Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Sic semper asshats!

Now if someone wanted to compose a
 poem about said mustache, we can talk.
I admit that sometimes I get irrationally irritated when a word gets overused. 'Literally' would be a good example, but everyone's sick of hearing about it, so let's take 'epic'. It's supposed to refer to a story about a hero or an exciting event, but somehow it's become totally acceptable to use it to describe a really good party or a unnecessarily long movie. Sometimes we use it to describe someones mustache. Like, what the hell? Unless that mustache killed Grendel, we're totally cheapening the word 'epic.'

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about is this asshat: Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, who recently took the word 'tyranny' and used it to describe the rapid erosion of same-sex marriage bans in the U.S. after District Court Judge Callie Grenade overturned Alabama's ban on Friday.
As has become traditional, Judge Grenade issued a two-week stay on Sunday so that
homophobes can get an appeal together. Of course, I'm not sure why they need two whole
 weeks when all they're going to come up with is Because Jesus, but still, the law's the law.
Huh, they taste a little like sour grapes...
"As of this date, 44 federal courts have imposed by judicial fiat same-sex marriages in 21 states of the Union, overturning the express will of the people in those states. If we are to preserve that "reverent morality which is our source of all beneficent progress in social and political improvement," then we must act to oppose such tyranny!" 

crying in his goddamn Cheerios, because
the courts say gay people have rights too

Yeah. Tyranny. Because asking States to treat gays and lesbians equally under the law when it comes to the tax-breaks, adoption and hospital visitation rights that come along with marriage is just another example of oppressive government rule. 
Behold: The brutal tyranny imposed by our cruel overlords.
The Constitution: It says pretty
much whatever you want it to say.
I'm not like, a lawyer, but it seems that his argument is based on two points. First, that the Federal Court, in striking down Alabama's ban on gay marriage is trampling on the 10th Amendment which says that powers not specifically enumerated in the Constitution belong to the State. Secondly, on the Alabama Supreme Court ruling that "marriage is a 'divine institution' imposing upon the parties higher moral and religious obligations than those imposed by any mere human institution or government." Uh-huh, a 'divine institution.'

Above: What doctors say will happen to
your brain if you think about this too hard.
Sounds a little religion-y, but doesn't the First Amendment prohibit any law respecting an establishment of religion? So like I said, I'm not a constitutional scholar or anything, and he's a Judge, but yeah it sounds like he's trying to have it both ways. He's totally down with the 10th Amendment when he's cherry-picking a couple lines from Leviticus as grounds to deny civil rights to gay people, but the First Amendment can suck it if anyone tries to tell him he can't make Jesus-ism the official religion of Alabaman theocracy.

Incidentally, what the shit is up with anti-gay marriage people holding up opposite-sex marriage as the only thing holding our civilization back from spiraling into the dystopian chaos of a Mad Max movie? Like is there some magical power of societal stability that only comes from straight, married sex?
Pictured: Alabama after same-sex marriage causes the collapse
of civili-actually, that might be Alabama right's hard to tell.
Patricia's new campaign slogan:
Don't fuck with me. Seriously.
I will break you. Vote Todd.
Because if that's the case, then the people of Alabama are about to have a problem. State Representative Patricia Todd is threatening to go the media with her fellow Representatives many extra-marital affairs if they don't back off and stop trying to stymie marriage equality in the state. Todd, Alabama's only openly gay lawmaker, says she's fed up with these jerks who spend their days railing against gay people and bloviating about family values while Gingriching* all night.

It may sound like a jerk move, I mean, the personal lives of lawmakers aren't really anyone else's business-wait, no, actually it's an awesome move. Awesome, both in the literal sense of awe inspiring and the informal sense of kick-ass.
*to Gin-grich, 
verb \giŋ-gər'ich\ 
to have an extra marital affair, whilst at the same time leading impeachment proceedings against a sitting President for an extra marital affair. 

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