Monday, January 19, 2015

Google Glass: We hardly knew ye...or cared.

Remember Google Glass? No? Sure you do, it's a wearable, internet connected device that makes people hate you. Like, really hate you. I mean, passersby will rip them off your face, stomp on them and then accuse you of being personally responsible for the gentrification of San Francisco. True story.
That's not the phone number, that's the rent. Thanks Google Glass...
The whole point of drinking is to think
you're awesome for a while. Seeing
video of yourself later defeats this. 
Anyway, while tech reviewers kind of dug it, the general consensus was that it kind of makes you look like a dipshit and the fact that it can record video makes you the person to avoid at any party. If I'm talking about you, let me be clear: nobody wants everything they do and say at a party immortalized for all time. Take off that ridiculous space-camera and try interacting with your fellow humans. There. I've said it. Sorry, I get irrationally angry about this thing, but it really was stupid and lame, so much so that they're pulling it off the market. Today. Finally.

If only there was some way to
strap the internet to our faces...
Supposedly this is so Googgle can go back to the drawing board and maybe redesign Glass so that doesn't send complete strangers into a violent rage. The plan is to re-release a more mainstream (re: less smack-worthy) version down the road, but I'm thinking that if you didn't already get one, you've missed your one and only chance to drop $1500 on something that does everything your smartphone does, but without you having to look down like a goddamn barbarian.

Oh well, so long Google Glass. I'm sure we'll see you again, perhaps 20 years from now being mocked by marginally famous people on VH1's We Love the 20-teens. The sad irony is that we'll likely be watching on our fancy internet glasses.
"Pfft...Google Glass. God, people were idiots back then."
-Everyone in the future

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