Yeah, but it could be gayer.

So I'm holding off on playing the new Fire Emblem game for two reasons. One, I'm kind of busy and the last one of these I played consumed an amount of my time equivalent to a masters degree. And two, there are multiple paths through the game and if I want a same sex romance option, I have to basically choose Slythrin.

Sure they'll enjoy, rich, well-rounded lives full of professional achievement
but  I'll have played like, a ton of video games, and they can't say the same.

What am I supposed to do?
Not adjust the brow depth? 

Huh? Where are you going? It's ok, I'll explain. So when I play a game that requires me to choose a character that then locks me in to a path for the duration, I agonize. There have been games where I've spent more time on the character creation menu than on playing the actual game. And as grown ass adult with like, a job, I probably only have time to play through this once. That means pouring over online strategy guides until I settle on the perfect character.

Which brings us to my dilemma. Fire Emblem games have a mechanic by which the characters, including the player character, develop relationships with one another and can even get married which boosts your characters stats when you pair them up in combat. You know, just like in real life.

And do you, Dennis, promise to love, honor and cherish Cheryl?
To give her a plus 4 to her attack and to cast heal when she's low on HP?

-A Line Nine Officiant

Finally, a game for the idiots who
came up with this nonsense.

And also just like real life, same sex marriages have only recently been introduced. In Three Houses you choose between either a male or a female version of the protagonist as well as a Hogwartsian house to align yourself with at the game's magic/war academy. Both of these factors dictate which characters the player can romance and ultimately marry, which has a direct bearing on how the game plays out. But there is one male/male relationship option, three female/female options and like three million (slight exaggeration) heterosexual relationship options.

Above: Namco reinforcing
heteronormative Pac-relationships.

I know, I know, it's just a dumb video game and it doesn't really matter if my imaginary level nine Paladin or whatever is pretend married to an equally fictitious male or female level eleven black mage, except that it kind of does. Games have had storylines since Zork, and it's been almost forty years since Ms. Pac-Man and Pacman met, fell in love and had a baby. Like, in the game. Gross. But it's only very recently that there's been any queer representation so yeah, if that's an option, I'm going to take it. It just kind of sucks that said option locks players into one specific path out of dozens.

Anyway, I'll eventually cave. I mean, it's not like I need time to work on my dissertation, and it's great that there are queer characters in the game at all, but it seems like it would have been an easy thing to just make all the support characters bi. And before anyone starts quoting statistics and Kinsey scales, I'd point out that we're talking about a game with wizards. Wizards. Representation isn't going to kill the verisimilitude.

Pictured: magic flying goddamn horses.
Not pictured: the broad spectrum of human sexuality.

Ken Cuccinelli: wordsmith.

Pictured: the President humping the flag.

Look, I know that nothing some idiot says in a dumb nerd blog is ever going to persuade Trump fans who have stuck with him through all the Russia stuff, the sexual assault accusations, the conspiracy theories and the open racism that it's time to jump ship but what is it going to take? These are people who pride themselves on patriotism and justify whatever batshit comes out of the White House by insisting that they just love American than the rest of us, but holy shit, this guy.

Which guy? Ken Cuccinelli, the head of Immigration Services who suggested that we should change the words to Emma Lazurus' The New Colossus, you know, the sonnet written about the Statue of Liberty? He'd like to change it to better reflect the Trumpian worldview.

You know, this worldview.

I guess "no poors" didn't scan.

Instead of crying with silent lips: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." In an NPR interview with Rachel Martin, Cuccinelli said he would rather it read: "Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and will not become a public charge..." instead. And I think this says a lot about Cuccinelli. Not just that he shouldn't write poetry, but that he's a racist, classist shitheel who shouldn't write poetry. Or vote.

"Now we don't have to sound racist when we
reject applicants. We can just check "too poor.'"

