Let's Declare War on Biology!

Yeah. A war on biology. That's what what we're doing when we let transgender people use the right bathroom. At least that's the read from Tucker Carlson who, as a Fox News host, is only allowed to describe stuff that happens in terms of things we are and are not at war with.

"Weather continued its War on America today, bombarding the
 north east with upwards of six inches of military-grade snow.
Meteorologists blame the jet stream and Obamacare..."

"Am I the only one worried
about kids catching the gay?"

Ok, so why and how are we at war with biology exactly? The why is because a school board in Virginia added gender identity to its anti-discrimination policy. The thing that's got him frothing at the mouth like a rabid, helmet-haired dog is that transgender students may now use the bathrooms and locker rooms assigned to their correct gender instead of the ones marked for the gender to which they were assigned at birth. Oh and he's also pissed that parents can't opt to take their kids out of classes taught by trans people. 

Pfft...that's the federal government for you:
always pushing us around, collecting taxes,
telling us who we can and can't own...

For the how, he turns to Elizabeth Schultz, the one person on the board who had a problem with the new policy. Not because she has an issue with transgender people, but because she believes in state's rights:

"Well the question really comes down to whose agenda is this? And what have we done about government overreach into local school boards across the United States of America?" 

-School Board Member Elizabeth Schultz,

missing the entire point of everything

Schultz goes on to explain how the federal government is going to take away kid's lunch money if local school boards don't comply, which, ok, is sort of true. A school can loose its funding for failing to meet non-discrimination standards, but maybe they should try meeting the non-discrimination standards? I mean, is it so hard not to be dicks to one another? 

Pictured: Elizabeth Schultz waving her arms in impotent rage as the rest of the board
decides to brutally curtail her right to discriminate against transgender people.

Fact: It is biologically impossible for humans
to pee in the same room as the opposite sex

(source: basic biology)

Anyway, since it's Tucker Carlson's show, and journalism is alive in America, the host had to chime in with how right he thinks his guest is:

"Isn't it a little weird that a school which is supposed to be rooted in science, in the scientific method, is teaching now that there is no difference between men and women that you can change your sex when, of course, that's contrary to basic biology?"

-Tucker Carlson, suddenly a goddamn scientist

Perhaps someday science will come
up with a surgical treatment for whatever
makes Tucker Carlson such a fancy asshat.

Ok, no it's not weird and nobody's arguing about the biological difference between men and women, just the societal one that says we all have to lose our shit over which restroom somebody uses. Also, you can change your sex. Sex re-assignment surgery has been around since the 1930's. What is weird is that assholes like Elizabeth Schultz are freaking out over goddamn bathroom assignments when there are transgender kids (and adults) suffering constant bullying, ostracism and depression because they were born one sex on the outside but another sex on the inside. 

But you're right Liz, the real victims here are the local school boards and PTAs who are having their authority challenged by civil rights. Let's loose sleep over them. 

"Won't somebody please think of the school board?"

Zoinks! It's old man Dobson!

Today was the National Day of Prayer, so I hope you all took a moment to pray to whatever higher being or beings you believe in. Or if you don't believe, perhaps you meditated or contemplated life's deeper meaning and-just kidding. Today's all about Christianity, America's Official Religion®. Don't like it? Then move to Canada. You're in God's country.

Worshipers bring offerings of Molson and back bacon for Canada's deity,
Tobias the Lumberjack, in the hope that he will grant a bountiful harvest.

Dobson once employed a similar tactic
when trying to scare some developers
away from an abandoned amusement park.

Yeah it's the NDOP again and to celebrate, conservatives gathered in Washington D.C. this morning to listen to James Dobson try and scare the bejesus out of evangelicals with his dire predictions of the doom that awaits America if the Supreme Court legalizes same sex marriage:

"We're going to, by the way, be forced to participate in or to accept something that contradicts our faith."

-James Dobson, 

laying it on thick

That's right conservative Christians, soon you may be forced to marry another-oh, wait. He understands that the Supreme Court is deciding whether or not to legalize same-sex marriage? Not to make it mandatory, right? 

"By the power invested in me by Obamacare, I now pronounce you
man and man. You must now kiss the groom...while I watch."

-Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Do you strongly disagree, somewhat
disagree, somewhat agree or strongly
disagree, or would you prefer not to say?"

