Today in rooting for the overdog...

Ugh. I mean, ugh. Like, you wouldn't think we'd still have torch-wielding racists marching through the streets of American cities in 2017, but here we are.

Like I said, ugh...

"Just...just don't talk to me right now..."

Ok, maybe you would think that we'd still have torch-wielding racists marching through the streets in 2017. America, it turns out, is still super-racist, but there are a couple of things I don't get. Ok, lots I don't get, but I'm going to narrow it down to just the essentials. The first being, how are these guys the victims of racism? I'm not trying to diminish their plight here, but isn't a white American complaining about being the victim of racism a little like a man complaining about menstrual cramps?

While we cannot rule out the multi-
verse, it's just that the 'they're just assholes'
theory feels somewhat more plausible.

Look, I myself am a white person. A white male in fact. And while I can't speak for every white guy out there, I'm pretty sure that we've never been the victims of racism. Ever. In the history of the universe. Well, our universe maybe. I suppose it's possible, but not super-likely, that Saturday's white supremacists came to our world through a wormhole from some parallel universe where white people have been the victims of, rather than the perpetrators of centuries of oppression and inequality. And if that's the case, they need to put the tiki-torches down and shut up, because on this planet, they're just being assholes.

 You know, the Confederate General
who lost...so it's kind of weird that
he got a statue in the first place.

But I suppose the big question I have is what do they want? Ostensibly they all got together to protest the removal of some statue of noted defender of state's rights and owning people and making them work for no money, Robert E. Lee. They were pissed it was being removed and folded that in with simmering anger and some kind of weird 'white-men as the victims of political correctness' narrative and now three people are dead, nineteen more are injured and everything is terrible. Way to go guys.

So again, what did they hope to get out of this? To keep their stupid statue? A 10% discount at Denny's? What? Or...hey, you don't suppose that they thought everyone else might come around to their point of view do you? Like, they thought that if they put together a big stupid parade of idiots, we'd all just hop on board with the notion that white people are superior to everyone else, but also somehow disenfranchised?

"Look, we're not racists, we're just saying that our race is superior, and should have our
superiority recognized through special privileges, discounts and maybe a even our own diamond lane."

-that big parade of stupid idiots

Today in grudging olive branches...

Hey Republi-friends, how's it going? Huh? Yes, I said Republi-friends. You see, I think there're some Republicans, maybe even a lot of them, who think the situation we find ourselves in is as fucked up as we do and I think it's time we work together to do something about it. What situation? Glad you asked.

Maybe he could say it again, but this time add:
"Hey Kim Jong Un, this is your face!" and then
he could crush an empty beer can with his hand.

Great job Mr. President, maybe you
could make fun of his haircut next?

Today, in what I'm becoming less and less convinced is an elaborate joke, electoral college-winner and technical President Trump mused that his recent comments about showing North Korea 'fire and fury like they've never seen' might not have been tough enough. Yes, the Tweet-happy man-baby our system of government somehow failed to screen out, just suggested that his insane poking of an unhinged dictator armed with nuclear weapons wasn't sufficiently reckless.

What? Why do you think Paul Ryan
always had to stand behind a podium when
he talked about the GOP health plan?

Look, I know I've been maybe a little less than kind towards the GOP in the past. I may, on more than on occasion, have suggested that some members of the party get sexually aroused by taking health care away from poor people, and I'm not necessarily apologizing for that. But we need to get together on this. We need to get together and figure out a way to either blunt the effects of Trump's terribleness at his job or cut some kind of deal where he resigns, we get a complete electoral do-over and we all agree that the last seven months of America never happened.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy to get enough of them to come around. Just today I read that more than half of Republicans polled would support postponing the election if Trump called for it. Postpone the 2020 election. Holy shit, alarming right? Yes. Pants-wettingly so.

You don't want the government taxing you, telling you what can be taught in science class or
who can use which bathroom but when someone asks if you want to make Donald Trump
your king, half of you are like, 'cool.' You see, this is why we don't understand you guys.

