A desparate shortage of Germans!

Well, now I'm just insulted. By what? you might ask. By this. Iowa Representative Steve King, a, wait for it...Republican, responded to criticism today over his recent super racist tweet. Which racist tweet?

Why this racist tweet of course!

Pictured: Geert Wilders and his hair.
Seriously, what's up with the hair?

Oh shit. If you're wondering what he means by 'our civilization' and you're kind of leaning towards him meaning 'white people' but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, don't. That's exactly what he's saying. And is it me, but is it particularly unnerving when racists start throwing around words like 'destiny?' Anyway, King was Tweeting his admiration for Geert Wilders as 'Dutch Trump,' the super-right wing racist white nationalist from the Netherlands (yup, they have racists in Europe too), and his anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim platform.

That's right, he like's the cut of Geert's Jib. And in what can only be described as a white supremacist reach around-ok, fine, in what I'm choosing to describe as a white supremacist reach around, King's tweet in turn was given full-throated support from former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. Oh, and to be clear, he's the racist kind of wizard, not like an actual wizard although I suppose he could be both...

"And don't get me started on the Orcs. If it wasn't for that wall around
Mordor they'd be all over Middle Earth, taking all our jobs..."

-Gandalf, in a deleted scene

I say we put everyone's babies to
 work building our civilization. It's about
time they contributed. Pfft...lazy babies...

Yeah, that bit about 'our civilization' and 'somebody else's babies' can be read as culturally chauvinist at best and straight-up rabid-foam racist at worst. It's the kind of shit you find on a poorly Xerox'ed flyer someone from the Klan shoved under your wiper blade. But given recent GOP indifference towards how terrifyingly white nationalist their party is becoming, it's not super surprising that this horseshit fell out of King's mouth...or tweet-hole I guess. What is surprising and no less offensive is how not sorry he is about it. Like at all. King went on CNN to explain that he meant what he said. No stammering explanation, not tap-dancing just straight up "Well of course I meant exactly what I said...and to exprand on that a little further-" yeah, he said 'exprand.' But he went on to add:

I'm not like an expert or anything,
but maybe if they stopped dressing
like this they'd have more sex?

"I've spoken on this issue...to the German people and to any population of people that is a declining population that doesn't-isn't wiling to have enough babies to reproduce themselves and I've said to them: you can't rebuild your civilization with other people's babies, you've got to keep your birth rate up and that you need to teach your children your values and in doing so, then you can grow your population and you can strengthen your culture, you can strengthen your way of life..."

-Rep. Steve King of Iowa, an actual member of

the U.S. Congress in 2017, can you believe it?

Ok, so he wasn't being a xenophobic shithead, he was just addressing the problem of not enough Germans by offering some friendly, neighborly advice, right?

"Well, my problem isn't that there aren't enough people in Germany so much as it is there
aren't enough white people in Germany. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one."

-Steve King, apparently comfortable in his racism

Pictured: an awkward metaphor he
probably should have backed off from.

You know, it used to be that someone would say something galling and then at least do the rest of us the courtesy of grudgingly apologizing to us about it. Remember after hurricane Katrina when Mayor Ray Nagin called New Orleans a 'chocolate city?' White people, suddenly on the receiving end of the kind of cultural insensitivity everyone else in America encounters every day, got all upset so he backtracked and pointed out that milk chocolate is made with milk so, uh...mumble...mumble...

Did we believe him? Of course not. But at least he acknowledged that it was a weird thing to say and even said 'hey sorry 'bout that.' Not so with Steve King whose tactic is to just lean into it and see how racist he can be before either  the voters or the GOP leadership calls him on it.

"The racist vote is pretty important to us, so...I'm going to see how this plays out."

-Paul Ryan the Speaker of the House

sitting this one out I guess...*

*Naw, I'm just kidding. He actually hasn't commented on this. Like at all.

Let's swallow our own tail!

