Today in not totally unearned stereotypes...

So is anyone else a little unsettled by the idea of a church police force? In Alabama? With guns? Like, am I being unfair?

"Blessed is he who aims for center mass."

Glock Chapter 3, verse 2

"If there are no more questions pertaining to
SB193, and not my name, I move that we vote."

-Jabo Wagoner

Probably, but still...the Alabama law, which just passed the State Senate and is moving on to the House, authorizes Briarwood Presbyterian Church in Birmingham to employ its own police officers with all the duties and powers of regular police officers, but whose jurisdiction is limited to the Church's property. On the surface the bill, SB193, written by State Senator Jabo Wagoner-wait, yeah, that's real, Jabo Wagoner. Anyway, the bill sounds kind of reasonable, like, they'd basically be security guards except with full police powers, sort of like universities that have their own cops. 

Pictured: what comes to mind anytime
the phrase 'southern cop' is mentioned.

So why does this make me feel all, you know, judgy? Because Alabama, that's why. It's a state kind of famous for that combination of Jesus and guns that just doesn't sit well with NPR-loving, ACLU mailing list blue-staters like myself. Armed church cops just totally plays into the narrative of corrupt good ol'boy authority figures in the South who will pull you over just for having out-of-state plates and then adds a hint of Iranian religious police. And speaking of, if this was a mosque that wanted to have its own police force, wouldn't everybody be loosing their shit?

"It's only religious fundamentalism
when non-white people do it."

-Alabama Lawmakers

Yes, indeed they would. Alabama is one of seven States with Anti-Sharia law legislation on the books. How come? Irrational fear that's how come. Somehow legislators got the idea in their head that Alabama was just a couple of years away from a takeover by radical Islamic fundamentalists who, despite somehow rising to power in the heart of freaking Dixie would not only try to impose Sharia law, but would be thwarted by some reactionary piece of legislation. So why is this ok? Again, because Alabama I guess.

I suppose it's possible that I'm just coming at this with my own baggage, but doesn't Birmingham have like, you know, their own cops? So why does this church need their own police force answerable only to them? And why are more guns the answer to an already dangerous, gun-filled world? And besides, this is Alabama, isn't everyone in church already armed?

Above: a negative, but not entirely unearned stereotype.

Today in richly deserved internet scorn...

Did you see this shit about the overbooked United Airlines flight? If not, click this. Of course you could just wait for me to sum up, I think we both know I'm going to but you might want to check out the video.

Because there is nothing, literally nothing
about air travel that isn't an infuriating ordeal.

"My name is Allen, and I would be your
server, but our computer has randomly
selected you to leave the restaurant."

So airlines do this thing called overbooking where they sell more tickets than they have seats on a given flight. It sounds pretty bullshit and I can't think of another industry that does it too, but here we are. Anyway, United oversold a flight from Chicago to Louisville Kentucky but then, oh shit, realized that they need room for four United employees and so they asked for volunteers to give up their seats in exchange for hotel rooms, a flight the next day and money. When no one took them up on it they announced that 4 passengers would be randomly selected by a computer and asked to get off.

'Fly the friendly skies!'

-United's now clearly

ironic slogan

Ok, so say run you an airline, and through your own poor planning found have yourself needing to get four people to give up their seats. So you offer them an alternative flight, accommodations and money. Cool. But no one's going for it, so what are you going to do? Offer more money? More free flights? Or are you going to randomly boot four people, by force, from the flight they paid for. If you said money or flights, congratulations, you understand how to be a person. If you said forcible removal, congratulations you're United Airlines.

Most of the selectees went peacefully except for a doctor who needed to be at work in a hospital the next day. When he refused, they called in the Chicago P.D. to drag him kicking and screaming off the flight. Holy shit.

I'm unclear as to what kind of doctor the passenger is or why it was so urgent that he be back
at the hospital on Monday, so let's assume he exclusively treats adorable children with puppies.

Is no one at United familiar with the
internet or how it's mostly outrage now?