Pictured: Some of the millions of racists
who had to endure 8 years of being called
racists, just for being big huge racists.

I mean, can't they just wait until the GOP purges everyone who doesn't vote for them from the rolls? Sorry, sorry, that's not productive, we need to reach out and get along, you know, for the greater good. So to our Republi-freinds I say, yes, I know the Obama administration was like, super tough for you, what with his being a black, Kenyan-born secret Muslim who hated America, and I feel for you guys, I really do (I really don't). But our problem with Trump is different. And by different I mean it's a real thing and might start a war.

So please, please, let's put the partisan posturing and ridiculous political chest thumping aside (you know, basically half the stuff I write about) for a minute and deal with the big, unqualified, butterscotch-coiffured, rampaging elephant in the room.

Hey-wha-why are you laughing? We really can't go on like-
stop that, this is a serious problem and...you guys let this
man run on the GOP ticket and...I mean it, stop laughing! 

Vas deferen-etly going to explode!

I've circled the part of the internet that
isn't about genitals. Stick to that part.

Hey, you know how condoms have been around since at least the 16th century and they're one of the more reliable forms of birth control and protection against STD's short of not sticking your stuff into someone else's wherever? Well they are. But the geniuses behind the Jiftip have a better idea that's in no way a better idea. Oh, and by the way, we're about to get like, super-graphic here talking about wing-wangs and hootenanny's so if you're easily offended maybe stop reading. In fact, stay off the internet all together.

So yeah, the Jiftip. It's a, get this, a self-adhesive sticker that goes over the tip of the penis. Which I guess is called a jif? Maybe? It's hard to tell, there's like a million euphemisms for penis. Let's just keep this clinical and use the term 100% all-beef footlong.

Pictured: No. In fact, let's never say that again.

So it's what, a hat?

So back to the Jiftip. Which is not a condom. Whatever you do, don't use this as you would a condom. The website is super clear about this.

"Welcome to Jiftip.com
Jiftip is not a condom
You cannot use it for that"

-The Jiftip website, 

clearing things up for us

"For the love of God Montresor!"

-Semen

Ok, so what the hell is it supposed to do? No one knows. In fact, the people that make it seem to be kind of squirrelly on the subject. The website suggests that the product is supposed to make sex more pleasurable without all that disease and pregnancy-prevention getting in the way, but it isn't supper clear as to how blocking up ones urethra and sealing in the semen like it's Fortunato in The Cask of Amontillado is going to be anything but a painful, messy horror show. Huh? Yeah, I know, that one was a reach, even for me, but that's how screwed up this thing is. It's got me going back to 8th grade English for my analogies.

Here, read this explanation from the 'how it works' section of their website and then explain to me why whoever wrote this isn't on a watchlist:

"Have a jizz-fest inside your penis, then take it outside, Jiftip has you covered. As you feel the rush to gush you're thinking, 'What a wonderful world.'"

-From the Jiftip websi-wait, 'the

rush to gush?' Holy shit guys...

I assume of course that by 'jizz-fest,' they're referring to a festival celebrating
 Jazz-wailing, a form of music in the Star Wars Universe made popular by
Ever Orbus and his Galactic Jizz-Wailers. No, I shit you not, that's real.

Like one of these. But for your dick.

Gross. And it gets worse. According to Dr. Lauren Streicher from Northwestern University, using this thing could lead to something called a 'retrograde-ejaculation' which is something that should never happen to anyone ever. So to sum up, Jiftip is ineffective as a contraceptive and it can't keep you from getting an STD and it may cause reverse-ejculations and, presumably, testicular-explodening. I mean, maybe if it came in fun colors or had a tassel or a propeller on top it could be an accessory. Like a pasty for your Gentleman Jim (made that one up myself). But it doesn't. It just jams up your gear and might just explode your vas deferens. So why does Jiftip exist? Spoiler alert: because business.

I'm thinking some kid working on his MBA got drunk with his bro's one night over a game of beer-pong (that's a thing college kids do, right?), came up with Jiftip and somehow convinced an investor to give him the money to make it real. And like that machine that squeezes juice out of a bag for you, it was bullshit from day one, but lucky for the fine folks at Jiftip, there is always going to be money to be made from idiots. So here we are talking about dick-hole stickers.