So like most good news lately, this comes with a couple caveats. Caveats like, 'ok that's 3 down, 432 more to go' and 'give it five minutes and a higher court will just overturn it.' But for the next few days, let's just enjoy the fact that some Federal Judges in San Antonio, Texas just ruled that the GOP-controlled Texas State Legislature re-drew districts to favor Republican candidates. Yup, they smacked down some gerrymandering.

Fun fact: before the ruling, the Texas 27th district consisted
solely of Republican Governor Greg Abbot's house.

Think of it like a Pokémon whose
power is to undermine democracy.

Gerrymandering? What's that? I'm glad I pretended you asked. Here, allow me to wiki-splain. Named after Massachusetts Governor Elbridge Gerry who, in 1812 signed a bill to re-kajigger some voting districts so his party, the Democratic-Republicans would hold on to power in the legislature. Some political cartoonist thought that the new district represented a salamander and blamo, Gerry-mander was born. Despite being aggressively anti-democratic and anathema to everything we, as a people, are supposed to stand for, Gerry's dick move worked and the party retained power (although he himself was defeated in the next election). The weird thing is that instead of everyone in the then new nation calling bullshit, we just sort of adopted this as a totally legit way to cheat.

Unless of course you think he won
on merit? Or maybe personality? Ok...

And that's how Donald Trump is President. Did I skip a few steps there? Sure, but where would the internet be without gross generalizations? According to David Daley's book, Ratf***ked* the GOP, still reeling from the victory of a black guy over a white war hero, decided that something must be done. That something was REDMAP, a blatant effort to redraw voting districts to make sure the GOP keeps control over the House. If that sounds like some Karl Rove horseshit, that's because it is. It totally is.

And the fucked up part, sorry, the f***ked up part is that it's been public knowledge for years. So to be clear, the GOP's strategy isn't to win elections by being good at their jobs, it's to win by moving their district lines so that Republican voters' votes are more effective.

"Yeah, and...? I don't see what you're getting upset about, I mean,
we're white men with money, we're supposed to be in charge."

-GOP leadership

"I got your Obamacare right here!"

-Republican voters, 

watching it burn

Anyway, so now that the Federal Judges in Texas have ruled the Republicans' redistricting was a naked power grab designed to prop up a rapidly aging and out-of-touch constituency at the expense of America's very soul, problem solved, right? Yeah, no. Like I mentioned before, the ruling is about three districts in Texas and there's still a shit-load of crazy gerrymandering out there carried out by both parties, although most recently and most effectively on the part of the GOP. Also, this ruling will very likely be challenged and could go all the way to the Supreme Court where the deciding vote could be cast by whomever fills Scalia's vacancy.

Oh, you remember, the vacancy that opened up during the Obama administration? The one the GOP used its House and Senate majority to screw us out of? The majority they maintain thanks to the gerrymandering we're talking about? The one we can't break unless the DNC starts winning back seats? Which they can't because of the GOP majority? Holy shit it's hard to remain optimistic sometimes...

Not to be a totally bummer, but I'm thinking that the oruborus, rather
than the gerrymander, might be a more apt symbol for what's wrong with us.

*I should explain. The book is called Ratfucked, but the asterisks make sure our delicate consumer sensibilities are unperturbed by the words we use all the time, but pretend we don't.

Today in not so boldly going...

Hey, did you see the casting news about the new Star Trek show? Oh yes, the titular Starship Discovery now has a captain and in a bold move CBS has cast a white male in the role. You'll probably recognize the white guy in question, Jason Isaacs, as Lucious Malfoy from the Harry Potter movies.

Before you roll your eyes at me, I'd like to point out that Commander Sisco didn't get
promoted to captain until the end of season 3. Meanwhile, Janeway, the only woman up
there, managed to get her ship hopelessly lost in the first episode. Read into it what you will.

Also, shit this happened on Enterprise.
In case you wondered why it got cancelled.

On Discovery, Isaacs will play Captain Lorca but that's all we know about his character at this point other than, again, how white and male he is. If I sound hung up on that point it's because the last Star Trek show,  Enterprise, didn't exactly push the envelope when it came to diversity and representation. I like Scott Bakula and I like Enterprise, it's just that for a TV show about a utopian future where race and sex are supposed to be non-issues you'd think they could have cast, I don't know, maybe not another white guy?

