Magnetospheres are for wusses!

"Earth? Pfftt...fuck it..."

-78,000 applicants

78,000 people have applied to be one of the first four Martian colonists/reality show contestants. Yeah, remember that horrible idea? We talked about it last year. Basically a Dutch company wants to send people to Mars and fund the whole thing with merchandising rights and a reality show. 78,000 people have now signed up for the chance to abandon their home planet and get sealed in a tube for the two-year journey to Mars where they will spend the rest of their lives in a radiation-bathed, one-third gravity version of Big Brother, all for our entertainment. I don't want to sound like a jerk but doesn't this whole things sound like a terrible idea?

You're probably wondering why I hate science and exploration so much and I want to make it clear that nothing could be further from the truth. I am all for space and boldly going and all that, I just have some issues with this particular effort, not the least of which is the fact that it's starting to sound like Total Recall.

"Rwwaaauuuaauuuauuuu!"

-Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Total Recall, Act 5 scene  4

Sci-fi dystopias are required by law to
feature Rony Cox as an evil business man.

In the movie, the Mars of the future is controlled by an giant corporation run by an evil Dutch guy named Cohaagen. In real life, the company that wants to colonize the planet is a (presumably) evil Dutch not-for-profit called Mars One. That in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing until you click on the 'Mars One Team' section of their website. Unlike an organization such as NASA, which is run by scientists and engineers, Mars One is mostly venture capitalists and twenty-somethings with marketing degrees. I think one of them watched an episode of Nova once, but that's about it for qualifications.

Oh yeah, the Dutch: the people who gave us the world's first tulip-
based economic bubble. By all means, let's trust their bushiness savvy.

Behold: The future overlords of Mars.

Remember the business majors you went to college with? Sure, you could probably let them handle your investment portfolio, but do we really want them laying the cornerstones of civilization on another planet? Oh, and check this out: 

"The Mars One Foundation will be the owner of the Mars settlement, the simulation outposts on Earth, and it will be the employer of the project management team of the mission, and the Mars astronauts."

"Sorry it didn't work out Rick, please
feel free to use us as a reference.
Depressurization in 5...4...3..."

So the Mars One Foundation will own the settlement and be the Employer of the Mars astronauts? Is anyone else uncomfortable with the fact that the astronauts bosses will not only own the planet on which they live but the air supply as well? They will never be able to quit their jobs, and they will never be able to leave the pressure domes. And how are they even getting paid? Mars One Funbucks? I mean, what's the point of money in a four-person economy? 

What's worse is that statistically, something like 90% of all companies fail in the first five years. What happens then? These people will be stuck on Mars, trapped forever in a cancelled reality show. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life on the set of Flavor of Love?

Order now, while supplies last...or live forever
with the knowledge that you helped kill the Mars astronauts.

Yes, it worked for the Ferengi,
but those guys are kinda dicks...

I mean, when we landed on the moon it was because we wanted to prove the boundless ingenuity and resolve of the human spirit, not because we wanted to sell shit. Ok, it was mainly because we wanted to one-up the Soviets, but also the human spirit thing. The point is, we should absolutely colonize Mars. And after that we should build a warp drive and explore the galaxy and seek out strange new civilizations and totally have sex with them, but we should be doing it because it's the next step in human evolution, not because it's a way to sell t-shirts and syndication rights. 

Advantage: Delaware...wait, is that right?

After the ceremony, Allan and Ed are
going on a honeymoon...to Milford...

Well here's a hard pill to swallow. Delaware has legalized same-sex marriage. I can now no longer make fun of them for being the blandest, least interesting state, whose only claim to fame is being the 'The First State' state. And that's only because the other colonies let it ratify the Constitution first. They knew even back then that it would be known for nothing else so they let them have it. It's even on their license plates. God Damnit. Looks like I'll need a new state to rag on...Congratulations Pennsylvania, you're the new Delaware.

Look, I'm thrilled that Delaware has joined 10 other states in recognizing marriage equality. That's awesome. It's just that they have gay marriage and California doesn't. That's not ok.

Delaware's not even America's smallest state,
Rhode Island is. Also, Rhode Island legalized gay marriage
last week sad tromboning Delaware on that one too.

Until last November, San Francisco
was pants-optional. For real.  

