5 blades of paranoid comfort!

The inside of his head? I don't know,
something like this I suppose. 

What must it like to be inside his head? Whose? Yeah, sorry, we're talking about the President again. I swear, eventually we'll get back to nerd stuff. Eventually. Anyway, this thing, this CNN thing, you saw this right? CNN published a story on its website linking Anthony Scaramucci, a member of Trump's transition team to the whole Russian thing? So, Scaramucci called them up, threatened to sue and they retracted it. Then they fired the reporters responsible for it and released a statement saying that it wasn't up to journalistic standards and you know, sorry.

Above: Scaramucci making millions
by taking other rich people's money
and making them even richer.

For his part, Scaramucci even tweeted a kind of classy response saying: "@CNN did the right thing. Classy move. Apology accepted. Everyone makes mistakes. Moving on." Huh, ok. Now, just to be clear, this guy's a hedge-fund manager who, as of earlier this month, works for the Trump administration. And taking the job necessitated selling of his interest is some kind hedge-fund of hedge fund business called SkyBridge meaning that he just made $100 million dollars. Again, I'm not a business person, but I'm pretty sure people like him are why the world is fucked.

But credit where credit is due, right? So if that shockingly even-tempered tweet is as unnerving to you as it is to me, don't worry, the President was quick to pounce:

Well, I'm sure the vast media conspiracy that's been so unfairly pursuing
Donald Trump for absolutely no reason whatsoever is soon to come crashing down.

Should the King of the Birthers really
be taking the moral high ground when
it comes to spreading false information?

Ok, so I'm not sure how a story that was up for a day and was about someone we've never heard possibly being connected to the slow-moving clusterfuck of a scandal the Administration's been embroiled in for months constitutes a big story but whatever. What really makes my ears bleed is that in a subsequent tweet he added NBC, CBS, ABC, the New York Times and The Washington Post to his list of national news media outlets he baseless accuses of lying about him. To be clear, Trump is accusing all the news that isn't formerly owned by Steve Bannon, of spreading falsehoods about him.

"For the last time, there are five lights.
Not four. Five. Next questions."

Which...I mean, every interaction the administration has had-you know, when they grudgingly agree to answer to the American people at all, had been hostile and fallen somewhere on the spectrum between insulting, like that time they told us Cofeve was a secret message or something, to the demonstrably false, like the horseshit about the inauguration attendance. I'm not saying there isn't genuine bad reporting out there, but holy shit, does he really think there's like a massive media conspiracy against him? 

Crazy is it? Now who's being naive?

-Kennedy 9/Moon Hoffa truthers

I'll admit I'm not a conspiracy fan and maybe that makes me naive. But the kind of widespread, coordinated cooperation between news outlets who are all in direct competition with each other and every American intelligence agency, that would be needed to make up and then perpetuate an elaborate conspiracy against the former host of The Apprentice for no reason other than they hate him beggars all reason. It would be like Jimmy Hoffa teaming up with Bigfoot and The Grays to assassinate Kennedy by crashing a commercial airliner into him on the moon. 

I'm not suggesting that the President lives in a terrifying, paranoid world where everyone's against him but by comparison, Russian intelligence operatives employing hackers to screw with the elections with, or without Republican collusion is the Gillete Proslide Fusion 5 of Occam's Razors.

It's like this except with reason instead of five blades
for the closest, most comfortable shave a man can get.*

*I just grabbed that out of the air, I certainly don't mean to advertise for a particular brand of razor. In fact, those 5-bladed things are a one-way ticket to ingrown hairs. Avoid at all costs.