Although I'm kind of curious to see what would happen if we put
a Jiftip over the opening of a Juicero bag and switched it on.

Golf: a nice walk ruined by fire and fury.

So I think we can all agree that the President needs to have his tweeter taken away, but I'm not sure I'm super-down with him threatening nuclear annihilation during a photo op at his goddamn golf course while on yet another vacation either. It's just a bad visual.

The President's vacation wasn't all posturing and dire
warnings of the end of all life on earth. He also managed
to squeeze in a few rounds of golf. Good for him.

If you're the president and what you're
about to say sounds like something that
could just as easily have come out of
Doctor Doom's mouth, maybe rethink?

Of course he didn't specifically threaten nuclear annihilation, what he said was 'fire and fury' but since the U.S. military doesn't usually lob lit matches and angry scowls at its foes, I think the nuclear thing is kind of a foregone:

"North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen..."

-Donald Trump sounding, well, not so 

much presidential as, super-villainy?

Again, that's the former host of The Apprentice threatening the crazy person in charge of a rogue nuclear state. Sure, this crazy person has been ratcheting up the saber-rattling (I'm mixing the shit out of that metaphor, aren't I?), and we need to respond. But shouldn't we aspire to the the lesser of two crazies? Like, with the way he's talking, the Donald is practically a drab jump-suit away from being just being a richer, blonder version of North Korea's dictator for life.

Pictured: an unrelated picture of that time Vince McMahon had his head shaved
at Wrestlemania 23 by a guy who now has the power to launch a nuclear first-strike.

"How else are we supposed to win?
With good ideas? Pfft...hell with that..."

-The GOP

Look, I know we all accept that he won the election fair and square. And by fair and square I mean by stoking the anger of white men who've been feeling under appreciated. And it didn't hurt that the GOP spent years focusing on downticket races so they could redraw district lines in their favor and even purge voter roles to throw as many obstacles in the way of lower-income, non-white voters who typically vote Democrat. But fair and sq-oh, and Russia. He might have won because Russia. Where was I? Oh, right, fair and square.

But since the world might be again teetering on the brink of nuclear war, only this time with a short-tempered goon at the helm, can we have a do-over? Like, I've got to think that even the angry white people with persecution complexes and the hard core Bernie-or-bust people who stayed home rather than vote for Clinton (thanks again guys) would have made different life choices if they knew that not only might Trump win but that he'd be all that stands between us and a petulant man-child with ICBMs.

Sorry, I'm referring to Kim Jong Un here. With so many nuclear-capable,
 petulant man-children around, it's hard to keep them straight. 

Today in loose definitions of creativity...

Meow-chicka meow-wow*

You know what the best thing about the internet is? Huh? No it's not the cat videos. It's-no, it's not the porn, shame on you. The best thing about the-no, it's not cat porn. What is wrong with you? Look, are you going to let me get through this? Great. So the best thing about the internet is not the way it lets us keep in touch with people we don't like enough to call on a regular basis, or the fact that it gives us a forum for our ill-informed opinions faster than the speed of thinking things through. All of those things are bunk. The real achievement of the internet age is steaming video.

It's almost enough to make you want to go
outside. Almost. I mean, I could re-watch
The Crown. It's too sunny out anyway.

Yup, streaming video. If you're too young to really remember the days of cable, when people had to plan their lives around TV Gudide in order to catch a thing when it airs and then wait a full week between new episodes like goddamn barbarians, then stop reading this. For one thing, you're too young for all the casual swearing and references to cat porn. For another, you probably aren't as paralyzed by the bewildering array of choices. I think I've wasted almost as much time flipping though streaming service menus looking for something than I have actually wasting time watching things. 

But it's the endless possibilities that makes streaming so amazing. A streaming service isn't constrained by a schedule so there's room for anything. Even a follow-up to the Karate Kid. Yes, complete with Ralph Machio and William Zabka. You know, Johnny? As in 'sweep the leg, Johnny?' Remember him?

