Sunday, September 25, 2016

Let's Snapchat our inevitable decline!

Finally, glasses with a built-in camera so we can record every minute of our lives without having to lug around a camera. Or a phone. Or an iPad or a-hang on a tick, didn't someone try that already? Like with disastrously unsuccessful results? Poor sales, public ridicule, face-punching and it ultimately had to be pulled for 're-imagining?'
Funny story, it turns out the future is ridiculous-looking and nobody
wanted to pay fifteen hundred dollars to have the internet on their face.
Pictured: some cool idiot.
Yes. But Snapchat's Speca-sorry, they're just Snap now. Snap's Spectacles® (patent pending, all rights reserved, Snapchat owns the word 'spectacles' now) with a built-in camera is totally different from Google's glasses with a built in camera. For one thing, these look like sunglasses, so instead of Glass' cyberdork visor look, you can look like a cool idiot. Of course they're still pretty ridiculous-looking but no more so than any other pair of brightly-colored, over-sized throwback, 1980's sunglasses that are in right now.

Friendship and branding!
Who doesn't want to mix those?
Also, it's just a camera, there's no internet function. So no browsing websites while you pretend to have a conversation with someone, and if you want to upload your pictures you have to connect to your phone like a goddamn barbarian, but they cost one fifteenth of what Google Glass costs, so it's got that going. And who doesn't love constant snapchats from their friends? I mean, I kind of think it's stupid, but people are into it. I suppose it's fun to take pictures of yourself with filters that swap your face with your pet, or make it look like you're puking rainbows. You can even turn yourself into some kind of horrible taco face or a donut thanks to sponsored filters. Yeah, sponsored filters, they combine the fun of social media with the excitement of being a corporate shill. Because everyone loves it when their friends send them ads for Taco Bell, right? Right? 

"...and pull up those dungarees!
Damn no respect."

-My grim future
Anyway, I don't like to think of myself as some kind of cranky luddite who sits on the porch complaining about the Twitterbooks and Facechats but I do kind of want to complain about Spectacles (©2016 the Snap corporation, a division of Human Interaction). I usually like new social media technologies, it's a great way to stay connected with people without having to see or talk to them. But I just can't get behind the need to document every waking moment of our lives. I don't know about you, but I say and do some really stupid shit sometimes and don't want it on the internet forever.

The only upside I can see here is that future historians will appreciate the wealth of information we're leave behind. Every meal we eat, every check-in, every cry for help we put up on Facebook with deliberately vague wording so our friends will ask 'what's up?' or send us 'healing vibes' or whatever. Sure, they'll think we were a culture of neurotic narcissists, but at least their history books will have an accurate picture of our civilization.
"By the mid twenty-first century they'd all but abandoned language for emoji-based
utterances and spent their few waking hours binge-watching Netflix and hunting
imaginary monsters. It's a miracle they lasted as long as they did, poor chaps..."

-Dr. Zaius on our
inevitable decline

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