Friday, April 10, 2015

In many ways, this is our own fault.

Here's the thing, I'm going to complain about re-re-re-re-release of the Star Wars films. Yes, again. You can bail out now if you want, but understand that it's out of my hands this time. No, really. You see, they-that is, Disney-are making me do this. How, you ask? And yes, I interpreted that exasperated eye-roll you just made as you telling me that you'd like me to elaborate. Don't think I can't see you.
You might want to think about sticking a post-it over it or something... 
I'm confused, these people seem to be
outdoors and yet are having a good time...

Anyway, here's a little background for those of you living rich, full lives with outdoor activity and interpersonal relationships. Star Wars creator George Lucas, apparently fed up with constantly being drenched in the hate-spit of outraged fans every time he leaves the house, sold Star Wars to Disney back in 2012. Three years later, things have been mostly looking up. Despite its aggressively dull title, Star Wars: The Force Awakens looks pretty good, the all-Yoda spin off movie they threatened us with is nowhere to be seen.

Yup, the future was bright for Star Wars fans and it was only a matter of time before Disney gave us the one thing we've been asking for years: the original theatrical editions of the first three films. No more Aussie Boba Fett. No more CGI. Just Han murdering Greedo and Ewoks playing Yub Nub on a xylophone made of out Storm Trooper skulls.
Above: As God intended.
-The Internet
So today's digital release of the Special Edition versions of Episodes IV-VI leaves me with one, I think very reasonable question: What the fuck, Disney? I don't think I'm alone when I say that every change made to the originals was a terrible, ill-advised mistake. Go look at the reviews on iTunes. It's as if millions of nerds suddenly cried out in terror and then immediately registered their disappointment online. Have you ever heard someone say they like the Special Editions? No, you haven't. Nobody likes them. Fact.

Why then, would Disney only re-release the universally despised Special Edition instead of giving us the option to choose the objectively superior original versions? Do they just hate the fans? A little, but mostly they just really love money. Apparently there is an un-touched version they're holding back so they can release it down the road and get us to once again buy these movies we've already seen a million times. And we're going to fall for it, just like we did the last three times they pulled this. Holy shit, what is wrong with us?
Lots. There's lots wrong with us. Here. Take it. Just give us the good Star Wars movies...

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