Friday, May 12, 2017

Extortion-y is a word, right?

Hey, it looks like we might finally get that investigation we've all been demanding. Huh? No, not that one, the investigation into the voter fraud that made it look like Hillary Clinton actually won the popular vote even though Trump totally did. Shut up, he did!
And then after they were done illegally voting, the 3 million illegal voters went to D.C.
to lay down those tarps that made the inauguration look so sad and sparsely attended.
No for real, I wish I was kidding,
but the press secretary was actually
  hiding in the bushes yesterday
Yes, while the world watches the unceasing farce that is the administration's increasingly hilarious attempts to spin Trump's canning of FBI Director James Comey as something other than the Nixonian purge of political threats that it is, the President is launching an investigation into the three million illegal voters exactly no one in the world except him thinks exist. Why? Deputy press secretary Sarah Sanders fielded this one, since press secretary Sean Spicer is apparently lost in a hedge: "The President is committed to the through review of registration and voting issues in federal elections..." I'm sure he is.

I think what everyone really wants to
know is who's going to play Sanders on
SNL? My money's on Kate McKinnon.
I don't know about you, but I'm totally satisfied with the President's handling of-hang on a tick, illegal voting? Weren't we talking about the three-ring fuck circus that is the investigation into whether or not the Trump campaign colluded with Russian intelligence? Nice try Sarah Sanders, you almost got me. Anyway, just to let everyone know that everything's fine here, and that we should all just shut up and mind our own business, Trump announced today in an interview with Lester Holt that he's not under investigation by the FBI. In fact, Comey told him himself. Over dinner. 

"If I am under investigation, take a sip
of wine, if I'm not, eat a cherry tomato..."
Apparently the now former FBI director, believing he would soon be fired, asked to have dinner with the President in an attempt to keep his job. According to Trump:

"I said, if it's possible would you let me know if I'm under investigation? He said, 'You are not under investigation.'"

-President Trump, almost certainly breaking
some kind of law here, right?

"He padre, if I'm going to straight to
hell, take a sip of wine, If I'm not..."
Like, I'm not like a lawyer or anything, but how is that not like super-illegal? I mean let's say for the sake of argument that Comey, the director of the FBI, in an effort to somehow prove his competence through a grievous breach of ethics, would divulge details about an FBI investigation to the subject of that investigation. And yeah, I do remember the whole Clinton email thing, but regardless isn't it like wildly inappropriate for the President to even ask the question in the first place? 

I don't know what to tell you man, but
hey, at least he bought you dinner first...
I mean, in Trump's story-and again, for the sake of argument we're saying that the President isn't totally full of shit here-he said that he'd already made up his mind to fire Comey (contradicting like everything his staff has been saying for days). So he's saying he held out false hope to Comey in order to get him to disclose information about an investigation. Sure, the investigation didn't actually exist (which again assumes Trump is telling the truth), but by his own admission he didn't know that when he tried to get it out of Comey. 

Is it me, or does that sound a little, what's the word, extortion-y? To be clear, the President, in an effort to reassure us that he's totally not one Woodword and/or Bernstein away from Nixon-ing his way onto the helicopter in disgrace, is laying out a scenario in which he deceived the director of the FBI in order to illegally obtain details of a potential investigation into accusations of collusion with a foreign intelligence agency. Well, I know I feel better.
Hey, if it ever does come to this, how much do you want to bet
that those aren't the fingers Trump will be waving at us?

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