The Karate Kid taught us that no matter how hard you practice and how much work
you put into something, someone's probably going to come along at the last minute
with a couple months of training and kick your ass with one lucky move.

"Remember my student, in keeping with
the ancient art of brand recognition
you're the Karate Kid. Got that?"

I don't know about you, but ever since I saw that movie, I've been left wondering 'what happens next?' And then I saw Karate Kid parts II and III and The Next Karate Kid. I skipped the one with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith on principle. I mean, the kid learns kung fu, which, and I'm not like a martial arts expert, but even I know is not karate. But more to the point, after all that, I was still left with a hole in my life. Where's Daniel-san now? What's he doing? And what about Johnny? I just don't understand how the writers could leave us hanging like this for decades. They're basically monsters.

No, it's not a porn site. You're thinking
of RedTube. Again, shame on you.

But hanging we shall no longer be, because YouTube Red-which I guess is just like regular YouTube except you can pay them to watch it-is making 'Cobra Kai,' a sequel series to The Karate Kid. It'll tell the story of Daniel Larusso and Johnny-uh, Johnny Sweepleggington, I guess, who are now I don't know, fifty something? Anyway, they're going to revive their karate rivalry and probably re-hash the story from the first movie. 

Creativity of course being the ability to
recognize something as successful, buy it and
then iterate upon it until it's no longer profitable.

I'm sorry, I'm pre-judging. I'm sure they're bringing back The Karate Kid because it's a rich narrative landscape that we've only begun to explore.

"The minute I heard about this project, I knew we had to have it. The Karate Kid became an instant classic in the 1980's, and still resonates with audience around the world and on YouTube today..."

-Susanne Daniels (right), head of original content 

for YouTube, saying things she cannot take back

Hopefully, Cobra Kai will lead to additional spin-offs and sequels and prequels as a part of a greater Karate Kid shared universe that will delve into all our unanswered questions about a Rocky knock-off from 33 years ago. Because if the internet has given us anything, it's a platform so limitless that anything, anything can and should be made into a streaming series.

I personally can't wait for someone to continue the story of 1988's Mac and Me.
It was a heart warming tale/McDonald's commercial about a boy's adventures
with an alien who is definitely not E.T. and absolutely warrants a follow-up

*sorry.

Today in crippling insecurity...

At a Trump campaign rally Thursday night, West Virginia Governor Jim Justice, a Democrat whose name the internet assures me is real, announced that he would be switching parties, leaving the country is stunned. Well as stunned as you can be about a rich white guy joining the Republican party.

Coming out as conservative can be a long, difficult process for a wealthy
white man and I want to be clear that I support Jim Justice in his journey.

"Don't you drag me into this, I told you to
give all your money to the poor and to stop
being a dick. The opposite of Republican."

-God

In his remarks, Justice explained that God helped him make this difficult, but politically savvy-well, West Virginia savvy, move:

"Let me just say this to you as bluntly as I can say it: West Virginia, at the alter, when we had it done, like it or not like it, but the Democrats walked away from me. Today I will tell you with lots of prayers and lots of thinking, I'll tell you West Virginians that I can no longer help you being a Democrat governor."

-Governor Jim Justice, The GOP's
newest member, trying out some of
the party's trademark incoherence

Hilariously, even as I write this, eight of the ten news articles on the state's GOP website's front page are attacks on the Governor calling him out for broken promises, stiffing the Boy Scouts, shady business interests and refusing to pay taxes which, hang on, are we sure he wasn't a Republican already? Political commentary: achieved.

Man, the West Virginia GOP better get one of their member's
grandkids to come over and show them how to change the internets.

Remember when he got his ass handed to
him in the debates but people still voted
for him? Those were the days, right?