Um...spoiler? 

But there's still hope for Discovery. The casting announcements so far is pretty diverse and despite Isaacs' fictional rank, he's not Discovery's star. Instead the show is going to focus on Sonequa Martin-Green's character who's neither white nor a male. She's currently on The Walking Dead and while I don't watch it, I understand it to be a super-popular show about trying to guess both which beloved character will die next and how gruesomely. Oh and if you're wondering if she can do both shows, I refer you to the previous sentence.

Yup, three women, six men. At least until
Tasha Yar got killed by an oil monster. No, really.

Ok, great, so finally a Star Trek series is living up to it's own optimistic vision of the future full of humans living and working together in harmony despite our differences, right? ...um, right? Not so fast says Eleanor Tremeer of moviepilot.com who points out that despite a racially diverse cast and even Star Trek's first actually for real this time gay character (who isn't alt-universe Sulu), there's still half as many women in the regular cast as men. Half. The exact same ratio Star Trek TNG started with in 1987. You know, thirty years ago?

"Looks that way, huh?"

-The woman most of us voted for

For real? Look, I'm a ridiculous, gullible fan that will watch literally anything they slap 'Star Trek' on but I'm a little preemptively disappointed that they couldn't be just a little more, what's the word? Risk-takey? And should balanced gender casting or a woman in a leadership role even be considered risky in 2017? I'm not like a mathematician, but women are half the population, are we, as a culture seriously not equipped to see women represented in positions of leadership?  

Sigh. Anyway, Jason Isaacs is a good actor and the last time a fifty-something English actor was cast as the Captain it worked out pretty well so I'm still looking forward to Discovery, but it just seems like they might be passing up an opportunity to make Star Trek edgy again. Something it really hasn't been in decades. But I guess we'll find out for sure whenever it gets released-hey, speaking of, how's that coming?

I'm starting to think the actual future might get here before the show.

This is how you get to Bastile Day...

Above: Chaffetz on his iPhone, but
don't worry, Congresspeople get
free health care, so there's that...

Hey, you know who can go fuck himself? Well, lots of people, obviously. Sorry, it's harsh, I know, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that we're living in a world full of jerks. Anyway, today I'm talking specifically about Jason Chaffetz, Republican Representative from Utah, and Chair of the House Oversight and Governmental Reform Committee, who told CNN today that:

"Americans have choices, and they've got to make a choice. So rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love and want to spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care." 

-Jason Chaffetz, on how

we're all doing it wrong

Yeah, Chaffetz was referring to how the GOP's replacement for Obamacare might require sacrifice for lower income Americans and I suppose he just picked iPhones as an example of something the average working class American will waste their money on instead of paying for important things like some of the highest health insurance premiums in the world.

"Who's got two pointer fingers, beady eyes and made $17.3 million
 last year CEO-ing a health insurance company? This guy!"

-David Cordani, CEO of Cigna

Is it me or is the GOP like a couple of
powdered wigs and a snuff box away from
being the French aristocracy circa July 1789?

If Chaffetz's remark sounded callous, out-of-touch and dismissive towards basically everyone who's ever had to come up with the financially ruinous sums of money it can cost to get sick in America, even with coverage, that's just because it totally was. Of course, the internet quickly invited him to go fuck himself, and Republicans have been doing some damage control, but still, do they not get that this is why we're all so angry all the time? Marching in the streets, general strikes, don't they know that this is how Bastille Days get started?

And yes, we know that as Americans we have choices but the thing is most of us chose Hillary Clinton so it's kinda weird and infuriating that she's not the President and instead we're hearing about how we should buy Nokias just to afford the new health care law.

"Hey, settle down everyone. I'm just explaining to you how you all need to
make sacrifices to pay for the new healthcare system you don't want that's
replacing the one you do want, because the guy you didn't elect needs to please 
his base whom you can't stand. I don't see what everyone's so upset about..."

-Jason Chaffetz, who again, gets

free healthcare...that we pay for

Gad-forsaken!