Sounds terrible, right? Yes it does. But the hilarious part was when the United Airlines staff collectively forgot that it's 2017 and everything has a built in camera and everyone has a Twitter account. So now United is hunkering down for a richly deserved a shitstorm of negative press. Not only for their treatment of the doctor but for the Omega-level stupidity it takes to think everyone both on the flight and on the internet would be on their side about this. United's CEO offered a sort of apology saying:

Pictured: the real victims here.
Notice how unsettled everyone looks.

"This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United. I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Out team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened. We are also reaching out to this passenger to talk directly to him and further address and resolve this situation."

-Oscar Munoz, master of

the corporate non-apology

I'm going to go ahead and say that this
passenger had a worse day yesterday than
anyone on United's staff. Monday however...

I say sort of apology because if you read it, no where is he actually apologizing for delaying a plane full of people for three hours while the cops decide how best to force a 69 year-old doctor out of his seat and chuck him off the plane all because United fucked up their own scheduling. Instead he tells us how upsetting it was for United's staff. Munoz does say that he is sorry for having to re-accommodate customers, but that's not really accepting responsibility for un-accomodating them in the first place.

For real. It took me like three seconds.

Oh and if you did watch the video, you might have heard a helpful passenger point out that United could rent their staff a car and drive them to Louisville. So I Google mapped it and yeah, the flight is an hour and ten minutes whereas driving is four and a half hours. Since it took three hours of sitting at the gate for this PR disaster to unfold, it seems like United probably could have been a little smarter about this.

Look, I'm not like an airline CEO, and I certainly don't want to tell Oscar Munoz how to do his job, but it kind of seems like the classy thing to do here would have been to fire everyone responsible for this, offer an unqualified apology and I don't know, free flights for life for the doctor, and then apologize to every one else on the flight and on the internet for assuming that we're all idiots and would believe that United's gate agent's computer has some kind of random passenger selector for kicking people off their flights due to corporate stupidity.

"Commodore's new Vic-20 personal computer can randomly select airline
passengers for removal in half the time it take to destroy your company's public image."

-Noted actor, singer/songwriter William Shatner

The Official State Stereotype of Texas

In what has to be the Texiest Texas move ever, State Senator Don Huffines' bill to make the cannon the official gun of Texas has passed through committee and may soon be law. How come? Because Texas really, really loves cannons.

Pictured: The University of Texas at Austin's football team, the Texas Longhorns,
firing Smokey the Cannon, a replica Civil War-era cannon. I would have thought that using
 a cannon at a football game would be cheating, but then I don't know much about sports.

A statue commemorating Eberly skipping
the petition step and moving right on to setting
off a Howitzer to make your voice heard.

So yeah, an official gun of Texas. In a totally valid use of legislative time, the Democratic lawmaker drafted-yeah, I'm kidding, he's a Republican. Had you going for a minute there, didn't I? Anyway, Huffines drafted the resolution back in January and in it cites the cannon's role in Texas history from the Texas Revolution to the Alamo to that time an elderly innkeeper named Angelina Eberly fired one off to protest the transfer of the Texas National Archives from Austin to Houston during Texas' brief existence as Republic. It was all part of the Archive War, which I think might be the only armed conflict ever fought over goddamn filing.

Oh, and if Don Huffines' name sounds familiar to you, it might be because he was kind of a dick a few months back when he laid into a kid over school vouchers. The student suggested that vouchers, which Huffines supports, would just subsidize rich kids going to private schools, but would do jack shit to help low-income students. Huffines' responded with "You want to give them a full tuition? That is the most selfish thing I've ever heard." Which, wait, he knows what selfish, means, right?

"My tone may have been regrettable, but if poor kids attend exclusive schools
and break the cycle of poverty, who will fill the menial, tedious jobs of the future?"

-Don Huffines,

man of the people

Above: that time in Texas's long, colorful
history when they seceded and fought
for the pro-slavery Confederacy...

Anyway, back to making the cannon the official state gun. You might be asking yourself, why? Well, according to Huffiness' resolution:

"Whereas throughout the long and colorful history of Texas the cannon has been an important weapon in the states fight for liberty and independence as well as a symbol of the defiance and determination of its people..."

