Sunday, December 18, 2016

Today in metaphorical face tattoos...

Holy shit Electoral College,
we're like 0 for 2 here. Little help?
So tomorrow electors in all fifty states are going to, I don't know, huddle in their dark electing rooms and not do the only thing they're good for: preventing a unbalanced and dangerous bully from becoming president. And I just don't know what to say about it. I mean, the goddamn point of holding elections in a representative democracy is so we can all have an active roll in choosing people smarter and better informed than us to run things, so democracy has already failed us on two counts.

Our next President, who makes being uninformed a point of pride, was chosen by a minority of voters which is like the opposite of how elections are supposed to work. He 'won' because he had the support of mostly white, mostly male voters who, thanks to decades of gerrymandering, go to the polls in states where their vote just counts more.
The Electoral College:
"Helping Red States feel appreciated since 2000..."
Pictured: Pretty much this but
instead of the bomb, he's riding
white people's persecution complexes.
If only there was some overly complex and archaic feature of our electoral process that could serve as a bulwark against a dangerous and unqualified candidate from riding a wave of divisiveness and pandering into the most powerful position in the world...and yes, I can hear myself speak. I realize that I just bemoaned the Electoral College in one paragraph while holding it up as our last best hope in the next and I'm comfortable with that. Besides, the aforementioned dangerous and unqualified candidate exploited the very thing that's supposed to keep people like him out of office.

It's like if the judge in Miracle on 34th Street
was like, 'Nah, the old man's bananas.' And
it ended with Santa pumped full of thorazine.
But despite a massive campaign of thousands of letters and emails, begging, pleading with electors to, for the love of all that is holy, do something about President Trump. But despite this, despite not only of his gross under-qualification, unstable temperament and the fact that both the CIA and the FBI are pretty damn sure we're only still talking about him at all because Vladimir Putin carried out a massive operation to interfere with our elections and put Trump in office there's still like no chance that enough of them will agree to switch to Clinton or some other, less terrifying Republican.

Take this one elector from Arizona who told the Washington Post that:

"Honestly, it (the letters) had an impact...but I signed a loyalty pledge. And that matters."

-Carole Joyce, presumably while the Battle Hymn 
of the Republic played softly in the background

I'm sure years from now, the mutants who will live in the catacombs
beneath the burnt out ruins of our civilization will appreciate you and
your unswerving loyalty to the former host of The Apprentice, Carole.
Even Aaron Burr agrees with us on
why Trump is a terrible idea and he's
 the damn fool who shot Hamilton.
Which, yeah ok, loyalty's super and all but her job as an elector, at least according to Alexander Hamilton whom we've all suddenly realized is awesome, is to not let shit like this happen and I don't know about you, but I'm kind of ok with Carole Joyce's conscience bothering her if it means having a President that won't just poke China to see what happens. Sure, the system is a ridiculous holdover from a less enlightened time when those in power didn't think we could be trusted, but clearly we can't always be trusted. People make terrible decisions sometimes. Look at face tattoos.

Donald Trump is a face tattoo and America is drunk and sitting in the chair at the tattoo place and the Electoral College is our sober friend who's supposed to take us home and put us to bed but isn't, so my question is holy shit Electoral College, what are you waiting for?
This is going to be all of us on the morning of January 21st. 

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