He knows what Bastille Day's about, right?

Say, this is interesting. The President is in France right now at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. He's apparently going to be the guest of honor at France's Bastille Day celebrations which...first let's back up. You might remember Macron as the guy who hilariously stared down America's technical electoral college winner/President Donald Trump while crushing his hand in an explicit move to establish dominance. It was great.

"Bienvenue en France, Monsieur le president...zat loud
crunching sound? No, I have no idea what zat could be..."

-Emmanuel Macron, subtly squeezing
the ever-living shit out of Trump's hand

Above: Tout les
stéréotypes français.

But you also might recall that he's the progressive candidate who in a recent election defeated a conservative, nationalist opponent around whom swirled allegations of Russian-backed election interference. Sound familiar? Yes, because France is a country living in a wonderful parallel universe where the good guys won, health care is a right and everyone takes their wine and cheese like, super seriously. 

"What did we ever do to you?
Wait, don't answer that..."

-Some French aristocrat

So it's a little weird to me that that Macron would invite Trump, an aristocratic goon who inherited his fortune and shows nothing but contempt for the poor, to hang out at a celebration of the French Revolution-a bloodier, head-choppier sequel to our own. And look, I went to public school so for me any historical narrative that wasn't presented in the form of a School House Rock video whenever the teacher needed a break is a little hazy, and I admit that I might be oversimplifying complex socio-political factors in order to draw a specious parallel to current events in America, but still...

I mean, I can't help but wonder if this isn't Macron's way of reminding Trump that you can only push people so far before starving and desperate, they rise up against the ermine-trimmed, be-powdered wig'd goons who thought themselves untouchable and start marching them to the head chopping machine. Oh, and did I mention that even has his own Versailles?

Sorry, that's an unfair comparison.
Mar a Lago doesn't let tourists in.

"Ok, we're going to need you to turn around
and get back on the plane until we conduct
some, uh extreme vetting...or whatever."

But I think the real question here is is there any chance we can impose some kind of really specific travel ban before he gets back? Like, just for him? I mean, what with trying to dismantle our healthcare, handing the internet over to goddamn Comcast, plus all the Russia stuff, conflicts of interest and unstable Tweets in the wee hours of the morning, isn't he like way more suspicious than some Iranian family who just wants to take a vacation in Branson, Missouri or go to California Adventure or whatever?

Today in studiously avoiding priest jokes...

Hey, here's something not related to the ongoing political shitshow into which our country is descending: tv shows about video games. Buckle up nerds and non-nerds, because we're going into the weeds.

Whattaya mean mixed metaphor? Buckle up, because we're going
off-roading...into the nerdy long grass of obscure video game knowledge.

"Hey, what's that you're damning us with?
Is that faint praise? It is, isn't it..."

So over the weekend I watched the animated Castlevania show, and it was-huh? Remember when we talked about it being a thing that was happening? Well, it's happened and it's, um, well it's interesting. As I mentioned back in February, the series is specifically based on Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse (with some Symphony of the Night thrown in), which is kind of weird because who remembers the plot details of a 28-year old video game? Ok, well obviously I do, but then I'm the one writing a blog about it so...

To be clear, I didn't say a lot more
complex, Castlevania's plot is 'go kill 
things for points because vampires.'

For those unfamiliar with the video game series, or the February post I mentioned (shame on you), Castlevania games are usually action/platformers with some of them drifting into action/RPG territory. RPG's typically have complex stories, but the plot of action games, especially those from the 80's, are usually 'go kill those things for points or whatever.' Castlevania's was a bit more complex. You usually play as a member of the Belmont (in this case Trevor Belmont) family who are cursed to fight Dracula once a century. And then I suppose just hang out the other 99 years....

At least that's the U.S. localization. In Japan it's even more complicated, giving Dracula a back story about his wife being burned at the stake for being a witch and he and his son Alucard having a falling out over how to deal with it. Dracula wants to murder everyone in the world and Alucard is all 'live and let live...' Heavy shit, right?

