telepathy actually looks like.
Above: Yeah, one of those things, but
probably not made out of a colander. I hope.
The scienceticians in question hooked someone up to an EEG machine (see right) in India, and had them think really hard about the words 'hola' and 'ciao.' The machine then picked up on their brainwaves, converted them into a file and emailed that to three other test subjects in France. There, the file was then translated into light pulses which flashed in the subjects' peripheral vision and I guess made them think 'hola' and 'ciao,' uh, somehow. Sorcery probably. The point is, some geographically-challenged scientists spent a shit-load of grant money to say 'hello' to three people in France in like every language but french, and they did it all the way from India using science.

"Muzjiks? That can't be a real word-
Wah? No, no, I'm totally listening
to, uh, crazy muzhik..."
Sure, yeah, they could have just called their colleagues in France using their phones or Skype or something, but they did it with their minds and that's kind of awesome. Well, in theory. I suppose there's a decent chance that in the future, everyone could be using this breakthrough to telepathically text or check their email without other people knowing. Like you could be sitting there thinking that you're having a conversation with someone when really they're playing Words With Friends with their minds and occasionally chiming in with 'uh-huh' and 'oh, yeah, I know, right?' just to make you think they're paying attention. God, what a dick this hypothetical future brain-texter is. I don't know why you even hang out with them.

Anyway, there's almost certainly some non-future dick applications for the technology. People who've lost the ability to speak for example, may finally be able to communicate with the outside world through direct-yeah, who am I kidding? We're like a decade away from Apple iBrain and a barrage of frontal lobe advertising. Enjoy!
"My new iBrain? Oh, it's great. Right now, I'm communicating telepathically with my sister in 
Baltimore, buying a book off Amazon and watching a YouTube video of a baby goat. Yup, the flood
of information is's pretty constant. I can't...uh, can't even turn it off...hey, anyone got an icepick?"

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