This all because of the Trump administration is instituting a new policy designed to make it even harder to emigrate to the U.S. Soon Green Card applicants will have to prove that they are unlikely to ever need public assistance. If they can't, Immigration Services can reject their application on the grounds that they'd be a drain on the tax payer. If it sounds like a needlessly cruel and hypocritical rule designed by racists to make it easier to reject immigrants based on national origin, it's because it is needlessly cruel and hypocritical.

I mean, first of all, never needing public assistance is something most of us can't promise. Second of all, is immigration really the number one crisis facing America? I'm no economist, but the national deficit isn't $800 billion because of immigrants, it's $800 billion because the game show host most of us didn't vote for is mortgaging our future to corporations.

Speaking of public assistance, how many golf trips have we paid for?

That's-a spicy bit of historical irony!

Also, while illegal immigration is all the right wants to talk about, we're like what, ten years out from murdering each other in the streets over drinking water? Can we maybe focus? Look, I'm not saying we, as a country, have a sterling record when it comes to living up to our slogan as a "nation of immigrants." In fact, the year before Lazarus wrote her poem, President Arthur signed the Chinese Exclusion Act into law. But for real, it's 2019 and a guy with a name like Cuccinelli should know better.

Anyway, I guess what I'm missing here is how come the right is allowed to pass themselves off as the party of patriotism while at the same time supporting-with rabid foam ferocity-an administration that hates brown people so much that they want to take a chisel to the plaque under the Statue of Liberty?

Sure this guy's spouting a lot of misogynistic, anti-labor, white supremacist,
xenophobic nonsense, but I mean, look at that shirt. He must be like, super patriotic.

I'm sure we'll all sleep more soundly...

Finally, some corporate responsibility. Walmart, in response to last weekend's mass shooting at one of their stores in El Paso, Texas, by a white nationalist with mental issues, is going to make sure nothing like this ever happens again by going right to the root of the problem. Which again, to be clear, is violent white nationalists with access to firearms. Yup, Walmart is halting sales of and pulling in-store ads and demos for guns.

Above: people walking outdoors and enjoying life without the fear that a
white nationalist might have a bad day, drive to Walmart and go on a rampage.

Pictured: The effective range of
firearms when James Madison
wrote the Second Amendment. 

Wait, did I say guns? I meant video games. They're pulling violent video game displays (and maybe the games themselves? It's fuzzy), despite the complete absence of any evidence whatsoever of a relationship between video game violence and real life gun violence. Oh, and sure, Walmart will continue to sell guns. Pulling guns from the stores would mean repudiating the nonsense and patently false link between video games and mass shootings and maybe even calling in to question the interpretation of the Second Amendment that insists that everyone should have assault rifles.

Anyway, here's what Walmart's CEO has to say on last weeks shootings:

Pictured: Doug McMillon resolving to 

work to understand the issues that arise.

"As it becomes clearer that the shooting in El Paso was motivated by hate, we are more resolved than ever to foster an inclusive environment where all people are valued and welcomed...we will work to understand the many important issues that arise from El Paso and Southaven, as well as those that have been raised in the broader national discussion around gun violence."

-Doug McMillon, CEO and master of

the vague, noncommittal public statement

I mean at this point,
why even have a dog?

Motivated by hate? Like, I'm not proud of it, but I hate things. Black olives, dogs in strollers, Mitch McConnell's smug turtle face. The specific hate behind the El Paso shooting is the hatred of non-white people by white people who love guns. So it's a little weird that Walmart is talking about video games. I guess I get it if it's a move born out of sensitivity to the victims. Like, take the new Wolfenstein ads down for a while. Fine. But why are they still selling actual, real guns?

Oh, right, because blaming violent video games doesn't require anyone to reevaluate their worldview or accept responsibility for contributing to a culture of violence and racism, it doesn't upset the average Walmart customer or shareholder and most importantly it doesn't offend the gun lobby. Fortunately for Walmart there is no video game lobby to organize a boycott. Theirs is a move designed for maximum placation with minimum action.