Oh, and their treatment of circus
bears. I mean, holy shit Russia...

Just to be clear, when I complain about Russia, as I'm about to do, I'm not ragging on the Russian people. They, like us, I'm sure take way more shit than they deserve because of their country's crazy element. I'm making the distinction because I sometimes have a tendency to refer to Russia as a homophobic rusted-out, mafia-run shell of our former rival super-power and I don't want you to think it's out of blind xenophobia, but instead because of things like the Sochi Olympics, what they did to Pussy Riot and hey, what's the other thing? Something about the election...and meddling...and undermining our faith in democracy...oh who can keep track...Oh! But did you read the President's unfounded accusations that President Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign?

I don't know about you, but I'm outraged. Outraged and completely distracted from the unceasing shitshow that has been the administration.

Sure, why not? You know, it's a good thing we're all idiots...

Broad stereotypes of course, being
the highest form of safe bet.

Where was I? Oh, right, Beauty and the Beast. So there's a new live-action version coming out because Disney loves money and safe bets, but in a surprising move, Josh Gad's character, LeFou is gay. If you need a minute to clean up the shattered remains of the tea cup you dropped in surprise, go ahead. Back? Good. If you don't remember the character being gay in the animated version it's because he wasn't, this is a new element for the character because, according to the director, this is a live-action adaptation and as such the characters needed some fleshing out.

Also, it's 2017 and surely we're at a point now that a gay character isn't that shocking to...oh, right...sorry, I suddenly forgot pretty much everything going on in the world right now.

Gad plays LeFou, the antagonist's side-kick who's also a buffoon. In fact
his name is French for 'the fool.' Wow Disney, we've sure come a long way...

They once went after a dairy because there
was a rainbow on their milk cartons. No shit.

Russia, if you didn't know, isn't all grey skies and consequence-free domestic violence, it's also super-anti-gay. It should come as no surprise then that the Ministry of Culture is mulling over banning the film under pressure from the country's conservatives who believe it may violate Russia's ban on gay propaganda. What's gay propaganda you may ask? Why anything. Anything. This is conservative reactionary crazy we're talking about here so anything.

Drive-in proprietor, biblical
scholar, Carol Laney does it all!

Fortunately for us, we, as a nation are past all this now, right? Nope. Because Alabama. Well, not all Alabamans of course, I should be clear on this point, just Carol Laney and her husband who, despite not having seen the film are not going to show it at their drive-in, you know, because of the Bible. And before you go thumbing through your copy, I'll tell you right now it doesn't specifically cover drive-ins and gay Disney characters, but it is implied. You know, in the back somewhere.

Jesus, of course, never mentioned anything
about gay people. Lucky for us then that
Carol Laney came along to fill in the blanks.

Laney, in a phone interview with the New York Times, had this to say:

"I have family members that are homosexuals. I have a relationship with them. I love them. It does not mean I'm a bigot. I'm not judging them when I tell you that God's word says this, that's not me. That's God's word."

-Carol Laney, owner of the
Henagar Drive-In, and God's
chosen representative on Earth.

Look, I don't want to pick on Alabama (Russia on the other hand...), but I wonder if people like Carol Laney get how she sounds to the rest of us. Like, just so we're clear, announcing that her drive-in won't run this movie because there's a gay character actually does make her a bigot. Like, textbook, right? And then hiding behind religion? Pretty lame. I know she runs a drive-in, but she knows it's not actually the 1950's anymore, right?

Because if there's one thing drive-in movie
 theaters should be right now, it's picky.

Professor X-it!

Settle down, I'm actually not being nice
to you. No, stop smiling! It's unnerving...

So years from now (or months, fingers crossed), when Donald Trump is out of office and we're busy toppling his statues and chiseling his name off monuments like some disgraced pharaoh, let us not forget that if nothing else he brought people together. In common disgust of him and a system that would let an inarticulate goon ride a wave of Russian meddling and white nationalism into power but still, together. It is with rising bile then that I must say th...th. Thanks-thanks Donald.

