Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Mike Webb: Cyber-Cop!

You'd think that after loosing the Republican primary election for Virginia's 8th district, Congressional Candidate Mike Webb would have, you know packed it in, but you would be mistaken. Instead he pressed on undaunted, even suggesting that his rival, Matt Warvo, had sabotaged him. His proof? This screen shot:
Ha! Got you Matt Warvo, I see right through
your-huh? hang on...zoom in and enhance.
Well that's just embarrassing.
I mean, Yahoo? C'mon.
Yes, we may never know how fellow Republican Matt Warvo was undermining Webb's campaign because now all anyone can talk about are the porn sites Webb was apparently just enjoying moments before posting his schadenfreude-heavy explanation of how come he just lost a primary. Porn sites with the phrases "Layla Riviera Tight Bo" (where Bo is presumably 'booty') and "Ivone Sexy Amateur" in the titles. You know, I'm beginning to feel like Matt Warvo wouldn't have needed to sabotage this guy.

"Hi there, I'm here to amateurishly,
yet sexily repair your HVAC unit."
You know, in the interest of fairness I feel compelled to point out that we could totally be misreading this. I mean, it could very well be that he was looking at "Layla Riviera Tight Botox" and "Ivone Sexy Amateur HVAC Service and Repair." We may never know, although instead of just admitting that he was simply enjoying himself as man is oft want to do and in a post-climatic stupor failed to close all his tabs, Webb went and wrote a crazy explanation. Like crazy.

Most of his mea not-at-all culpa takes the form of a letter he wrote to a blogger in which explained that he wasn't looking at the pornography, but rather testing the 'pornographic world' for 'evil operators' who might be trying to infiltrate the Federal Election Committee's servers. In many ways, Mike Webb is an American hero.
"Yes I was looking at porn, but I was looking at porn
to protect voter information. You're welcome, America."

-Congressional candidate and 
noted masterbator, Mike Webb
Not that the GOP doesn't have a huge
tolerance for bullshit and self-delusion.
But I have some questions. Like, don't they have people for this? The government I mean? Isn't there a cyber-crimes division at the FBI? And even if there isn't, is it really up to an unsuccessful GOP nominee from Virginia to protect us from the evil operators? Also, does he think the voters are idiots? Because the internet loves porn, Webb's fiasco actually increased his Facebook likes by 25% and I guess he's still running as an independent but do we have to all pretend that he's not full of shit?

No comments:

Post a Comment