Don't worry, somebody got rich off of this.

Hey, good news everybody, it looks like our society might not be collapsing into a Mad Maxian dystopia of dune buggies and mutants. At least not this week.

Sorry guys, check back in a couple of months...

"Yes, the shutdown was difficult for 
everybody, but what about my needs?"

-Speaker Boehner

Apparently, a deal's been worked out in the Senate that would fund the government through January 15th and raise the debt ceiling until February 7th. What happens then? I guess we get to do this all over again. We should probably use this reprieve to try and fix the flaws in our system of government that allowed a fringe faction of an unpopular party to bring the entire country to its knees, but luckily for the GOP, we all have a short memory. Oh, and not that this wasn't fun and all, but do you think that maybe next time John Boehner is feeling under appreciated we could all just chip in and get him a cookie cake or a trip to Carvel or something? It might save us a lot of grief in the long run.

Hurray.

You know who wasn't worried for a minute though? Investors. Sure, the shutdown brought our economy to the brink of another global disaster, cut off vital government services, in some cases threatening the lives of seriously ill children and probably cost us what little credibility we had left in the world, but it's not like there wasn't a bright side. The hardest working Americans, investors, made out like goddamn bandits. How? I don't know, sorcery probably. Wall Street has always been kind of a mystery to me.

Pictured: investing.

As I understand it (which is to say, not very well at all), investors parlay their already considerable wealth into even vaster sums by trading theoretical shares of companies. It's sort of like having a job, except instead of getting up and doing things in exchange for money, you can sleep in, while your money makes itself. Anyway, when investors are confident in the economy they buy stock, when they're not confident, they don't and our civilization careens closer to total collapse. And careen it did.


So while we were all waiting with baited breath to see whether or not a deal could be worked out, Wall Street was betting that the House and Senate wouldn't just let us default on our debts. Through the douchey alchemy that is the stock market, this raised the DOW a couple hundred points thus making those least affected by the shutdown even richer than they were when this whole things started. It kind of makes it all seem worthwhile. Or, you know, the opposite of that.

What's everyone so upset about? They're just profiting
off human misery and uncertainty...

The Revolution Will Be Ill-advised!

Above: Rep. Griffith
opening his word hole.

Today in ridiculous, self-aggrandizing justifications for interfering with the democratic process:

"I will remind you that this group of renegades that decided that they wanted to break from the crown in 1776 did great damage to the economy of the colonies...They created the greatest nation and the best form of government, but they did damage to the economy in the short run."

-Representative Morgan Griffith,

Republican from Virginny

Really? House Republicans shutting down the government and threatening to plunge the country, and possibly the world into another economic catastrophe reminds him of the Revolutionary War? That's really interesting because it reminds me of a bunch of Tea Party shitmerchants throwing a tantrum because they don't like Obamacare. 

"Onward lads! We fight for freedom, liberty and  
the repeal of the 2.3% tax on the sale of medical devices!"

-Brigadier General Kaiser Permanente,

Continental Army, April, 1778

Everything this woman has ever
said in her life, for instance.

I suppose you could argue that the American Revolution was little more than rich, land owning, white guys throwing everything into chaos because they didn't want to pay taxes, so on a really cynical level, Griffith sort of has a point, but after that the comparison kind of falls apart. The American colonists didn't have a voice in the way they were being governed so they rebelled and formed their own government. The Republicans on the other hand totally have a voice, except that they use it to say stupid, backwards shit (see left), so we voted them out.

We can do that thanks to the colonists and the government they set up: the one Griffith called the 'best form of government' and the very same one the GOP is completely undermining with the shutdown. I'm not sure the American Revolution is really the analogy he should be reaching for.

"The Patriots during the Revolutionary War? Well, with respect to representative Griffith,
I don't think that's a fair comparison. We're more like Jesus. If you recall, He died because He
believed that the free market should determine who should and who should not get cancer treatment."

-House Speaker John Boehner*

I guess they're saving us from having to
 fill out health insurance forms...hurray?

What's really terrifying about Griffith's comment is the way he sounds like he's trying to soften up the ground for the damage defaulting on our loans will do to the economy. Like he's totally cool with it. Sure, the Revolution screwed up the economy of the colonies, but those guys were fighting for freedom from tyranny, the GOP is fighting against a law that makes health insurance affordable. Like, do they really think we're going to give them a parade for that?

Pictured: Morgan Griffith marching in the first ever Shutdown Day Parade.
Although, the only real hero I see here is a braided leather belt.