It would be almost Shakespearean if Shakespeare wrote plays
about fighting Frankenstein with crucifix-shaped boomerangs.

"Yeah, I just meant I want it to make a
ton of money. Like Game of Thrones."

-Adi Shankar

Yes. And it gets heavier as the four-episode series goes on. Producer Ad Shankar did say back in February that he wanted this to be like Game of Thrones...and that he wanted to subvert the vampire propaganda. But, whatever, like Thrones, Castlevania is...grim. Like, grim. Super gory,  there're entrails and eyeballs all over the place, and it's pretty adult too. We listen to some farmer regale a guy at the bar with a story of goat-rape, Trevor Belmont gets kicked the balls twice, and priests. Holy shit, whoever's writing this maybe has a thing about priests?

"Yeah, but what have priests done
recently...wait, don't answer that."

In the show, the Church is responsible for murdering Dracula's wife and bringing down his wrath, but they're also pretty power-hungry and want Trevor to bugger off for, I don't know, Church reasons? It's kind of unclear. The point is that I think Trevor actually kills more priests than monsters in this show, which was a little weird. I mean what did the Catholic Church ever do to...ok, other than the Crusades, the Inquisition, and that time they went after Galileo for math. Math he was right about...ok, never mind.

Above: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Because fuck Sharknado. You can't
just set out to make a terrible movie.

One big disappointment was that the series is missing the game's music which is a shame because it's amazing. I guess the sometimes rock, sometimes jazzy music probably didn't fit the show's dark and gritty tone, but still, bummer. Oh well, as video game adaptations go, it was pretty good...yeah, ok, you got me. Being a decent game adaptation is a little like being the tallest Smurf or the least sycophantic member of the President's cabinet, but still, not everything's going to be Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

But you know what is going to be a lot more like Game of Thrones? The Witcher show Netflix is doing next. The game it's based upon is itself based on a book series. It sort of takes the sex and violence of GOT and mixes in the werewolves and vampires of Castlevania. So to put it in business-y corporate terms: Netflix is going to synergize the shit out of their brand appeal with this new content.

Pictured: a scene from Witcher III: Wild Hunt in which Geralt of Rivia and Yennefer
are about to totally do it while riding a unicorn. Ball's in your court, Game of Thrones.

Maybe if we ask him nicely to please stop?

Oh, and speaking of that whole 'Russia picked the President for us last time' thing. This...sigh...tweet from the technical winner of the 2016 election:

I say it's about time we did something about many other negative things.

"Da, you can ask, but this has really
been working out for ol'Vlad..."

-ol'Vlad

Wait, what? Putin and Trump at the G20 summit discussed forming an impenetrable Cyber Security (his caps, not mine) unit? To prevent election hacking? The election hacking everyone is pretty confident Putin ordered? The hacking of an election that saw Trump elected by a minority of voters over a candidate who was not only ahead in all the polls, but was objectively a million times more qualified than him? That's the election hacking they want to prevent? Wouldn't it just be easier to ask Putin to please stop screwing with our elections in the first place?

It just seems like it might save us some money on the matching polo shirts with 'Cyber Security Unit' embroidered on them.

So they'd be something like the Geek Squad from Best Buy except
instead of charging you $80 for a $5 HDMI cable, they'd be the only thing
 that stands between us and a total collapse of American democracy.

Oh, right, that time they let Trump run
on the GOP ticket. Way to go guys.

Anyway, even the GOP thinks this is a preposterous, terrible idea. Senator Marco Rubio compared it to '...partnering with Assad on a Chemical Weapons Unit.' While Senator Lindsay Graham said it's: 

"...not the dumbest idea I've ever heard but it's pretty close." 

-Lindsay Graham on...huh,

I wonder what the dumbest

idea he's ever heard is?