How is that even possible? California has medicinal marijuana, leather-fetish festivals, and recognizes Gluten-free as a religious group. I mean, how can Delaware be more progressive than a state where vision coach is a job? Oh, and before you laugh, keep in mind that vision coaches probably make more money than either of us. Well, it turns out that California is not the always the bastion of granola liberal progressiveness we like to think it is. Remember that Prop 8 bullshit?

The thing is, the state is something of a microcosm for the country as a whole, and whereas the U.S. has red states, we have red counties. Check out this handy map:

We call the red counties 'Calitucky.'

Whole Foods can charge $11.50
for organic almond butter, but two
dudes getting married is illegal? 

Those are the Prop 8 results by county. In the blue counties, a majority of voters agreed that gays and lesbians should be treated equally under the law. Voters in the red states mumbled something about the old testament before scuttling back to their bunkers to wait for the Rapture. So thanks to Californians not understanding the value of representative democracy and a healthy dose campaign contributions from the inexplicably still tax-exempt Mormon and Catholic Churches, here we are five years later getting lapped by freaking Delaware.

This Week in Gun Crazy:

Hey gun-people, you do know what happens when you let a lunatic be the face of your weird 'we love assault rifles' club, right? Yup, he says shit like this:

"How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?"

-NRA Spokesgoon, Wayne LaPierre

"Oh and ion cannons, everyone should
 be allowed to own ion cannons..."

-James Madison, 1789

Look, I know that there's a pretty wide gulf between people who think that restrictions on guns are completely reasonable and those who insist with red-faced fury that the Second Amendment totally calls for every American to be packing the kind of firepower the eighteenth century-minds who wrote it could never have conceived. I mean, they might as well be saying that James Madison was talking about phasers, but whatever. I think we can all agree that Wayne LaPierre isn't helping.

His bullshit theory is that if more people out there are armed, the more likely it is that a gun-owner will be around when bad things go down...which I guess is true...

Technically this guy is a gun owner, so LaPierre sort of has a point.

Sure, we've all thought about shooting
the Comcast guy, but your shitty internet
 service isn't the technician's fault.

Like seriously, what is up with this guy that he thinks last month's terrifying manhunt in Boston would have been made less terrifying with the addition of armed vigilantes? I'll grant you that people armed with guns did ultimately catch the suspect, but those were trained law enforcement officers with you know, procedures and accountability. What do gun-nuts* have? An NRA membership card and badly xerox'd pamphlets about how Obamacare was foretold in Revelations? Sure, an armed Bostonian could have shot the bombing suspect but then again they could just have easily shot a neighbor or the cable guy.

"Huh...Bruce Wayne sure orders a lot of
knock-out gas and bat-shaped helicopters..."

-Special Agent Noshit McObvious

To LaPierre, all gun-owners are potential superheroes and the NRA is sort of like the Justice League, but with lobbyists and no moral center. The flaw in his plan is that superheroes would be a terrible idea in real life. Take Batman for example. He routinely circumnavigates due process with his batarang. And yes, we love him for it, but he's fictional. In real life the FBI would have figured out who he really was and surrounded stately Wayne manor with federal agents because pretty much everything superheroes do endangers innocent people and is goddamn illegal.

"Goddamnit, another one? It's like
living in a mid-90's lightgun game..."

Amazingly, LaPierre's comments aren't the only crazy to come out of the NRA this week, check out this guy. His (hilarious) name is Rob Pincus and at an NRA home defense seminar he suggested that people keep a gunsafe in their kid's bedroom in case of home invasion. The thought being you could rush into your child's room, grab the gun and go Die Hard on the home invaders. Wow, I'm not sure about the statistics, but in what universe are home invasions more common than kids accidentally shooting themselves with their parent's guns?

Look firearm fans, I'm not suggesting that the government should swoop in and take all your boomsticks away. I am however suggesting that if you want to be taken seriously as advocates for responsible gun-ownership maybe you shouldn't introduce Rick Perry with footage of him shooting eggs with an assault rifle. I wish I was kidding.

Really Rick? You need an assault rifle to deal with eggs?
Were they some kind of socialist super-eggs?

*I'm honestly not trying to be a dick here: a gun-owner is someone who owns a gun, a gun-nut is someone who owns a hundred guns and who just can't wait for the opportunity to use one on a living person...preferably during Armageddon. 

Secular Humanists know how to party!

A National Day of Reason? Poppycock! May Odin the Allfather smite you where you stand you godless science heathens!

Odin's got some nerds to smite...