Ok, so Dobson thinks that somehow expanding the legal definition of marriage to include same-sex couples is going to lead America down a path of debauchery, degradation and slow-dancing and that only the power of Republican prayer can turn it around. Fine, that's super. But he also thinks the planet is 5,000 years young and that God is eager to use his omnipotence to personally intervene in the Supreme Court's decision making, but only if enough people squinch their eyes shut and wish really hard. Because prayer is basically how you fill out God's opinion polls. Why doesn't he just use phone banks or pop-up ads?

"And you'd better not tell Ginsburg..."

-Justice Scalia

Oh, and just so we're clear, I'm not mocking people who pray. If that's your thing, good for you. My problem is with people who pray to fuck up other people's wedding plans. That just seems like a dick move. And look, I honestly have no idea if prayer does or does not work, I'm just suggesting that if the Supreme Court doesn't find in favor of marriage equality, it's not going to be because James Dobson got a bunch of people together in a conference room to ask God to put the whammy on the Justices, it'll be because Antonin Scalia threatened to beat up Anthony Kennedy after school. Anyway, Happy National Day of Prayer or whatever. Now, please enjoy some more of James Dobson's ridiculous horseshit:

"I do not recall a time when the institutions of marriage and the family have faced such peril, or when the forces arrayed against them were more formidable or determined"

-James Dobson on how gay people will

literally end civilization as we know it

I'm sorry, is he thinking of gay people or the Orc armies of Sauron?

Batty McBiblequotes V. The Gays

In a stunning move, a 66 year-old Nebraska woman named Sylvia Driskell filed suit last week against all homosexuals. Like in the world. In an equally stunning move, some clerk somewhere took the paperwork she handed them and filed it. Yeah, like a real lawsuit instead of, oh, I don't know, calling security and getting her held for a psyche evaluation.

In Driskell's defense, the bleak endless expanse that is Nebraska would drive anyone batty.

I think there's a joke here, but I can't hear
 it over the deafening sound of historical
irony. At least I think it's irony...

Oh, and did I mention that she's suing on the behalf of God and Jesus? I didn't? Well, she is and if you're anything like me, you're probably wondering how that works. According to my research-what? I googled some things. Anyway, she's suing under title 42, chapter 21 subchapter I section 1983 of the U.S. code which makes it possible to sue on behalf of someone who, for whatever reason, can't themselves file suit. Its original purpose was to sue the Ku Klux Klan on behalf of their victims who would face retaliation but now it's being used by a lunatic to troll gay people on behalf of God and Jesus...

Speaking of two thirds of the holy trinity, why can't they file a lawsuit themselves? I realize that arguing with someone like Sylvia Driskell is a little like arguing with the color green, but I'd really like to understand how her brain works.

Pictured: An artist rendering.

"But it's such a schlep..."

She's suing on behalf of God, which presupposes that God is real, right? Great. Whether or not you think God is really a thing is immaterial, the point is that in order for her logic to make sense, God has to be a real, all-powerful, Sodom and Gomorrah smiting, plague of frogs dropping, beardo who rules the universe and has a beef with gays. See where I'm going here? Isn't it kind of the height of arrogance, not to mention the legal definition of insanity, for Sylvia Driskell to think that God needs her to go down to the Omaha office of the Nebraska District Court and file his wrath for him?

"The court finds the defendants
guilty...of being fabulous."

Obviously, this isn't going to go to court. I mean, apart from the logistics of hauling every gay person in the world (the suit names Homosexuals, like in general) into a courtroom, Driskell's not really suing for anything specific. She just wants a judge to rule on whether or not gayness is a sin, which, c'mon, everything's a sin according to the Bible. Entire chapters are nothing but lists of things that are sins. But since sins carry the legal weight of strudel, this entire thing is nothing more than another officially registered fuck you to gay people everywhere. Thanks Sylvia, thanks a heap...

Look, I'm not saying that God and Jesus don't deserve their day in court to address all the terrible things that gay people have done to them by existing and being so gay. I am however saying that Sylvia Driskell is obviously a crazy person and probably shouldn't be left unsupervised. Besides, shouldn't Jesus be suing the ancient Romans instead?

"Hey! Turn that off. I said no video!"

-Some Roman Soldier

Today in Narrowly Avoided Horrors:

Wow. So Caroll Spinney, the puppeteer who's played Big Bird (and Oscar the Grouch) for the last 45 years, recently revealed that NASA approached Children's Television Workshop about sending him, in costume, into space on the Challenger. Let that sink in.

If you're not weeping uncontrollably at the thought of what the world would have been like without
Caroll Spinney, you might be a Replicant. Think of this as a Voight-Kampff test, but with muppets. 

