Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A rich tapestry of nerd angst

It's not just me, right?
I mean, this can't be normal.
Today I'm going to give you a little insight into the resentment and sense of inferiority that lurks in the heart of many sci-fi/fantasy fans when it comes to sports. Not all nerds mind you, some of us are totally into both and it's nothing against physical activity, it's just that when you're not a sports person and everyone around you is, it's a little like being from some other planet or a parallel universe. Wearing a jersey with some guy's name on the back and watching other people play a game for hours? For non-sports fans this shit is weird.

It's a whole other world that, to the uninitiated, seems strange and unfamiliar. Which brings us to Star Trek. Bet you didn't see that coming. Or maybe you did. I am fairly predictable.
Incidentally, I'd like to take this opportunity to downplay
my previous assertion that sports fans are weirdos.
"CBS All Access: resistance is futile!"
-CBS's ill-advised new slogan
Anyway, CBS has announced the premier date for the new series, Discovery, and I think it's further evidence that they either don't know what they're doing or just straight up hate their fans. Or maybe both. We'll get to that. The way the series is going to be made available in the U.S. is lame. To watch, you'll have to sign up for CBS All Access, which is their streaming service. It's ten bucks a month, but you still have to sit through commercials because I guess CBS is unclear about why nobody watches broadcast television anymore.

Why pay them when we know they're jerks?
Again, fans. Short for fanatic doncha know.
But that's just the U.S, the rest of the world can see it on Netflix with no commercials. Because it's 2017. But whatever, CBS apparently knows that since it's the only place to get new Star Trek, fans like me will reliably, if grudgingly, pony up for their stupid service. What's straight up offensive to nerds like me is how their handling the premier. In addition to streaming, the first episode will air on CBS on September 24th at 8:30-ish. Yeah, ish. It's following Sunday night football, so it'll air whenever that's done.

"Wah...why is Picard dressed like...and is
Worf wearing tights? What's happening?"

-Me, age 10
And that brings us back to sports and the source of my aversion to all things athletic. When I was a kid, Star Trek would run in syndication on weekends after football. And when I say after football, I mean after an 11 minute game is stretched into three and a half hours. No really, I looked it up. Eleven minutes of actual footballing. Add to that another half hour of former players crammed into ill-fitting suits discussing the game that just happened, and then the network would join their regularly scheduled programming already in progress. Yes, like half way over. Because sports.

There was a decent chunck of TNG episodes' original run that I only saw the last twenty minutes of. It was infuriating to a ten-year old who didn't care about or understand sports that a bunch of old guys talking about a game everyone just watched took precedence over me getting my nerd fix for the week. So thanks CBS, thanks for bringing it all back...
"Blah blah, end zone blah blah third down, blah
yard line, blah. Blaaaah. Now over to you Terry."

-What this all sounds
 like to non-sports fans

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