Anyway, Justice's decision gives the GOP control of-huh? Yeah, I did say campaign rally...for the President. Weird right? Shouldn't he be off Presidenting? Or at the very least tweeting about how great America's going to be? But instead he's holding campaign rallies where he-no joke, continues to go after Hillary Clinton whom he defeated (technically). In fact, he used Thursday's bully platform to complain about how Robert Mueller should be investigating her emails instead of his Russia ties which isn't even-wait, you don't suppose that he keeps holding rallies because it reminds him of campaigning? 

Cripplingly? Is that the word?
Yes, cripplingly insecure, that's it. 

You know, that magical time where he didn't have any real responsibilities and could just throw stones at Washington and complain about how easy being President must be and how any idiot could do it? And now that he's President with a 33% approval rating and an administration that lurches from one unmitigated shit show to the next, maybe he's realizing that having the job isn't nearly as easy as running for it. So like, all he can do to stay sane is surround himself with cheering crowds to drown out all the self-doubt...yikes, how insecure is he?

Holy shit, that's it, isn't it? He holds rallies in safe, red regions full of dedicated supporters so he can bask in their adoration and applause. That's like...super sad. I almost feel-well, not bad for him but...something. Grudgingly somewhat less unsympathetic than usual?

Pictured: Trump at Thursday's rally in-wait, drain
the swamp? C'mon man, he's standing right there...

No Khan do!

There's no other way to say this: please don't make a mini-series about Khan. Why would I say this? I'll tell you why, because there's a hint of a possibility of a rumor that Nicholas Meyer, who, in addition to working on the new Star Trek: Discovery series, might also be working on a prequel mini-series about Khan. As in the wrath of. And the worst part? Meyer reportedly responded to the rumor with "I Khannot possibly comment." No, really. I'm suddenly very concerned about Discovery.

That's right trekkies, we may finally learn how Khan managed to stay
so buff and leathery while stranded on a barren, hostile planet for 15 years!

"Mike Nichols? Start trekking a
Conrad? Say, that sounds keen!"

The rumor, which according to a telephone-game of nerd websites all quoting one another, claims that Meyer, who was also the director and co-writer of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, has a secret side-project in addition to Discover and that that project is a prequel to TWoK (sorry, that's the acronym). Sigh. If you haven't seen Star Trek II, known by casual, less-obsessed fans as 'the good Star Trek movie,' shame on you. Go watch it, but first watch Space Seed, the original Star Trek episode that introduced Kahn. You could also watch Star Trek Into Darkness where Khan is Benedict Cumberbatch but it's an alternative universe and-oh, forget it, just read this.

Ok, I did warn you. 

This rumored miniseries would chronicle the riveting time Khan spends on the barren planet Ceti Alpha V thinking of ways to murder Kirk and watching his friends get picked off one by one by alien mind-control beetles. Still confused? Don't worry about it, the important thing is that this sounds like a terrible idea. Ok, so how can I criticize something that I haven't seen, doesn't actually exist yet and in fact, may never exist? Easy that's how. You see, this is the internet and I'm a fan with a strong opinion about Star Trek, so...you know, buckle them nerd belts.

Look, I liked The Wrath of Khan. I did. But I didn't like it because Khan's story was particularly interesting, I liked it because there was a good story. It's about friendship and getting older and why you shouldn't stick your face in the warp core. It's a good movie.

Pictured: Spock sticking his face right in the goddamn warp core.

This is Akuta. Kirk didn't like his
society's machine-god, so he phasered
it to death. Where's his mini-series?

My problem with this mini series idea, be it just rumor or actually a thing that may be made someday, is that I don't think I really care about Khan: The Ceti Alpha V years. He's only interesting in the Wrath of Khan because he's out for revenge and because he's played by Ricardo Montalban. But Montalban aside, he could just as easily been replaced by any of the countless people Captain Kirk had wronged over his decades of getting his crew killed and destroying alien civilizations and the movie would have been just as good, albeit less Montalban-y.

Anyway, I hope this is just a rumor. The last twenty years of Star Trek has been a lot of prequels, remakes and further prequels and after four or five more trips to the well, even I might just have to give up on it.

"It's a story that must be told. Again. For some reason."

-Nicholas Meyer