Going Full Palpatine

What, are their totally lack of skills
and experience needed elsewhere?

Rest easy everyone, that gameshow host the electoral college put in office over the explicit will of the people has put together an hilariously unqualified, seven member task force uh...tasked with deciding when and how we can all start breathing all over each other again. Oh, and two of those members were going to be Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner but then the President caved and said no they're not and they never were even though they totally were.

Huh? What's that noise? Why that's the deafening cry from every Governor reminding the President about how not up to him that is and that you can't just task force a pandemic into being less contagious, to which the President tweeted:

It ƒayƒ if right here in
black and brown: No kingƒ. 

"For the purpose of creating conflict and confusion, some in the Fake News Media are saying that it is the Governors decision to open up the states, not that of the President...Let it be fully understood that this is incorrect...It is the decision of the President, and for many good reasons."

-The President, apparently unaware 

that the Constitution is a thing

and we know what it says

Above: America has one King. One.
And he's a creepy mascot. That's enough.

Which, no, it's not the decision of the President, and for many good reasons. One of which is just in case someone like him somehow gets to be President. Anyway, he leaned into it:

"When somebody is president of the United States, the authority is total. The governors know that."

-The President, inexplicably

not being led away by doctors 

Ok, so...the governors know that when someone is President the authority is strictly laid out in the Constitution and-wait, does he not know what a President is? No seriously. I'm asking. Because he went full Palpatine on the White House Press Room today.

No, limited power. Very limited power.
That's the whole goddamn point.

People with an addiction problem
give you money and you keep it.
And he couldn't even get that right.

In response to this ludicrous claim of total, unchallenged authority by a guy who can't even keep a casino from going under much less lead the country in a crisis he was warned about years in advance, governors of several states have agreed to coordinate re-opening efforts with each other. You know, instead of waiting for the administration to get smarter. New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Connecticut have formed a regional council as have California, Washington and Oregon while several Midwestern states will be doing likewise as well.

Does...does he think everyone's dumb
but him? Is that what's going on?

The idea-as New York Governor Andrew Cuomo puts it, is to make sure "...that any plan to reopen society must be driven by data and experts, not opinion and politics." Which, and I don't know about you, but it sounds to me like a way better plan than shouting at reporters for asking valid questions and then showing them a video cribbed from Sean Hannity about how great a job you're doing. No, really, he did that. Oh, and yes, that video was totally paid for with tax payer money.

You know, I can't help but feel a swell of hope knowing that smart people are working together to make sure we come out of this safely. It almost makes me wonder if this could be taken a step further. Could you imagine some kind of federation of the states? A union in which Americans could work together in common cause under unified and competent leadership. What would that be like?

Four years ago. It would be like four years ago.

Unburnlievable!

You heard me, poutine. 

Can you believe it? No. You can't believe it. Believe what? No Burning Man this year. It's cancelled and I-huh? Burning Man? It's a big, week-long event held in the Nevada desert every year? Tens of thousands of people in hundred degree weather doing all kinds of-huh? Ok, yes, drugs, but other things too. There's art, music, poutine. I go every year and you usually have to hear about it 'round September when I come back. Although we're actually not supposed to think of it as cancelled.

Defined by what we
bring to...so a pillory? 

According to Marian Goodell, the event's CEO:

"...I'm not here to tell you we're cancelling Burning Man. No. Burning Man is a culture. It's a movement. We are not defined by one aspect of Burning Man. We are defined by what we bring to Burning Man."

-Marian Goodell, Burning Man CEO

not cancelling Burning Man, 

but not not cancelling it either

Anyway, it's off this year for the first time since it began in 1986. So big deal, right? A bunch of weirdos can't have their big weirdo party. Who cares?

It's as if eighty thousand EDM fans suddenly cried
out in terror and were then suddenly silenced. 

Ok, third worst.

And that's fair. Ish. I mean, the deeper importance to attendees not withstanding, it is basically a big party and putting thousands and thousands of people in one place with no running water, two and a half hours from the closest hospital when we're who knows how far way from a vaccine seems like a terrible idea wrapped in folly. And let's be real, Burning Man being cancelled is hardly the worst thing happening in the world right now. For most of us. For others, it's a definitely a runner up to the worst thing happening in the world right now.

