Monday, February 2, 2015

Wow, that was some sports thing, right?

Hey, did you watch the Superball? No, me neither. I guess we'll just have to fake our way through every conversation at work today.
"Hey, did you see the part when the guy kicked
the thing? That was the best. I sure love the sports."
Thanks football, thanks for nothing...
As I may have mentioned once or twice before, I'm not really a sports guy. I've tried to muster enough interest to sit through an entire football game, but holy shit, those things are like three and a half hours long. I looked it up, and they're only supposed to last 60 minutes, but the clock gets stopped like every three seconds so it takes forever. I think it's sort of like how traveling at close to the speed of light distorts time, so by the time the game ends, years, maybe centuries will have passed and the world you know will be long gone.

"Alright, products! We love those!
Hey, after the game, let's go buy some!"

Anyway, I mention this so you can see where I'm coming from when I say there's a lot I don't get about football in general. The yards, the scrimmage, why we call that thing a ball when it's pointy and un-balllike. But the Superbowl, which I take to be the Oscars of football, just blows my mind. Like, why does everyone look forward to the commercials? I mean, they're just ads, right? Psychological Trojan Horses we willingly allow through the front gate and then go to sleep so they can burst open in our minds and we wake up with an uncontrollable urge to go buy Skittles and whatever the hell sell.

And why is everyone upset with Katy Perry for lip-syncing the half-time show? I mean, you're probably watching her on TV either way, so why do you care?
Sorry to disappoint, but Katy Perry is not only not singing live, but she's
also not four inches tall and living in your television, so cut her some slack.
Pictured: Rome being sacked by the Vandals
who, I'm assuming, were sick of the Romans
and their stupid, pretentious numerals.
Hey, and what's up with the Roman numerals? Like, yesterday was Superbowl XLIX, which, by all rights should be pronounced Superbowl Eckslicks, because this is America and Roman numerals are ridiculous. Sure, I suppose that they're trying to be classy, but this is a game traditionally enjoyed with Budweiser and Doritos (dammit advertising!) which, let's face it, taste like feet. And far be it for me to rip on a civilization that basically owned Europe, North Africa and parts of the Middle East for centuries, but their numbering system was clumsy, hard to read and made up of goddamn letters. Letters!

Why then are we asking people with sports-related head injuries, and sports-watching related inebriation to parse out history's most hilarious mathematical system?
"Woo! Time for Superbowl X...L, extra-large? No. L is fifty? So L minus X?
What's that, forty? Then, I, X...You know what? Screw it, let's see if tennis is on."

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