And yet there's still no Willow 2...

Wait, what? Did you know that there's a Kindergarten Cop 2? No, of course you didn't, me neither. Somehow news of this instant classic slipped right past us.

Finally, the story of what happened after Kindergarten Cop 1, can be told.

Pictured: Hijinks. 

The original Kindergarten Cop, as I'm sure you remember-oh, wait, maybe you don't, I mean, why would you? It was a relatively obscure Ivan Reitman comedy starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to prevent a drug dealer from kidnapping his estranged son and- did I mention this is a comedy? The humor comes from the fact that the new kindergarten teacher is a man. A male teacher? Whaaaaat? Hilarity ensues!

Kindergarten Cop was one of Schwarzenegger's attempts to broaden his appeal by doing comedy and family films like Twins, Junior and Jingle All the Way, although this one does-spoiler alert-end with a shoot out in the school's locker-room and the drug dealer slumped in the corner in a pool of his own blood. Also, I think the school's ferret eats part of his face. And no, I'm not making that last part up. 

I didn't see it, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Jingle All The Way ends
with him garroting a mall santa while saying something like "Lights out Kringle..." 

I got it! A pregnant Jean Claude van Damme
starring in Junior 2. Holy shit, movies are easy!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: Kindergarten Cop 2: The Legend Continues. According to the trailer, this sequel, starring Dolph Lundgren, takes the original's premise-that of an undercover cop pretending to be a school teacher and cleverly turns it on its head by casting a slightly different 1980's action-movie northern European man-slab in the role. Other than that, it's kind of the same movie. Oh, but this time Dolph-wait, did I already mention Dolph Lundgren? 

Oh, I did? Well, then I guess it's exactly the same movie, but like I said, with Dolph Ludgren. Because the craft of acting is alive and well in American cinema.   

"I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder
off Orion. I've watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
All these moments will be lost in time, like tears...in...rain. Time to die."

-Kindergarden Cop 3, starring Rutger Hauer

I didn't mean it literally...

I'm sorry to see that Antonin Scalia died, I really am. And I mean that in an 'expressing condolences' way, not in an 'I had something to do with it' sort of way. Sure, I thought he was kind of a jerk, but I didn't wish him dead. I did once suggest that we feed him to bears, but I meant that figuratively. Sort of.

What? There are less adorable ways to go.

Great for straight white homophobic
evangelicals...didn't I say that part?

Anyway, he's dead now and it came at a really inconvenient time for Republicans so they're requesting that the President not fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. Did I say request? I meant demand. They're demanding he defer the nomination until next year. How come? You see that way the next President, which they hope will be a Republican, can pick the next Justice who can then maybe reverse Roe V. Wade, dismantle Obamacare and un-marry gay people and make America great again.

Yup, after having spent the last eight years threatening shutdowns, sending racist email about him to each other and then fighting him on pretty much everything. It's been a lot of fun for everyone involved. Couple this with the fact that their candidates for President are, I think it's fair to say, ridiculous, and you can see how this is a pretty big ask.

I wouldn't trust these guys to predict
 spring, and we let groundhogs do that.

Pffttt...the President, who does he
think he is? Wielding constitutional
authority like that...

Just to be on the safe side though, Mitch McConnell has announced that his party will block anyone the President nominates:

"The American people should have a voice in the selection of the next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President."

-Mitch McConnell, apparently 

unclear on a few points

Hey, funny story, we actually do have a voice in the selection since we elected the President, like twice, so a lot of people are a bit fuzzy on what McConnell's beef is.

"Hey, remember how we've behaved like a bunch of obstructionist assholes the 

entire time you've been in office? Well now we need you to do a favor for us."

-The GOP

Thanks Canada, thanks for nothing.

That's just unreasonable cold and if you ever needed proof that God hates Valentine's Day as much as single people, you need look no further.

"I just think it's gotten too commercial, you know?"

"On behalf of all Canada, I'd like to say
I'm really so sore-y aboot the weather."

-Canadian PM Justin Trudeau

On the east coast it's supposed to get down into the single digits this weekend thanks to super-cold air blowing south from Canada which I think we need to ask them to apologize for. I mean, they'll do it. There's a reason the tired stereotype exists.* Anyway, ice and snow will no doubt murder people both with unsafe road conditions and by freezing them in their homes and the wind chill is expected to make it feel like it's forty below in some places. What role how cold it feels plays in a world that has mercury thermometers is beyond me, but whatever, the point is it's going to be goddamn cold.

Not here mind you, I fled the inhospitable east years ago for the sunny and earthquake prone west coast. Sure, we may all end up buried under the rubble of our many indoor rock climbing facilities and pot dispensaries, but at least we don't need to bring a jacket.