-Don Huffines, on how cannons

are totally neat and stuff

Huh, you know, I've only driven through
Nebraska, but yeah, I can see that... 

So cannons are an important symbol of Texan history and defiance and whatever. But do they really need a whole law about it? Yes, apparently. You see, States have all kinds of meaningless symbols, recognized by law. Like, did you know that the California Consolidated Drum Band is the Official State Drum and Fife Corps? Or that the Official State Beverage of Nebraska is milk? Does that mean you can't have a glass of water or enjoy the fifing and drumming of California's other fine drum and fife corps, like Mountain Fife and Drums or The Young Patriots, whom I totally looked up?

Above: raising a Bowie Knife monument
in Bowie, Texas. No, I wish I was kidding.

No, of course it doesn't. These official state whatevers are pointless wastes of lawmaker's time, especially considering they have bigger issues to tackle, like say, oh, I don't know, educational accessibility for low-income students? But I think the bigger question on everybody's mind here, is if the cannon is Texas' Official State Gun, what about other weapons like the Colt Walker pistol or the bowie knife? Well, don't worry, there're laws in the works recognizing those as the official handgun and knife respectively. Yes, Texas may soon have an official state knife, because to stab someone with anything else would just be un-Texan.

"This really is a proud day, for all of us."

-Some cannon

Alright look, if it sounds like I'm picking on Texas for living up to some negative stereotype of it being a state-full of cowboy hat-wearing conservatives who care more about heaping honors and recognition upon inanimate siege weapons of the 19th century than they do about providing decent educations for underprivileged children, uh...well, I am, but I'm also picking on any state that's expending money and time on meaningless resolutions when our entire democracy seems to be crashing down around us.

That said, Pennsylvania is considering making the chocolate chip cookie the official cookie of Pennsylvania despite the existence of and objective superiority of oatmeal cookies. So if you live in the Keystone State, please, please write your representatives. It'll help make up for the way you guys voted in the '16 election. Note I said: 'help.'

Come on Pennsylvania, don't let us down again.

Better living through insignificance...

Happy First Contact Day everyone! Yes, today is the day we celebrate the day 46 years from now when, according to the movie/documentary/portent of the future Star Trek: First Contact, a Vulcan survey ship will plunk down in the backwoods of Montana to make first contact with the guy from Babe.

"So you're aliens who look just like humans but with pointy ears
and robes. Huh...the universe is surprisingly budget conscious..."

-Zefram Cochrane

You hear that universe? The Earth is ripe
for the picking! And our puny weapons are
no match for your advanced technology!

The film/oracle further suggests that this momentous occasion will show our savage, backwards species how insignificant we truly are in the grand scheme of things and compel us to unite as one big happy planet and put our violent, petty tendencies behind us once and for all. So like, any day now guys. I mean, with our climate spinning wildly out of control, North Korea lobbing missiles into the sea of Japan and an orange game show host recklessly poking China just for funsies, we could probably use an intervention or even a conquering. I mean, they couldn't screw it up any worse than we have.

Yes, like Tesla owners, but with the ability
to harness matter/anti matter reactions.

In the movie, the Vulcans were ignoring us all this time because we hadn't figured out warp travel and they're apparently technology snobs. Sure, we're still murdering each other and engaging in petty squabbles over land and money and aliens probably obey some kind of non-interference directive, but if all but if all they have to do is beam down, flash a Vulcan salute and we'll all start getting along in peace and harmony, what's the hold up? They're actually monsters for not doing it.

Anyway, it's probably pretty naive to assume that the mere arrival of technologically advanced aliens will be enough to make us get over murdery tendencies, and it's also probably not a great idea to pin all our hopes for peace on to the mathematically insignificant chance that alien contact that will save us form ourselves. But at least we can celebrate the reason for the season by taking 20% off Star Trek merchandise on the Star Trek website. Yes, seriously. I guess that's another holiday ruined by commercialism.

"Ruined? Or made awesome?"

-Quark, son of Keldar

The important thing is that they started it...