I know I feel safer knowing that radicalized white nationalists
can't get their hands on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Today in unicorns:

In a startling turn of events, a Republican, like an actual member of the GOP called the President out on the fountain of reckless nonsense that has so endeared him to racists. Ok, now settle down, he's a state legislator from Nebraska, but still, his Twitter rant against party's reaction to the El Paso shootings is a refreshing change from the usual GOP tactic of blaming video games, mental illness and Obama.

Pictured: Representative John McCollister.

Yeah, but like an alarming percentage
of them are like, super-racist so...

The Republican Party is enabling white supremacy in our country. As a lifelong Republican, it pains me to say this... I of course am not saying that all Republicans are white supremacists nor am I saying the the average Republican is even racist. We have Republican senators and representatives who look the other way and say nothing for fear that it will negatively affect their elections.

-Rep. John McCollister, shocking fellow 

Republicans with his use of proper 

capitalization and spelling 

Oh, they're not? I stand corrected.
I mean, they don't just let you
put anything on a tee shirt.

Right? He then went on to remind his party that if they're going to continue waving Abraham Lincoln around that maybe they should stop acting like goddamn Nathan Bedford Forest. Anyway, shortly after his admonishment, the GOP joined Democrats in condemning white nationalism and President Trump's constant drumbeat of race-baiting, have agreed to reinstate the assault weapons ban and have declared in no certain terms that hate speech has no place in the Republican party.

Pictured: Ryan Hamil-look, I know they're
the party of fiscal responsibility, but maybe
get a real photographer instead of whoever
does the high school yearbook photos?

And so dawns a new day of peace and cooperation in America. Just kidding. Nebraska GOP executive director Ryan Hamilton called on John McCallister to resign. No, really:

John McCollister has been telegraphing for years that he has little if nothing in common with Republican voters...by constantly advocating for higher taxes, restrictions on Americans' Second Amendment rights, and the pro-abortion lobby. His latest false statement about Republicans should come as no surprise to anyone paying attention, and we're happy he has finally shed all pretense of being a conservative.

-Ryan Hamilton asking McCollister to

leave the GOP for not being racist enough

For your safety, you must be at least
this racist to join the Nebraska GOP.

So first of all, fuck him, nobody is pro-aborition, it's pro-choice. I'm really over Republicans re-naming things they don't agree with. Next, I know I'm being super-pedantic here, but the phrase he's going for is little or nothing. Little if nothing makes Hamilton sound like an idiot which is only slightly better than sounding like a racist. Because we should probably focus more on how he's saying that McCollister's denouncement of white supremacy is not something he has in common with his constituents. Did...did Ryan Hamilton not read his own press release? He doesn't even mention McCollister's criticisms.

Like, he was calling on Republicans to do ask some serious questions about their values but instead Hamilton just launched into some talking points. I mean, from Hamilton's comments you'd think that the entire Republican platform was anti-tax, pro-gun, anti-choice and that they, as a party, are just totally comfortable with white supremacy...which...oh...oh, I see.

Oh no! They're on to us! Pfft...took you long enough...losers.

-Republicans

The Blame Games

Yup, mass shooting again, I thought
kittens this time? Adorable, right? Take
your time, the news isn't getting better.

Well, I'm glad that's sorted. Perhaps now in the wake of two mass shootings within hours of each other, we'll finally do something about the underlying cause: video games. Wait, what did you think I was going to say? Violent right-wing terrorists and recklessly inadequate gun control? Ridiculous! If everyone would just man-up and walk around armed all the time, mass shootings would be a thing of the past. Here, by all means, let's listen to what House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy had to say:

The idea of these video games, they dehumanize individuals to have a game of shooting individuals and others. I've always felt that it's a problem for future generations and others.

-Kevin McCarthy,

wordsmith

Above: actual footage of Representative Kevin McCarthy
attempting to lay the blame for America's near-constant gun violence
 at the feet of anything but the gun lobby and white supremacists.

Tragically, NRA spokesperson Dana Loesh's
hand has become permanently locked from
years of constant finger pointing.