Pictured: you, bailing out
of this while you still can.

I'm referring to the two hundred staff members of the Burning Man Organization, the non-profit that puts this on every year. Here, let me explain through armchair math which, if you don't care, I'd bail out now. You will almost certainly not find this as interesting as I do. Still there? Wow. Ok. So the event is capped at eighty thousand tickets. Of those, fifty thousand were sold a couple months ago in the first round. The remaining forty thousand would have been sold this month.

Six months ago, a pandemic seemed about
as likely as a Mothra attack, but here we are.

When you buy tickets, you agree to certain things like how responsible they're not if you die at the event and how non-refundable the tickets are. Even in the event of a global pandemic. No, really, that specific eventuality was added late last year before all this happened. So legally they don't have to give anyone their money back, but they are anyway because they're good people and we're mid-economic meltdown. Ok, but the event's off, so why not give everyone their money back? Well Mr. or Ms. Smarty Pants, I had the same thought, but then I consulted the inter-net.

Pictured: NASA scientists, seen here
trying to calculate rent in San Francisco.

The problem is that ticket sales make up 90% of the Org's (who again, are a non-profit) income which in addition to buying things things like seventeen hundred porta potties and, I don't know, a forty-foot wooden man we set on fire every year for some reason, also pays those two hundred staff members' salaries. Sure, the Org no longer has to build a temporary city in the middle of nowhere, but they have a responsibility to their staff. A staff and an organization that's based in San Francisco and holy shit, the rent in San Francisco.

I'm not saying don't patronize these
businesses, I'm just saying don't pay
$500 for a furry vest. Just don't.

They're asking those who can afford to do so to donate some or all of the ticket refund back to keep the Org afloat, but how many people can do that right now, and if it'll be enough are kind of open questions. The Org says in their official announcement that this is still going to mean layoffs and salary reductions for the staff and that sucks. As it's going to suck for the tiny towns just outside the event who sell attendees things like gas, food, ice, and overpriced yoga pants with LED's sewn in from vendors on the way in.

Anyway, it's going to be weird not going this year. I've been ten times. Ten. I've even made you sit through the photos which...sorry. But whatever, not going really is no big deal. A mild disappointment compared to what this means for the Org's staff and nothing compared to everything else people are going through right now. So yeah, I'll take weird any day.

Look, I love it too, but if we're being honest with ourselves,
fire-spitting metal octopi aren't essential services...

Do it for Ruth.

Which sounds harsh, but in this
analogy Trump is covid-19 so...

To be clear, I'm not trying to tell you how to vote in November...uh, assuming that's still a thing we're allowed to do, more on that in a sec. But I would like to take this opportunity to tell you how to vote in November. Well, suggest, but in that way social distancing and hand washing are suggestions. As in, please do this or people-maybe not you, but people-are literally going to die. That said, I suggest that we all vote for Joe Biden. He's the shelter in place of candidates.

Pictured: a typical billionaire
swimming in obscene wealth.

Yes, I know Bernie Sanders would probably have been a better choice. And I know lot of us are upset about how he dropped out today, and more than a few of us are venting on Facebook about how we're going to write-in Sanders or just not vote at all just to make a point and that's anger talking. And anger is good. Anger is how we're eventually going to get fed up and grab our pitchforks and torches, round up all the billionaires, pick them up by their ankles and redistribute whatever falls out of their pockets. And that's super. I support this. Let's get'em. Viva the revolution. But.

Above: The woman most of us
 voted for, yet is not the President.

We have to remember that Hillary Clinton, despite getting more votes than Donald Trump, is somehow on an extended book tour while the former host of The Apprentice is hoarding relief supplies and doing infomercials for his friends' pharmaceutical companies while the world burns. This is because our screwed up system is designed to make rural states in the 18th century feel appreciated. So not only does Joe Biden need more votes, he needs more better votes.

Rubes: there's not more of them than
there are of us, they just get more votes.

(source: our grim reality)

And that's not going to happen if we're trying to make a point about how the DNC was biased in favor of Biden. Maybe it was, but here we are. What is going to happen is that a bunch of rubes (you heard me, rubes) in electorally OP states are going to fall for it again and we're going to be stuck with Trump again. And I don't think we can take another four years of this. And it's ok to be bummed out and disappointed and frustrated. So let's get it all out of our system now, and then in November elect the shit out of uncle Joe.