"Space? Bo-ring..."

-Kids in the '80's

If you're too young to remember, I'll explain, but since everything about the Challenger disaster is sort of my generation's Bambi's mom, I'm just going to give the broad strokes. The shuttle exploded shortly after take off back in January of 1986 in front of every grade schooler in the country. We were all tuned in because in addition to six astronauts, the shuttle was also carrying elementary school teacher and American goddamn hero Christa McAuliffe as part of a NASA program to get kids interested in outer space.

Ultimately, Spinney's trip didn't work out as the Big Bird puppet was too bulky for the close confines of the shuttle, so he, like the rest of us watched the launch on TV. It was shocking and terrible and traumatized a generation but I can't help but think about how utterly unhinged we'd all have become had Big Bird been aboard as well.

To recover from that thought, here's a scene from the West Wing 
in which Big Bird meets Allison Janney, which is the best.
Incidentally, why wasn't this the premise for a spin-off?
We could call it C.J. and the Bird. They could solve crimes.

Rick Santorum does not deserve a cookie.

"Yes I would! Oatmeal raisin."

"If he says he's a woman, then he's a woman..."

-Rick Santorum, no really,

those words came out of his mouth

Yes, Rick Santorum, speaking at a roundtable discussion in South Carolina (the Bible Beltiest Carolina®) has granted former Olympian Bruce Jenner his permission to be transgendered. And now I suppose he'd like a cookie or something.

Come on Rick, isn't there some way
that the earthquake was Jenner's fault?

Santorum, who name is a synonym for sex froth and for whom being a dick to the LGBT community is like 80% of his political platform, was, for some reason, asked by a BuzzFeed reporter to weigh in on Jenner's coming out. Presumably everyone was hoping for some of his trademark crazy but instead they got a weirdly live and let live answer. Where's the judgement? The out-of-context Leviticus quotes? I don't know about you, but there's something comfortable about Republicans foaming at the mouth and raving about Sodom and Gomorrah and pillars of salt. When they start to sound rational, I worry.

Santorum went on to say that his "responsibility as a human being is to love and accept everybody. Not to criticize people for who they are." Leaving many in attendance asking where is the real Rick Santorum, and what has he done with him.

Above: The most plausible explanation.

Oh, and because this is a room full of conservatives talking about transgender issues, somebody had to ask which bathroom Jenner should use now and yes, Santorum had and answer and yes, it was the most Republicany answer he could have come up with:

Is he running for President of the bathroom?
No? Then why is anyone asking him about this?

"I haven't got into the whole issue, and I don't think the federal government should get into the whole issue of bathrooms...I think those are things that the business community and local agencies and organizations should deal with."

-Rick Santorum demonstrating

his uncanny ability to shoehorn

state's rights into any conversation

He's not saying he supports trans people, just
that he acknowledges that they are technically people.
Which for Republicans, is downright mushy.

So why the sudden change of heart? Or, more to the point, why the sudden heart? Don't worry sex-froth fans, Rick hopped on Facebook yesterday to clarify his position:

"Many of you may have read a story published by the website BuzzFeed where I was asked for my thoughts regarding Bruce Jenner. My comment affirmed Jenner as a person, made by God in His likeness as we all are. It was meant to express empathy not a change in public policy. #compassion"

See? Santorum was just affirming Bruce Jenner's personhood, and not saying that if elected he would do anything to, you know, help transgender people or in anyway look out for them. Wow. I don't know, it seems like there may be something seriously wrong with your politics and the people who share them when you have follow up expressions of empathy and human kindness with a disclaimer so nobody thinks you've gone soft.

"Don't worry guys, ol'Rick still thinks those godless deviants are all going to hell."

#sexfroth

Bristol Palin: Victim of Service Delays!

You know with all the unrest in Baltimore shedding an uncomfortable light on race-realtions and police brutality in America, it's easy to forget the real victim: Bristol Palin, whose house sale has been delayed because the travel restrictions in Maryland have fucked up FedEx's delivery network. Fortunately TMZ is there to bring us up-to-the-minute coverage of what a shitty person Bristol Palin is for trying to sell her house at a time like this.

Did anybody stop to think about how this might effect Bristol Palin's realtor? #closingdatesmatter

It's a TV show where E-list famous
people dance and D-list people judge
them. It's also an example of why our
civilization probably isn't worth saving.

