Tuesday, January 6, 2015


The sexually unfulfilled finally
have their Lord of the Rings.
Check this out fans of instant gratification: If you have Amazon Prime, live in 'select areas' of Manhattan and are that seemingly contradictory combination of lazy and rich, Amazon will deliver to your door in an hour. It's called Amazon Now all it will cost you is $7.99 and your self-respect. I say self-respect because if you have Amazon Prime, you're already giving the company $100 a year for the privilege of buying things from them, but now you can cut out the interminable two-to-three business day wait and start reading your Fifty Shades Trilogy boxed set in just 60 minutes. Behold: the future is here!

But wait, it gets better: for impatient customers who are also cheap, the service is free if you're able to hold out for two full hours. Just two hours! See? America is all about choice.
Just how badly do you want your heart to resume beating?
These quality sanitary belts can be
on your doorstep by mid-June!
Sure, you'll spend that extra time cursing yourself for your misguided frugality, I mean, two hours? What is this, the 1800's? If you wanted to wait for your purchase, you'd have dusted off a copy of the Sears Roebuck catalogue and made yourself comfortable. You're a busy person goddamnit. What's a paltry $7.99 compared to the sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing that someone is risking life and limb weaving their way through deadly Manhattan traffic to sate your hunger for more crap? It's a good thing Amazon.com is looking out for you. Which, they are, right?

This could be you!
(Spoiler alert: it won't be).
Ehh...it may seem like they're selflessly coming up with new ways to improve your life, but it's possible they're just exploiting their customers' impatience. You see, when something you want is a day or two away, you might stop and ask yourself if you really need it. Sure, you tell yourself that once you buy that pedometer, you'll totally start jogging, but then a voice in your head steps in and reminds you that exercise is stupid and that in two days when it arrives you'll just hate yourself for buying it in the first place. 

Amazon knows this, that's why they want you to buy now and ask questions later. Their hope is to create a delivery system so fast, so efficient as get you your order faster than the neurons can fire and make you think twice about it. Once it's in your hands, you're much less likely to change your mind. Sure, you could send it back, but that's a lot of work and you'd have to wrap it back up and take it to UPS or something and just forget it...
Above: the part of the brain responsible for buyer's remorse.
Amazon hopes to have a drug that will deaden this sensation on the
market by 2021. Until then, just try not to think about what you're ordering.
That's close enough. Set the box on the
ground and back away, slowly... 
Oh, and in case you were wondering where the robots fit into all of this, allow me to disappoint you: this isn't the drone delivery service they've been teasing us with for months. This will still necessitate an actual delivery human showing up at your place and knocking on your door, you know, like it's the dark ages. I mean, you're paying Amazon precisely because you don't want to interact with people, why would you want someone judging you as you sign for your rushed copy of Gone Girl on Blu-ray, which you only ordered because you heard you can totally see Ben Affleck's junk in it. And they know it...

When a quadcopter rings your doorbell, there's no judgement, no accusing eyes, just cold, impersonal technology and really isn't that what we all want? Well, that and the exact time at which to pause freeze Gone Girl?
"I think the scene you're looking for is about
two hours, four minutes in, 
and, you're welcome." 
-Helpful Drone

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