Graham went on Meet the Press with Chuck Todd to criticize the president's broner for Russia (it's a boner, but for your brah. You're welcome) for the ex-head of the KGB: 

The only person? Really? Has
he not met these idio-sorry, people?

"When it comes to Russia, I am dumbfounded, I am disappointed, and at the end of the day he's hurting his presidency by not embracing the fact that Putin is a bad guy...He is literally the only person I know of who doesn't believe Russia attacked our election in 2016."

-Senator Graham, dumbfounded, 

disappointed but I hope not surprised.

Right? I mean, he can't be surprised...

Aww...how could I stay mad at that face?

I don't know. It's hard to admit that I agree with anything these guys have to say, but I am with them. Ok, not on that part Graham said about how 'at the end of the day, he's hurting his presidency.' Mostly because I don't care about his presidency and probably won't ever visit his Presidential library. But the part about what a terrible idea this Russia/U.S. crack team of Cyber Cops is. Graham went on to suggest that Trump has a 'blind spot' when it comes to Russia, but I'm not sure that's the right phrase. Like, a blind spot is something you have for beloved pet that pees on the carpet, but you don't care because you love it. This is, you know, way the fuck worse. 

Like, of course Trump doesn't see Putin as a bad guy, he got him his job. That's not a blind spot, that's delusion at best, collusion at worst. 

Blind spot, selective ignorance or straight-up
collusion. They're none of them great options.

From Russia with Vehemence

Well that's a relief. Um...aren't you going to ask me what's a relief? No? Ok, fine. I'll explain. At the G20 Summit Donald Trump asked Vladimir Putin about the election meddling thing, you know, the interference that every intelligence agency on the planet agrees not only took place but was personally ordered by Putin himself? And guess what? He said neyt.

"There you have it everybody. The word of the former leader of the KGB that he didn't
interfere with our election to get me elected. Proof positive that I'm totally legitimate."

-The President on how we're all idiots

I guess I'll just pack it in. After all, the subjects
of my investigation just denied it. Twice. Strongly.

-Special Counsel Robert Meuller

I know, I know, sounds fishy right? I mean, that's exactly what someone who did interfere with our elections would say, right? Well if I may quote the President during the debates which he totally won, "Wrong." Yeah, not only did he ask Putin about the meddling, he asked twice. Strongly. In his words:

"I strongly pressed President Putin twice about Russian meddling in our election. He vehemently denied it. I've already given my opinion..."

-Trump, removing all doubt forever

"Mouse? What mouse? That's just more 
liberal fake news. Also, uh...Obama."

-Some cat

Obviously the guy who directly benefited from the alleged interference asking the strongman who rules Russia through a combination of cronyism and disappearing political rivals about said interference isn't exactly the same thing as a thorough, independent investigation when it comes to getting at the truth. And sure, Trumps impromptu photo op/interrogation doesn't have the same force of law as testifying under oath or say Tweeting inarticulately in the wee hours of the morning, but if it's good enough for the guy who 'won' the election, shouldn't it be good enough for all of us? 

I think the real question here, is when are we going to get to the bottom of all those illegal voters the President's fragile ego concocted to make him feel better about the fact that most of us voted for Clinton? I mean the sooner we crack that case, the better we'll all sleep.

And the sooner Trump can get down to the serious business of dismantling our health care,
finding jobs for his kids and generally embarrassing us in front of the rest of the world.
Wait, hang on, no seriously, what the shit is the President's daughter doing there?

Let's un-Brexit!

Pictured: The Moon. It's basically our 51st
State and 2nd most barren after Arizona.

Happy Fourth of July everybody! Really, I mean that. We're doing great. 241 years into the great experiment and we abolished slavery and made everybody, well, sort of equal. If you squint and tilt your head...oh, and we single-handedly won World War II and the space race. We won the space race, didn't we? I mean, sure, Russia got into space first but we were first on the moon, so now we don't even need to go back. Anyway, it's been nothing but smooth sailing for America.

2016 was a good year for blond
men with terrible, terrible ideas.