Look, if Biden wins we can always vote someone else in in 2024. That's not necessarily going to be the case if Trump wins. I mean, he's actually said he's in favor of making it more difficult for people to vote because when people vote, Republicans lose. So again, I'm not trying to tell you how to vote or how to feel, but for real, let's not screw this up.

If nothing else, do it for Ruth.

Happy No Contact Day!

Above: People in the future,
social distancing. Be like them.

Yeah, you heard me, First Contact Day. Huh? You didn't hear me? You can't hear me because this is a blog and our entire interaction is limited to I write and you read? Yeah, ok, that tracks. Also it's probably for the best what with everything going on. But on the bright side, the only thing we should be doing right now is staying inside and avoiding human contact. And really, what goes better with staying inside and avoiding human contact than talking about Star Trek on the internet? With that in mind, happy First Contact Day!

In honor of this year's First Contact Day I thought-wait, what's First Contact Day? Why, sure, I'd be happy to nerd'splain. According to documentary sources, First Contact Day is the day in the future on which people from the future will celebrate the day in their past, which is our future, on which Farmer Hoggett from Babe met a Vulcan in post-apocalyptic Montana. Still with me? Super, because it's only getting nerdier from here.

"Ooohhh..."

-This crowd, super-impressed

They don't even bother putting a
jacket on over their unitards.

Like I was saying, in honor of First Contact Day and the unceasing crisis in which we find ourselves in here in the real world, I'd like to look at the Star Trek universe in terms of the reckless behavior exhibited by the characters. Specifically how these people interact with aliens on the regular without a care in the world when it comes to infection. They just beam down and start breathing all over the native populations. That's insane right?

Especially Data.

We know that diseases are still a thing in the future because there've been entire episodes about the crew catching some space virus. There was one that made the crew act drunk and horny. Even Data. Then there was that rapid aging disease that infected Doctor Pulaski with bad age makeup. And once on Deep Space Nine everyone caught an aphasia virus that made them speak nonsense. And not usual Trek nonsense, like actual gibberish. My point is that even on Star Trek infections are a legitimate concern and yet they do nothing about it.

Huh, I can't imagine why the
show only ran four seasons.

Of course, Star Trek: Enterprise fans (both of them), would probably point out that that series routinely showed the characters rubbing each other down with decontamination gel after visiting alien worlds. But I have two issues with this. First, those scenes were super-purvy. And second, they just sort of stopped doing it after a few episodes. Probably because it was super-purvy, but shouldn't contamination still be a problem? And you know, we never see decon scenes on other Trek series, so what gives?

The only known treatment for quantum
shingles is an ice beam, followed by missiles.

(Source: WebEMH)

Now, I know what you're thinking: the bio-filters protects them, and that's a possibility but-huh? What's that? You weren't thinking that? And you don't even know what I'm talking about? Well, let's pretend for the moment that you don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek (but I think we both know you do). The bio-filter is a component of the transporters that filters out contaminants during beaming. I guess it just doesn't re-materialize them or it beams them into space or something, doesn't matter. The important thing is that as far as plot expedient technology goes, it's great for keeping the crew safe from space-cholera and quantum shingles without gratuitous blue-gel rubdowns.

"Did it...did it just call us ugly
bags of mostly water?"

But how does it even work? Can the bio-filter tell harmful organisms from non-harmful ones? And for that matter can it tell the difference between a regular virus and say, an intelligent one? Like, what if they encounter an alien life form that is a virus? There was an episode of TNG in which the crew of the Enterprise discovered sentient sand. Sentient sand! So clearly anything is on the table when it comes to alien life forms and I've got to think that bio-filtering some alien civilization's ambassador would constitute a major diplomatic incident.

To us she is Jamie Lee Curtis, actor and
yogurt spokesperson. To the inhabitants
of Rigel VII, she is Jamie the Destroyer.

