Thursday, October 24, 2013

Today in gross injustices...

Who says police brutality doesn't pay off?
No one? Good. Because apparently it does.
I'm betting that you, in your entire life, have never felt the need to pepper-spray 21 college students in the face. Am I right? Good. Congratulations, you're a decent human being. You're also a chump. Pepper-spraying college students can be highly lucrative, at least that's what former UC Davis police office John Pike discovered. He was just awarded $38,056 in a worker's compensation settlement with the school. John who got how much for what now? Here, let me explain, and seriously, try not to die of a rage-based aneurysm.

Students must be rolling in it. How else
could they afford so many $200 text books?
Cast your mind back a couple of years to when the California Board of Regents decided that an 81% tuition hike was just what the state needed to reign in those fat-cat college students and their fancy ramen noodle feasts. In protest, students and faculty at the University of California at Davis decided to, uh...protest. The protesters marched, rallied, set up tents (as was the style at the time), and you know, protested. Peacefully. In order to affect social change. Obviously it was time to call in the campus police in full tactical gear.

Threatened by what I can only assume were some seriously catchy chants, and surrounded on one side by students sitting on the ground, officer John Pike broke out the pepper spray and went to town. Since this is the 21st century and everybody's cell phone is a tiny news studio, Pike instantly became the living, breathing poster-douche of excessive force.
Above: Officer John Pike heroically pepper spraying a human chain
of students who were aggressively huddling in his general direction.
Behold: The salty food-brick of kings!
Since the incident, John Pike and his family have been the target of death threats, which, while not surprising, nobody deserves. I mean, c'mon internet, let's grow up. The resulting anxiety and depression from these threats are what prompted the University to pay out $38,000 in worker's comp, so if you're one of the dicks who sent him a threatening, all-caps email, then way to go, Pike is now trembling all the way to the bank. $38,000 by the way, should just about cover one year at UC Davis, with enough left over for the ramen noodles and over-priced textbooks., that's not the word, injusticely? Is that a word? Well, let's just go with fucked-upedly enough, Pike actually got more for the assault than the students he sprayed, most of whom were awarded $30,000 and will still probably spend the rest of their working lives paying off crushing student debts.
Above: the pink-hued, porcine* visage of Officer John Pike. Be sure to shout 'boo!' if you
ever see him in person. Of course, he'll probably just get more worker's comp if you do.

*What? I have the utmost respect for the 99.9% of police officers who do what is certainly a mentally and physically taxing job, and I would never refer to a cop as a pig. That said, this dude totally looks like a pig. Also, he pepper-sprayed kids in the face and got $38 grand, so seriously, fuck him.

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