Wait, we're buying Shang Tsung now?

"Don't take my word for it, read the four page
summary written by some guy I appointed
based on his contempt for the investigation."

Can we just talk about video games for a moment? I ask because the obvious thing to talk about now would be politics, like how the President is taking a victory lap to celebrate how exonerated he was by the Attorney General's summary of the Mueller report which explicitly does not exonerate anyone. Like, it even says in those exact words that it doesn't exonerate the President, but here we are. Oh, and by victory lap, I mean building his racist wall, lying to idiots at campaign rallies and bragging about how he didn't participate in the Russian interference that got him elected.

And holy shit, Betsy DeVos de-funding the Special Olympics because the GOP is openly monsters now? I just...just...so let's talk about video games, which I'm also upset about, but in a cranky 'why in my day' way and not in a 'we're spiraling into fascism and there's nothing we can do about it' way.

"I mean, what have disabled children ever done for us? Amiright?"

-Betsy DeVos, Secretary of-huh? No, she didn't 

actually say that, but that's 100% the sentiment

And we all opened our copies like
a bunch of short sighted schmucks.

So like I was saying, back to comforting, apolitical video gaming. Back in my day (here we go) video games were a one-time purchase. You just bought a game, took it home, foolishly discarded the packaging and manual because ebay wasn't a thing yet, and played the game. But now it's more of a games as service model. What that means is that larger publishers are interested in making games that they add paid content to over months and even years so like some kind of addict you keep coming back for more.

"Just fucking buy the Assassin's Creed season
pass and we can all get out of this alive!"

-Ubisoft

Which sucks. Sucks how? Well, I mean, sure it's not de-funding the Special Olympics bad. I do have some perspective, and it's not like game publishers are holding a gun to all our heads, demanding that we buy downloadable content. Well, not usually. But as far as the hobby of video gaming goes, I think paid DLC sucks. Take for example Mortal Kombat 11. Yes, eleven. Can you believe they made eleven of these? It would have absolutely blown ten-year old me's mind to think there might someday be a Mortal Kombat 11. Anyway, it comes out late next month, but this last week the publisher, Warner Bros. announced that Shang Tsung would be the first DLC.

Shang Tsung, if you're unfamiliar and I sincerely hope you are, is a long-running character in the Mortal Kombat games. He's a sort of magic shape-shifting sorcerer/martial arts master who wants to conquer the Earthrealm by winning the Mortal Kombat tournament which whatever. Doesn't matter. Just know that for a game about palate swap ninjas ripping out spines, it's has some pretty deep lore. There're movies, cartoons, even novels. It's a thing.

"Finish him!" Shouted a disembodied voice.

Sub-Zero leapt into the air and then landed at precise foot-sweep distance from his defeated, yet somehow still standing opponent, Johnny Cage. The ninja began to jerk spastically, but to no avail. Cage collapsed before him. The fight was over. Sub Zero had one, but without pulling off a fatality.

"Goddamnit!" He roared "Forward forward down, high kick! They never give you enough time..."

-an excerpt from Jeff Rovin's classic novel, Motal Kombat

"Yeah, I got Shang Tsung, you a cop?
You've got to tell me, it's the law."

It's also important to know that Shang Tsung is a character that's usually just included in the games' roster but this time you've got to buy him separately. Ok, big deal, I mean, it's just a game. But, again, we could be talking about politics, so hear me out. It would be one thing if, after six months, the publisher came out with DLC that added Shang Tsung, but this game isn't out yet which means they've deliberately held back game content in order to wring it out of completionists. Is it me, or is this the games industry adopting the business model of smack dealers?

Above: Shang Tsung whose paid DLC
is now history's greatest injustice.

(source: a lack of perspective)

And look, Mortal Kombat 11 is by far neither the first nor the worst example of this, and I honestly will probably never play it anyway, but for whatever reason-probably the curmudgeonliness that comes with getting older-I find myself longing for the sepia-toned past when games were sold as complete experiences and not gateway drugs. But again, perspective. These are video games and none of this shit really matters, it's just sometimes easier to complain about nonsense than it is to dwell on garbage people doing garbage things. I mean de-funding the Special Olympics? What the actual, factual fuck is that about?

Huh, oh, yes, I did see that the Trump administration is now saying that they won't be defunding the Special Olympics, and I think that's super. But seriously what do they want, a cookie? For not taking the Special Olympics away?

Because people who threaten children don't get cookies
for reluctantly backing down from threatening children.