Thursday, December 1, 2016

Today in things not normally meat...

Ok, they're not made of meat per se, but the new British five pound notes, which are made out of some fancy new polymer, contain tallow which is, you know, animal fat leaving many animals fans asking holyshitwhatthefuck?
"Baby panda fat to be specific. We've spared no expense."
-Some guy from the bank of England
Pictured: that feeling you get when you
eat a burger and absorb the cow's soul
and with it, its power. (source: science)
Because for real. Avoiding animal products is already an enormous pain in the ass, a pain that I, as a sometimes vegetarian have some familiarity with. If you're anything like me, you enjoy the sense of smug superiority that comes along with vegetarianism, but don't so much like how you can't eat any of the things you used to enjoy eating. Yes, you can find a rough approximation of a hamburger made out of beans and disappointment, but it's not quite the same as an actual burger.

Yes, they make vegan tattoo ink too,
so you can still get that ohm tattoo,
you kambucha-swilling hippie.
So the guilty omnivores among us are sort of left with two options: try not to think about it (sometimes it works), or be a vegan. Or a vegetarian, which is like lazy vegan. Either way, you're in for a commitment. Depending on your reasons for opting out of carnivorousness, it might not just be about cutting out meat. If you're serious about it, you can't wear leather, eat baked goods that don't have the texture of acoustic tiles or eat Altoids. Yeah, Altoids contain gelatin which is mostly hooves. Hooves! And did you know certain tattoo inks contain bone char? Well they do. We basically live in a nightmarish, murder-filled hellscape built on a foundation of dead animals.

Please. I mean, look at this.
This is a pie to these people.
So anyway, back to the new five pound notes dripping with the rendered fat of helpless animals. Obviously most British people aren't going to be eating the bills...well, I say obviously, but sometimes I think they'll eat just about anything. And yes, that's a dig about British food and no, I'm not better than that. Two words for you: stargazey pie. Anyway, the bills are certainly going to be a problem for anyone who has religious or ethical issues with animal products. It's a pain to avoid meat and animal products in food, it's going to be goddamn impossible to avoid using cash and that's why people are kinda pissed.

At first it might sound like militant vegans loosing their shit over nothing, but anyone who's ever been the only vegetarian at a party where the only food is a meat-lover's pizza will tell you, 'no, you can't just pick it off.'
So if the sausage on that pizza was say, made of cat,
like, cat sausage, you'd just pick it off? Uh-huh. Thought so.

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