*Speaker Boehner may not have actually said this. I mean he might have, I don't know, anything's possible. He does come out with some crazy shit.

It's Federation Day 2013!

Hey everybody, it's October 11th, and you know what that means, right? Yup, it's National Coming Out Day and Federation Day, so if you're gay and a trekkie you get two presents.

He owns this day.

In New York you can legally punch
someone in the face for saying climate
change is a hoax. Punch. In the face.

Still don't know what the hell Federation Day is? Fine, here, read these: (2010, 2011, 2012), I'll wait. With me now? Federation Day is the holiest day of the Geek Orthodox calendar, as it is on this date, in 148 years, that our planet will join the United Federation of Planets: a fashion-challenged utopian society filled with amazing technology that will solve all of our problems. But 148 years is a ways off, so what are we supposed to do until then? Well, according to science, moving inland would be a good idea for a lot of us.

But Star Trek is about a bright, implausibly optimistic future, and since there's a decent chance we'll all be dead by the time it rolls around, I propose we start living in it today. How? I'm glad I pretended you asked. Here're some 21st century ways to party like it's 2299, you know, before we're all swept out to sea:

Look, I made a thing! And it
only took me 74 hours!

Replicate things! In the future, whatever you want can be instantly yours thanks to replicators, which convert energy into matter, and get this: they're sort of already here. In the 21st century we call them 3D printers and they're the first step towards a post-scarcity society in which all our needs will be met by a magic wall slot. Of course, instead of creating objects out of energy, 3D printers build things out of polymers or metal powder. Anything you can imagine and then break down into a precise 3D computer model can be extruded before your very eyes, one layer at a time...over many, many hours.

Anyway, we can also look forward to replicators simultaneously solving both our garbage and energy problems. You see, not only will they convert energy into matter, but they'll also convert matter into energy. On the Enterprise, the replicators take leftover food, broken equipment, even the waste generated by the crew and turn it into energy which in turn powers the replicators.

Yeah Jean-Luc, the computer didn't just pull the
atoms for your Earl Grey tea out of thin air. Future!

Pictured: proof that we,
as a species, are doomed. 

Get assimilated! According to Star Trek, one of the greatest threats we'll face in the future is the Borg, an unstoppable civilization of cyborgs who want to make us part of their hive mind. Yeah, it sounds terrible at first, but in real life people love hive minds. Ask yourself how much time you spend online every day, and then add to that the 20 or 30 times a day you check your phone to see if anyone texted you or if anyone responded to your stupid 'if you're really my friend you'll re-post this' status update. Now multiply that figure by 4, because you're probably lying. See? Welcome to the collective.

Sure, becoming a Borg will strip you of your individuality and link you to a collective consciousness where you can't even escape into the privacy of your own thoughts but if you take a close look at the user agreement on Facebook, you'll see we're pretty much there already. All that's left is the cyborg arm.

Today is Three of Six's birthday. Send him a Starbucks gift certificate?

A real-life holodeck that plays Halo?
Now you'll never have to face reality!

Get a holodeck! Ok, so like the replicators, holograms aren't quite up to 24th century standards, but check out this 'proof of concept' video for Illumiroom. It's an Xbox One with a projector and a Kinect (the always-on camera Microsoft wants to use to conduct valuable market research on your gaming and masturbation habits), which scans the room and then projects images that can interact with your environment.

It can extend the game beyond the confines of the screen and even mess with your environment by projecting an image of your living room over itself and then distorting it. It sounds pretty cool, and while it's not an immersive holographic environment with total freedom of movement and solid objects made out of light and force fields, it's also not going to gain sentience and try to murder you. I'd call that a plus.

Above: Riker, thanking space-Jesus that it was Data's stupid Moriarty hologram
that took over the ship and not his program: Three-way on Tellar Prime.

Happy Federation Day everybody!

Oh, and sorry about the kind of grim tone, what with the climate doom and all. Back in the sixties when Star Trek started, all anyone worried about was nuclear war, and that turned out ok. I'm sure if we all get Nissan Leafs and someone invents cold fusion in the next couple of weeks, we'll be fine.

Let's Celebrate Leif Erikson Day!

Hey, do you know what today is? If you said Fijian Independence Day, relax, it's tomorrow. Today is Leif Erikson Day!

Pictured: Leif Erikson exploring the shit out of the North Atlantic.

"We made it! Steve, take a picture of me with
the new conti-...Steve? Steve, tell me you
didn't forget the camera...goddamit Steve!"