It's the fakon of national observances,
so yeah, it's going to be an uphill battle.

Check this out, two Democratic Congresspeople are voicing support for the National Day of Reason, a non-religious, God-free alternative to Thursday's National Day of Prayer (now with half the fat of regular national observances!). Cool, right? Wait-the National Day of what now? Oh yes, it's a thing, we talked a little about it last year. For those who like to live in the now, I'll sum up: The National Day of Prayer is a day "on which the people of the United States may turn to God in prayer and meditation at churches, in groups and as individuals."

"Ello, ello, 'ang on a tick,
woht's awl this then?"

Yup, that's in the US Code, the law of the land. If that's giving you a bobby (see right, I'm making up slang now), you're not alone. I mean, what ever happened to the separation of church and state? The law was passed in 1952, around the time 'under God' was getting shoehorned into the pledge, and while they totally had a First Amendment back then, anyone who complained got a face full of McCarthy-era black listing. But we live in the future now, so the American Humanist Association came up with the NDoR.

Above: Bullshit
(courtesy of Ken Ham's Dinosaurs of Eden)

So what the hell is a National Day of Reason anyway? According to their website, it's a day to draw attention to things that crap all over the separation of church and state. Things like putting the Ten Commandments in front of courthouses, teaching creationism in schools, and that time Rick Perry demanded that everyone pray to God for rain to put an end to the drought God sent them. It's well intentioned and they totally have a point, but check out their website's suggestions on how you can mark the occasion:

• Work to have a Day of Reason proclaimed by your state or local government;
• Hold a press conference for your local media to promote respect for the separation of religion and government, and to draw attention to the many breaches of that principle during recent months;
• Organize a letter-writing campaign urging your elected officials to support the separation of religion and government;
• Visit the National Day of Reason web site to sign up as an endorser, to view planned events, or to read some of the media coverage from previous years.

Look out Philatelists!

Hold a press conference? Organize a letter writing campaign? Holy shit guys, really? The National Day of Prayer might be a gross violation of the First Amendment but at least it isn't in danger of knocking National Stamp Collecting Month off its throne as America's most coma-inducing observance. The Jesus fans are offering believers a chance to talk to the almighty creator of everything and ask him for cash and favors and you're suggesting that we visit your website and read old news stories? Stage a protest or something. Throw parties where everyone shows up dressed as their favorite Age of Enlightenment philosopher (dibs on Thomas Paine!). A wise man once said "you don't win friends with salad," so for real secular humanists, let's use a little imagination.

And look, I don't have anything against people praying to God, or Allah or that thing from Star Trek 5 they thought was god, but turned out to be some evil entity with eye-lightning, but c'mon, you can't go around mixing church and state and not expect people to have a problem with it.

"What does God need with a Starship? Shut up, that's what."

-That thing from Star Trek V

Zeitshiest

$20,000. Each. Yes, twenty thousand dollars, that's what six former congresspeople and an ex-senator (Mike Gravel, you know, the rock guy) are getting paid to sit in a room and listen to witnesses explain that not only are aliens real and frequent visitors to our planet but that the government knows all about them and is hiding the truth. 

Pictured: A weather balloon reflecting light from
the planet Venus. Also swamp gas. (courtesy: USAF)

"Cough...Eh-hem..."

-Me, asking for 20 grand

You know, I've long insisted that there is life on other planets, and like this committee I am also not in Congress so what I want to know is where's my twenty grand? The answer is, of course, no one gives a shit that I think there are aliens. However, plenty of shits were given to "...as many as forty researchers and military/agency witnesses" who are right now testifying before the former members of Congress at the Citizen Hearing on Disclosure or CHD (acronym=legit).

Photo of the Capital Dome, off-center
quote in times new roman, no site this
classy could possibly be bullshit... 

I know what your thinking, how were these former congresspeople able to take time away from not being in congress in order to hear testimony? Well, I'm sure $20,000 each had a hand in it, but as it happens, this is an "event with historical implications", the website even says so, and why would they lie? Check it out, it's a surprisingly classy site, not the standard gif-addled GeoCites eye-sores one would usually associate with people trying to prove that the government is hiding aliens from us. There's even a trailer which...wait...do historical events usually have trailers? 

Thif fummer, King George if about to meet a royal pain in the <explosion!>
The Revolutionary War: Coming foon to a colony near you!

