Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Today in late night twitter proclamations...

Above: The Twitter bird, rapidly eclipsing
the raven as the bird of grim portents.
Well that's a relief. It looks like we're going to look into November's questionable to outright fraudulent election results. Technical winner Donald Trump made the announcement on Twitter-yes, Twitter, from here on out I guess he'll be making all his chilling proclamations on social media. In fact, in the last 24 hours he declared that he'll be going forward with the Keystone Pipeline, praised Fox News for being more accurate than CNN, threatened Chicago with the National Guard, and announced plans for the border wall and his intention to pick a Supreme Court nominee.

But back to the thing about looking into the election results:
At 4:10 a.m? For real?
Finally, an investigation into...wait, did he say VOTER FRAUD? He did, which, he knows that that doesn't need to be in all caps right? Also, was voter fraud really the problem? Here's his follow-up tweet:
I wonder if the three minute gap between tweets is so his handlers
 can read it first and make sure he's not starting a war with China...
"It is, how you say, perfect crime, da?"
-The guy who picked
our President for us
Huh...voter fraud? Really? Not the rampant interference from the Russians that all of our intelligence agencies agree boosted Trump's campaign, damaged Hillary Clinton's and undermined our faith in our own democracy, no we're going to look into the universally debunked right-wing rumors of voter fraud. Based on what? A couple of studies one of which is straight up bullshit and the other is written by a guy called David Becker who says that no fraud actually resulted and in fact tweeted to that effect just yesterday in response to Sean Spicer's-huh? Oh yes, him again.

Good thing no one's ever going to
fact check anything you say, right Sean?
Reporters asked Spicer about the President's evidence-free claims of rampant voter fraud and to his credit he was clear that Trump believed there was fraud and not that he, Spicer, did. His carefully crafted mantra was 'it's a belief that he's had for a while, a concern about voter fraud that's based on studies and evidence people have presented to him.' So the Press Secretary wasn't really lying or alternative fact-ing this time, but he did bring up Becker's study, confused it with a different study and then misrepresented the results, so he's just bad at his job.

So yes, we totally need a major investigation into November's election, but not because dead people voted Democrat as the administration is continuing to insist in defiance of like all the evidence ever, but into the fact that Vladimir Putin stuck his grubby, ex-KGB mitts into our election and saddled us with an insecure man-baby who can't accept that more people voted for Hillary Clinton than for him and who now tweets crazy at four in the morning.
You know, if I thought he was capable of feeling shame I'd say that's the haunted expression
of someone who knows they don't deserve to be sitting in that chair. Someone being crushed by
the certain knowledge that most of us voted for someone else and who knows that it's only a matter of
time before karma or the universe or whatever catches up with him. But then this is Donald Trump so...

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