Wait, who whatson what now? Yeah, Leif Erikson, he was the first European known to have set foot on any part of what we now call North America and he did so hundreds of years before Christopher Columbus. Now, I know what your thinking and yes, humans did cross the Bering land bridge 13,000 years earlier on foot and without the benefit of advanced Viking cod-salting techniques, but no one back then wrote anything down or documented it so I guess it doesn't count. Incidentally, why the shit doesn't that count?

Anyway, to celebrate Erikson boldly going where generations of humans had totally gone before, Lyndon B. Johnson issued an official proclamation (which his secretary probably had to clean up a bit) making Leif Erikson Day a national holiday. This back in 1964, so why the hell we still talk about Christopher 'Kill'em All and Grab the Gold' Columbus is beyond me. 

"Gerri, take shit this down: My fellow Americans, it is with great pleasure
that I proclaim today to be goddamn Leif Erikson Day. That I-talian sonofabitch, 
Columbus, can kiss the Presidential bunghole, you hear me?"

Thanks Google, way to render the
human drive to explore obsolete.

So how does one even celebrate Leif Erikson day? Vikings are famous for going a' Viking which was a lot easier in the 11th century. Raiding the Irish coast now would probably be considered a dick move (also, an act of war). We don't get the day off, so telling heroic sagas around the campfire while getting blind drunk on mead is probably out and thanks to things like Google Earth we can't even discover new continents. So what else is there? You ask. Talk like a Viking. The whole day.

Sure, there's already a Talk Like a Pirate Day, but Vikings are objectively cooler than pirates, so really those scurvy-addled, tricorn hat-wearing, parrot-lovers can go suck a lime (which they probably should do, what with the scurvy). So what does a Viking sound like? Think the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show, but instead of spouting gibberish, we'll tell proud tales of the days before ABBA and flat pack furniture. Who's with me?

"Gather 'round and I will you tell the tale of Øläf Heädsplitter, the mighty Norse warrior
who slew King Svën The Bløøddrinker, and then feasted on his still beating heart..."

Plutonauts!

Hey, lookit this: NBC is going to air Space Race, a reality show in which contestants will compete to win a trip on Richard Branson's space plane. Cool, right? Maybe? You know, I'm not really sure how to feel about this. Yeah, winning a trip to space would be awesome, but everyone else on Virgin's Spaceship Two will be there because they handed over 200,000 space bucks for the privilege.

Pictured: An artist's rendition of what awaits space tourists.

"When I grow up, I want to be a skycap."

-Some kid, aiming high

Is that all space travel is going to be? Five minute micro-gravity joy rides for the ultra-rich? When a kid says they want to be an astronaut when they grow up, we all go awww and pretend like it's totally going to happen someday but, in reality, we all know full well that it's a pipe dream. Between the retirement of the shuttle program and increasing public apathy towards space exploration the closest that kid is going to come to boldly going is serving drinks to rich people in the space port VIP lounge or loosing their space luggage. It seems like kind of a bummer.

Above: Branson, seen here with a
naked woman he paid to cling
to him while he water skied.

Here's what the British billionaire had to say:

"Virgin Galactic's mission is to democratize space, eventually making space travel affordable and accessible to all...Space Race allows us to extend this opportunity of a life time to as many people as possible...through direct experience and television viewing"

-Sir Richard Branson, one of the people

I'm not sure this is 'democratizing space' so much as it is making contestants compete like gladiators for our amusement whilst promoting Virgin Galactic.

Look, I'm all for space exploration, and making it more accessible to everybody, but holy shit, isn't it like really hard to be an astronaut? Astronauts train for years and have to be at their best both physically and mentally, is a reality show really the best way to discover who has the right stuff? 

Flavor Flav tried unsuccessfully for three seasons to find true love
on reality TV and he's Flavor Flav. What hope is there for Space Race?

Hobb Lobb's a Holiday Snob!

"C'mon kids, find those rabbit eggs,
uh...for Jesus, I guess..."

So why doesn't Hobby Lobby carry decorations for Jewish holidays? I'm not like a business guy, but that seems kind of fakakta. Sure, I suppose Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, a holiday usually observed with fasting and prayer, probably doesn't lend itself to paper cut-outs and tinsel but that's never stopped anyone before. Somewhere along the line someone decided that Jesus punching his way out of his tomb and flying off into the sky had something to do with egg-laying bunnies and chocolate, so, I don't know, get creative.

Look everybody, it's Harry the Hanukoctopus! He brings children
a different gift in each of his eight tentacles, one for every day of Hanukah!
He climbs down your chimney and...no? Fine, you think of something.

"You're welcome ladies! Now,
don't name it after me, alright?"