Oh that? They're just agreeing
to disagree...about everything...ever.

Does this smell a little Zeitgeist-y to anyone else? I mean, wouldn't the kind of conspiracy the CHD is trying to sniff out would require hundreds or maybe even thousands of people from different branches of our government and military all working together in lockstep unity despite political and philosophical differences over decades? Like, we can't get everyone to agree on anything...at all, not guns, not healthcare, hell, a third of us would like us to elect Jesus the king of 'merica. Yet somehow the shadowy figures behind this conspiracy have been pulling this off since Rosewell?

If somehow the Citizen's Hearing on Disclosure cracks open the largest conspiracy of our times using slick web design and Facebook likes, awesome, more power to them. But is it weird that I have more confidence in the idea that aliens exist and just find us too uninteresting and/or primitive to bother with than I do in the Government's ability to cover them up?

Earth: It's the galaxy's Delaware. Have you
ever had the urge to visit Delaware? Exactly. 

Apparently the 'H' stood for Hipster.

Here's a fun fact: did you know that Jesus was a hipster? Oh yes, the first century rabble rouser who, some believe, was the son of/the same guy as (they're a little murky on this point) the almighty creator of the universe, was also somehow a hipster according recent research...and by research I mean marketing campaign.

Above: An artist's rendering which Biblical scholars
now agree is an accurate portrayal of Jesus of Nazareth.

Miracles include: turning water into PBR
and knowing where to find the cool parties.

Obviously a two-thousand year-old street preacher from Roman-occupied Judea would have had little in common with today's black rim glasses wearing, beskinnyjeaned millenials, so what gives? This poster gives (see right). AllStars? Wow, Jesus must have been a hipster...or a Time Lord. It's from the Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn, and is part of the Church's attempt to re-brand Catholicism for the twenty-first century without having to do any of the hard stuff, like you know, admitting women priests, ditching the celibacy thing or getting over gay people. 

In Japan, Jesus is portrayed as a mecha-
pilot battling aliens in Neo-Jerusalem.

According to the Diocese's spokesperson:

"Historically, representations of Christ have reflected the population that was worshiping there...it doesn't seem to me so far-fetched that the representation of Christ would be a hipster. Jesus stood in contrast to the culture of his day, that's what a lot of hipsters do."

-Monsignor Kieran Harrington,

explaining white Jesus

Ok, so Brooklyn, a noted spawn point for hipsters, would naturally need a hipster Jesus, although I'm not sure shopping at Urban Outfitters really qualifies as standing in contrast to the culture of the day. Anyway, no matter what your feelings for the Catholic Church, you have to admit that the posters are a far cry from some of their previous recruitment drives.

"Hey, if you sign up I'll stop hitting you with this mace!"

-Some Crusader

Shirtstorm

Pull this shirt from stores in light of
recent events? Gee, you goddamn think?

So Nike was making these t-shirts with the blood splattered phrase 'Boston Massacre' printed on them, but after the recent bombing and subsequent week-long horror-spree, they're pulling them from store shelves. Here's what a Nike spokesperson had to say:

"In light of the recent tragedy in Boston, we took immediate action last week to remove this product from distribution."

-KeJuan Wilkins, PR genius

Well, yes, but sweet mother of all merciful crap, what is wrong with Nike in the first place? I mean, look at the thing. If Nike's t-shirt department were a 10 year old boy, their school would be calling in a behavioral psychologist. 'Boston Massacre?' What ever happened to 'Go Team'? Or 'Have a good game'?

...and this is why I don't write slogans for Nike.

Pictured: The effective range of a
revolutionary-era musket.

Originally the phrase referred to the 1770 Boston Massacre, a clash between British soldiers armed with muskets and colonists armed with harsh words which left five civilians dead and several soldier's feelings hurt. After the trial, six of the soldiers were acquitted and two were convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to branding (I know, right?). It may sound unfair, but keep in mind that an 18th century muzzle loading firearm was about as accurate and deadly as an angry mob shouting insults, so in many ways both sides were evenly matched.

Above: the sports

While the first blood-shed of the American Revolution is obviously a subject ripe for parody, here, Nike is referring to the rivalry between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees, who, according to my exhaustive internet research are some kind of sporting teams. The implication here seems to be that Yankees fans would like to see the Red Sox dead. Look, I won't pretend to understand the sports, but holy shit, wouldn't you just rather see them lose at baseball?