Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Misao Okawa, we hardly knew ye!

Misao Okawa of Osaka, Japan, died today of natural causes. Specifically the natural cause of having been born in the 19th century. Like the 1800's. 1898 to be exact. Yeah, she was 117 years hold. Has your mind exploded yet?
Pictured: 19th century Osaka. Like, when she was
born, Samurai were still kind of a thing.
We can't rule anything out at this point...
No? Here, let me help. With the mind-exploding, I mean because you know what else exploded in 1898? The goddamn Maine. The American ship whose to-this-day-unexplained explodening in Havana harbor gave us the flimsy pretext we needed to start the Spanish-American war. I'm not saying that Okawa had anything to with it. Technically, she was born a month later and spent her entire life in Japan, but I'm also not saying that she didn't not have anything to do with it.

Above: Okawa being officially recognized
as the world's oldest human shortly after
Jiroemon Kimora's death. Coincidence?
Anyway, Misao Okawa officially became the world's oldest living person back in 2013 after the death of previous record holder Jiroemon Kimura, whose suspicious death remains unsolved.* Last year, on her 116th birthday (or eleventy-sixth in Hobbit reckoning) she shared the secret to her exceptionally long life with the Telegraph-as in the British newspaper, not an actual telegraph. With which I suppose she'd also be familiar...

"Eat and sleep and you will live a long time."

-Misao Okawa, a woman who predates
the airplane, clearly screwing with us

Yup, there you have it. Eating, sleeping and presumably the murder of anyone who stands in your way. Thanks Misao, we'll keep that in mind. Okay, so Okawa's passing leaves 116-year old American Gertrude Weaver as the world's newest, oldest person with fellow American Jeralean Talley a close second at age 115. Incidentally, if I were Weaver, I'd watch my back. Competitive aging seems to be a dangerous sport.
"There can be only one..." intoned Gertrude Weaver
menacingly after learning of Okawa's passing.

*well, not if you believe doctors. Although after what happened with the Maine, I wouldn't put anything past Misao Okawa.

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