But whatever, after the thing last January with the new health care law and-you don't remember? Mike Huckabee, the Chick fil-A guy stepped in, it was a whole thing. Here, click on this. Yeah, the new health care law requires employers to offer insurance that covers contraception, which I guess flies in the face of everything a company that sells pipe cleaners and glue sticks stands for, so Hobby Lobby fought and for reasons beyond understanding kind of won.

Above: Some of the people
Hobby Lobby doesn't cater to.

Anyway, back to this new thing. Check this out. A blogger named Ken Berwitz recently caught wind of Hobby Lobby's lack of Jewish holiday decorations. When a friend of his inquired as to what's up with that? she was told by a clerk: "We don't cater to you people." Holy shit, rude right? The writer himself called and was told that "Because Mr. Green is the owner of the company, he's a Christian and those are his values."  Wow, that's kind of lame. 

"We're working to reevaluate new
solutions and synergies moving forward." 

-Hobby Lobby President Steve Green

Here's the company's official, less caustic statement:

"Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. is currently working with our buyers over our merchandise selection. Our customers have brought this to our attention and we are currently evaluating our Holiday items and what we will carry in the future."

-Hobby Lobby,

Winner of the 2013 Least Substantive 

Corporate Statement Award

Look, Hobby Lobby can carry or not carry whatever they damn well please, and nobody's suggesting otherwise. In fact, Berwitz later clarified that he's not calling for a boycott or anything, he's just saying that they've lost him as a customer. Still, Hobby Lobby is a business, you'd think they'd want to sell things. 

"Hah-noo-kah? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that one. We have some
 nice crosses though, 50% off, why not try one of those?"

-Dave, from the Rapid City store

"Why I oughta..."

-Jesus, Matthew  21:12

Also, I'm not a theologian, but I'm a little unclear as to how selling dreidels and menorahs would be incompatible with Hobby Lobby President Steve Green's religion. You'd think a guy who once kicked the crap out of money lenders for mixing religion and commerce would have a bigger problem with Steve dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars (I'm guessing, but it couldn't have been cheap) on his collection of Biblical artifacts. Like, shouldn't he be feeding starving children or something?

Green's latest acquisition: a ninth century prayer book.
Not pictured: hungry children.

A crushing blow for the DNC!

It looks like the Democrats have lost a major celebrity supporter and with him any chance of keeping the White House in 2016. That's right, I'm referring of course to acting juggernaut Rob Schneider.

Oh shit! The star of Jaws and Seaquest DSV!
We're going to need a bigger-Wait, isn't he dead?

He was robbed when they gave out the
 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

No, you're thinking of Roy Scheider, and yes, lamentably he is dead. I'm talking about Rob Schneider, the star of The Hot Chick, and two-time Sylvester Stallone side kick. Schneider, a life-long Democrat who the Washington Times has generously referred to as an actor says he'd become so disillusioned with the DNC that he took his vitamin business out of state. Yeah, his vitamin business. In addition to inspiring a generation of douchebags to quote his Richmeister character, Schneider is also a medical genius.

Pictured: Hitler's invasion of Poland...
or possibly a vaccination, I forget which.

Here's the noted Schneintist Tweeting a comparison between California's vaccination laws and the Nazis (or Nazi's):

Rob Schneider @ RobSchneider

Today, California passed a law to force parents to get a Doc's permisison to not vaccinate kids or they can't attend school! 

Nazi's [sic]

Send a Minut-uh, does he
not know what that means?

Of course, not living in California isn't going to stop Schneider from putting his considerable political clout behind Republican Assemblyman Tim Donnelly for Governor. Donnelly is a vocal supporter of walking around airports with loaded guns as well as the self-appointed boarder guards of the Minuteman Project. Guns? Check. Hates Mexicans? Check. Wow, when Rob Schneider switches parties, he goes all the way, you almost have to admire that.

Yes, Rob, let's go with that.

"The last time I made a movie was seven years ago and that's because we're not being competitive."

-Rob Schneider, 

not deluding himself.

Acting, medicine, politics, truly he is a renaissance man.

Hmm...Renaissance Man, starring Rob Schneider as Leonardo Da Vinci's dimwitted assistant who has to help him woo Mona Lisa played by rabid-foam lunatic Victoria Jackson. Holy shit, I've just written his comeback movie. You're welcome Mr. Schneider. 

Man, between this and the party's stubborn refusal to give John Boener everything he wants, it looks like the DNC is doomed.

"With Deuce Bigalow on our side, no force on Earth can oppose us!"