Just so we're all on the same page, this whole nuclear option thing really is the GOP's fault. Everyone gets that right? The Republicans totally started this whole stand off over filling Scalia's seat. Specifically this Republican:

Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority leader and noted human-turtle hybrid.*

Above: President Obama exercising his
typical executive overreach by nominating
a Supreme Court Justice. What a jerk...

So if you've been, I don't know, avoiding the news lately in the hopes of preserving whatever sanity you might have left, I'll sum up: Way back in February of 2016 Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died which meant President Obama got to nominate a replacement, which he did. A judge called Merrick Garland. But then Mitch McConnell (seen above trying to retreat into his shell), citing a precedent that he just goddamn made up, decided that the Senate wouldn't even hold a hearing on Merrick. His ridiculous argument being that the next President should get to fill the seat, you know, so the people can have a say?

Which we, you know, did when we elected Obama. Twice. With a majority of the popular vote. Something Donald Trump in no way had. Unless of course you don't count all the illegal voters he tells himself cheated him out of a popular victory so he can sleep at night.

Pictured: the haunted face of a man who totally believes he belongs in that chair.
Yup, not the slightest doubt that maybe he's a fraud and we all know it...

I don''t know, look, I'm not a
theologian so let's say Gamera? 

Anyway, McConnell vowed unto his mighty turtle god that Obama would never exercise his constitutional power to nominate a new Supreme Court nominee and now, one year and one long, seemingly endless ordeal of an election later, Donald Trump's nominee, Neil Gorsuch is awaiting a vote and Democrats have promised to do everything they can to block him even going so far as to filibuster. Not out of revenge mind you, although who would blame them? Nope, but because the President is currently under investigation by the House, the Senate and the FBI for, you know, colluding with Russian intelligence.

Yeah. That's pretty much it.

So anyway, back to the nuclear thing. The Republicans have the option to either wait until the investigation is over and maybe be sure that the former head of the KGB didn't get to fill the seat on our Supreme Court by proxy which, I mean holy shit, how are they ok with that? Don't they like, worship Ronald Reagan and pine for the days when the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. teetered on the brink of mutually assured destruction? Do they hate Hillary Clinton that much?

Or and this seems like the more likely scenario, they can change the rules forever so that they just need a simple majority to confirm Gorsuch. A short-sighted move with lasting reprecussions that just might (absolutely will) bite them in the ass someday. Could they possibly be this blindly vindictive? 

"Dah. How you say...bingo?"

-The ex-KGB guy that basically 

picked our President for us

"Meep meep meep."

-Beaker, not reminding me

of Mitch McConnell at all

*Yes, a turtle. A low blow, I know, picking on a person's physical appearance. But you know what's also kind of shitty? Using delaying tactics to screw President Obama out of a Supreme Court nominee and then insulting everyone's intelligence by insisting that you're just looking out for the people. That was pretty weak, so turtle. Turtle, turtle, turtle turtle. Huh? Yeah, he does kind of look like Beaker from the Muppets too, but I wouldn't want to draw the comparison. I have far to much respect for the art of Muppetry. 

Ball's in your court George Takei!

Speaking of Star Trek and April Fool's Day...huh? Yes I was, like earlier today. Anyway, is anyone else glad April Fool's Day is over? Because I really, really hate having to be suspicious of everything I read on the internet. I mean, moreso.

"This just in, Hillary Clinton murders puppies."

-The 'News' site all your friends shared

on Facebook during the campaign that

was not-so secretly Russian propaganda

Above: The President shaving Vince
McMahon's head during Wrestlemania.

Like take George Takei for example. On Friday which, mind you was not April Fool's Day, he announced that he and his husband would be moving to Devin Nunes' district so he could run against him and win his seat in Congress. I totally bought it. After all, Takei ran for Los Angeles City Council back in the 70's and has been politically active like his entire life. Besides Al Franken is in Congress and is awesome. And may I remind you that we live in a world where both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse the Body Ventura have been governors? Also, you know, The President...

With the combined power of Sulu and
and Samantha Micelli behind him, no
force on earth can stop Jon Ossoff!