Yup, we're in for another century of prestige and global influence. Oh, and just curious, how's Britain doing? Good? Still with what's its name? The European Union? No? You don't say? They dumped it? Why? They seemed so...oh, a referendum and a faction that used nationalism and fear to energize their base by blaming external forces for their problems? Wow, and the outcome was unexpected and one that not even the winners knew what to do with? We can relate. Do they ever, you know, mention us? The U.S. I mean?

What? No, I'm not saying we want to get back together, I mean, we're doing great on our side of the pond, one bad election doesn't mean we throw in the towel, but...do you think they'd be open to it? Like, would it be weird if we asked them out for coffee? Oh right, tea. They like tea. Just, hey, if you happen to talk to the U.K, maybe test the waters, you know?

"Well, well, come crawling back have we?"

-Queen Elizabeth, maybe
enjoying this a bit too much

More like R2-D-too much...

Look, I'm not saying that I'm great with money, but can you believe this? Somebody just payed $2.75 million for R2-D2. Yes, 2.75 million dollars of money...

...for the blue one. Trust me, you don't want the red one.

It doesn't even come with Kenny Baker.

To be clear, this is an R2-D2 prop assembled from various R2-D2's-or is it R's 2-D2? Like mothers in law? Whatever, it's the R2-D2 that was actually used in filming both the original and prequel trilogies, so it is legitimately a chunk of film history, albeit a cobbled together one. But $2.75 million? That's like 110 college educations. Or health insurance for a thousand people for a year. Or an apartment in San Francisco (I'm topical!). The point is, I think R2-D2 is neat and all but anyone who spends that much on a movie prop, should not be allowed to have that much money.

Whoever bought the hollow, lifeless shell of everybody's favorite sassy fictional repair droid at auction is remaining anonymous which is probably a good thing because they are, at present, safe from ridicule. From me. And just to prove that this isn't nerd bias, I'd like to point out that I called out some similar acts of crazy town fan-stravagance when trekkies dropped $61,000 on the shuttle craft Galileo and $231,000 for a phaser. Yes, a single, prop phaser. Because something is wrong with America.

Above: College students enjoying a few years of freedom
before they settle in for a lifetime of crippling debt.

No, I can't go a day without knocking
him. Can he go a day without being
 terrible at his job? That's what I thought.

I don't know if you remember, but way back in 2011, I suggested that the way to fix America's wealth disparity would be to institute a system of level caps, like in an MMORPG. If you prefer to live in the now, I'll recap: I say we set a limit on the amount of money an individual should be allowed to accumulate. Because no matter how good you are at football or venture capitalism or just putting your name on buildings in giant, tacky gold letters no one, no one needs to have $2.75 million to blow on some pretend robot.

Look, I don't want to tell other people what to do with their millions of dollars but...wait, that's not true, I totally want to do that. And why not? With wealth inequity rapidly spiraling out of control, I don't think it's all that unreasonable to call bullshit on things like this. I mean, sooner or later we're going to have to fix this problem or brace ourselves for something akin to the French Revolution but in 21st century America...so, more guns. Lots more guns.

So did the French aristocracy not think that flaunting their ridiculous wealth
in front of the starving masses was going to bite them in the ass someday?
I'm not saying that they had it coming but, they kind of had it coming...

Do they know it's Canada Day at all?

You want drama? New Brunswick almost
didn't sign. But then their representative
 found his pen. It was touch and go there.

So um, Happy Canada Day! In honour of the vast, underpopulated provinces and territories to the north, I'd like to take this moment and ingratiate myself to them and their Queen, long may she reign, by recognizing their sesquicentennial. Yup, one hundred and fifty years ago today, the colonies of Canada, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick Voltroned up to become Canada, a Dominion of the British Empire and I think that's super. Sure it wasn't as dramatic as the rocket's red glare or the bombs bursting in air, but I think we could all do with a little less drama, don't you?