It's all the physical exertion of rock climbing
without the fresh air or sense of accomplishment!

Sure it's on fire, but the view!

That's not to say California isn't without potential threats from a planet that hates us. People here do like to build homes on hillsides of loosely packed soil surrounded by dry wood and brush, and L.A.'s had a massive natural gas leak going since October that stopped today. Today! So I guess my question is why do we even put up with this? Nature, I mean. Unless science fiction has somehow incorrectly predicted the future, shouldn't we all live in domes or something?

We are seriously behind on this. Nature isn't something to co-exist with, it's something to be escaped. We're not going to win. Let's face it, the Earth doesn't feel pity, or remorse and it absolutely will not stop until we are dead. Of course I might be thinking of Terminator, but I think the sentiment applies.

The city of Boston has already drawn up plans to flee the Earth and its many perils.

(source: late 70's album covers)

*It's ok, I'm allowed to say it. They're my people.

A Barrel Full of Dark Portents

Hey everybody, according to the Chinese lunar calendar we are not only living in the year of the monkey, but the fire monkey, which, sure, why not? Look, I'm not judging (ok, judging a little) and I totally love saying Year of the Fire Monkey, but a calendar that uses a repeating cycle of animals-and for some reason a dragon-has some explaining to do.

How is this easier than say, numbers?

Goddamnit monkeys...

According to people who are into this sort of thing, that is to say, claptrap, predictions about the coming year can be made based on the animal and element and this year we're in for some crazy because monkeys are mischievous and will fuck our shit right up with disasters, tragedies and political turmoil. Previous years of the monkey saw global pandemics, assassinations and the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. So we're in for a treat.

Pictured: the weak-willed, goat-like
one twelfth of the planet's population.

On the other hand, it's also supposed to be a great time to have kids because they, like monkeys, will turn out smart, ambitious and adventurous. Not like those timid losers born under the sign of the goat like me. Yup, people born under a particular sign also share traits in common with the animal and I, as a goat, am timid and resistant to change. So like, thanks Chinese zodiac, thanks for writing off entire generations of people born under lame-ass signs and then giving other people totally awesome signs like Dragon and Fire Monkey.

What? It's just as valid a predictor of
future events. I mean, cows do say moo.

Luckily for me and the other goat-babies, astrology, be it Chinese or western, is probably bullshit. I say probably because traits described by these totally bunk pseudo-sciences have a tendency to be kind of accurate. You know, except when they're not. I don't know, maybe it's the dejected goat-man in me, but I have a real hard time buying that you can just lump people born under a particular sign together and make predictions about their personalities and futures based on astral bodies or whatever crazy animal wheel ancient Chinese philosophers used to tell time.

Circuit Jerks

No, really, are they kidding? About the assault rifle thing? Huh? Oh, this assault rifle thing. Back in 2013, Maryland passed the Firearms Safety Act which banned semi-automatic assault rifles because, seriously, when James Madison wrote the Second Amendment back in 1789, he was talking about goddamn blunderbusses and muskets and anyone who says otherwise just really likes guns.

You might as well argue that he was talking about phasers. 

Of course, King George III is just
waiting for us to let our guard down.

Ok, so an assault rifle ban, cool right? I mean this is the twenty-first century and since zombie outbreaks are not terribly high on the plausible scenario list, there's really no reason for anyone in Maryland to have a military-grade arsenal in their house, right? Not so! Said two of the three Judges on the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals. About the arsenal, not the zombie thing. We all agree that zombies are preposterous. The judges found that the FSA violates the Second Amendment's right of "law-abiding, responsible citizens to use arms in defense of hearth and home..." Shit. Seriously?

"Oh...sorry 'bout that Steve, just
defending the ol'hearth...uh...Steve?"

So while I'm sure hearth defense is like super-important, and leaving aside the fact that the Second Amendment actually says something about a well-regulated militia and not some lunatic prepper with a rec room full of claymores and machine guns, how responsible can someone possibly be when they own an assault rifle? Don't these things just sort of spray bullets? If you live in an even lightly populated area and open fire-even with the intent of defending your fireplace or whatever, there's a decent chance that a stray shot could kill a neighbor or a passer-by.

Look, I get that the Second Amendment right to hoard weapons of all descriptions in preparation for the coming Water Wars or The Rapture or whatever is important for some people and that they interpret this right to mean they can have any kind of weapon they want in any quantity, but holy shit, I think we're allowed to draw a line.

"What? I'm a responsible ICBM owner and the Constitution
doesn't say I can't have a missile complex in my backyard..."

-Some Idiot

Let's hear it for divisive vitriol!

No it doesn't work. You think
it does, but you are wrong.