So a celebrity running for office? Plausible. George Takei, who is already in to politics and has a history of running for office now announcing that he is, in fact, running for office? Super-plausible. None of this sounds that out there, so imagine my surprise when on Saturday Takei announced that it was all an April Fool's joke and he did it as a way to draw attention to an actual congressional challenger, Jon Ossoff who's running for Tom Price's seat. Ossoff, a thirty-year-old Democrat not only has an early lead but also the support of Takei, Democratic leadership, and Alyssa Milano, so if you live Georgia's sixth district please, please, go elect the shit out of him.

Ok, so vote Ossoff. That said, let's talk about George Takei. Obviously he ranks highly in the pantheon of nerddom, and he, in my eyes, can do no wrong, but for real. First of all, pulling an April Fool's prank on March 31st is totally cheating. Secondly, the prank was not only completely a thing that could happen, but a thing that should happen. Nay, must happen. Look, I'm not saying he's let us down, George Takei would never do that, but he's put it out there and now I say let's make this real. Anyone know how to do a Kickstarter?

With Takei pushing 80, it's seeming increasingly less and less likely that
we'll ever get to see Star Trek: The Adventures of Captain Sulu, but that
doesn't mean would couldn't have The Adventures of Representative Takei. 

Today in dubious casting choices...

Huh...April Fool's Day has come and gone and this is apparently real. Yeah, buckle up nerds, because I'm about to use the internet as God intended: as a forum for voicing my opinions about Star Trek.

Pictured: Star Trek fans are the very bedrock of
the internet. Well, trekkies and porn. Ok, mostly porn.

At this point, their super power
is not being able to take a hint.

So if you didn't click, I'm explain. Rainn Wilson, the actor probably most famous for playing Dwight on U.S. version of The Office has joined the cast of Star Trek: Discovery. And yes, if you haven't already heard there's going to be a new Star Trek series. And I say it's about time, it's just not right that we live in a world where they've brought back Twin Peaks, X-Files, 24, Prison Break and even goddamn Heroes for some reason, but we haven't seen a new Star Trek episode since 2005.

Pictured: That time Kirk and Spock
teamed up with with Abraham Lincoln
to fight Genghis Khan. No, seriously.

Anyway, Wilson is more than just Dwight, but an actual actor with a long and successful career so if I sound a little incredulous about his role on Discovery understand that it's because of his part and not because of him as an actor. Ready? Brace yourself, because Rainn Wilson is playing Harcourt Fenton Mudd. I'll take your stunned silence as either confusion or-well, probably confusion, so I'll explain. Harry Mudd is a character from the original series and was probably one of the campier elements from that show's short, camp-filled, three season existence.

It's a wacky romp through the
funny side of human trafficking. 

Mudd is sort of a space conman, who despite living in the money-less economy of the 23rd century Federation, makes his living bilking people out of their space credits or whatever. He shows up twice on the show, and both appearances are the stuff of 1960's TV misogyny legend. In his first appearance he's delivering some mail-order brides to lonely miners and pumping them full of future pills that make them pretty. In the end we learn that the pills are bullshit and that confidence is all women need to land a man. Oy.

"Women, right? Can't live with'em,
can't shove in a stasis tube."

-Star Trek's writers circa 1968

He shows up again in season 2 having become the ruler/prisoner of a planet full of androids which he uses to capture Kirk and his crew. In the end, Kirk defeats him and as punishment strands Mudd on the planet with five-hundred robot versions of Mrs. Mudd to nag him for all eternity. Holy shit Star Trek, I mean, holy shit. Mudd even pops up on the animated series hawking some kind of love potion which he tricks Nurse Chapel into using on Spock. So despite being a medical professional and a highly trained Star Fleet officer, Chapel is powerless to control her irrational female urges and ruffies Mr. Spock. Because women.

Again, no beef with Rainn Wilson, but holy shit what are they thinking bringing back Harry Mudd? I'm sure he would be great at playing him sleazy, but I'm also not sure they could have found a more dated, problematic character to reboot particularly given the criticism the series has already attracted. Anyway, I guess we'll just have to wait (indefinitely) to see. Oh, and I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I kind of predicted this back in 2011:

Above: proof that I'm a goddamned prophet.