Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Let's judge a movie by the trailer!

Look, I'm not saying that they don't already have my eleven dollars, but seriously? Yeah, look out internet, this nerd's got an opinion about Star Trek, so buckle up.
It's about to get nerdy, so strap yourself in. 
"I saw them at Bonaroo and they
pleased me, so I let them live."
Behold, the trailer for next summer's third alt-universe-quasi-reboot Trek movie is out and I don't have a goddamn clue what it's about. I do know that twenty-third century space captain James Kirk is like super into The Beastie Boys, but whatever, people still listen to Beethoven and they're basically the Beethoven of the 90's, right? I guess Khan was into them too, because according to Star Trek's dated future, Sabotage would have been recorded in the middle of the brutal Eugenics wars and he didn't have them you know, purged.

Anyway, there's a lot of explosions and one-liners and some reptilian alien we've never seen before, who's presumably evil because you know, reptiles.
The message here is you shouldn't judge beings by their outward
appearance, except if they're reptilian, in which case, phasers on kill.
Above: A typical action scene
from Star Trek TNG.
It might be really good, it's hard to tell from a minute and a half of out-of-context reaction shots, quips and things blowing-up but my expectations are kind of low. The director, Justin Lin is known for his work on The Fast and the Furious movies, which I've never seen, but understand them to be about people who drive cars, presumably while angry. Me? I'm more of a Picard fan. I like my Star Trek about people solving their problems with confusing, technological-sounding dialogue and long-winded speeches about getting along. Preferably over a nice cup of tea. The recent Trek movies have skewed a little, well, big dumb action movie and Star Trek Beyond looks like it's going to carry on that tradition. 

"Nostalgia goes straight to my thighs..."
It's not that the Abrams-verse movies have been bad, they've just been whatever the storytelling equivalent of chocolate cake is. I don't know, empty nostalgia? They're more about reminding us about how cool we think Star Trek is rather than adding anything new. Remember The Wrath of Khan? That was great. Let's do that again. Supposedly this movie isn't another retread like Into Darkness, but instead a new story, so that's good. 

On the other hand, studios aren't usually in the business of taking risks on heady, intellectual, sci-fi movies, not when Guardians of the Galaxy made like all the money ever, so yeah, I'm going to go ahead and not get my hopes up.
"Is there any way we can make this new movie more like Guardians of the Galaxy?
Maybe have Kirk listen to The Beastly Boy again? Oh and what if instead of just
some guy, Sulu was like a tree monster, you know, like Groot. The kids love Groot."

-Some movie exec

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