Did you know that there's a fifty percent chance that we hate each other? Statistically, I mean. I'm not saying I have anything against you personally, I'm just saying that we, as in Americans, are hopelessly and irretrievably polarized along philosophical grounds with half of us being a gigantic drum circle full of socialist vegan hippies with far too much faith in the odor-fighting power of Tom's of Maine, and the other half a gigantic NRA meeting full of Confederate flag-waving, homophobic white supremacists.

"Boooo diversity! Boooo!"

-Racists

Apparently our divisive political atmosphere is one of the reasons we're all so angry, at least according to this article from BBC News entitled "Why are Americans so angry?" In it the author, Vanessa Barford, cites a series of polls that suggest that along with out political disunity, the economy, our place on the world stage and straight-up racism are all reasons we've become an embittered rage-fest of a nation more interested in picking sides and rabidly defending our worldviews than just getting along and being decent to one another.

J.J. Abrams on the set of Star Wars
Episode VII at Pinewood Studios
near London, Engla-god damnit...

I'm not saying there aren't plenty of things to be angry about. Violence, income inequality and did you hear that someone is remaking Rocky Horror Picture Show? Holy shit, right? But there are good things about America too. Things we can all get behind, like the internet. We invented that. And uh...Star Wars? That was pretty good, right? And hey, we landed on the moon, remember? Yeah, ok, it was almost fifty years ago and we're still living off the accomplishment like some ex-high school quarterback who scored that game-winning touchdown, but still, the moon...

Jazz and hate-filled vitriol:
America's only original art forms.

Look, there's some pretty heinous and politically-motivated crazy being hurled around right now, and it's only going to get worse as the election cycle wears on. But every time some misogynistic, racist, anti-gay, anti-Muslim comment that flies out of someones mouth-ok, usually out of a Republican's mouth-there's someone else with an opposing view there to argue with them. We didn't all just nod and agree with Donald Trump said he was Batman or when that asshole in Missouri compared gay marriage to 9/11, we called them out.

Disagreement isn't necessarily a bad thing. We don't let bullshit go unchallenged and that's part of what makes us awesome. Of course said bullshit is coming from our fellow Americans, and while we don't all have to agree all the time we do have to live together, so maybe we could all stand to tone it down a bit? I mean, a lot of us are armed...

Incidentally, could everybody maybe stop walking around
with so many guns all the time? Like, it really freaks people out.

Today in also-rans...

Pictured: Martin O'Malley at the second
Dem-wait, I swear he was right there... 

Sorry everybody, the dream is dead. Yup Martin O'Malley has dropped out of the race after only winning just one percent of the Iowa Caucus-huh? Wait, which isn't ringing a bell, O'Malley or the Iowa Caucus? Both? Ok, um, Martin O'Malley was the guy at the Democratic debates who wasn't Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders and kept talking about how awesome Maryland is. Also he looks like every fictional President in a movie that's not set in the future. He was sort of...generic...

Ok, fine, they may have had a point...

The Iowa Caucuses are sort of like primary elections except needlessly more complicated. It's part of that ridiculous electoral college bullshit in which we just choose the electors who may, or may not, elect the President for us in November all because the founding fathers didn't think we could be trusted to make a reasoned, informed decision. Anyway, Iowa's caucus is the first every election cycle and because of this, it tends to carry extra weight. Huh? Political weight not actual-I'm not calling all Iowa fat, give me a little credit.

Apart from the weird notion that being in the rough geographical center of the county in some way gives Iowans a claim to being more typically American than the rest of us, it sort of makes sense that today's caucuses have a greater impact that other state primaries. Since they're early, a poor showing today can let a campaign know whether or not it's worth it to keep going which, as Martin O'Malley discovered, it's not.

They're giving 101%! Wait a minute...

2%? Looks like you
just got Huckapunched. 

Speaking of people we totally forgot were even running and have now dropped out, did you know that noted gaycist and Chic-fil-A spokesdick Mike Huckabee was running for the GOP nomination again? He and like thirty or forty other nominees were beat out by Ted Cruz today with Huckabee only taking 2% of the vote. Yeah, two percent. The only one to do worse was Rick Santorum and he once compared Obamacare to apartheid.

"FML, this blows! #ImWithBurR"

Huckabee's announcement came in the form of a Tweet:

"I am officially suspending my campaign. Thank you all for your loyal support. #ImWithHucK"

-The 22 year-old intern Huckabee's 

Campaign uses to run the tweeterbooks 

Twitter of course, being the traditional forum for failed Presidential campaigns since Aaron Burr's loss to Thomas Jefferson in 1800. 

So like, so long Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee. One we hardly knew, and the other we wish we'd never heard of. Hey, is anyone else kind of bummed out by by the fact that we're looking at another like ten months of this? 

Holy shit, let's just choose a king...