They're about solutions...chemical ones.

Well I don't know about you, but I'm sick of the relentless horror show that is 2025. Wanna talk about something else? You do? Great. So, what are you having done with your corpse when climate change, or the next pandemic (March?) finally gets you?

No matter how bad things get, just remember:
some day it will end in death and then silence.

Depressing and bo-ring. Amiright?

For time immemorial people have had options when it comes to disposing for the rotting remains of a loved one. We can bury them underground so no one has to, you know, look at them and be reminded of the ephemerality of life and the inevitable of death and decay. But I mean, that takes up valuable retail space and let's face it, cemeteries are bummers. And what happens if a passing meteorite or weird lab-grown virus reanimates the bodies? You've got a living dead situation on your hands, that's what.

Every corpse we don't burn is
another ride on Taylor Swift's jet.

Ok, so burn them. Great, I guess you don't care about the environment. Sure, we all drive individual cars, and billionaires fly around in private jets because they can't be bothered to fly commercial. And of course container ships are, as we speak, dieseling their way across the Pacific full of plastic nonsense which, after failing to fulfill whatever void exists in our lives, is destined to end up in a landfill, but the real existential threat to human civilization is you cremating grandma. So in many ways, she is to blame. Thanks a lot, grandma.

Wow! Is there anything
capitalism can't do? Or won't? 

But only if there were some other way. If only some biotech company could come up with a proprietary solution that's superior in every way as long as you don't think about it too hard. Well, good news, because Bio Response Solutions has the solution. Specifically a solution of water and alkali heated to two to three hundred degrees that then breaks down the earthly remains of your loved one--or enemy, I mean, they don't judge--leaving behind a pile of...I don't know exactly. Bone dust? Some weird white powder or something.

"Why wait?"

-some skeleton

It may sound like I'm making fun of them, and I am, but I actually don't really care what Bio Response Solutions or whoever else comes up with to deal with the Earth's increasing three hundred billion body problem. I do, however, take no small amount of joy in the company's hilarious attempt to treat what they do with human remains with dignity and solemnity while simultaneously trying to sell you on dissolving your loved ones in acid. Or, a base, I guess. Alkali is a base? Doesn't matter, the point is there's never a graceful way to sell corpse melting.

Cremation: they're fine...if you
didn't really love the deceased.

The process, which they call Aquamation, breaks down a human body and leaves "ashes" so it's up to the FAQ on the company's website to explain why this is better than cremation. To that end, the company describes the differences between cremains--an absurd portmanteau of the words cremation and remains used by the funeral industry, and the...Aquamains? I guess? First and foremost, the aquamains are a uniform powder-like substance as opposed to the bone-chips and dust from burning. Which...super.

Above: some guy from the
recycling plant.

They also explain that pace-makers don't need to be removed from the corpse ahead of time, and that metallic implants come out clean. So clean in fact, that metal recycling facilities are amazed. Like, actually amazed. You know, in case you, in a state of bereavement, were concerned that the technicians at the local recycling plant were going to be judging the conditions of grandma's (sorry, I keep killing your hypothetical grandma) hip replacement. So that's good to know, right?

But perhaps the most ludicrous selling point has to be volume. The site seems to be touting the fact that with their process, you get more ashes. Twenty to thirty percent more than the leading corpse disposal method.

Wow, I can't afford not to dissolve grandma (again, sorry) in a chemical bath.

"Wow, so mush ashes, what a value!
Thanks Bio-Response Solutions!"

-the bereaved

And I mean, how American is that particular appeal? Volume, right? Order a meal at any one of our nation's fine chain restaurants and you'll find that quantity rather than quality is paramount. So why, the good people at Bio-Response Solutions must reason, should their customers settle for anything less than maximum aquamains when it comes to reducing their dearly departed to the constituent minerals from their bones? Look, I get that everything's a business now, but can something...anything be free of advertising? Huh? No? Ok, well, I just thought I'd ask...