Let's take the bait!

Above: I reiterate: no. 

Um, no. Just no. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to suggest that this thing isn't real but instead an elaborate hoax. Like maybe this is all part of somebody's plan to incite outrage and then have a good laugh at how ridiculous everyone who is upset by this is. Well slow clap to you Mr. (or Ms.) Tasteless Sweatshirt Hoax Mastermind. Huh? Oh, you don't know what the hell I'm talking about? That's fair. Here's the link. And because you're not really going to click on anything I tell you to anyway, here's another link to whatever sort of internet pornography you find the most arousing. Ha! That was a trick-wait, did you click on it? Ok, click on the porn link. Ha! There, I cleverly tricked you into reading the thing that I'm talking about-you didn't click, did you? Goddamnit.

You know, with electroreceptors in their snouts.
 Haven't you ever bought anything on eBay?

Fine, here, I'll explain: if you clicked on the link, you'd be reading a story about Urban Outfitters and their $129 Kent State sweatshirt. Yeah, $129. Holy shit Urban Outfitters, how are you still a store? Anyway, the shirt totally looks like it's splattered in blood; presumably in reference to the 1970 massacre at Kent State University. The sweatshirts quickly sold out, not because anyone actually finds them funny, but because the kind of people that buy shit just so they can sell it on eBay at a huge profit can sense collectibles the way sharks detect the distant thrashing of their prey.

Yes, even the Silvan Elves...and they're
usually good sports about this sort of thing.

But so what? I mean, everyone freaking out over this sweatshirt is kind of playing into their hands, right? Like, they do shit like this all the time, in fact, most of their Wikipedia entry is about how they routinely create controversy (re: free media attention) with their products. Behold this link. They've pissed off religious groups, people with eating disorders, LGBT groups, the Anti-Defamation League and all the races. All of them, even the fictional ones.

My issue with this particularly shameless attention grab is not so much the unforgivably cynical exploitation of human suffering, but the masterfully empty non-apology they issued in response to criticisms:

Pictured: what they're
doing, but with words.

"Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such. The one-of-a-kind item was purchased as part of our sun-faded vintage collection. There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray. Again, we deeply regret that this item was perceived negatively and we have removed it from our website to avoid further upset."

-Urban Outfitters

explaining that we're all idiots

and need to stop whining

We are saddened...was purchased...this item was perceived negatively. The passive voice and blame transference contained within the text are an opus. It somehow manages to have a net-responsibility quotient of -3. In fact, just by looking at it the reader is legally more at fault than Urban Outfitter. Whoever wrote this was a goddamn wizard.

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Public Relationship Managers,
for they are shameless and quick to bullshit."

-Steve, Public Relationship Manager

Urban Outfitters Inc. 

Here, let's take it apart, slippery sentence by slippery sentence. You may want to shower afterwards:

Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. - Your delicate sensibilities and not our soulless publicity stunt, are the reason you're angry.

It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such. - What? Kent State? Never heard of it. Also, shut up.

The one-of-a-kind item was purchased as part of our sun-faded vintage collection. - What part of sun-faded don't you understand? Your problem is with the G-Type star we're orbiting, go cry to it or whatever. We don't care.

There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. - You're an idiot and will buy whatever we tell you, both figuratively and literally.

The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray. - We just found these, like in a box or something. Who knows how they got like that? That'll be $129...fucking idiots...

Again, we deeply regret that this item was perceived negatively and we have removed it from our website to avoid further upset. - Again, this whole thing is basically your fault. Oh, and now you can't buy one even if you wanted to. Pussies...

Or everyone could just, I don't know,
 stop shopping there? I mean they are
objectively terrible people. Like awful.

Look, I get that this kind of controversy is nothing but awesome for Urban Outfitters. Their company's name is all over the news and now everyone's going to keep checking the website to see what horrible thing they'll do next. Great. But at the very least they could do us the courtesy of respecting our intelligence and admitting that this was a dick move. Like seriously: try something like this: Sorry everybody, that was a pretty asshole thing to do. Our bad. Anyway, check out our website. Uh, assuming you're affluent and attractive that is.