Thursday, August 27, 2015

Let's welcome our Robot Overlords!

My question is this: should our global economy really be subject to the mood of a bunch of dipshits on a crowded trading floor shouting at each other over the din of naked commerce while swapping theoretical shares of companies? I'm just asking.
Wai-what's that face? Is it time to start lining up for bread?
"I don't know...that's a lot of fire. I think I'm
going to wait and see how this one plays out."
I don't understand how any of it works, let me be upfront about that. All I understand is that every once in a while the Dow Jones industrial average takes some cataclysmic dive because investors got nervous about a possible Greek exit from the EU or the Chinese economy slowing down. One freakout and we're all looking at another Black Tuesday so what I want to know why do we let just anyone play the stock market? I mean, if you're an investor and you're prone to panicking about investments maybe you should look into another line of work?

The world's economy is like a massive interconnected web and what happens in one market can have consequences throughout, so why do we treat it like a game? Like, we even call it playing the market. Holy shit, this is the kind of thing the apes are going to laugh at us for when they finally evolve and take over.
"Their limited cranial capacity led homo sapiens, as a species, to some questionable decision making.
Decisions which ultimately doomed them.
 The stock market, of course, but also fossil fuels, selfies,
President Trump; indeed there were many factors which played a role in the collapse of human civilization."

-Doctor Zira
What? Would you rather deal
with the super-intelligent apes?
I get that this week's market crazy is apparently over, and that's super, but what about next time? There has got to be a better way to run this, possibly involving robots. Computers already handle much of the actual trading and in some cases actually make buying and selling decisions, so why not turn everything over to them? What could possibly go wrong? Other than terminators. Look, software doesn't feel squishy human emotions so it won't get freaked out about consumer confidence reports and it won't panic if a country devalues its currency or something.

Crushing poverty is somewhat less
 adorable in real life.
Again, I don't know anything about economics, but it just seems like letting our cold-hearted robot masters handle all the buying and selling would take some of the uncertainty and gambling out of the whole thing. No highs, no lows, just sensible economic stability. Now, I know what you're thinking: if the computers are trading all the stocks for us and are just making reasoned, rational decisions based on a dispassionate analysis of the data, how is anyone supposed to get rich? Well, they're not. That's the best part. Instead of treating the world economy like a giant craps table, Robo-Trader® (yes, that's what I'm calling it) will just be there to make sure stocks get traded and that the economy chugs along smoothy without anyone having to make hobo packs and ride the rails. Less exciting? Sure. But less exciting for whom?

I guess the point is that most of the people who lost their jobs and houses last time the economy fell apart weren't the ones playing the stock market. The whole thing was the fault of stock brokers and bankers, most of whom came out just fine. All I'm suggesting is that there is no one more deserving of being replaced by machines.
Seriously? Fuck these guys.

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