Saturday, August 15, 2015

Hey, don't sweat it! Like ever again...

"Yeah, it's a pretty sweet deal. We get to sweat,
have body hair and basically rule the planet."

Hey ladies, are you tired of sweating like some filthy, biological organism? And what about that odor that sometimes accompanies physical activities like exercise or being alive? And don't get me started on body hair. In case you didn't know, being a human female with hair anywhere other than on your head makes you a genetic abnormality. You can try to shave your shame away, but it's going to grow back and everyone will know. Everyone. But there may be hope for the poor, unfortunate sweat-prone yetis among us and it involves goddamn microwaves.

A spa in Orange County, because of course it's in Orange County, will be among the first to offer a new microwave treatment for underarm hair. Yes, treatment because having hair under your arms is a disease that must be cured. You know, like leprosy.
"Whoa, back up there Spotty, first I'll need to 
know who your health insurance company is."
Hurray, a cure for sweating. Hey, do you
think maybe we could work on cancer next?
It's called miraSmooth® (which I think is Spanish for "hey look, smooth!") and it uses microwaves to remove hair by destroying the follicle. It's a new application for an existing technology called miraDry® ("hey look, dry!") which destroys your sweat glands to eliminate wetness and odor. Yeah, you heard me, people in Orange County are irradiating their armpits so that they become permanently unable to sweat. Well, from their armpits anyway, I suppose sweating in other places is somehow less shameful.

Dr. Horowitz™ is a registered trademark
of miraSmooth©.  All rights reserved.
But surely there's a medical justification for this technology, right? Like people are sweating themselves to death in Orange County or something? No? Oh. Well, I'll let a doctor explain in an excerpt from this interview/shameless plug:

"We are very excited about the recent FDA approval of the miraDry® system for hair removal. Our practice already uses the miraDry® system to treat patients for elimination of underarm sweat, but now we can use this same system for hair removal as well."
-Doctor® Jed Horowitz, 
human commercial

First of all do you suppose this guy actually says the '®' every time he invokes the name of miraDry? Secondly, if he's a doctor, should he really be shilling for a treatment that uses microwaves to cook your sweat glands to death? Do you mean to tell me there isn't some other less invasive alternative?
Like maybe goddamn deodorant? 

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