Thanks because Sir Patrick Stewart is applying for U.S. citizenship for the sole purpose of opposing Trump's administration. That's how much he can't stand Trump, he's willing to become one of us just so he can not vote for him in 2020.

His biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own.

Yes, if all my friends drove off a cliff, I'd do
 it to. Clearly there's something awesome
down there and I don't want to miss out.
.

A long time advocate for important causes like speaking out against domestic violence, and ridiculous causes like robots who collect whale snot (no, really), he made his announcement on The View yesterday, saying:

"...I want to be an American too because all of my friends in Washington said 'There's one thing you can do, fight, fight, oppose, oppose! But I can't do it because I'm not a citizen." 

-Sir Patrick Stewart,

bowing to peer pressure

First we dumped your tea in Boston
Harbor, now this. Your move Britain.

I'm not clear if this means that he's looking into dual citizenship or if he's going full bloody yank here. If the latter, I think that means Stewart, a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company, would have to give up his knighthood. Yeah, they knight people for artistic accomplishments instead of, you know, killing infidels. Stewart might rank high in the nerd pantheon for playing Captain Picard and Professor X, but he's also been Prospero, MacBeth and most recently Poop.

So I hope you'll join me in welcoming Sir Patrick to America as he embarks on the path to citizenship which, since he's famous and white, should be a snap. Welcome to the fight!

"Enjoy America Patrick. Of course, it's not all cowboy hats and tacos with
shells made out of fried chicken. Remember that just under half of them voted
for Donald Trump in the first place. Think about it. Half of them."

-Queen Elizabeth II, menacingly

Behold: The Power of Lowered Expectations!

Move over Cicero...

So I didn't watch the speech. Yeah, the speech. I couldn't. I simply didn't think my stomach lining could take any more rage-acid. I was instead, no lie, in a yoga class. I have however been following the reaction. Apparently it was a triumph of the human spirit in which Donald 'grab'em by the pussy' Trump was transformed from the misogynistic, xenophobic real-estate sleeze and darling of white supremacists into a towering statesman in just one evening.

Above: The bar in question.

Which I take to mean he managed to go an hour and a half without Tweeting a grammatically suspect and paranoid theory about Obama secretly orchestrating Sunday's Oscars screw up. Is that how low the bar is now? The President didn''t start rabidly foaming at the mouth during a speech, so now the last five weeks of Benny Hill with access to missile codes are suddenly forgotten?

Pictured:the ruins of a typical
American city. Thanks Obama...

Anyway, like I said, I couldn't bring myself to watch it, but I have been reading the transcript and it's unsurprisingly a list of meaningless warm fuzzies about how awesome America is and bluster-brags about how the coming of Trump has heralded a new beginning for our nation with our industries pouring billions into our economy as try to rebuild from the wreckage of the last 8 years of peace and prosperity. Here's a snippet:

For those keeping score, quiet voices 
became a chorus that became an earthquake.

"But then the quiet voices became a loud chorus, as thousands of citizens now spoke out together from cities small and large all across our country. Finally the chorus became an earthquake, and the people turned out, by the tens of millions, and they were all united by one simple but crucial demand: that America must put its own citizens first."

-Trump, strangely not mentioning the 

3 million more who voted for Clinton

I'm sure there's a new agency to help 
  victims of white collar crime too, right?
Because that's an actual thing that exists.

Yeah, ok. Most interesting however was the mention of a new agency going by the tortured acronym, VOICE, which stands for Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement which kind of sounds like Crime Engagement is a thing...but whatever, it's referring to crime committed by immigrants against white peo-oh, sorry, I mean citizens. He probably means citizens. Anyway, I thought I read somewhere that immigrants, on average commit way less crime than other groups, but that's probably just lies spread by Obama.

But it's not all doom and gloom. Oprah Winfrey told David Rubinstein that she wouldn't completely not say that she would never run against Trump. Holy shit, you know, the possibility of watching Oprah Winfrey kick Donald Trump's ass in an election might not only be proof that we've slipped into some impossible alternate universe, but also be the only thing that's going to get me through the next four years.

I think we all feel the way Oprah does.