Ok, now brace yourselves everybody, because I'm about to leap to the defense of Bristol 'Abstinence-Only' Palin. Well, sort of. I mean, she is an idiot from a proud line of idiots and really only famous for Dancing with the Stars and being the daughter of America's foremost authority on willful ignorance, but TMZ are totally being dicks about this. Oh, and just to be clear, I don't like, read TMZ or anything. I only stumbled on their exclusive story while looking for a misleading headline for the last post. Here, click on this. See? Down at the bottom, the thing about Barbara Streisand. Ok, moving on.

TMZ, for reasons that only make sense to people who own four or more cats and read Star Magazine, has been following the story of this woman selling her house for weeks, and now that there's a tenuous connection to what's happening in Baltimore, this happens:

The byline reads: BY TMZ STAFF, because
it took a team of dedicated journalists
to 'write' nine sentences about nothing. 

Above: Bristol's parents eating breaded
chicken to protest marriage equality. 

Um, that's not a quote. Like, Bristol Palin never actually said that the riots are getting in the way of the sale, TMZ just wants you to think she did. They want you to imagine her scooting around the frozen wastes of Alaska on her snow machine, shooting at wolves and complaining about how the protests have completely screwed up her day. Of course, I'm not saying that any of this is outside of the realm of possibility, I'm just suggesting that TMZ has no way of knowing about it. They're just making shit up, which I suppose is kind of their job.

Maybe I'm asking a lot of a website where the top story as I write this is about how Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are waiting for a table at a sushi restaurant, but Baltimore is still on fire, Nepal has been reduced to rubble and four people and a dog just caught the plague in Colorado. The plague! Ok, fine. None of that is celebrity news, but there is a whole new Avengers movie out, can't they talk about that?

"It was ok. The first one was better."

-Everybody who's seen it

NASA: Crushers of Dreams

You know, I really wish the internet would stop lying to me about science. Check this out:

Pictured: Lies. Also, that's the wrong Enterprise. Pfft...losers.
Oh, wait the irony of that statement just hit me.

"Well, here's our god, Vaal. Although I'm not
sure why you need its precise coordinates..."

A real-life warp drive? That's mind-shattering news! Soon we'll be star trekking off into space, encountering aliens and throwing primitive societies into chaos by launching an orbital phaser bombardment against whatever malfunctioning computer they've been worshiping as a god. Yup. There's a bright future full of discovery and scientific achievement ahead of us. Except no, of course there's not. The whole thing is completely misleading and we'll probably all be killed in the upcoming Water Wars. Thanks a lot, NASA.

Above: The EM Drive...or possibly
 a craft brew kit. It's hard to tell.

Yeah, so NASA engineers didn't so much test a warp drive as they did successfully test and electromagnetic propulsion drive in a vacuum (as in a volume devoid of air, not like a Dyson) What's the difference? Well, one uses anti-matter to distort space-time and propel a starship at speeds here-to-for thought impossible. Once realized, the warp drive will carry humans to the furthest reaches of our own galaxy and beyond and usher in a new age for all mankind. The other is an electromagnetic propulsion drive.

This begs the question, what is NASA doing wasting their time with disappointing, non-warp drive experiments when they could be working on, oh, I don't know, warp drive?

Look, sooner or later an alien Tootsie-Roll is going to show up and demand to talk to whales (source: history).

We have two choices here: 

One: we can not drive them to extinction, or 

Two: when the time comes, we can simply warp back to the 1980's and pick some up at Sea World. 

C'mon, which would you rather do?

An artist's rendering.

As it happens, the EM drive is actually pretty cool for a couple of reasons-at least I think it is. I'm really only half-following what they're talking about. Anyway, first off, it's solar, meaning you don't have to carry fuel which would make space crafts lighter and less explosion-prone. Also, it can work in the vacuum of space, which is like, really complicated. Here on Earth, a jet engine works by sucking in air and then squirting it out. In space there's nothing to suck up. That's why they call it space. Instead, the EM drive converts electrical energy into the delta-v quantum plasma, and uh-it sucks up magic and wonder and then squirts our awesome as it sciences it's way though space. Because physics.

So congratulations to NASA, on what is certainly a big damn deal in the world of science. And a heart-felt boo! on the media coverage which tricked me into clicking on a story about NASA's new warp-drive only to disappoint me with NASA's new vacuum quantum-electro whatever. C'mon internet, we can handle honest headlines. You don't have to mislead us into reading about-holy shit, did Barbara Streisand bite a flight attendant?

Goddamnit internet...