Hey, you know what else is kinda garbage?

Russia. To be clear, I'm not referring to all of the people in Russia or even the geographical area that is Russia necessarily, but rather to the chest-thumping, mob-run, burnt out husk of a global super power that beat us to space. So what's my problem with the land that gave us Tetris and...well, mainly Tetris? This.

"Ridiculous! Russia is free and open society! We even spread democracy
around world. Are you saying you don't like president I choose for you?"

-Unrepentant oligarch

Vladamir Putin

Pictured: soccer, which
 I suddenly care about. 

Did you click? No? You didn't? You know what? Fine, don't worry about it, I'll explain. FARE, an organization that works to combat inequality in football (soccer football, not whatever it is we call football) is warning gay soccer fans not to hold hands or show signs of affection while attending the World Cup in Russia next year. How come? Because Russia is a seething, lawless cauldron of homophobic rage and FARE is concerned that foreign attendees might risk assault or worse by being all gay and shit.

"Look, maybe just watch the World
Cup on TV. Russia? Kinda garbage."

According to Piara Powar, executive director of FARE, the guide will:

"...advise gay people to be cautious in any pace which is not seen to be welcoming to the LGBT community. The same message is there for black and ethnic minority fans."

-Powar, agreeing with 

my earlier assessment 

Pictured: Russian riot police bravely
apprehending a kid with a rainbow flag.

Homosexuality isn't illegal in and of itself in Russia, but it is illegal to promote to minors thanks to a law entitled and I'm not kidding: 'for the purpose of protecting children from information advocating for a denial of traditional family values.' What the shit does that mean? Admittedly I'm not an expert on the Russian legal system, but I think the law just means whatever the arresting officer wants it to mean. You might recall anti-gay watch-dogs once went after a milk company because they had a rainbow on their cartons.

This guy made a career out of ranting about
 gay sex. It's just gay-gay-gay with him...

And look, I'm keenly aware that the U.S. is also chock full of petty-minded homophobic jerks, many of whom hold high office. We're still fighting in the courts with cake bakers and repair shop owners who insist that 'because Jesus' is valid legal ground to refuse service to gay people. Lawmakers seem to collectively loose their shit over who gets to use what bathroom, and have even tried to ban the word 'gay.' But at least in America we have the wherewithal to call homophobes out on their bullshit and publicly shame them on the internet.

I'd like to think that if the World Cup were held here in the States, foreign fans could at least feel safe in the knowledge that the danger they face just walking down our streets would be random and impersonal rather than a hate crime. Probably.

"Hey, it's nothing personal..."

-America