Monday, November 2, 2015

Today in it's about goddamn time...

Buckle your nerd belts kids, because the EPS conduit behind your console is about to explode in shower of sparks and awesome: there's going to be a new Star Trek show.
Above: Ensign Monroe about to get a face full
of awesome...also, super-heated plasma. 
Pictured: Spock nerve pinching Khan atop
a flying garbage truck in Into Darkness.
Not Pictured: cohesive story-telling.
The gesture you're looking for is 'fist pump.' After more than a decade with only J. J. Abrams's big dumb action movies to sate our Trekkish appetite, there's finally going to be new Star Trek. Awesome right? Yes, mostly. Although I should probably also warn you that it's going to be co-produced by Alex Kurtzman, one of the writers of the aforementioned big dumb action movies. There, I said it. Most of the Star Trek movies were dumb. Entertaining, but dumb. I have high hopes for the new series though. Star Trek just works better on TV.

Above: Picard discovers what it must be like
trying to communicate with Star Trek fans.
Remember that TNG episode where Captain Picard is trapped on a planet with this alien who speaks only in obscure cultural references? And then the crew has to figure out the alien's language before their he and the Captain get mauled to death by TV-budget Predator? No? Go watch it. TNG, season 5, Darmok. I'll wait...back? There're barely any explosions and not a single fist fight on top of a flying garbage truck. Instead, it's 48 minutes of taut, anthro-linguistic action. Good TV, sure, but it would never work in a movie. That's why First Contact ends with Jean-Luc punching the Borg queen.

You see the Jem'hadar are-you know what?
I'll spare you the explanation. Just know
that it's an apt analogy and move on.
The new series is set to premier in January of 2017 and we know pretty much nothing about it. Re-boot universe, Prime universe, prequel, sequel, who knows? We do know that it's going to be online only. In order to see it you'll have to subscribe to CBS's subscription-based streaming service. For $5.99 a month you'll get not only the new Star Trek but also CBS's excellent line up of-sorry, I can't make it through that with a straight face. What do they have? Survivor? NCIS? I mean, I'll sign up for it. I won't feel good about it, but I'll do it. I'm like a Jem'Hadar and this is my ketracel white.

Anyway, January of 2017 sounds far off, but really it's only fourteen months away. Just fourteen months to move to LA and convince CBS that I'd be perfect for the role of Th'rah'ssk'Kdhke'll, the spunky young Andorian Starfleet Captain who leads the crew of the Enterprise-H into thrilling new adventures...and also enjoys tennis, I guess...
Here's an artist's rendering of the role I was born to play.
Incidentally, the internet is full of some seriously weird shit.

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