And this has got to work both ways, right? Like, what if something harmless to humans is deadly to aliens? I mean, if they're beaming down to strange new worlds, how do they know what constitutes a contaminant to the natives? They don't know how whatever species they're about to meet will react to say, Riker's gut flora. Does the bio-filter just scrape that out? If so, wouldn't that seriously damage his digestion? And what if a member of the away team eats an Activia or drinks some kombucha before beaming down? We could be looking at an extinction level event here.

It all makes me kind of wonder if these characters aren't unknowingly cutting a swath of death and destruction across the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe the best thing they could do for the galaxy is park themselves in space dock for a month or two?

"And not have anonymous sex with heretofore never encountered
alien lifeforms? Sorry, but that's not the mission I signed up for."

-Commander William "Beardo" Riker

You heard me, twice. He took it twice.

Don't worry everybody, the electoral college-installed goon who is personally responsible for the Federal Government's slow and often botched response to the pandemic is safe. The President, Vice President, and anyone coming into contact with them are being given rapid response tests for coronavirus.

Pictured: The President shaking hands at a briefing about how
contagious this thing is. He...he knows what a virus is, right?

Are you picturing it? A human centipede
 of Republicans? Then I've done my job.

Yes, that would be the test that's in such short supply that it's being rationed around the country. Oh, and it would also be the same test of which the President said we would have half a million kits of but in fact only have fifty-five hundred. But you can rest assured that the gameshow host who failed his way into White House along with all the toadies who, like an ass-to-mouth chain of sycophancy have human centipeded their way into the corridors of power are getting the best preventative care our money can buy.

Actually I guess it would be
exactly like the last three years.

And why not? After all, if the President and key members of the administration were to fall ill, who would be around to not do anything? Could you imagine what it would be like without the administration? Like, who would hold rambling daily press conferences and My Pillow infomercials? And who would brag about the President's ratings? And if Jared Kushner were sick in bed, who would explain to the public that the Federal relief supplies are for them and not for the ungrateful states who've been so very rude to his father-in-law?

You don't suppose this is why hereditary
monarchies so often end up on the
receiving end of bloody revolutions, do you?

Oh yes, that's real. He literally has no idea what his job is or what he's supposed to be doing which, when it's a vital role upon which lives are depending isn't the best, you know?

"The notion of the federal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile. It's not supposed to be states' stockpile that they then use..."

-Some guy who's only

job qualification is being
married to Ivanka Trump 

"Since we're out of tests, I have no idea
if you're infected, but the important thing
is that the President isn't. So there's that."

-Some doctor

Anyway, I guess as we all sit in our homes watching the world fly apart around us, we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that even though our over-priced, private, for-profit health care industry might be strained past the breaking point and hundreds are dying daily, the President and those closest to him will continue to have access to the test and will know immediately if one of them is infected so they can...I guess get bedrest like the rest of us. I mean, there's no real cure for this yet so...But it doesn't matter, we can all relax because Trump tested negative. Twice in fact.

Oh, didn't I mention? He's taken the test twice. Yes, twice. And that second time he didn't even need it, he was just curios to see how it worked. No, for real.

"Look, I know you're upset that I ate our entire supply of emergency
rations, but what would you have me do? Not find out if they were delicious? "

-Some well-fed castaway

The bigger problem is that they're ok with it.

So...then maybe these guys shouldn't be in office, right? I mean, obviously they shouldn't be in office. They're garbage people but-huh? Republicans. No, not all of them but...well, wait, actually yeah. Most of them anyway.

No! Not you Oscar! I'm referring to people who act like
garbage, not muppets who live in it. You're...you're the best.

If people can vote, you guys might lose?
Yeah, that's...that's how democracy works.

(source: basic civics)

Anyway, what I'm on about is David Ralston, the Speaker of the State House for Georgia who is against plans to mail out absentee ballots during the pandemic. When asked about why he's opposed to you know, the democratic process upon which the Republic is based, he gave some usual Republican nonsense about how the state might have to pay for stamps and then trotted out the long debunked talking point about voter fraud, but then, and this is the best part, he pointed out that it might cost Republicans the election.

Specifically, he referred to comments the President made a couple days ago on Fox News-because of course Fox News. A viewer asked how lawmakers could be prevented from allocating funds for special interests if there's a second stimulus package. I guess because the $500 billion for large corporations isn't a special interest? But whatever.

