Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Another senseless act of sequel.

Tri...Triplets? Seriously? Triplets. Yeah, someone's making a sequel to Twins
Uh, Twins the movie. Nobody's making a sequel to the biological
phenomena of two offspring produced in the same pregnancy.
Screenplay by Cocaine.
Remember Twins? No, of course you don't. It was an obscure and vaguely sci-fi-ish 80's comedy starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger as twin brothers. Wai-waaah? I know, the zaniness, right? Anyway, there was some bullshit in there about how they were the result of an experiment to create a superior human. Arnold plays the project's übermensch and DeVito was the leftover genetic material. It may sound like something the Nazis would have tried, but I guess in the 1980's, this somehow passed as comedy.

Above: some kind of hideous frog monster.
The fact that Twins even exists also suggests that at some point director Ivan Reitman called up Danny DeVito and said the following:

"Danny, I've got this new script. It's a comedy about a set of mismatched twins and I think you'd be perfect as the misshapen accident of biology. Whatta ya say?"

Triplets adds Eddie Murphy into the mix because somebody, somewhere thinks that the only thing funnier than a movie about the Penguin being related to a leathery Republican meat-mountain is a black guy being related to both of them.
Suck on it, science!

And why not Coming to America 2?
Is Arsenio hall busy or something?
Look, I'm not against sequels. Some of the best movies ever are sequels (note, I said some, not all), but holy shit, Twins? It just seems senseless. It's not like it ended on a cliffhanger. Nobody's been waiting 25 years to find out what happens next in the Twins saga. What gives? Haven't these guys moved on? DeVito's got a TV show, Murphy has a successful career as a cartoon donkey and Schwarzenegger has been slowly fulfilling his political prophecy as foretold in Demolition Man. So why this? Why now? 

My guess is that this is about Schwarzenegger trying to get back into movies. He's already signed up for Terminator 5, and another Conan movie. Like the high school quarterback whose been selling carpet for 30 years, he's trying to get the band back together and that's cool, just, for the love of God, don't ruin Kindergarten Cop for me. Please. Do another Predator, reboot Commando, whatever. Just leave that piece of my childhood alone.
Pictured: The former governor lovingly caressing the ass of his
younger self's bronze statue. Yup, nothing weird about that... 

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