Ok so, the idea of video games is to dehumanize individuals to have a game of shooting...what? No, it's not just you. His comments are gibberish. He's just stringing together half-remembered talking points the Republicans spout in the aftermath of America's increasingly frequent mass-shootings when they need to sound like they're doing something but in a way that doesn't require any soul-searching or hard truths and certainly doesn't risk the NRA money they rely on for reelection. He then went on to site some studies:

We've watched studies show what it does to individuals, and you look at these photos of how it took place, you can see the actions within video games and others.

-Kevin McCarthy and others

Although it's hard to tell in a medium close up shot like this, Representative
McCarthy's pants have literally combusted as he refers to "studies" he's watched.

At worst D&D might lead to
a vitamin D deficiency. 

What studies is he referring to? He's seen studies that link violence in video games with violence in real life? Holy shit, can we see these studies? Because all the other studies, that is, the ones carried out by people who know what they're doing and that Kevin McCarthy didn't make up or dream, show that there is no such link. Remember in the 80's when conservatives tried to convince us that Dungeons and Dragons was leading to satanism? And in the 90's it was rap music? Like, why does anyone still listen to these people?

What is it that most of these mass shootings, including the one at Walmart yesterday and the one in Gilroy, California last week do have in common? White supremacists. I know because I've seen studies. Anyway, what I'm saying is that when they raid the home of a suspect in one of these shootings they usually find racist manifestos railing against brown people and not say, old copies of Nintendo Power.

Breaking News: law enforcement raided the home of suspects Mario and his brother Luigi
early this morning where they recovered what officials are calling a virtual how-to guide of turtle
stomping along with maps of Bowser's castle. Authorities also discovered several unidentified yellow
boxes. The bob omb squad is on the scene and we'll have more on this as it develops.

Today in "Hey, look over there!"

Just so we're all like super clear on this point, it looks like the gunman who killed 20 people in a Walmart today was a white nationalist. A violent, anti-immigrant racist and not say, a member of Antifa.

We're about to talk about another mass shooting so before we start why
don't you enjoy this basket of puppies for a minute. Trust me, it helps. 

And after you clear your history, maybe
give it a once over with a microfibre cloth.

I mention this because this. Didn't click? That's ok, it links to a Fox News article, and if you do click on it you'll probably need to go and clean out your browser history. Here, maybe click on this link to an article about the Fox News story instead, or just wait until I explain. Anyway, it's about how in the hours after another, yes another example of a white nationalist with a manifesto and access to firearms shooting innocent people, Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick issued a warning to Antifa to stay out of Texas. I think the "or else" is implied.

Above: A file photo of Dan Patrick promoting
his new Sentinel Program to deal with the
threat posed by mutants once and for all.

Wait, what the wah? Yeah, for some reason he brought up Antifa. 

"Stay out of Texas, basically. We don't need them coming in on September 1st. We didn't need them coming in before this happened."

-The Lt. Governor of Texas evidently 

having a different conversation than the 

Fox News reporter he was talking to

So he's referring to a ten-day planned convergence, wherein people opposed to U.S. Border poli-ok, Donald Trump's insane, xenophobic policy of locking people in cages, will gather and protest at the U.S./Mexico border in El Paso. It's got local authorities nervous because while not expressly affiliated with Antifa, the organizers' politics maybe overlap with Antifa and you know, they're just all a bunch of entitled millennials so same same.

"You kids better stay off my lawn with
your human rights and your twittergrams!"

-Conservatives in Texas

Lt. Governor Patrick then went on to
demand that Antifa cancel Good Omens.

So to sum up: a left-wing group that may or may not be linked a group* linked to anti-fascist counter-protests that have at times become violent, are planing a protest next month. Then Fox News asked Dan Patrick to comment on the latest mass shooting but he instead issued a vague warning to Antifa about a protest they're not actually organizing. But even if they were involved, when Antifa counter protesters do turn violent they're usually punching white supremacists, like the one in custody in connection with today's shooting.

Pictured: The allegedly Catholic Pope,
seen here doing whatever it is Pope's do.

