Monday, October 12, 2015

Let's Celebrate Canadian Thankslumbus Day!

"We're really very sore-y aboot this."
(source: hurtful stereotypes)
Hey everybody, do you know what today is? It's Indig-huh? Well, yes it is Canadian Thanksgiving, which, if you didn't already know, is just like ours except that by tradition, everyone apologizes to the turkey before eating it. Oh, and then they all watch hockey. Get it? Because Canadians like hockey. And apologizing. It's ok, I'm a quarter Canadian, I'm allowed to make fun. Anyway, that's not where I was going with this, so let me phrasing it another way: Hey everybody, do you know what today isn't?

Yup, it isn't Columbus Day. At least depending on where you live, today might be Indigenous People's Day instead. Cities including Albuquerque, Portland, St. Paul, Minnesota, Olympia, Berkley and Seattle have all ditched Columbus Day in favor of celebrating the civilizations he encountered and was ultimately responsible for destroying.
"Look, you crossed the ocean on a boat and that's great, all I'm saying is that our ancestors came
on foot and fought saber-tooth cats and hunted woolly mammoths, so maybe loose the attitude?"
-the Indigenous People
(source: history)
Besides, only like .001% of the population
identifies as Genoese imperialist fuckhead.

'But wait,' you say-ok, not you but some hypothetical nay-sayer who has a problem with all this-'why change an 80-year tradition when only 2% of the current population is Native American?' Because you insensitive prick (again not you), celebrating Christopher Columbus is racist as hell. Sure, he did pull off a feat only a few hundred Vikings (and they already have a day) had managed before, in that he white-discovered the gigantic landmasses to the west, but he also kicked off centuries of murder, theft and disease so not everyone's on board with it. From the minute he set foot on the not-the-Indies, he was spreading small pox (not his fault) and exploiting the weapons technology gap (totally his fault) to steal all their gold and land.

Above: noted explorer Steve Shanklesberry,
wearing his famous saucy sea-voyage cap.
(source: alternate history)
Huh? Yeah, the not-the-Indies. Let's not forget that he discovered the Americas by accident. Fans of Columbus like to get all frothy at the mouth about how Indigenous People's Day is white liberal guilt run amok, but really Columbus Day is just a celebration of some greedy merchant who got incredibly lucky. If he wasn't the first European to bring back word of the 'new' world, someone else probably would have. I mean, the planet's an oblique spheroid and everybody knew it so it was only a matter of time. If Christopher Columbus became a cheese monger instead of a sailor, we'd just be re-naming someone else's holiday instead. In some alternate reality our goatee'd doubles are probably talking about abolishing Steve Shanklesberry day.

What the-well, I'll be damned...
(source: maps)
Ok, since you brought up the Canadians (yes you did), you're probably wondering where they are on the question of Columbus Day. After all, they're also a part of the Americas, so why don't they have a Columbus Day? Is it out of respect for Native Americans? Doesn't seem that way, does it? I mean, instead of celebrating Indigenous People's Day like several progressive American municipalities have grudgingly started doing, they're sitting around gorging themselves on turkey and cranberry sauce (yes, they do that too) and apologizing. What jerks, right?

Wrong. Say what? Yeah, it turns out that Canada has never bothered celebrating Christopher Columbus and has recognized National Aboriginal Day since 1996, beating most of America to the punch by two entire decades, so now who's the jerk?
This guy. This guy's the jerk.*
(source: most of the terrible shit that happened in the last 500 years)

*Also me for making fun of Canadians. Sore-y guys.

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