"When Democrats want it it's socialism, but when Republicans
do it for corporations it's a stimulus. It's a totally different thing."

-Steve Doocey, Fox and Friends

If a living wage, universal healthcare,
and freedom from crippling school
debt is crazy, then crazy me up. 

Anyway, the President gave a long-winded and rambling answer that included this:

"The things they had in there were crazy. They had levels of voting, that if you ever agreed to it you'd never have a Republican elected in this country again. They had things in there about you know, election days and what you do. All sorts of clawbacks [sic], they had things that were just totally crazy."

-Technically the President, 

saying it like it's a bad thing

"Oh no! They're on to us? Good
thing half of them are idiots."

-Republicans

Yeah, I don't know what a clawback is either, but I'm sure someone will add it to the dictionary so that the President doesn't look like an idiot. So the interpretation that a lot of us have taken away from this is that the President was saying that if voting was made easier for people-say, if they could vote by mail instead of loosing work or having to find a ride-that Republicans would suffer at the ballot box. Which of course they would. We're none of us so cynical as to believe that Republicans actually represent the entire American electorate.

I mean, the GOP base is basically rich people, poor people who think rich Republicans give a shit about them despite all evidence to the contrary and then dumbs who fit both the previous categories. Dumb crosses socio-economic lines.

What? I'm not the one supporting a guy who brags
about his ratings during a national crisis.

"What? I'm just saying what we're
all thinking. That we're frauds."

-David Ralston

So back to Ralston who just openly cited what for most Presidents would have been a catastrophic gaffe, but for Trump is a Tuesday:

"So here, you know...and so a multitude of reasons why vote by mail in my view is not acceptable, the President said it best, this will be extremely devastating to Republicans and conservatives in Georgia."

-David Ralston, on how voting

cramps the GOP's style

So to be clear, Ralston and the President are totally comfortable with the knowledge that they and their party have no business winning elections and that the biggest threat to their jobs is democracy. Cool. Is it time for the pitchforks and torches or do we wait until after he electoral college wins a second term?

"We actually can't believe people vote for us either, but as long as they
keep doing it, we're going to keep make life miserable for everyone."

-Republicans

Takei-ing us all for a ride...

Hey, you know how everything is awful right now and the news is nothing more than a collapsed sun of inescapable horror into which we may fall any moment? And all of this is set against the endless void and bathed in the background radiation of terribleness?

Pictured: Our lives.

Above: George Takei
pranking the shit out of us.

Well get this: George Takei announced today on Facebook that he's going to be the final torchbearer at the Tokyo Olympics in 2021. The Games have been pushed to 2021 due to the global pandemic, but what's another year, right? Especially if it means seeing George Takei, actor, survivor of America's interment camps, advocate for LGBTQ rights and hilarious critic of our shitheel President, climb the dais, torch in hand and in front of billions light the fire that has become such a symbol of unity and global citizenship and cooperation. It's something we desperately need as we try and make it through this crisis. It's something we can all believe in and look forward to. It's something he made up as a funny, funny April Fool's Day joke. Have I mentioned how much I loathe April goddamn Fool's Day? Like, as a thing?

There is nothing, nothing I
wouldn't put past him. 

Especially in a time where the internet is full of wild claims and it's already impossible to tell the ridiculous nonsense that people are making up from the ridiculous nonsense that's actually happening in the world. Like, if you would have told me that the President would turn a press conference about the pandemic into an infomercial so some asshole could hawk pillows and harangue the nation about reading the Bible I would have-actually I'd 100% believe he'd do that...ok, bad example, but you can see my point.

And look, I don't care about the Olympics. It's too much like sports, and you know how I feel about sports. And I'm not even mad at George Takei, because how could anyone be made at George Takei? But I do want to hear something good. Something hopeful. So I hope you'll join me in demanding the George Takei be selected to actually carry the torch in Tokyo. Make it a hashtag, bring the full force of internet nagging to bear. Whatever it takes. We can make this happen. I mean, it worked for the Snyder cut, right?

No? It didn't work and the announcement from HBO that they'd be
releasing the Snyder Cut of Justice League was also an April Fool's prank?
I uh...I don't know what to believe in anymore. #GiveTakeitheTorch