Sorry, I should say allegedly, but the El Paso police chief is saying that he believes that the man they have in custody, Patrick Crusius, is a white supremacist and that his rampage today is motivated out of a hatred of immigrants, non-whites and Democrats. So, I don't know, shouldn't Dan Patrick be saying something like, Hey you white supremacist assholes, stay out of Texas with your racist nonsense? Like, instead of shaking a fist at an anti-white supremacy group who, again, aren't actually coming to El Paso?

Unless, hey, you don't suppose the Lieutenant Governor of Texas is deliberately trying to muddy the narrative and make people connect today's violence with left-wing activists instead of the right-wing shitheels that carry out like all the terrorist acts in the United States? Or at the very least distract from the inevitable, albeit brief and impotent calls for stricter gun control? You know, until a week from now when there's another mass shooting? If you need me, I'll be looking at those puppies in the basket again.

"I didn't say Antifa is responsible for today's tragedy, I'm just saying
Antifa as much as possible whenever someone asks me to comment
on today's tragedy. If they make the connection, it's not my fault."

-Dan Patrick, being exactly what's 

wrong with American politics right now

*update 10/24/20: I was just going back over old posts and I noticed that I kind of implied here that Antifa is more of a coherent organization that it is. Whatever right-wing conspiracy theorists may think, there isn't like a boss of Antifa or a newsletter or anything. I'm not sure if I was just uninformed at the time (probably) or misspoke (also a possibility). But I just wanted to acknowledge that antifa is just a term applied to people who are anti-fascist. Which should describe everyone, but here we are. 

To Boldly Shill!

Get it? Because he says he-yah instead
of...look he's British and-oh forget it.

Look, I'm a big huge nerd and fan of Star Trek, but the line, as they say, must be drawn he-yah. What line you may ask? Why the wine line. I guess it's not really the wine that's bothering me but just the-huh? Oh, right, I should probably explain. Remember how we about the new Star Trek show that's starting up next year? It's going to be about on an aged Jean-Luc Picard slipping on his unitard for one more adventure. You don't? Well we did. Like last week.

Anyway, the trailer has Jean-Luc tending his family vineyards in future France which is weird, because you'd think they'd have robots, but whatever. Welp, it turns out that there really is Chateau Picard vineyard in France.

In the teaser trailer, Picard's vineyard hint at his longing to
return to his old life in Starfleet. I guess they're saving his
mashed potato sculptures for the mid-season finale.

Oh! Good nose, sort of earthy with
a hint of...is that cross-promotion?

-Wine Snobs

Most of us would see a fun coincidence, but the people at at CBS saw an opportunity to leverage the shit out out of their IP and partnered with Chateau Picard and a wine company called Wines that Rock in a ménage a trois of synergistic brand recognition. The result? Star Trek wine. Yes, for just $120 you could be drinking limited edition pretend future wine. Well, I mean, the wine's real, they just printed vintage 2386 on it. And you just pretend that a fictional space captain made it-which is also weird, because on Star Trek there's no money in the future, so shouldn't this be free?

It's uh...well its...hey, remember that
time I saved the Earth from the Borg?

-Jean-Luc, on his side hustle

You know, for the betterment of all mankind or whatever? Which raises another point. Do we have any reason to believe that Picard is good at winemaking? If you're familiar with the series, and I'll assume you are, his brother was the vintner while Jean-Luc was off being a starship captain. He's only taking over the vineyard because he's eighty and retired and his luddite brother didn't believe in smoke detectors and died in a fire. He's at best an amateur. Do any of your friends make soap and sell it on Etsy on the side? Because that's the quality of wine you can expect.

Oh well, it doesn't matter I suppose because get this, they've already sold out. That's right, you have snost and lost. I guess they underestimated how much Star Trek fans like to drink. Anyway, while we're all eagerly waiting for the next batch, maybe it's time to stop and reevaluate our fandom. We could grab a box of wine from the grocery store, stream some TNG and just pretend our wine comes from the future. So my place? Say, eight?

Evidently it was a little too limited.