Luckily for us, Justin Trudeau isn't
the kind of guy to build a border wall.

Which brings us to why I'm sucking up. Moving to Canada is something of a half-serious joke to a lot of us anytime the President we didn't vote for wins, but few actually go through with it. And I'm not saying I've ever seriously looked into it, but goddamn, did you see this NRA thing that came out a couple days ago? Huh? Sorry, I can't actually hear you, this is just a blog. If you have, skip down a bit, if you haven't check out the NRA's new recruitment video. It's the kind of thing that might convince to to try and make a break for it.

Here, if you haven't watched it, I'll sum up. But really, do watch it, it's a treat. In it, conservative radio host Dana Loesch nearly gives herself an aneurism describing how:

Ok, it is actually an unfair comparison.
Hitler didn't even have a Twitter account.

'They use their media to assassinate real news, they use their schools to teach their children that their president is another Hitler. They use their movie stars and singers and comedy shows and award shows to repeat their narrative over and over again. And then they use their ex-President to endorse the resistance. All to make them march, to make them protest, make them scream racism, and sexism and xenophobia and homophobia..." 

-Dana Loesch, about to

pop a blood vessel

Oh, and in case she wasn't being super-clear, the 'they' she's describing, is, I think, the segment of the American population who either didn't vote for Trump or did and now agree that he's doing a shitty job. So most of us. By a lot.

Of course, his well attended Inauguration Day certainly-oh, that's the
Women's March the day after the inauguration. Huh, I keep confusing the
two, which is weird because people actually came out for the Women's March.

Sorry, too soon? But seriously, we were all
shocked. Some because it was cancelled,
others because Tim Allen wasn't in jail. 

Ok, so lots to unpack here. First of all, you can't assassinate news. You can deliver news, you can report the news, you can even turn the cameras off in your press room, or insult morning TV hosts but you can't assassinate news. That's just the wrong verb. And don't conservatives have comedy shows too? Remember Last Man Standing? Also, as far as the accusations of racism, sexism, xenophobia and homophobia goes? Border wall, Billy Bush tape, travel ban and did you know June was Pride Month? Because Trump apparently didn't.

"Hey, don't go dragging me into this..."

-An artist's rendering of

the kind of person who 

sends letter bombs

She then goes on to paint a grim portrait of conservatives being bullied by those asshole lefties and their stubborn insistence on not being cool with the guy who lost the popular vote single handedly Tweeting away what's left of America's respect on the global stage. And then she makes it weird. Like, ominous and weird:

"The only way we stop this, the only way we save our country and our freedom, is to fight this violence of lies with the clenched fist of truth."

-Dana Loesch, not at all sounding like the

 kind of person who sends letter bombs

"Fake news is anything not Tweeted
 by me at three in the morning."

Holy shit, I mean, who talks like that? But Loesch isn't advocating violence. Here's what she told the New York Times-wait, aren't they supposed to be fake? It's hard to keep track.

"I hardly think that condemning violence is inciting violence..."

-Dana Loesch, apparently 

incapable of hearing herself talk

...but something tells me they're not
cheering for the great melting pot. 

So remember like a minute ago when the Dana Loesch in the NRA video said the thing about the left screaming about the right's racism, sexism and various phobias? That was the left being intolerant of intolerance. Which is intolerable. What she's doing is condemning violence in a recruitment video for a gun lobbying group. The important thing is not to think about it too hard, the point is that the NRA is doing its part to stick up for white people. Did I say white people? I meant American values. 

Anyway, like I said before, I have no plans to move to Canada. If anything, Dana Loesch should probably leave. But where should she go? Not Canada certainly, they have affordable healthcare and speak two languages. What she needs is somewhere with no gun laws and no one to call her out on being a racist or a homophobe, so...the lunar surface?

"What, this? I'm not advocating violence, I'm just suggesting that
the clenched fist of truth might be clenched around an assault rifle."

-Dana Loesch, peacenik